I'm either getting older or wiser

Monday was my birthday. For the first time ever in my now 34 years of life- it didn't matter to me one bit if we did anything, went anywhere, if anyone remembered or if I received any gifts. See, by nature I am a very high-maintenance sort of gal. I am also a romantic. I expect and I have high hopes. Always. Not caring is totally out of character for me.

This year, Jason asked me what I'd like for my birthday. Normally this one question alone would be enough to send me into orbit. (Why, oh why must you ask? Have you not spent every day with me for the past year? Can't you listen to or pick up on subtle little hints?) This year, I simply replied- absolutely nothing. I am so content. I feel as though God has blessed me abundantly and there is nothing on this earth that he could purchase that would make me even one ounce happier! Not just because it seems as though God has answered my prayer with blessing us with a healthy pregnancy- but just because my heart seems so full. I am blessed.

However, he has also been married to me long enough to not exactly listen to me also. Which was fine too. Monday night we went out to eat on a whim to a local Japanese restaurant that we love. It was our first time bringing Bayli with us- she didn't love the fire of the Hibachi grill; but aside from that loved the other entertainment and loved the food! She cleaned her plate! She also told the waitress 100+ times that it was my birthday so they brought out a dessert and sang Happy Birthday to me. We had so much fun! After that we ran to the mall where I returned a shirt and entertained myself while Jason and Bayli bought a couple of gifts for me. They had them giftwrapped in the store and Bayli bugged me to open them right away so I did and everything was wonderful. After that we went to Whole Foods to pick up a piece of Chantilly cake for me (YUMMY! It has a light icing with tons of fresh berries- blueberries, strawberries, etc...delish!). I literally grabbed a fork and ate it on the way home.

Everything was totally unorganized, unplanned and "on a whim"...and it couldn't have been any better! A great night with my favorite people...it doesn't get any better than that!

PS- also totally out of character for me- I didn't bring my camera. I took a few pics on my phone though. If I can figure out how to put them on here from my phone I will post them later. Hope everyone has a blessed and happy Thanksgiving!

Live Coverage from the Battle

I fully intented on waking up this morning and heading up to my Dr's office to let the nurse find the heartbeat for me. Just for reassurance. It has been almost a week since the ultrasound and we have a crazy busy holiday week next week. Not to mention that we will see alot of family next week and I'd like to be able to have confidence that all really is well and growing and thriving inside before facing everyone next week.

See, the way things work for me typically is that I go about my business being pregnant, feeling pregnant and then end up at the Dr for a routine visit and the pregnancy has ended without any signs or warning whatsoever. Usually the heart has stopped 1-2 weeks prior and my body still hasn't clued me in on it at all. It is enough to make you go crazy.

I have a wonderful Dr and the nurse is just as wonderful and they have told me that at any time I can drive to their office and they can find the heartbeat to put my mind at ease. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, it is...until God asks you to trust Him.

Yikes.

I was spending some time in prayer this morning and I was thinking about how reassuring it would be to my heart to hear that little heartbeat again when I felt God speak to me "What do you expect to hear Holly?" I was silent. I should have automatically said that I expect to hear a heartbeat, but the truth is that I live scared that it might be gone. I live constantly battling the thoughts that it might have stopped. What if it stopped last night while I was sleeping? Because that's what my body does. See, medically I have absolutely no reason to hope. Medically speaking, my womb is a joke...and medically speaking it fails me all the time.

But, who's report will I choose to believe? And will I keep my faith and trust in medicine or in the God who breathed this life to begin with? And here I sit with tears stinging my eyes crying out to Him, "God I only wanted to hear the heartbeat again...just for reassurance." But if I have chosen to believe His report, and if I've chosen to keep my faith and trust in the Giver of Life, then why do I need to hear the heartbeat? Because in Jesus' name...the heart is still beating strong! I don't need a Dr. or a nurse or their doppler to reassure me of it. So I have decided to be obedient. I have a sudden change of plans and will not run up to hear the heartbeat after all. God is my source...His hand is upon this life and he will continue to breathe life. And I continue to trust Him and speak and confess life.

