Our Baby is Perfect!

We just returned from the visit with the Perinatologist and in his exact words, "If I have to give my honest, professional opinion, I totally believe that we will see a healthy baby born into this world in late May/early June 2009.  Nothing that I am seeing here alarms me or gives me any indication otherwise."

At which point I begin to sob.  Because those are words that I have waited to hear for years! 

 

My heart is overjoyed!  And I look forward to getting some much needed rest now.  I feel certain that I should be able to relax enough to take that long winter's nap that I kept hearing about but haven't been able to witness first hand.

And, on a side note, we opted NOT to find out the sex of the baby.  Jason was a bit disappointed, but this is another thing that I've wanted for years...that element of surprise when going into the delivery room.  We go back for another ultrasound with the Perinatologist in about 4 weeks, so we have a little more time to discuss it and change our minds if we decide to.  I guess I'm just so happy to be carrying a healthy baby that the sex doesn't matter at all to me either way.  I would love a little boy since we already have Bayli and then Grayci will be on her way from El Salvador one day.  But I'd also be perfectly content with a houseful of girls.  

We'll see.  God has obviously already determined the perfect little life to join our family and for now it is our plan to wait to open and marvel at that gift at the time it enters our world.  Boy or Girl, what'll it be??  I guess we'll have to wait and see!

Thank you all for your prayers!  And thank you Jesus...giver of all wonderful and perfect gifts!  Thank you for blessing us.  It is still a little hard to digest this news after so much heartache and heartbreak, but I am more determined than ever to just live in the moment and enjoy the blessing before us!

An Update

Hey Everyone,

Just wanted to ask for all of your prayers tomorrow morning as we are going to see a specialist that will more than likely be co-monitoring me, along with my regular OB, throughout the remainder of my pregnancy.

I know I've spent a lot of time recently re-living a little bit of past, but the truth is, I'm still pretty freaked out about the present.  I am very excited about our pregnancy- but yet there are many times a day when the fear that grips my heart is so overwhelming I can barely catch my breath.  There are many times when the words leave me and all that I can do is barely whisper "Life...God I pray for Life".  Maybe it's not the most eloquent of prayers, but I don't think that matters.  

I haven't been sleeping real good the past few nights because all that I can think about is what we will find out tomorrow.  I pray that it is a good report...no complications...and quite simply- I pray for life.

A few things I've learned along the way...Part IV

continued from previous post...

If you remember, we had just celebrated our 7 year anniversary. I remember sitting in the break room at my job when my supervisor told me that I should beware because he had heard that the 7th year of marriage was the toughest...that's when most divorces occur. Funny- we were in the middle of the most difficult thing our 7 year old marriage ever knew. But, apparently it was going to get worse before it got better.

I was sitting at my desk when Jason called me suddenly one day to tell me that he had been laid off from his job. He was going to finish out that week, collect that paycheck and then he'd receive 4 weeks severance pay.

Ok, in case you need help keeping score...brand new house, with a brand new house note; still dealing with the very difficult loss of our first pregnancy and now the loss of our main source of income. Wow- happy 7 year anniversary!!

I guess that this news, although a little overwhelming at the time, came at a good time because it forced us out of our pity-party. It also brought us closer together, we worked together on our budget and things to cut if necessary. We prayed together more and decided that no matter what happened, we would never short change God. Our tithe would still be the first bill we would pay, regardless of how tight things became.  We were very blessed, though, because it never became necessary to go to that extreme. By the time that the severance pay had been used up, God had blessed Jason with a new job that was only a mile or two from our house and he received a $6000 per year increase in pay.

Although focusing on and dealing with Jason's change of jobs had forced us out of the pity-party with the loss of our baby; we did have another challenge to deal with. Jason's brother and his wife had their first baby. I was responsible for giving her their baby shower. Although it was an exciting time for all of us in our family, there was no hiding the fact that my heart was hurting over our loss during this time. The day that my sweet nephew was welcomed into the world was bitter sweet for us. We were so very happy for them, and loved him so much, but it was such a hard time for us. Please don't misunderstand, I love that little boy like crazy- I have from the beginning; but no matter how much you love someone and no matter how happy you are for someone else- it becomes very difficult to watch someone so close to you receive the blessing that you yourself have wanted for so long.  But, as hard as it was, the most amazing thing happened...the minute I held that sweet bundle of joy my heart began aching again- but in a different way.  I realized more than ever what we were missing out on.  I realized what had been stolen from us.  And I started rounding the corner of maybe, possibly being able to give another pregnancy another try.

