A Hidden Jewel

A few days ago my sweet little girl got into the car with a huge grin on her face. She had a surprise for me hiding in her pocket. Since we were in the car pool line, I told her that I would love to see it as soon as we got home.

So, we walk through the door, and with a big smile she produces my prize.

The picture isn't the best, but it's a little heart shaped candy. She found it on the playground during recess. It was full of dirt, so she cleaned it with her spit. Now it's shiny and good as new! And it made her think of me. She kept it in her pocket all day, keeping it safe for me.

Who said motherhood is not a paid job? Because, my friends, little gifts and tokens like these are priceless, irreplacable jewels! This little beauty has a place of honor on the window sill by my kitchen window. Every day when I'm washing up some dishes I think about that little smile, or the sweet little girl who took the time to spit shine it for me!

Funny, when you think about it, we were taken from the mirey clay too. But now we have a place of honor. We all once were hidden jewels, now we can shine for all the world to see!

For Her

I lay in bed this morning thinking of a sweet little girl; who incidentally, was lying in the crook of my arm.  This sweet little girl is about to have the only world she's ever known rocked to the core.  She's also about to experience the greatest joy- and something that she's asked for since she learned to speak.

I remember very clearly the times that she was barely a few feet tall- yet begging for a little sister or brother.  I remember very clearly her asking why she couldn't have one.  I remember my overwhelming feelings of inadequacy when we were struggling through those couple of years of unexplained infertility.  When pregnancy had come so easily before, yet now just couldn't happen.  And I would spend many of hours crying, pouring my heart out to the Lord, like Hannah.  Praying that He would hear my prayers and answer them.  And that little intuitive spirit, in that tiny 3 year old little body... wise beyond her years.  One day as the tears stained my cheeks she looked up from the TV, came over and wiped my eyes and said, "Mommy, I know why your heart hurts today.  Because you want a baby and you can't have one."  I was awestruck as I was very careful not to ever say anything in front of her to indicate there was a problem.  

Still, she continued to ask.  And we had to come to terms with the fact that it might just be that for some unknown reason a sibling would be the one thing on this earth that we wouldn't be able to give to her.  

I never wanted to be the mother of an only child.  I never wanted her to grow up alone.  My heart would ache.  With every milestone, every new thing she learned to do; everything that should have been celebrated, was only celebrated superficially.  Deep down inside I grieved her growing up.  The only baby that I was able to bring to this earth was growing up before our very eyes and I just couldn't stand it.

I remember the months of unsuccessful fertility treatments.  The crazy hormones.  The times that my patience was way too thin for such a sweet little girl.  With each and every unsuccessful round of treatment- hopes dashed yet again.  My heart was filled with such grief, yet so much love for the one that I had been blessed with, the one that was so sweet and perfect, the one that kept asking for a sibling to love and to play with... for her.

Then, finally!  Success!  The positive pregnancy test!  We never hesitated to tell her the news!  That finally- we were going to be able to grant her greatest wish!  The sibling that she desired for so long was finally on it's way.  It never even dawned on us to guard her little heart, even though we had already had 2 miscarriages at this point.  Certainly after 15 months of trying this one would work!  We talked about baby things, and baby names... and she was over the moon with excitement for this little sibling that she had been desiring!  She was going to be the Big Sister!  

The strong lab results, the strong heartbeat, the beautiful ultrasound image.  Followed by pain.  A life too short, taken from us again.  But this time it was different.  It didn't just hurt me, and it didn't just hurt Jason, it hurt her.  We thought that since she had just turned 3 years old that she might just forget about the baby if we stopped talking about it.  Not this girl, not the one with the memory like an elephant.  She remembered, and remembered well.  Daily she spoke of the baby with such excitement, unknowingly pouring salt into my seeping wounds.  One day out of the blue, that all too smart little mind finally caught on to what was happening.  Out of the blue she said, "Mommy, do you have a baby in your belly or what?"  I was rendered speechless yet again.  Her beautiful blue eyes piercing mine, waiting patiently for a response.  We had already decided upon adoption, so we lovingly told her what we should have shared with her a few weeks ago.  That the baby we all had wanted for so long was gone.  It was in Heaven with Jesus.  

Yes, sweetheart, I know that you wanted it here.  So did we.  My grief was so strong I could hardly comfort her.

For her.  The one who, still to this day, has a helium balloon for a day or so, then decides to let it go to fly up to heaven for Jesus and for her sibling that she wanted so badly.  