The battle between what I know to be true and what I fear might happen wages on. I pray that through spending time with Him daily that we will eventually get the upper hand and that I can learn to fully trust and rest in what I know to be true. I pray that the fear will continue to dissipate.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think on these things.

Psalm 126:5 So those who went off with heavy hearts will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing.

Father God, thank you for speaking to me this morning...even if you didn't let me have my own way. Sometimes I guess we all still need that. God I thank you for the life you've blessed us with. I pray that I can continue to allow you to just be God and handle everything for me. God, for the millionth time I lay my fears at your feet and I choose to think only on good things; only on things that are right and pure and lovely and of good report...God the things that are excellent and praiseworthy! And God, even though carrying this baby brings me happiness-it is not my source of Joy. Father God- YOU are my source of Joy! I love being your servant and I strive to please you God. Father forgive me and help my times of unbelief. Thank you Jesus for blessing us.

New Moran

Apparantly when I'm quiet for a while I've been up to something. And, it also appears that I can't keep a secret and post about anything else at all. Thus the long silence. This post is very hard for me to publish. I have been going around and around in my mind for weeks now about this, but I felt suddenly like there is no time like the present.

It appears there is going to be a New Moran...should be here by early June 2009!

For those of you who are not familiar with our history, Jason and I have had 4 miscarriages in the past 6 1/2 years. Growing our family has not come easily for us. In fact, it has been down right cruel most of the time. We have our beautiful 5 year old little girl, who is the absolute light of our lives. She has brought us much happiness throughout this very trying journey. We have always wanted a house full of kids, and for several years we thought that would be impossible. But, like we've always known...God is in control of this and every situation in our lives. He has allowed us the opportunity to become pregnant many times, but we've lost so many.

Our prayer is that this time is different. I am currently 11 1/2 weeks...this is farther than we've ever made it, except for with Bayli. I have always miscarried between 6-9 weeks. So, in our hearts and minds, we've crossed a major hurdle. Of course, we are not out of the woods, medically speaking, for another 2 weeks. But, we chose a long time ago to put our faith in God...so we have made a choice to believe that this life will make it to term. However, I must admit that my heart and mind constantly battle each other. What I know to be true vs what I fear might happen...it is a constant struggle. I have to constantly remain in prayer and have several scriptures that I've posted around me so that I can refer to them as necessary.

Please join us in praying for this little life. Please surround us in prayer as we go through this pregnancy. Medically, there are some issues that we are addressing in order to try to keep life going...I am on 2 shots of heparin daily in addition to a lot of oral medicine. To say that my body is tired and is going through a lot is an understatement. We've already been advised that if we are able to make it to term, this should be our last pregnancy. Even though that isn't our plan, we'll take it and we will consider ourselves blessed!

You might be asking how this affects the adoption. Well, it doesn't. We are still waiting and will likely be waiting for several more years. We are keeping up with our paperwork in order to keep everything current. So, we will welcome that baby with open arms when the time comes also.

Love you guys...all 2 of you who read and follow our journey. :) Please keep us in your prayers! We are beginning to allow ourselves to get a little excited. Please don't misunderstand that comment. Of course we are excited, but we tend to guard our hearts; but God has been faithful and the longer that things have progressed, the more we are able to relax a little and even begin to plan a little bit about the future.

Oh, one more thing, Bayli still does not know about this. We have decided to tell her on Christmas morning. I found a cute "Big Sister" shirt that we are going to wrap up, along with a few other big sister related items. We are going to give this gift to her that she has waited so very long for! It will be a very special Christmas indeed!

Enjoy the ultrasound pics below.

The pic on the left was at 11 weeks- the arms and legs were just beginning to bud. He looked like a little "Teddy Graham"! The one on the right was last Friday. In 2 short weeks the arms and legs have fully developed as well as hands and feet. If you look closely you can see the little hand up by the mouth! We are so blessed and Praise God for the work He is doing! Praise God for life!