If God had allowed us to become pregnant the first time, certainly he could allow it again, right?  And, even though we were still scared out of our minds, there was no guarantee that what happened before would happen again.  Maybe, just maybe I was ready to try again??

to be continued.... 

Merry Christmas...a tad late

Christmas 2008 was wonderful for the Moran family!  I lay awake several hours on Christmas Eve thinking about the day ahead of us.  I was so excited for Bayli-bug.  I just knew that she was going to have the time of her life opening gifts.  I was also so overwhelmed as I lay in bed and felt the little life inside of me fluttering a few times.  If you had told me even 6 short months ago that we would be at this place this Christmas I wouldn't have been able to believe you.  I believed that God would answer our prayers, but yet we have been so programmed to just accept our situation, like it or not, that truly realizing, accepting and processing this information has been , oddly enough...almost a challenge.  Allowing the joy to overshadow the fear- it's taken quite a bit of prayer.

We also started a new tradition with our Jesse tree.  It was so much fun making the ornaments and putting it all together.  Every night we looked forward to that time as a family.  We will look forward to this for many years to come!

I have to tell you about the funniest thing that happened Christmas morning!  We had 1 present that was really big that couldn't fit under the tree so we set it beside the entertainment center.  I had wrapped it and put a bow on it, but didn't put the name tag on it.  I started to do it Christmas Eve, but Jason told me not to.  He just wanted me to surprise her.  So bright and early Christmas morning Bayli knocked on our door and said, "It's Christmas morning and time to open presents!  And guess, what?  There is a BIG present beside the TV and there is no name on it.  Is it for me?"  All morning she kept asking who the big present was for and we just told her we weren't sure, we'd open it all together after we opened all of the other gifts.  Eventually she quit asking, but when all of the presents were opened she asked to open the big gift.  Luckily I grabbed my flip video because what happened next might go down in history as the most excited gift opening experience of a lifetime! Enjoy!

A Few Things I've Learned Along the Way...Part III

continued...

In between sobs, "Jason, I need you to come back to the Doctors office...there's no heartbeat". I was hysterical in the truest sense of the word. I couldn't believe that the little life we had so carefully planned for had slipped away from us. We watched it happen, slowly...almost daily ultrasounds- first 160+, then 120's- now silence where the flickering heartbeat had been only a few days before.

For me, losing our first pregnancy brought so many bigger fears, "what if we never are able to have children?" "what if I have to go through this again (little did I know...)" "what if I can't get pregnant again so easily next time?" "how will I tell everyone this horrible news...they are all so happy" I could have chosen to just believe good things, but instead my heart and mind reeled with the negative truth of the situation.

My heart was broken, as was Jason's...and I really felt like I had let him down.

But, by far, the absolute worse thing of all was that everyone's life just went on. The world kept turning- even though my personal world had come to a sudden halt. I was so angry at the people who called me- literally within hours of us finding out that we had lost the baby and they couldn't understand our sadness. They couldn't understand why we cried. People actually gave us words of wisdom to try again the next month! Quoted, word for word, "You guys better get busy and jump back in the saddle again right away!" Um, ok- are you guys the same breed of people who held signs at abortion rallies before?! Do you not believe that life begins at conception? Because, if you believe that...which I do too...then you are telling me to forget about the little life, the little life that was to grow into our child. The life that was living inside of me! It was a life...and it was my child! I also found it interesting there is no bereavement time at work for women who have miscarried. Even though they have miscarried a human life. But if your hubands great Aunt Sally twice removed were to pass away I could have taken 3 days off with pay. However, I had to take vacation time, and then time without pay to cover the few days that I took off to recover from my D&C .

My other personal favorite is the "well at least you didn't feel it move yet" or "at least you didn't have time to know it and/or love it yet" or "well, at least it happened now" and "this must be part of God's plan". Please people- if this is the best you've got then you should try again. Because, it's no secret that mother's are very protective of their children. And, what I felt at that moment was you attacking my child... as if my child was less than yours because it didn't make it long enough for me to feel it move. And, I did absolutely have time to fall in love with this baby. For real, please, please don't ever say these things to a woman who just lost a baby...just simply tell her that you love her and that you are praying for her...then really pray for her because more than likely she'll need it.

