Eating my Lunch

It's been longer than I'd like to admit since the last time I've posted. I really can't even begin to think up a good excuse- other than we're just plain busy and I haven't really felt like it. I can manage to read blogs and keep up with other people; I just can't seem to find the time to write anything of my own.

Regardless, my little pity party that I've written about before continued well into January. I've been telling myself that I deserve it- we've been through a lot of heartbreak- so I'm certainly justified in my pity party throwing. However, during the last 10-15 days or so God has just ate my lunch.

It all began with a reluctant participation in our church's annual new year's fast. And also with a commitment to join our church in reading the Bible through in year. Both, I must say, have been life changing...God has honored my commitments- even though I was reluctant at the start. I am normally quite legalistic by nature- planning my fast very carefully. This year I was very open and obedient to what God wanted me to do, daily. Everything changed constantly. It really was a good thing, because I visited a side of me that I really didn't know existed. The side that could let God be in control- of everything- down to every morsel of food I put into, or didn't put into- my mouth...for 10 days. It was a very good thing.

Somewhere around day 5 or 6 of this 10 day fast, I began to weep- literally uncontrollably at times...for days on end. There were times that I cried so hard and so deep I couldn't stand, drive, think or function. I just cried- deep cleansing crying for days. And it felt good. So much hurt was purged, a lot of pain surfaced and I was actually able to make a few steps forward for the first time in a long time. I'm not certain, but I think I may have grieved a little. My marriage was strengthened, we had some issues that we've both been putting off discussing that have now been dealt with and a few important desisions have been made. For all of this I truly am blessed.

I have to also share my excitement over the reading plan to read the Bible through this year. Scripture that I've read time and time before now just jumps off the page and speaks to me in ways that it never has before. I used to struggle to understand things, but this time it's so different. And I am so grateful for it. God and I are meeting daily- and that goes without saying as being life changing.

I am also on a personal journey to joy. I've discussed this before many months ago in a previous post. I really thought I'd caught hold of something at the time. But, it appears it will be a daily thing for a while...something I'll need to work on. To stay happy and joyful. Isn't that sad? It's horrible to be at a place of such longing and dissatisfaction with how your life is. One night during the fast Jason and I knelt and held hands together in prayer in the sanctuary of our church and, between sobs, I confessed to him and God that I didn't want to miss another minute of my life because I was consumed with what I don't have right now. I want to be happy right now. If you are a planner and a goal setter, sometimes you can be your own worst enemy because you "wish away" the present. I can think back over most of my adult life and clearly remember exactly what the next phase of life would be...and that whenever that next phase came, then I'd be happy. But the happiness was fleeting. When we were dating, it was always "when we're married..."; then when we were in our mobile home, it was always "when we get a house...'; then it was "when we have kids...". I've spent the last 15 years wishing away the present trying to plan and figure out the future. Because certainly then I'll be happy. Enough! I'm not saying that I'm not blessed, because I KNOW that I am blessed. And I'm not saying that I'm a stick in the mud- because I always have fun. I'm talking about deep down joy that cannot be shaken, changed or stolen...because it is God-given. I have to tell you that I've been praying fervently for God to reveal something to me- I want some sort of pill to take or a book to read with a few simple steps to follow to finding joy. But, it doesn't exist. Sure, there's the Bible and it's full of a ton of things to help you find joy. But, just like the magic pill that I want, or even the self help book- you have to ingest it...daily! You can't set a pill on your nightstand and expect it to cure you- you've got to ingest it- and it has to go through your bloodstream and be digested and absorbed by all of your organs. It's the same for God's word. You have to let it seep into your organs and bloodstream. You have to apply it- and let it do it's magic. It's life changing...but you have to allow it to work.

The thing is, truely meeting God is starting to work. I had no doubts that it would- it's just crucifying the flesh and taking the time. Every day I am making the time...and God and I are meeting. And He is speaking to me. And the joy and contentment are slowly showing up, I'm noticing it in little ways. I was able to sit in the pediatricians office today and play with a 7 month old baby sitting beside us. I was able to do that without having to run to the bathroom and cry after. I truly was happy to see a happy baby that wasn't mine. I still longed for a baby...and I thanked God for the babies that are still to come into our lives. Instead of the woe is me I made a decision to choose to look at the positive...just like I made a decision to choose to meet God this morning before I started my day.

It truly is life changing stuff.

Face for Grace,
Holly

PS- it's officially been 6 months since we submitted our Dossier! How time flies when you've having a pity party!