A Few Things I've Learned Along the Way...Part III

continued...

In between sobs, "Jason, I need you to come back to the Doctors office...there's no heartbeat". I was hysterical in the truest sense of the word. I couldn't believe that the little life we had so carefully planned for had slipped away from us. We watched it happen, slowly...almost daily ultrasounds- first 160+, then 120's- now silence where the flickering heartbeat had been only a few days before.

For me, losing our first pregnancy brought so many bigger fears, "what if we never are able to have children?" "what if I have to go through this again (little did I know...)" "what if I can't get pregnant again so easily next time?" "how will I tell everyone this horrible news...they are all so happy" I could have chosen to just believe good things, but instead my heart and mind reeled with the negative truth of the situation.

My heart was broken, as was Jason's...and I really felt like I had let him down.

But, by far, the absolute worse thing of all was that everyone's life just went on. The world kept turning- even though my personal world had come to a sudden halt. I was so angry at the people who called me- literally within hours of us finding out that we had lost the baby and they couldn't understand our sadness. They couldn't understand why we cried. People actually gave us words of wisdom to try again the next month! Quoted, word for word, "You guys better get busy and jump back in the saddle again right away!" Um, ok- are you guys the same breed of people who held signs at abortion rallies before?! Do you not believe that life begins at conception? Because, if you believe that...which I do too...then you are telling me to forget about the little life, the little life that was to grow into our child. The life that was living inside of me! It was a life...and it was my child! I also found it interesting there is no bereavement time at work for women who have miscarried. Even though they have miscarried a human life. But if your hubands great Aunt Sally twice removed were to pass away I could have taken 3 days off with pay. However, I had to take vacation time, and then time without pay to cover the few days that I took off to recover from my D&C .

My other personal favorite is the "well at least you didn't feel it move yet" or "at least you didn't have time to know it and/or love it yet" or "well, at least it happened now" and "this must be part of God's plan". Please people- if this is the best you've got then you should try again. Because, it's no secret that mother's are very protective of their children. And, what I felt at that moment was you attacking my child... as if my child was less than yours because it didn't make it long enough for me to feel it move. And, I did absolutely have time to fall in love with this baby. For real, please, please don't ever say these things to a woman who just lost a baby...just simply tell her that you love her and that you are praying for her...then really pray for her because more than likely she'll need it.

As far as trying again- I was scared out of my mind. The devil ate my lunch. For me personally, I had to take some time to grieve this loss. We had to take some time to find our new normal. We had been suddenly thrown feet first into a new chapter of our lives- one that we weren't prepared to handle. Those of you who have never lost a baby might think that I have over reacted, and maybe I did- but my hurt and pain was very real and I had to figure out how to deal with it.

Jason and I chose to get away for a few days in Florida. Funny thing is, I hate the beach. The sand is, quite frankly, just a little too sandy for me. However, I love nothing more than to get a beachfront room and sit on the balcony for hours reading and listening to the waves and smelling the ocean air. There is nothing like it. We also went to a Christian Book Store in Destin and picked up a devotional book entitled "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" it is a remarkable little book and I have actually purchased many of them for women I know that have lost babies. This little book, done daily with my sweet husband helped us forge our way through the fog and deal with a lot of our hurt and pain.

We were at a scary point in our lives. It was the first real problem that we had encountered in the 7 years since we were married. All of a sudden, the world that we knew was different. We no longer had the bliss of being young and naive.

We had lost our first child...

to be continued