As far as trying again- I was scared out of my mind. The devil ate my lunch. For me personally, I had to take some time to grieve this loss. We had to take some time to find our new normal. We had been suddenly thrown feet first into a new chapter of our lives- one that we weren't prepared to handle. Those of you who have never lost a baby might think that I have over reacted, and maybe I did- but my hurt and pain was very real and I had to figure out how to deal with it.

Jason and I chose to get away for a few days in Florida. Funny thing is, I hate the beach. The sand is, quite frankly, just a little too sandy for me. However, I love nothing more than to get a beachfront room and sit on the balcony for hours reading and listening to the waves and smelling the ocean air. There is nothing like it. We also went to a Christian Book Store in Destin and picked up a devotional book entitled "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" it is a remarkable little book and I have actually purchased many of them for women I know that have lost babies. This little book, done daily with my sweet husband helped us forge our way through the fog and deal with a lot of our hurt and pain.

We were at a scary point in our lives. It was the first real problem that we had encountered in the 7 years since we were married. All of a sudden, the world that we knew was different. We no longer had the bliss of being young and naive.

We had lost our first child...

to be continued

Spilling the Beans

We decided to tell Bayli about her new little sibling on the way a little earlier than originally planned. We were going to tell her Christmas Morning, but so many people are finding out now at Church that we were so afraid that someone would say something before we had the opportunity to. I had her Big Sister shirt and the framed pics of the ultrasound wrapped and ready to stick under the tree on Christmas Eve, but instead we surprised her last night. We all had our heads bowed and as Bayli said the blessing for dinner, I pushed her plate out of the way and placed the gift in front of her on the table. When she opened her eyes- there it was- the shiny red wrapped gift.

She opened the present- so excited- and then pulled out the shirt and sounded out the words. She was confused at first b/c she knows she's going to be a Big Sister to Grayci once the adoption goes through. But, once she saw the ultrasound pictures and we explained that Mommy had a baby in her belly she went crazy! She ran to the phone to call her Grandma and Grammy and Aunt Shelley- then she put her shirt on and we had to make our rounds to all of our neighbors to show them the picture. Some of them knew already but some of them didn't. They were all quite surprised that I was already 16 weeks and that we had kept the secret this long!

Last night was the best. We were sitting on the couch after doing our Jesse Tree for the evening. And she laid her head on my belly. Suddenly she shot up and got right in my face and said, "Now Mommy, I want you to open your mouth so that I can hear the baby!" It was hilarious! She is certainly one excited little girl!

Also, I was in Baton Rouge today finishing up some last minute Christmas shopping, so I decided to stop by my Doctor's office to hear the heartbeat again. I wanted to be sure that we were making a wise decision by telling her last night. And while I was on the table I felt the baby move twice!! It kept running away from the doppler and I could feel it- very faintly...but I still could feel it! How incredible. I've waited quite some time for that flutter...not just a few months; but instead many long years!

What an amazing day we had!

A Few Things I've Learned Along the Way...Part II

What else could we possibly ask for? (continued from previous post)

1 1/2 short weeks into my pregnancy I began experiencing a lot of cramping on my right side. Afraid that I might be experiencing an ectopic pregnancy my Dr ordered an ultrasound. I was 6 weeks along and she advised me not to be discouraged if we didn't have a heartbeat yet, considering I was still so early. We went for the ultrasound to find that it was not an ectopic pregnancy- but rather a seemingly healthy pregnancy with a growing fetus that had a heartbeat of 164 beats per minute! We were thrilled...everything seemed to be falling into place just as we had planned for so many years! What a miracle to see that little life so early with the heart beating away- a miracle life created by God using me and my spouse whom I loved so much. It was the product of the two of us...what a blessing!

Our Doctor was very surprised to find such a strong heartbeat so early on- but was still mystified about the cramping. Since it didn't subside she admitted me over night for observation and an IV. Well, after my 3rd bag of IV fluids the cramping stopped. Apparently I wasn't aware of how much a little life can take right out of you. I had been dehydrating- just not taking in enough fluids to cover what the baby was taking from me. I felt like a new person the next day!

4 days later, on a Sunday afternoon, I began spotting. I was very freaked out but really had no immediate reason to be alarmed-after all we had been so careful in timing and planning this pregnancy to the very last detail. Certainly it was God's will for us to have his baby...

I went to bed that afternoon and stayed in bed until the next day when I called my Dr. She requested to see me right away and scheduled another ultrasound. We went to see her and upon examining me she really felt like everything was still ok. We saw a still strong heartbeat on the ultrasound screen- it had dropped slightly but was still in a healthy range. She advised me to continue with our regular routine and to stop worrying about the spotting. If a miscarriage were to happen there is nothing medically that can be done to stop it. It was a hard road to walk, but we took her advice. We went to work, cleaned house, grocery shopped, kept up with our regular routine...all the while I kept spotting.

