Six Years

Six years- since I posted last? No- but it sure feels like it. To say it's been rough since Lilli was born is the understatement of the century.

Six years. The number of years since we welcomed our first little girl into our longing arms.

Six years. The number of years that my heart has been outside of my body.

Six years. The number of years since I've been able to be a little selfish.

Six years ago I didn't have a little girl to tuck in at night. To giggle with. To hold when my arms feel empty. I didn't know nor could I possibly fathom the true meaning of love.

Six years ago our lives changed drastically. It was the most amazing, fearful, wonderful, scary day of my life.

For six years my life has not been the same...and I've never been so grateful!

Happy Birthday Beautiful Girl!

Yesterday when we were running errands for your party I said sort of hesitantly, "Bayli- tomorrow you are going to be SIX YEARS OLD!" And you replied, "But Mommy. It's ok because I will always be your little baby"

You have no idea how true that is little one!

Why everyone needs a little girl...

Mother's Day was Bayli's dance recital. And because I absolutely LOVE and adore any and all things GIRL- I didn't even mind sharing my special day with my special little girl.

She was precious- as were the other 150+ little girls who attend her dance school. And, even though it was a very long, hot, day- we had a ball watching her in her element...showing off while looking cute! It's what she does best. And, as she put it, "Mommy- this was my best Mother's Day yet!"

A Hidden Jewel

A few days ago my sweet little girl got into the car with a huge grin on her face. She had a surprise for me hiding in her pocket. Since we were in the car pool line, I told her that I would love to see it as soon as we got home.

So, we walk through the door, and with a big smile she produces my prize.

The picture isn't the best, but it's a little heart shaped candy. She found it on the playground during recess. It was full of dirt, so she cleaned it with her spit. Now it's shiny and good as new! And it made her think of me. She kept it in her pocket all day, keeping it safe for me.

Who said motherhood is not a paid job? Because, my friends, little gifts and tokens like these are priceless, irreplacable jewels! This little beauty has a place of honor on the window sill by my kitchen window. Every day when I'm washing up some dishes I think about that little smile, or the sweet little girl who took the time to spit shine it for me!

Funny, when you think about it, we were taken from the mirey clay too. But now we have a place of honor. We all once were hidden jewels, now we can shine for all the world to see!

For Her

I lay in bed this morning thinking of a sweet little girl; who incidentally, was lying in the crook of my arm.  This sweet little girl is about to have the only world she's ever known rocked to the core.  She's also about to experience the greatest joy- and something that she's asked for since she learned to speak.

I remember very clearly the times that she was barely a few feet tall- yet begging for a little sister or brother.  I remember very clearly her asking why she couldn't have one.  I remember my overwhelming feelings of inadequacy when we were struggling through those couple of years of unexplained infertility.  When pregnancy had come so easily before, yet now just couldn't happen.  And I would spend many of hours crying, pouring my heart out to the Lord, like Hannah.  Praying that He would hear my prayers and answer them.  And that little intuitive spirit, in that tiny 3 year old little body... wise beyond her years.  One day as the tears stained my cheeks she looked up from the TV, came over and wiped my eyes and said, "Mommy, I know why your heart hurts today.  Because you want a baby and you can't have one."  I was awestruck as I was very careful not to ever say anything in front of her to indicate there was a problem.  

Still, she continued to ask.  And we had to come to terms with the fact that it might just be that for some unknown reason a sibling would be the one thing on this earth that we wouldn't be able to give to her.  

I never wanted to be the mother of an only child.  I never wanted her to grow up alone.  My heart would ache.  With every milestone, every new thing she learned to do; everything that should have been celebrated, was only celebrated superficially.  Deep down inside I grieved her growing up.  The only baby that I was able to bring to this earth was growing up before our very eyes and I just couldn't stand it.

I remember the months of unsuccessful fertility treatments.  The crazy hormones.  The times that my patience was way too thin for such a sweet little girl.  With each and every unsuccessful round of treatment- hopes dashed yet again.  My heart was filled with such grief, yet so much love for the one that I had been blessed with, the one that was so sweet and perfect, the one that kept asking for a sibling to love and to play with... for her.

Then, finally!  Success!  The positive pregnancy test!  We never hesitated to tell her the news!  That finally- we were going to be able to grant her greatest wish!  The sibling that she desired for so long was finally on it's way.  It never even dawned on us to guard her little heart, even though we had already had 2 miscarriages at this point.  Certainly after 15 months of trying this one would work!  We talked about baby things, and baby names... and she was over the moon with excitement for this little sibling that she had been desiring!  She was going to be the Big Sister!  

The strong lab results, the strong heartbeat, the beautiful ultrasound image.  Followed by pain.  A life too short, taken from us again.  But this time it was different.  It didn't just hurt me, and it didn't just hurt Jason, it hurt her.  We thought that since she had just turned 3 years old that she might just forget about the baby if we stopped talking about it.  Not this girl, not the one with the memory like an elephant.  She remembered, and remembered well.  Daily she spoke of the baby with such excitement, unknowingly pouring salt into my seeping wounds.  One day out of the blue, that all too smart little mind finally caught on to what was happening.  Out of the blue she said, "Mommy, do you have a baby in your belly or what?"  I was rendered speechless yet again.  Her beautiful blue eyes piercing mine, waiting patiently for a response.  We had already decided upon adoption, so we lovingly told her what we should have shared with her a few weeks ago.  That the baby we all had wanted for so long was gone.  It was in Heaven with Jesus.  

Yes, sweetheart, I know that you wanted it here.  So did we.  My grief was so strong I could hardly comfort her.

