Before I forget...part II

Backing up a tad from my previous ending...I wanted to share my thoughts on when I first caught a glimpse of my little baby. For Bayli I pushed for 3 hours and ended in an emergency c-section. I didn't get to see anything until about 15 minutes after she was born b/c her heart rate had dropped so low and so suddenly that they had to take her away to check on her, clean her, etc. So I had never seen a birth. Ever. Unless you count A Baby Story. Which I totally don't. So this time when I made it to 10 cm and the nurse asked me to do a little practice push to see how things were going and I barely pushed and she literally told me not to breath, cough, and certainly don't push b/c the head was starting to crown with my 1 little practice push, I was totally in awe. She set up the mirror and I have to be honest that I got a little freaked out at the sight of it all. So I closed my eyes during the first 2 pushes. Well, thinking that I had plenty of time to push it didn't dawn on me that I might actually MISS the birth if I didn't hurry and open my eyes. Can you imagine how disappointed I would be if I had missed it! After all this! Luckily when I had pushed the 2nd time Dr. Lafranca asked me to stop so that she could suction. I realized that the head must be out or there would be nothing to suction. So I opened my eyes and was able to see her swollen, scrunchy little face coming out of my body. I don't think there are adequate words to describe that feeling. The feeling of seeing life coming into the world. Life that you have been hibernating. Life that I brought into the world, literally while risking my own life enduring a high risk pregnancy. Life that you have been waiting for years to meet. Realizing all of this during this overwhelming moment, I said what any mother giving birth to their long awaited baby would say..."Oh my Lord! It's a BABY!" Not too eloquent, but it's all that I could think of. It was really a baby...and it was incredible. I will never forget that moment, the look of that little face. When dreaming of that moment the years leading up to it, I thought I would be on pins and needles with anticipation of whether or not it was a boy or a girl, but to be totally honest with you the thought never even entered my mind. Not once. It simply didn't matter. All that mattered was that it was a baby.

After she suctioned they asked me to push again, and suddenly I heard..."It's a Girl!" my Doctor announced. Both of our jaws dropped and I heard Jason say, "A what?!" and she repeated "A girl!" I looked at him and asked if he was ok b/c he had really wanted a boy. With tears in his eyes he looked at me and said, "How could I not be ok...she's beautiful!" Then his dream came true- he got to cut the cord. After that she laid the most beautiful creation on my chest for us to fully investigate. It was the most amazing moment in my life! I can't even begin to describe the overwhelming emotions that flooded both of our hearts. Tears streamed down both of our cheeks. There were deep cleansing tears, tears that washed away the hurts of the past. There were tears of joy. We were so overwhelmed with emotion. The only thing that I could think to share with my little girl at that moment was that we loved her so much and I kept telling her over and over again that we had been waiting so long to meet her. This pregnancy had lasted over 5 years; it was so much more than just a regular 9 month journey. This was years in the making.

I remember the nurse coming over trying to take her away to begin cleaning her and doing the Apgar testing, but my Doctor kept telling her to stand back...to give us more time. I also remember telling Jason that it seemed as though we already had her forever. She immediately felt like the perfect fit for our family. Of course she was a girl. Of course. At that moment with her laying on my chest in those few moments of life it made perfect sense. All was exactly as it was supposed to be. I couldn't wait to introduce her to Bayli- it was a moment that I had dreamed of for years. God is truly in the business of making miracles; and He cares about details. I totally "get" the verse "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." In the words of my doctor, we couldn't have written a book and had it played out any more perfect.

One of the funniest moments of the day is about 10 minutes later when my doctor is busy fixing me up a tad, and suddenly she pops her head up and said "Holly, did we cover everything in your birth plan?" Like as if we could re-do anything at that point! It was so sweet that she was so concerned with making everything go according to plan. She also showed us my placenta in great detail, which was totally a little weird. Jason got totally into it, but I just decided to keep my eyes fixed on the little life I was holding.

When we were ready the nurse went to the waiting room to get Bayli and brought her back. That is another thing that left me speechless. I can't put into words the feeling when I saw her walk into the room. I immediately began bawling all over again. I couldn't wait to embrace her and love on her and show her the little miracle we'd been blessed with. But, she pulled a fast one on us and began crying unconsolably because she had wanted a brother. I was so confused and was trying so hard to understand, but we went from the most incredible experience of our lives to a crying older sister b/c she didn't get her way. Whatever. She got over it, and now she thinks that Lilli is the most amazing thing ever, but it was pretty much a touch and go situation there for a few minutes.