Another 3 or 4 days passed and I called to request another ultrasound. The heart beat had dropped to 120. My Dr. insisted that this was still a healthy range- let's just try not to worry. I had a regualar visit scheduled for the following week- I would be 7 1/2 weeks at that point. I held on to hope that everything would be fine. After all, that's what the medical professional recommended and I trusted her. I continued to spot the entire weekend, sometimes lightly and sometimes pretty heavy. I began to dread trips to the bathroom as I knew I would be reduced to tears as I surveyed the situation. I kept my faith high- as high as possible given the situation. All that we could do was pray and hope for the best.

We went for our scheduled appointment and my Dr. insisted that all was still well. She prescribed a prenatal vitamin (isn't that funny that we hadn't done that yet?) and just to set my mind at ease I went for another ultrasound. Jason asked her if it was safe for him to return to work b/c he had missed so much work already the past couple of weeks. She assured him that everything was fine, this was just to reassure me...after all- some people spot their entire pregnancy.

I layed on the table in disbelief. The technician couldn't tell me the results- but she didn't have to. I could see with my own 2 eyes that the little flicker was gone. The flicker that had been life had been replaced with a still, blank screen.

Our little life was gone. The baby that we had hoped for, wished for, dreamed for...prayed for. It was gone. Too early. As the technician escorted me back up to my physician's office, she allowed me to use her cell phone to call my husband. My sweet unsuspecting husband who had gone back to work assuming everything was fine. I had to call him to tell him that I was so sorry; and that I felt horribly responsible even that I knew it wasn't my fault...but who else's fault could it be? My heart was broken. God had trusted me with this life, and my womb failed us...

...to be continued...

A Few Things I've Learned Along The Way

As I've documented a time or two over the past little while of doing this blog thing; growing our family has been quite the challenge for Jason and I. And for some reason over the past couple of months I have felt rather compelled to share our journey in greater detail. Maybe it will minister to someone, maybe it will minister to me- or maybe it will just be documented for my children to one day read so that they can fully grasp how very important it was for us to try so hard to bring them into the world.

Either way I will attempt to spend the next several posts spilling my guts in (hopefully) a somewhat organized and orderly fashion as I try to put into words the events that have taken place over the past 6 1/2 years of our lives.

I have always wanted to be a Mom. From as early on as I can recall- probably about the age of 4 or 5, as soon as I made the connection to girls being the ones that had the babies and that I was a girl, therefore I could be a Mom...I was hooked. My mother tells me one of my first words was baby. I have always adored children and could not wait to give birth. My sister in law used to joke that my body "yearned to give birth". I couldn't wait for the moment when I would feel life flutter inside me for the first time. I spent many, many hours babysitting as I grew up. I remember being 18 or 19 years old and cancelled plans with some friends of mine to spend the night in New Orleans just to babysit for 2 little children that I adored.

When I started looking for "Mr. Right" I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would have to be a family man, would have to love children and would have to want a houseful of kids one day himself. God certainly did not disappoint me when he sent my husband my way. God totally did not disappoint; not only did this man meet all of my criteria- he was also called to be a Children's Pastor. Hello- children were obviously in our future. When the time was right, all we would have to do is name our number and viola! We'd have the family we'd always dreamed of...or so we thought.

We were married and like most young married couples, struggled some financially. I always knew that I wanted to be a stay at home Mom when we did have children, so we knew it was better to wait until we were a little more financially set before trying to have children. We also wanted to be in a house, not in the mobile home we were living in at the time. After about 6 years of marriage we had finalized plans on our starter home. We began construction and knew that as soon as we moved in we'd begin trying to have a baby. After all, we had it all planned out- it was our time, so certainly it would be God's time too. The last nail was hammered into place on May 30, 2002 and we received our inspection certificate on May 31st and we began moving in.

We started trying to grow our family immediately. On July 14, 2002 I handed my husband an anniversary card with shaky, nervous hands. It was our 7 year wedding anniversary and the inside was signed, "With much Love, Holly and Baby" We had achieved our dream- and rather quickly I might add! We were both ecstatic and couldn't wait to share the news with anyone and everyone who would listen. What we had dreamed of was becoming a reality! We were going to have a baby. Our beginning of our 7th year of marriage looked to be promising...new house, new baby on the way!