For her.  The one who quietly sat in the backseat with tears streaming down her face and chin quivering as we left the hospital when visiting her new cousin 18 months ago.  She spoke up finally, with voice trembling, and said, "But... Mommy and Daddy...I wanted us to be the ones who were so excited!  I wanted us to be the ones to have the new baby to hold!"

My resolve had worn out years ago.  I was weary from this fight known as infertility and miscarriage.  My arms were tired from holding them up during the battle.  My heart was shattered one too many times.  I had decided that I was going to just love Jesus and trust Him.  And that regardless if He ever decided to bless my womb again, or if He ever decided to grace my arms with the warmth of a newborn little life that was my own... I was going to serve Him and love Him and praise Him.  Regardless of the outcome of it all.  After all, He had already done so much.

But, for her.  I just couldn't stop myself from trying again to give her the sibling that she wanted, the child that of course we wanted too.  

The sweet tender spirit who talks to my belly, then listens in my mouth waiting to hear the baby speak.  The sweet little girl who can't keep her hands off of my growing belly.  The one who tells me how beautiful I look every day.  The one who prays for me and for this little life without any prompting.

For her... my firstborn, my love, my heart.

25 Weeks

My heart is smiling.  That is the only way to describe the joy that I am feeling right now.  This little life is moving constantly.  He or she is now kicking so strongly you can watch my belly move!  It is such an unbelievable feeling.  And as difficult as this pregnancy is for me, I am still so very blessed and honored that God has allowed me this opportunity.  And it is an opportunity that I absolutely refuse to take for granted.

Also, let me apologize for sounding so whiny last week when I bore my soul about the gestational diabetes issues.  Whenever life hands me lemons it usually takes me a week or so to figure out how to make the darn lemonade.  That just seems to be how I roll.  Things are much better now.  I had a small problem this morning where after breakfast my blood sugar was 185 instead of 120 or below- but I think I've figured out the problem and aside from that I'm doing well.  I have only had 2 times this week where my fasting blood sugar has been at the right level, so I have spoken to the nutritionist and she has me logging all of my food so they can analyze the problem to see if I need to be on medication at night.  I certainly hope that we can figure it out.  I REALLY do not want to take any more medication.  I have to tell you that after I vented last week and got all of my frustrations out, I was able to think a little more clearly and I simply made the decision to speak life to this situation.  It has made all of the difference in the world.  My attitude is better and God is able to move through it.

Last night a friend of mine blessed me with two sweet little onesies!  Since we aren't finding out what we are having I've been panicking a little bit because it is SO hard to find neutral things.  And I don't want a ton of neutral things because we have so much little girl stuff if it's a girl, and if it's a boy I want to be able to buy a bunch of sweet boy things.  But- the child will need some clothes in the hospital- clothes that are washed and ready to go!  So I was so excited to receive my first baby gift last night!  It really hit me...we are going to have a baby!  And it's going to be either a boy or a girl!  And he or she will inhabit our house and our hearts!  How blessed we are!

I know this is short and sweet, and rather boring too- but I just wanted to check in to say that I am doing so much better.  My heart is smiling, my belly is swelling and I just love every minute of it!  Y'all have a wonderful weekend!

PS- did I mention that I'm 25 weeks?!

Emotions on the loose

It's no surprise to those that have known me for a while that I am an emotional girl.  I have always been very sensitive and have always worn my heart on my sleeve (Is that the correct phrase?) 

But Lordy Mercy!  The hormones, they are ragin'!  And the tears- sheesh- they know no boundaries!!!  The bad thing is that I'm crying over nothing at all, and it's totally the 'ugly cry'.  This has been going on for the better part of a week or so.  And I'm ready to try to get a handle on it already.  Part of me thinks it has something to do with these blood sugar issues that I've been dealing with.  The other part of me thinks I'm just a freak.  Not sure which is true.

I have been having a very rough time getting the glucose junk under control.  It's a lot harder than I thought.  It's taking a lot of self control and discipline, but even more planning and preparation than I have time or energy to deal with.  I am trying so very hard, but even giving it my best efforts I'm still failing miserably.  I have been testing my blood sugar 4 times per day for the past 7 days.  Out of those 28 times, my blood sugar was high 14 times!  Everyone has told me that it takes a couple of weeks, but I am very frustrated right now.  I am only getting the desired results 50% of the time, even though I am doing things right 100% of the time!  See, in the back of my head I keep thinking that if I'm going to try this hard and work this hard and my blood sugar is still going to be high then I might as well just have fun and forget about it and just eat what I really want to eat and forget the stupid diet.  But I am such a rule follower, and I'm totally stressing myself out over it.  And I don't want to do anything to harm this baby.

