I wish that I could say that over time I had totally laid all of my fears aside and trusted God totally and completely and planned out the perfect time to try again for another pregnancy.
The truth of the matter is...my next pregnancy happened totally on a whim. Actually, my sweet husband commented that we shouldn't be fearful and that he really wanted to try again for another baby. That was on cycle day 3. After that I sort of panicked again, and told him I'd rather wait until I was certain that I was ready for the emotion of trying again. I realize that they say that God is the one who opens and closes the womb- and apparently that is correct. Because medically, um...it just shouldn't have happened.
But it did. And I am ever so glad.
We found out in January 2003 that we were indeed pregnant again. Since our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, my Doctor ordered some early blood work and an early ultrasound. The labs came back ok, but the ultrasound was borderline. The heartbeat was 99 beats per minute. We were told that there was a 50/50 chance of survival. We had to go home and wait it out for the next 2 weeks. We had made the decision at that point not to tell anyone at all about this pregnancy. So it was literally me, Jason and God for the next 14 days. It was one of the scariest times of my life.
During that time, we learned that a good friend of ours from church had lost her 2nd baby. She lost her first one 1 week before I lost mine. Ironically, we had been pregnant together again, but neither of us had told anyone, so we didn't know it. We called for permission to go visit with them and they allowed us to go. Their grief was horrible. The grief was so thick in the air, you could feel it upon entering their house. I sat and talked with her for several hours, trying my best to comfort her. I was pregnant, but she didn't know it; and we weren't even sure if our little life was going to make it. As I sat there with her- the tears streaming both of our faces she shared with me that an early ultrasound of theirs showed their baby with a heartbeat of 99 beats per minute. They were given the same odds as us. And their sweet little baby didn't make it. I remember excusing myself to the restroom literally gasping for air, praying and pleading with God to allow our life to make it; and feeling guilty for asking that knowing that on the other side of the door sat a dear friend of mine who had just lost hers.
Needless to say the next 2 weeks we were on pins and needles. I would love to say that I was full of confidence and relied totally on God's grace- but that would be a lie. I was scared out of my mind that our next ultrasound would show another still heartbeat. My prayers were more like begging and pleading rather than praying and believing anything that God said in His word.
It was a very difficult time to walk through, but we made it, and God blessed us. The next ultrasound did not show a still heartbeat, but instead a thriving pregnancy with a beautiful heartbeat! 160+ beats per minute. I was 9 weeks and 1 day and we were ready to rejoice!
Our original plans had been to wait until we were 12 weeks to share the news, but we both had peace that since we were farther along than we were when we lost the first baby, then certainly we must be ok. We were ready to spread the news! So we did exactly that. We told anyone who would listen. I carried ultrasound pictures with me in my purse and was thrilled to show anyone and everyone. The baby at that point looked like a little Teddy Graham snack cracker- so that was our loving term of endearment that we used when referring to the baby.
We never looked back, and the fear never returned during this pregnancy. We went full steam ahead planning for this baby that would join our family. We were overjoyed to say the least!
to be continued...
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