For her.  The one who, still to this day, has a helium balloon for a day or so, then decides to let it go to fly up to heaven for Jesus and for her sibling that she wanted so badly.  

For her.  The one who quietly sat in the backseat with tears streaming down her face and chin quivering as we left the hospital when visiting her new cousin 18 months ago.  She spoke up finally, with voice trembling, and said, "But... Mommy and Daddy...I wanted us to be the ones who were so excited!  I wanted us to be the ones to have the new baby to hold!"

My resolve had worn out years ago.  I was weary from this fight known as infertility and miscarriage.  My arms were tired from holding them up during the battle.  My heart was shattered one too many times.  I had decided that I was going to just love Jesus and trust Him.  And that regardless if He ever decided to bless my womb again, or if He ever decided to grace my arms with the warmth of a newborn little life that was my own... I was going to serve Him and love Him and praise Him.  Regardless of the outcome of it all.  After all, He had already done so much.

But, for her.  I just couldn't stop myself from trying again to give her the sibling that she wanted, the child that of course we wanted too.  

The sweet tender spirit who talks to my belly, then listens in my mouth waiting to hear the baby speak.  The sweet little girl who can't keep her hands off of my growing belly.  The one who tells me how beautiful I look every day.  The one who prays for me and for this little life without any prompting.

For her... my firstborn, my love, my heart.

Merry Christmas...a tad late

Christmas 2008 was wonderful for the Moran family!  I lay awake several hours on Christmas Eve thinking about the day ahead of us.  I was so excited for Bayli-bug.  I just knew that she was going to have the time of her life opening gifts.  I was also so overwhelmed as I lay in bed and felt the little life inside of me fluttering a few times.  If you had told me even 6 short months ago that we would be at this place this Christmas I wouldn't have been able to believe you.  I believed that God would answer our prayers, but yet we have been so programmed to just accept our situation, like it or not, that truly realizing, accepting and processing this information has been , oddly enough...almost a challenge.  Allowing the joy to overshadow the fear- it's taken quite a bit of prayer.

We also started a new tradition with our Jesse tree.  It was so much fun making the ornaments and putting it all together.  Every night we looked forward to that time as a family.  We will look forward to this for many years to come!

I have to tell you about the funniest thing that happened Christmas morning!  We had 1 present that was really big that couldn't fit under the tree so we set it beside the entertainment center.  I had wrapped it and put a bow on it, but didn't put the name tag on it.  I started to do it Christmas Eve, but Jason told me not to.  He just wanted me to surprise her.  So bright and early Christmas morning Bayli knocked on our door and said, "It's Christmas morning and time to open presents!  And guess, what?  There is a BIG present beside the TV and there is no name on it.  Is it for me?"  All morning she kept asking who the big present was for and we just told her we weren't sure, we'd open it all together after we opened all of the other gifts.  Eventually she quit asking, but when all of the presents were opened she asked to open the big gift.  Luckily I grabbed my flip video because what happened next might go down in history as the most excited gift opening experience of a lifetime! Enjoy!

5 Years Ago...

5 years ago today was the eve of my first and only (so far) child's birth.

5 years ago today I was still unaware of the power that 9 pounds could have on a family, on a household, on a marriage...on my heart.

5 years ago today I was still filled with wonder and uncertainty...mixed with a little bit of fear and trepidation.

5 years ago today I was not complete.

5 years ago today was the last day that my heart was my own and inside of my own body.

I wouldn't change a single thing about the last 5 years.

Happy Birthday (tomorrow) to my sweet baby girl!

Bayli for President

Yesterday morning we were sitting on the couch trying to wake up and get ready for school. (The new schedule has been killer on all of us!) Jason had the TV on the morning news and they were showing clips and scenes from the controversy brewing between Russia and Georgia. There were clips of fighting, houses and buildings burning..."normal" war-type scenes. I didn't realize Bayli was paying attention, she was sort of zoned out, trying to clear the sleep from her eyes; but- it was obvious...this wasn't Noggin'.

Suddenly she perked up and said with much concern in her voice, "Mommy! What are they doing?" I began explaining to her that they weren't getting along, so instead of working it out they started to fight each other.

To which she replied, "Oh dear...I just don't think this is a good idea!" "I think we need to get all of these people, and bring them to my school. And Mrs. Allen will move their man to the sad face. Then they'll have to miss recess AND have to go to Mr. Veron's office! Then they'll stop fighting!"

I don't know about y'all, but I think that's one of the most concise, well thought out plans I've heard in a while!

Bayli for President!
Year 2048
She's got my vote

Praise Him in the Dance...

This is Bayli's first year in dance class. She absolutely loves it and her instructor tells me quite often that she is doing very well. She attends Divine Dance Academy here in town; all of the faculty and staff are Christians and everything they do is to christian music. Each and every week they open and close the class with group prayer and a devotional. I cannot say enough about Mrs. Cammie and the wonderful things that she is doing at Divine Dance...we have been so pleased and look forward to Praising Him through Dance at Divine Dance for many years to come...they are an answered prayer!

I say all of this as a prelude to some of the cutest pictures in the world. Wednesday afternoon was picture day for the upcoming recital. Her class has 2 of the most adorable outfits (1 for ballet and 1 for tap) so I let her pick out which costume she wanted to wear for her pictures. I brought my camera with me and snapped a few of my own pictures while waiting her turn in line.

I have to say, that as much as my heart longs and hurts for another child, I feel so utterly and completely blessed. It is my constant prayer of thanksgiving to God that if for some reason we were only to have 1 child in our earthly lives- the 1 that He chose to bless us with is the most completely wonderful, beautiful, precious little blessing that He ever could have created.

I love this little girl so much...