Can we talk?

*Disclaimer...if you do not want a glimpse into the reality and transparency of me...what's really going on inside me...please move on and do not continue reading.

And, I ask that you please do not judge me for being real.*

I remember the day clearly. 2 weeks after the loss...still trying desperately to pull myself together. Something was said to us that just should not have been. And right then and there I subconciously decided that the grieving process was stopping, even though I had not dealt with a thing...I had not accomplished a thing aside from crying for 2 weeks. I carefully chose my bricks and firmly planted them in the fashion of a wall. It's quite lovely, ivy growing on it, pretty flowers. All covered up. Disguised quite nicely. You have to look very carefully to even realize that there is indeed a wall there. But it's holding back the river of healing that so desperately needs to take place...that I want to take place. I want to be free from the weight of this wall, and free from the hurt and the pain that it's hiding. I also know that God wants me to be free from it all...it is not His will for me...

I am going out on a limb here, and might end up regretting it. But, I have realized over the course of the past several weeks that I am not totally healed, mended, whole, whatever from the course of events that we've been dealt over the past 6 years of life. I'm not sure why I thought I was ok, I guess because I've managed to do what I do best...get busy and get things done.

I've set some goals, and accomplished them. I've taken on new projects, and most are nearing completion, if not totally finished. I've implemented some systems and have an entire legal page filled with an on-going to-do list. But, no where on the list is there an entry 'take care of Holly'.

The day I learned we lost the last baby I started clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth, severely. I thought it would let up after some time had passed. Well, 10 months has passed and I'm still crying myself to sleep most nights and I'm still waking up with splinters of plastic in my mouth from grinding my splint so badly. I wake myself up several times in the middle of the night because I'm grinding so badly and I can't stop. My shoulder is swelling off and on and I've been having odd chest muscle pain, all from grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw. It's now to the point that my Dentist is totally worried about the long-term damage and, he's totally frustrated because he can't do anything more to help me stop.

Let me stop right here and admit...I am totally defeated in this area...and I'm mad about it.

See, I am smart enough to know there is a bigger problem here. One that can't be solved by getting my splint adjusted. And I'm mad at myself that I can't get to the root of the problem, spiritually speaking. I know this is an attack, and I know that I should be prepared to fight. However, it appears that I'm not. And that makes me mad. I've been saved, and have been full-steam ahead, on-fire for God for 14 years...I should not be battling with this- I should be able to lick this; but it appears that I'm too tired. I'm too tired from keeping myself so busy so that I won't have to think about it or deal with it at all.

My question is, how can you live life and deal with a huge major life thing...how do you heal from 6 years of repeated hurt, suffering, disappointment, grief and loss? When the only way you've ever known to "deal" with something is to stay busy? To not think? To remain numb? It's just the easiest thing to do...dealing with it takes too much time. I'm OCD, I'm pretty sure that's well documented. So, really and truly, how does one go about managing work, home, dishes, supper, meal-planning, grocery store, not to mention bathing, brushing teeth, etc AND take the time to heal and learn to be ok with something that has totally rocked me to the core? Am I analyzing too much? I'm sort of an all or nothing sort of gal, dealing with bits and pieces at a time so that by the time I'm 52 I have this whole thing worked out just isn't good enough for me. How do I get past the hurt for longer than a few days without it festering back up again? How do I get to the point where I can have a conversation with a friend from High School and explain why it is that we only have one child, without getting angry? When does that come? When does the pain stop?

What I've done up until this point is just went on with life, still praying, reading my Bible, spending time with God...hoping that my emotions will catch up with my mind and my body. But it hasn't totally worked yet. It's too much surface stuff...I need to go deeper somehow. Get to the heart of the matter...but who wants to do that...honestly?

Because apparently the easiest way is not always the best way. Because this stuff that you haven't dealt with begins to seep out of your pores in every area of your life. It limits you. And I don't want to be limited, because I serve a God without limits and boundaries.

I don't want to sound like I'm going off the deep end. I know that my life is in God's hand. And I know that He will continue to sustain me. I'm just hurting still, and I don't know how to stop. I'm tired of just coping, because I know that God has more than that for me. And, I'm just being honest. I am not one to put on a show or put on a front...I'm real. And this is the real me right now...thank you Jesus that you are there to rescue me!

Father God, I know that you already know everything about me. You know how badly I'm hurting...you see it and you want me to give it to you. I know that, I just have to do it. God, there are times when the pain is so overwhelming.......it takes my breath away. God, help me. I don't even know what to pray anymore...or how to pray...but You know God. You know. Thank you for loving me...even when I'm in a funk like this. God, heal my broken heart. Father God, I spoke to a friend the other day and mentioned that maybe it's a good thing that we still have this wait time ahead of us...maybe me and You can get some "stuff" worked out. I love you so much God, and all I want is to serve you with my whole heart. And I know that my whole heart isn't available right now b/c of this hurt over the losses and also the words that were spoken. God, those words hurt worse and have done more damage. Help me try to work past that, to forgive that person. God, this is it, all laid out on the line. Tell me the next step, please show me. I can't live like this any more.

Face for Grace,

Holly