This is why I think my hormonal outbursts are due to the stress of this situation.  Not to mention that whenever my blood sugar is high I just don't feel very well.  It just makes everything right for a good cry.

But I am determined to not let the devil steal my joy.  We have prayed for this pregnancy and we have fought for this pregnancy!  I am determined to not let this trial over shadow the joy that lies within.  

As I sat doing my quiet time today I asked God for His help in this situation for the first time this week.  Isn't it crazy that I would all but kill myself trying to figure this out on my own and it wouldn't even dawn on me to ask Jesus to help me?  Knowing He's been wanting to help me all along.  So, now at the top of my prayers and petitions each day will be asking God to guide me and direct me with every food choice, measurement and craving throughout the day.  After all, if He can help Barb do this; He can certainly help me!

Just to make things fun...

So, it appears that I am borderline gestational diabetic.  I was borderline when I was pregnant with Bayli, but way back then in the stone ages 5 years ago they didn't do anything about it. Apparently now when you are borderline all sorts of flashing lights and sirens go off and you are treated exactly as if you had failed the test 100%.  

I met with the dietician Thursday to learn how to try to control my blood sugar through diet.  I also met with a nurse to learn how to check my blood sugar.  Currently I am monitoring my blood sugar 4 times per day.

Can I stop now and whine just a little bit?

Good.  Because I know that I have wanted this pregnancy for a very long time, but it's just daily becoming a more and more difficult pregnancy.  I am very excited and super blessed...but I'm tired of the drama.  Honestly, I knew several miscarriages ago that I would never just "have a baby" I would always be considered high risk, and that I would never ever have a normal pregnancy.  But I did not expect this to happen in addition to all of the other stuff we've been dealing with.

However, the nurse explained to me in great detail that when my body can't tolerate or absorb the sugars properly it goes straight to the baby, mainly in the form of extra pounds.  Simply put, it just really isn't healthy for the baby.  And considering that all that I've prayed for is a healthy baby, then I have simply resolved  to suck it up and do whatever needs to be done to bring a healthy baby into the world.    

And honestly the diet isn't too bad.  I really haven't been craving sweets all that much.  My problem is that I love fresh fruits.  So, my excess sugar is coming from fruits and other carbs; like pasta and baked potatoes.  I haven't just been overloading on junk food.  But now I can't just grab an apple or a handful of grapes like I'm used to.  So it's taking a little bit of discipline. But, since the beginning of the pregnancy I've lost 22 pounds because I was so sick.  I've been joking all along that I would be the first pregnant woman in history to deliver a baby weighing less than when she got pregnant.  I guess God heard me and decided to help me out a little bit! :)

I also have been having quite a bit of pain due to my sciatic nerve.  Never knew that thing existed until a few weeks ago.  Luckily it only comes and goes, I know some people who suffer with it constantly- mine usually only bothers me 4-5 days out of the week.  The problem is, since I'm only 23 weeks, and it's been bothering me since about 18 weeks, they are afraid it might only get worse as time goes on.  So I am going to a physical therapist tomorrow to learn some exercises that I can do to relieve the pain.

On a happy note, we went Monday to the perinatologist for another ultrasound and to my regular appointment with my OB.  We got another great report from both Doctors.  (The ultrasound showed the baby as weighing 6 ounces larger than normal, but hopefully getting the insulin thing under control will help keep the baby's weight under control as well. ) Bayli was with us and she was so excited to see the baby on the screen.  She kept pointing out that she could see the heart "beeping".  She is so cute and so curious right now about everything baby related.  She always asks things like, "Mommy, does the baby know that we are watching Max and Ruby right now?" Or "Mommy, does the baby know that you just washed my hair?"  Too sweet!  My favorite still is when she talks to my belly, then listens in my mouth to 'hear the baby answer her'... how cute is that?

Well, that is the long recap of "New Moran- 23 week Update".  I am a little bummed about some things, but I will make it through this as well.  I just keep trying to remind myself of the old saying that when you have an easy pregnancy you have a difficult delivery, and when you have a hard pregnancy you usually have an easy delivery.  I am hoping to cash in on that one!  At least it's something to look forward to.  Regardless, when I was talking to my OB, and was very upset about the 'borderline gestational diabetes' thing; I told her...I just want one normal thing!  Just one thing!  And she gently reminded me, "Your baby."  And so it is.  I can take and live through just about anything for that!