"B" is still very much with us today. We don't allow her to drag it along like Lionus on Charlie Brown, but she probably would if we'd let her. She loves that blanket. Recently I was looking back at the scrapbooks that I've done since she was born. And I was amazed to see how many pictures has "B" in them. I wrapped her in it on her trip home from the hospital. I covered her with it on her first trip to the pediatrician. I also have a picture of her covered with it when she was about 6 weeks old and we were going to take her Christmas pictures. It has accompanied her on trips to Pennsylvania, Florida and Tennessee. Not to mention that it has comforted her during many ear infections, stomach viruses, 3 sets of tubes, an adenoidectomy, tonsilectomy and even a 3 day hospital stay this spring.
When I was pregnant last year, we were cautiously optimistic. I would love to say that we were just down right excited without a care or fearful thought in the world. However, that just wasn't the case. The day before Thanksgiving last year we had the first Ultrasound that showed a very strong heartbeat. Whew! We had made it past another hurdle in the pregnancy. The day after Thanksgiving we went Christmas shopping. I allowed myself to get a little excited and I bought a "B" for the baby. We didn't want to know what we were having, so I bought this soft baby green one. I love that baby green...so sweet. I kept that "B" on my nightstand so that it was the last thing I'd see at night and the first thing I'd see every morning. I wanted the sight of it to bring me to a place of excitement. I'll never forget walking into my bedroom after we got home from the hospital after my D&C...seeing that blanket on my nightstand. All that I could do was hold it and cry...thinking of the baby that this "B" would not swaddle. Jason put it away the next day.
The other day we were shopping for our trip to Tennessee and we went into Carter's to get Bayli a few things. We were looking around and suddenly Bayli said, "Mommy, I think we need to buy Grayci a "B"...she's going to need one you know." At first I hesitated because I hate to begin getting my hopes up, knowing that from the information that they're giving us that it'll likely be another year before we get her. But then I thought about it. I thought about the lifetime that we'll have Grayci as our daughter. And in the scheme of things, 1 year isn't really that long...especially if it's God's perfect timing. And I decided to stop guarding my heart so much, that it'll never heal if I don't deal with these things.
So, we bought a "B"...
It's hanging in my closet, and every day I look at it and think of the little life that it will be a part of. The sweet body that it'll cover at night. Maybe she'll feel the seam around the edges like Bayli does, or maybe she'll touch her face with the softness, or maybe she'll want to cuddle with it when she skins her knee, or maybe she won't be a blanket girl after all, but it's ok. Because what that "B" represents is so much more to me than the pretty floral fabric and seam around the edges...the softness of that blanket- it softens my heart a little more. It's a little bit of hope for my continually broken heart.
It's a reminder of what good things are still to come for us...
Face for Grace, Holly
2 comments:
I did the same thing with the softest, floppiest bunny. We tried for 6 years to have another baby after Jake. One day we were shopping in the mall and I saw this bunny in the Discovery store. I remember thinking,"I wish I was pregnant. I would buy this for my baby." I left the store, but before we could leave the mall, I made Jeff take me back to the store. I KNEW I had to buy it. I kept it on my nightstand for 6 years, believing that God would give me the baby that I longed for and that baby would love the bunny. After each failed fertility treatment and negative pregnancy tests, I would lay in bed and see that bunny and my heart would ache and I would feel so stupid for ever buying it.
Just this afternoon, Bella and I were in her room playing with hr baby dolls and she came across THE bunny in a bin of dolls and her eyes lit up! She grabbed that bunny and "loved" it for quite sometime. I could not help but get teary-eyed and thank God that He helped me step out in faith those many years ago and in HIS perfect timing, brought me the daughter that would love the bunny!
I know it seems so far off, but I am here to testify to HIS faithfulness and rest in the fact that HE ALWAYS brings it to pass!
Call me so we can get together before I go back to work. You just HAVE to meet my Bella!
love ya,
amanda
This is my first visit here, Holly, and I've scanned through enough of your posts to know you've been through a very difficult time and are currently going through the frustration of an international adoption.
You express your feelings beautifully. This post is very moving and the moment I read the previous post, I added you to my prayer list. I'm praying for the officials in El Salvador that are holding things up to wake up and get moving -- I'm praying for you to get your new baby, soon.
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