I fully intented on waking up this morning and heading up to my Dr's office to let the nurse find the heartbeat for me. Just for reassurance. It has been almost a week since the ultrasound and we have a crazy busy holiday week next week. Not to mention that we will see alot of family next week and I'd like to be able to have confidence that all really is well and growing and thriving inside before facing everyone next week.
See, the way things work for me typically is that I go about my business being pregnant, feeling pregnant and then end up at the Dr for a routine visit and the pregnancy has ended without any signs or warning whatsoever. Usually the heart has stopped 1-2 weeks prior and my body still hasn't clued me in on it at all. It is enough to make you go crazy.
I have a wonderful Dr and the nurse is just as wonderful and they have told me that at any time I can drive to their office and they can find the heartbeat to put my mind at ease. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, it is...until God asks you to trust Him.
Yikes.
I was spending some time in prayer this morning and I was thinking about how reassuring it would be to my heart to hear that little heartbeat again when I felt God speak to me "What do you expect to hear Holly?" I was silent. I should have automatically said that I expect to hear a heartbeat, but the truth is that I live scared that it might be gone. I live constantly battling the thoughts that it might have stopped. What if it stopped last night while I was sleeping? Because that's what my body does. See, medically I have absolutely no reason to hope. Medically speaking, my womb is a joke...and medically speaking it fails me all the time.
But, who's report will I choose to believe? And will I keep my faith and trust in medicine or in the God who breathed this life to begin with? And here I sit with tears stinging my eyes crying out to Him, "God I only wanted to hear the heartbeat again...just for reassurance." But if I have chosen to believe His report, and if I've chosen to keep my faith and trust in the Giver of Life, then why do I need to hear the heartbeat? Because in Jesus' name...the heart is still beating strong! I don't need a Dr. or a nurse or their doppler to reassure me of it. So I have decided to be obedient. I have a sudden change of plans and will not run up to hear the heartbeat after all. God is my source...His hand is upon this life and he will continue to breathe life. And I continue to trust Him and speak and confess life.
The battle between what I know to be true and what I fear might happen wages on. I pray that through spending time with Him daily that we will eventually get the upper hand and that I can learn to fully trust and rest in what I know to be true. I pray that the fear will continue to dissipate.
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think on these things.
Psalm 126:5 So those who went off with heavy hearts will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing.
Father God, thank you for speaking to me this morning...even if you didn't let me have my own way. Sometimes I guess we all still need that. God I thank you for the life you've blessed us with. I pray that I can continue to allow you to just be God and handle everything for me. God, for the millionth time I lay my fears at your feet and I choose to think only on good things; only on things that are right and pure and lovely and of good report...God the things that are excellent and praiseworthy! And God, even though carrying this baby brings me happiness-it is not my source of Joy. Father God- YOU are my source of Joy! I love being your servant and I strive to please you God. Father forgive me and help my times of unbelief. Thank you Jesus for blessing us.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
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3 comments:
What a wonderful post. I'm not sure if you read my post (the one before announcing the twins, about the man at Walmart) but it is basically the same story as yours. Every night I prayed to the point of begging that God will bring these babies to term. I told him I was sorry that I continually did that, and that I DO have faith....but sometimes we need to know he heard us.....the next day, the man at Walmart approached me! Isn't God great! Darlene
PS...if you haven't read the book, The Shack, I recommend it. It has shown me a brand new way to see how/why God does things the way he does.
In regards to The Shack, please be cautious. The earlier post is correct, this book does attempt to address "how/why God does things the way he does". Many books, songs, and religions have attempted this for hundreds of years. However, The Shack seems to be a very subversive means of communicating a half-truth about the Sovereignty and Holiness of the God of the Bible.
The God that created your womb and your children and your heart is over all and through all and in all. This book is not absent of Biblical things. Ultimately, it is heart-breaking to see the many things that are missed or distorted that, in turn, may end up classifying this book as wrong doctrine.
Will certainly keep you in my prayers, as I understand the anxiety you must feel. Praying that God will give you a peace that truly passes all understanding and that He will keep this baby perfectly safe in your belly and under His watchful care until He or She is delivered. Look forward to following your blog and watching and waiting for the big day!
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