God made Everything...even thumbs

Back before I had a child, you know in the day when I knew everything, I was determined that my child would never "get used" to needing a pacifier, and I would most certainly not have a thumb-sucking child. Heaven's no!

Then came the early days of sleepless nights, sleepless days...and general sleeplessness. And, my oh my the crying. Everyone in the house did a whole lot of crying those first few weeks, but Bayli took the cake. We became desperate, we tried everything, spending probably close to $100 trying to find a pacifier the child would take. We shoved everything in her mouth in an attempt to get her to suck it...we put her thumb, her fingers, her whole fist...possibly even a foot on occasion. Anything to end the crying and to get her to stop the incessant crying. All to no avail.

Somehow we all made it through, and fastforwarding about 6 months; one day we watched her study her hands for quite some time. Then all of a sudden she put her right thumb in her mouth and the rest is history.

And, for someone who did not want a thumb sucking child, I must say...it melted my heart. I still think it's one of the most precious sights in the world...watching a sleepy baby sucking their thumb as they drift off to a peaceful sleep. We knew that we should stop it then, but she was a baby, and it was so cute...so we let it ride. All the while in the back of my mind I kept telling myself that we'll break it when she's about 2. That should be simple enough.

On Bayli's 2nd birthday, I was just 2 weeks past learning we'd lost our 2nd baby. It was a hard time, and she was still a baby herself, so I decided we'd let it go a little longer. After all, she was growing so much and so fast every day, this kept her more of a baby. We decided that it was ok for her to suck her thumb only while sleeping for naps and bedtime. Any other time we'd find her sucking it, we'd make her stop. For some reason I kept thinking that 4 years old was my cut off. 4 is the limit, too old to keep sucking your thumb.

Now she's 4. And she's my only baby still...And, it still melts my heart, and I still think it's sweet, and she only does it for about the first 15 minutes of sleep. But I know it's time. And the dentist confirmed it at her last appointment.

She's been asking for a pink ballerina room. So, we figured that might be some good ammunition to work with. We'll encourage her to stop sucking her thumb and when she masters it completely, we'll give her the pink ballerina room of her choice.

She went along with the plans quite nicely for the entire first day of the "new plan". We even went to Lowe's to pick out some paint chips, just for some tangible incentive. But as bedtime approached she started crawfishing big-time. And as I tucked her in that night, I prayed with her that God would give her strength to help beat this habit. And I prayed scripture over her, "Bayli can do all things through Christ who strengthens her!" It was looking good, until she turned over and said, "Mommy, in Club Faith we learned that God made everything." Stupid Mommy, not even realizing I'm being set up here, pipes up with "That's right honey...God did make everything. And He made all things good and perfect." So, my 4 year old, that's going on 14 replies, "Yes, Mommy...even thumbs. God made thumbs...and they're good. So I'm going to keep sucking mine until I'm older. We'll just wait on the pink room, ok?"

Now, what do you do with that my friends?

Can we talk?

*Disclaimer...if you do not want a glimpse into the reality and transparency of me...what's really going on inside me...please move on and do not continue reading.

And, I ask that you please do not judge me for being real.*

I remember the day clearly. 2 weeks after the loss...still trying desperately to pull myself together. Something was said to us that just should not have been. And right then and there I subconciously decided that the grieving process was stopping, even though I had not dealt with a thing...I had not accomplished a thing aside from crying for 2 weeks. I carefully chose my bricks and firmly planted them in the fashion of a wall. It's quite lovely, ivy growing on it, pretty flowers. All covered up. Disguised quite nicely. You have to look very carefully to even realize that there is indeed a wall there. But it's holding back the river of healing that so desperately needs to take place...that I want to take place. I want to be free from the weight of this wall, and free from the hurt and the pain that it's hiding. I also know that God wants me to be free from it all...it is not His will for me...

I am going out on a limb here, and might end up regretting it. But, I have realized over the course of the past several weeks that I am not totally healed, mended, whole, whatever from the course of events that we've been dealt over the past 6 years of life. I'm not sure why I thought I was ok, I guess because I've managed to do what I do best...get busy and get things done.

I've set some goals, and accomplished them. I've taken on new projects, and most are nearing completion, if not totally finished. I've implemented some systems and have an entire legal page filled with an on-going to-do list. But, no where on the list is there an entry 'take care of Holly'.