After Bayli calmed down and got to hold her new little sister, the nurse went out and got the rest of the family and friends. When they came into the room Bayli got to announce to them, "I'd like for all of you to meet my new little sister Lillian Rose Moran!" Everyone broke out into cheering and clapping, then crying. It was another amazing moment, one I am so glad my sweet little Bayli got to be a part of.

I'm sorry this post is so long also, but I had to share every detail. It was a most incredible day. One we will never forget.

New Lilli Pics

Today Lilli is 4 weeks old! Already! And I haven't even finished her birth story yet...time to get my act together, huh? Anyway- I thought I'd share a few pictures. I got an awesome new camera for Mother's Day and for giving birth (yes my husband is amazing...he gives great gifts for giving birth!). Anyway- love the camera and I've been having a ball playing around with it. Now we just need to invest in a good software to edit a little more. Right now I'm just using what came on the MacBook. They turned out pretty good to me, I guess when you have such a cute little model you can't go wrong!

Sweet baby girl!! I think I'm in love!

Before I forget...

When I titled my last post before Lilli was born "Before we meet...part I" I totally assumed I'd be able to do a Part II. I guess I forgot exactly what full blown labor pains really felt like. So, forgive the lack of posting on that particular day. But, even though I didn't get to share my thoughts and feelings on that exact day, I still want to document them before I forget.

I guess I will start with technicalities, then go to the sentiments. Just to keep things organized. I can't seem to keep anything else organized at the exact present moment- so I may as well start with this! :)

I had been having problems with my amniotic fluid levels dropping. When I went to the doctor on Monday May 11th, she almost put me in then. She was very concerned about how rapidly my levels were declining. But I was only 36 weeks, and I was also very sick from a sinus infection. She gave me an antibiotic and put me on semi-bed rest for the week. I had an appointment with the specialist on Friday which she made me change to Thursday so that she could have more time to react if they found my fluid levels low again. She suggested that I bring Jason with me on that day and also suggested that we come with bags packed just in case. They gave me a kick count log, and gave me specific instructions on how many kicks I should feel per day and what to do if I didn't feel movement, etc. I had to log the kicks because that is the easiest indicator of whether or not the baby has sufficient fluid to move around in. It really was an overwhelming time- we had already been through so much. I wasn't about to lose this baby at this point in pregnancy because of low fluid levels.

Now, personally I found it hard to lay on the couch and relax knowing that the baby might very well make it here in 4 days and we didn't have the first bag packed, much less even have a car seat installed. But I was pretty sick from the sinus infection, not to mention that fatigue had totally won over. The whole nesting thing went out the window. The closest I got to nesting was giving Jason a huge to-do list and watching him from the side lines. Which, come to think of it, worked rather well for me. Anyway, we managed to get things done, in between much needed naps.

By wednesday I had been on the antibiotic for 3 days and was beginning to feel a lot better. I picked Bayli up from school, we came home and I helped her with her home work. I started fixing supper and all of a sudden I totally thought that my water was leaking. Knowing that I didn't have any extra fluid to spare I called my Dr in a panic. They wanted to see me ASAP. I was so afraid of being the woman who cried labor- but yet I knew that if I was losing more fluid and it went undetected that my baby would be in a very stressful situation. So I rushed myself to the doctor (Brilliant plan, I know...) and when they did the ultrasound it turns out that the fluid had risen by several points. I was very relieved- and the Doctor that I saw was very pleased, but they still wanted me to keep the appointments we had scheduled for the next day just to be safe.

By Thursday I was done for. I had been counting kicks all week, worried about my fluid levels, etc. I was ready for the baby to be here. I was fearful of making it even another week dealing with all of the stress and pressure we were already dealing with.

We went to the scheduled appointment, and as I lay on the ultrasound table the technician measured that my fluid had dropped another 5 points from the day before. I was so frustrated. My fluid was now at the absolute lowest it could be without causing harm to the baby. To make matters worse, they couldn't get the baby to respond. We spent almost 10 terrorizing minutes, moving me from my right side, to my left, back to my right again- she had the buzzer from the ultrasound machine that she kept trying to wake the baby up with. Buzz, buzz, buzz- no response. I would change positions. Repeat. Nothing. The heart was beating, so was still alive- but the no response totally freaked me out. She got so desperate to see movement, she put both hands on my belly and shook it for all it was worth to try to get this little one to move and do the practice breathing they needed to see. I can still see the look on my husbands face. I was trying to stay calm, so I kept looking in his eyes for strength, but all I found was fear and confusion. I have never felt such pain and fear in my heart before- and I hope I never experience it again. Finally, we were able to see a small flicker of movement and a few practice breaths. Relief swept through everyone in the room.

