I held a baby

Some of you might not find this to be a big deal, but I held a baby. Which is something that I have not done in almost 3 years since my last nephew was born. Maybe some of you out there who have experienced loss or infertility might be able to relate to what I'm about to share. Some of you might find that I'm crazy. Regardless, it's my feelings. I haven't been so good at sharing my feelings recently, hence the lack of posts, but I guess now is as good a time as any.

I guess it's best described as needing to guard my heart. I can't explain the physical pain that my heart experiences when I'm around someone's baby. There is such a longing...it's overwhelming. I can think of no other way to guard my heart than to just not hold them.

It's a little sweet smelling 8 lb reminder of what I've lost, wrapped up in a soft little blanket washed in Dreft. And it's agonizing to me.

Jason's brother and his wife had their first baby last week. It was an emergency, she was born a couple of weeks pre-mature with both Mom and baby ending up in ICU. They are both fine now and are both home, praise God! We went to visit them Saturday night in the hospital. And it seemed like the right thing to do, and I wanted to hold her, but I was afraid that I couldn't trust my own emotions. Jason held her first, and he was a natural. He swaddled her for them, and then picked her up and loved on her. It hurt me to watch him. I can't give him what he wants...another child. Then Bayli wanted to hold her, so I had to help. Bayli climbed into my lap and we both held the baby tightly. We took off her little hat to see the sweet, soft little baby hair. She smelled so precious. She made tiny little noises. We investigated her tiny little hands and marveled at her itty bitty fingernails.

It was a precious moment that Bayli and I shared, but it should have been with me showing her our baby. The three of us marveling at her new little sister or brother and investigating all of their sweet little features.

I held it together until we were driving away and I noticed that Bayli was quiet. That doesn't happen too often. I asked her what was wrong and she said with tears in her eyes and chin quivering, "Mommy, I wanted us to be the ones with the new little baby."

Me too....sweet girl...me too

Face for Grace,
Holly

Ode to the "Kitchen" flag

Apparently the very first thing Bayli's class does every morning is Pledges. They say their pledge to the Bible, the pledge to the Christian Flag and the Pledge of Allegiance. I love the habit training she is receiving, and she seems to be catching on quite well...at least to the pledge to the Bible. The other two flag pledges she has combined into one...and it goes a little like this:

I pledge allegiance to the 'Kitchen' flag of the United States of America,
and to the public for which kingdom it stands,
One nation under God, 'indibidible'
with life, liberty and justice for all who believe.

For those of you who don't know your pledge to the Christian Flag...this is a very good combination of the 2 pledges combined as one. Now, I have to admit that I ascribe to the club of letting the cute phrases go, figuring she is only little once. What's the harm in calling a Starburst a Starbucks anyway? But Jason feels that even though it is indeed oh so cute, we must absolutely correct her at once. I know that's what the professionals will tell you to do, but maybe they just don't know just how much I enjoy this little girl and how much I need for her to stay little for as long as absolutely possible.

But, I am the most patriotic girl one will ever meet. I get angry every time I watch someone from the USA winning a gold medal at the Olympics and they don't sing along with our National Anthem. That is my absolute number 1 pet peeve in life! And, another interesting little tid-bit I bet you didn't know about me...my 2 favorite songs EVIR are "Proud to be an American" by Lee Greenwood and "The Star Spangled Banner". That is the absolute truth. For real. I absolutely love our country and we are absolutely blessed beyond measure to live in such an amazing place. We are the land of the free and the home of the brave people...for the love of all things Red, White and Blue...please sing along the next time you are on the podium receiving a gold medal and representing our country, ok?!

I digress.

Anyway, due to my over-the-top patriotism and feeling it was my duty as a fine upstanding citizen, I did correct Bayli on the pledge to the Kitchen flag and explained that instead it's the Christian flag. She's doing better with it...now it's more like "Kritchen" flag. She's getting there. Even though the 2 pledges are still combined as one long pledge to everything including the "Kritchen" sink :)

face for grace,
Holly

Adventures in Dog Sitting

Jason, Bayli and I had the adventure of a life-time this weekend...dog sitting.

Anyone who has known me for at least, oh say, 5 minutes knows that I really don't love dogs, or cats, or any other animal, to put it lightly. Actually, I can't think of any other way to say it than to say that I really, really dislike dogs...strongly. Very strongly. I don't like to see them hurt, or hungry or abandoned along side of the road...but even more than the fact that I don't like to see them suffer, I really don't like to see them at my house at all.

But I love my sister and brother in law, so we decided we'd help them out during their long weekend away. We agreed to watch their little 8 lb dog. 8 lbs, couldn't cause that much trouble, right? I should have went back in my memory to when someone else I know was 8 lbs, then I would have had a clear recollection of what trouble an 8 pounder could really be.

Now, let me begin by saying that as far as dogs go, this one is pretty cute. Adorable actually. Cute personality and little floppy ears, very cute. And had it not been for the 4 times that she escaped from our loving arms to frolick around the subdivision, complete with me diving to the ground in hopes of catching her. And our neighbors laughing at us because they know of our "love" for the canine friends. And the fact that we've been woken up at 5:30AM every morning, because even though this cute little doggy sleeps until 10:00 with Mommy and Daddy...apparently it just ain't so when she's away from home. Aside from these few little incidents, we might have decided to keep her...because she's just that cute.

But, 3 really great things came out of this weekend:
#1- Jason has decided he doesn't want a dog after all
#2 Bayli even decided that having a dog is over-rated
#3- I now have even more leverage if any of the above-mentioned folks have a weak moment and change their mind about wanting a dog. I can casually bring up this weekend...enough said.

It's just a lot of work. And when you are as busy as we are, you have to pick and choose the things that are important enough to spend extra time and energy on. And, I think we established the fact that having a dog doesn't fit into the right category. I'm sure it's like having a baby. It's a lot of work, and a lot of extra time. But see, God knew that so he created this thing called "Maternal Instinct" and He makes your "Biological Clock" tick, etc. If there is such a thing as a "Canine Instinct" or "Canine Clock"...I missed it. God didn't give it to me or I've lost it or something.

But, tomorrow is a new day. And then sweet pup will be going home. I'm sure that we'll miss her...although she may not miss us. I'm sure she'll be much happier to get home. But we made it through and we learned some important lessons. And praise God...I'm no longer the only person in my house that doesn't want a dog!