The day I learned we lost the last baby I started clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth, severely. I thought it would let up after some time had passed. Well, 10 months has passed and I'm still crying myself to sleep most nights and I'm still waking up with splinters of plastic in my mouth from grinding my splint so badly. I wake myself up several times in the middle of the night because I'm grinding so badly and I can't stop. My shoulder is swelling off and on and I've been having odd chest muscle pain, all from grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw. It's now to the point that my Dentist is totally worried about the long-term damage and, he's totally frustrated because he can't do anything more to help me stop.

Let me stop right here and admit...I am totally defeated in this area...and I'm mad about it.

See, I am smart enough to know there is a bigger problem here. One that can't be solved by getting my splint adjusted. And I'm mad at myself that I can't get to the root of the problem, spiritually speaking. I know this is an attack, and I know that I should be prepared to fight. However, it appears that I'm not. And that makes me mad. I've been saved, and have been full-steam ahead, on-fire for God for 14 years...I should not be battling with this- I should be able to lick this; but it appears that I'm too tired. I'm too tired from keeping myself so busy so that I won't have to think about it or deal with it at all.

My question is, how can you live life and deal with a huge major life thing...how do you heal from 6 years of repeated hurt, suffering, disappointment, grief and loss? When the only way you've ever known to "deal" with something is to stay busy? To not think? To remain numb? It's just the easiest thing to do...dealing with it takes too much time. I'm OCD, I'm pretty sure that's well documented. So, really and truly, how does one go about managing work, home, dishes, supper, meal-planning, grocery store, not to mention bathing, brushing teeth, etc AND take the time to heal and learn to be ok with something that has totally rocked me to the core? Am I analyzing too much? I'm sort of an all or nothing sort of gal, dealing with bits and pieces at a time so that by the time I'm 52 I have this whole thing worked out just isn't good enough for me. How do I get past the hurt for longer than a few days without it festering back up again? How do I get to the point where I can have a conversation with a friend from High School and explain why it is that we only have one child, without getting angry? When does that come? When does the pain stop?

What I've done up until this point is just went on with life, still praying, reading my Bible, spending time with God...hoping that my emotions will catch up with my mind and my body. But it hasn't totally worked yet. It's too much surface stuff...I need to go deeper somehow. Get to the heart of the matter...but who wants to do that...honestly?

Because apparently the easiest way is not always the best way. Because this stuff that you haven't dealt with begins to seep out of your pores in every area of your life. It limits you. And I don't want to be limited, because I serve a God without limits and boundaries.

I don't want to sound like I'm going off the deep end. I know that my life is in God's hand. And I know that He will continue to sustain me. I'm just hurting still, and I don't know how to stop. I'm tired of just coping, because I know that God has more than that for me. And, I'm just being honest. I am not one to put on a show or put on a front...I'm real. And this is the real me right now...thank you Jesus that you are there to rescue me!

Father God, I know that you already know everything about me. You know how badly I'm hurting...you see it and you want me to give it to you. I know that, I just have to do it. God, there are times when the pain is so overwhelming.......it takes my breath away. God, help me. I don't even know what to pray anymore...or how to pray...but You know God. You know. Thank you for loving me...even when I'm in a funk like this. God, heal my broken heart. Father God, I spoke to a friend the other day and mentioned that maybe it's a good thing that we still have this wait time ahead of us...maybe me and You can get some "stuff" worked out. I love you so much God, and all I want is to serve you with my whole heart. And I know that my whole heart isn't available right now b/c of this hurt over the losses and also the words that were spoken. God, those words hurt worse and have done more damage. Help me try to work past that, to forgive that person. God, this is it, all laid out on the line. Tell me the next step, please show me. I can't live like this any more.

Face for Grace,

Holly

A Perfect Princess Party

I've been a little hesitant about posting this, I think part of it is denial. It hurts to type the words that Bayli is officially 4 years old. 4 years old. I mean, it's not like she's ready to drive or anything, but there is absolutely no sign of baby anywhere on or around her. She is so past that, she is officially a little girl, with this 4th birthday making it official.

Regardless, we set out to have a Princess Party. And, indeed...a Princess Party it was.






We had glass slipper invitations (the pic is a bad example of how very cute they were) glass slipper cookies, we played "Slipper, Slipper...who has the Slipper?" (a princess version of hot potato), we played "Pin the slipper on Cinderella's foot" and the kids even decorated their own cupcakes with the sprinkles that were in the little acrylic glass slippers.

It was, in the words of a very special Princess, "a perfect day and a perfect party...and I wouldn't change a thing Mommy". In my opinion, that is a very high compliment coming from a princess.

(In this picture she's showing off her new "Princess" ring that Grammy and Paw gave her...it's adorable!)

Sorry sweet princess, you will always be my Baby...no matter how much of a Big Girl you grow up to be!!

Face for Grace, Holly