We waited for the report, then hopped on the elevator to see my OB. I felt certain that these would be the last few hours before we'd get to meet our little one. I knew that when she saw the fluid levels and that when she heard of our harrowing tale from the ultrasound room that she would act quickly. And I was right. She checked me and I was 1 1/2 CM and 70% effaced...which for 37 weeks is moving right along. She was a little concerned about inducing bc of my past C Section, so we talked and weighed our options. At this point, as much as my heart desired a nice, normal birth; I was totally ok with whatever needed to happen because I was so afraid something would happen to the baby. After talking for about 15 minutes, my Dr stepped out of the room to gather her thoughts and pray about the decision to be made. (I LOVE that woman!) And she came back in, calm and totally in charge and laid out the game plan. We were to head straight to the hospital and begin the induction.

By this point it was 5:00 in the evening and we were exhausted and starving. We walked over to labor and delivery and began the process of checking in, starting the IV (Never an easy process for me) and beginning the slow drip of Pitocin. Dr. LaFranca was on call that night, which made things even better in case there were to be any complications or if my labor were to take off suddenly she would be there to handle every thing. I had total peace that we were making the right call and doing the right thing. There was, however, one brief moment when I heard Dr. LaFranca on the phone reserving 4 units of blood in my name and also telling the nurse to have an OR on stand-by just in case as well. Not long after she left my in-laws came up with Bayli to visit us. I had her lying in the bed with me and I thought- is it worth risking this, and the possibility of something happening to me or the baby, and poor Bayli could be left without a mother? But then peace swept over me again. There is always risk; I just had to remember who was ultimately in charge. I knew He would protect us. Even if we would have decided to to a section, there still would be risk.

They ran the Pit from 7:00 until 11:00, then I was able to eat and try to rest. I had contractions on my own until about 1:00 in the morning which were mild enough that I could doze off and on during them. At 1:00 I was finally able to get some sleep until 3:00 when they came back in to start the Pit again. From 3:00-7:00 was still the slow drip, mild contractions that I could sleep through but not able to totally rest.

The entire night I kept thinking about how incredible it was that we had finally made it full circle. We were finally going to welcome another baby into our lives. The moment we had been waiting for would be just around the corner. I laid the entire night with both hands on my belly, wishing and praying for the magic of pregnancy not to end, but yet for it to hurry and end so that we could finally be face to face with the little one growing inside of me. There was so much that I wanted to say that night, but every time I would try to speak tears would flow. I was absolutely in awe. I have never in my life felt the hand of God so firmly in my life. There was peace in our room that night and God's love and power could be felt so strongly upon entering the room. He was there.

At 7:00 am there was a shift change. A sweet little strawberry blonde haired girl named Allyson became my nurse. She was adorable and so supportive of my trying to deliver vaginally. She was a Christian and listened to the story of our years of struggles. She was an absolute blessing to have that day. At one point during the morning she even came to me to pray for her sister in law who was pregnant and threatening to miscarry for the 2nd time. While she was in my room she called her sister in law and told her that she had a patient who was about to give birth after having had 4 miscarriages and numerous complications. She just wanted to encourage her with my testimony. I totally did not sign up for this testimony, but I am honored for God to use it at any given time. What an honor to be in labor for this sweet little baby and have your nurse ask you to pray for someone she loves because she knows that I've been there- and I understand. I totally love God and His plans...He really is incredible.

Soon after my Doctor came in and broke my water. That is where the real fun began! They cranked up the Pitocin because the baby was fine and I was tolerating everything fine. At 9:00 I got the epidural and by 10:30 I was 9 CM and almost ready to begin pushing! I had to frantically call my husband who was taking a coffee break, and also call my dear friend Christine who was to be the photographer that day. Within 15 minutes I was complete and ready to push.

The problem was, I couldn't push because we had to wait for Christine to make it to the hospital. I wasn't having this baby without proper photographic documentation! It took her almost 45 minutes to get to the hospital; during which the nurse took her time getting things set up. Christine finally made it at 11:45, Dr. Lafranca made it a few minutes later and by 11:55, only 4 short easy pushes later, they announced the words we had been waiting to hear!

It's a girl!!

more to come...I promise.