What else could we possibly ask for?

The Weather Outside is Frightful...

The weather outside is frightful...but fun!

We woke this morning to actual snowflakes falling. We ran outside in PJ's and coats to snap a few pictures- thinking that would be the end of it. Well, 3 hours later the snow has finally changed to sleeting rain. But prior to that, we had at least 2 inches of snowfall. It was so much fun...but so cold. We southerners just ain't used to the extreme cold!

Having been born in Pennsylvania, I remember the snow, but it's been a long time! I also remember having the proper gear and attire to play in the snow. We have been make-shifting all morning. We just don't have snow boots and nice gloves. Bayli had some sorry little mittens and her poor fingers were freezing! But she didn't give up. She even made a snow angel!

Speaking of not having the proper gear and attire; we need to pray for everyone to drive safely in these conditions. It's fun to watch the snow fall while in the safety of your own home, but when out and about without snow tires and the other proper equipment- the icy roads become very dangerous. There are already several accidents and major road closures.

But, enjoy these pictures.

A mother's touch

This morning as I was taking Bayli to school I asked her if she ever got tired of my loving on her. Because, let's face it- I probably kiss and hug her 100+ times a day, combined with the number of times that I tell her that I love her combined with the time spent cuddling on the couch at night and in her bed at night before she falls asleep...well, lets just say she gets loved. But sometimes I'm afraid that my desire to mother another child overtakes me to the point of suffocating the one that I have. And, like it or not, there will probably come a day when she might not be as excited about the snuggle time. But her response to me this morning brought tears to my eyes. She said, "Oh no Mommy...who could ever get tired of their Mommy hugging them."

Oh sweetness.

But I couldn't help but think of a little girl in El Salvador who was brought to an orphanage b/c her mother loved her so much and desired a better life for her. And because of that great act of love we will be able to grow our family. And as much as I love this little one growing inside of me- my heart still burns with desire for the little one more than likely already born several hundreds of miles away. The one that will more than likely join our family as a toddler, not as an infant. The one who's mother loved her so...but who's mother's touch she probably hasn't felt in quite a while. The one who shares a room with 20 or so other children, none of whom are siblings. The one who has a care taker- doing the best she can to care for all of these children, but might not have the time or take the time to "love on her" in the physical sense of the word. The little girl who is to become our Grayci...the one that will be brought to us through the wonderful gift of adoption...the one who is growing in our hearts while one is growing in my belly.

My heart aches for her...I wish that she were here now, so that on Christmas morning we could share with her the wonderful news of a sibling that will be born into our home. I pray that she knows a Mother's touch. I pray that she feels my love across these miles.

I pray that she makes it home soon.

Hello, 2nd Trimester!

Edited to add Ultrasound Pic...new moran sucking his/her thumb! too sweet!

Well, I haven't had time to scan the latest ultrasound pic, but we did go to the Dr. Tuesday afternoon for another ultrasound and Dr. visit. And we are very pleased to announce that all is well! I am so very relieved to be out of my 1st Trimester and officially into the 2nd! What a HUGE milestone! My Dr really feels that it would be very odd for something to happen at this point- I am so relieved. My MIL commented today that my entire countenance has changed...she said for the first time in 3 months I actually look relaxed. I still feel a little anxious inside, but for the most part I'm allowing myself to get excited.

My next appointment will be December 31st where we will have to go to a specialist for monitoring due to the condition I have- Factor V (five). Apparently my body is more prone to blood clots, especially during pregnancy. This is why we've been doing the injections of Heparin 2x's daily...to help thin the blood so no clots will form. She said the main places of concern are in the placenta, uterus and umbilical cord. Please agree with us that the Heparin will do it's job and I will be able to remain blood clot free the entire pregnancy. I cannot even allow myself to think of such a complication.

And, on a more personal note, she is also open to the thought of allowing me to attempt a VBAC delivery this time. My delivery with Bayli was horrible- after a relatively easy labor I pushed for 3 hours, along with the use of forcepts at the end- just to end with an emergency C-section at the last minute b/c she was no longer tolerating the delivery. Knowing that this will be my last pregnancy I really desire to have a vaginal delivery. I wish to have that moment. However, trust me when I say that I will be totally ok with however the baby gets here, as long as it gets here safely. BUT- I am still praying for this desire to be met. I know that a decision regarding this particular situation will not be made until the very end, but I am just pleased that she is open to the possibility.

Thank you all for your prayers...