A Day of Mixed Emotions

Today has been a day of mixed emotions. Actually, for several days leading up to today; it seems that I've been all over the emotional spectrum.

I remember when I was pregnant for Bayli stating that "next year, there won't be any of this running around to my Mom's then your Mom's for Mother's Day! Next year I will be a Mom too and it's going to be about me!" Looking back on that statement that I made 4 years ago reminds me of how much I've grown up since becoming a Mother. Because now, I go even more out of my way to make sure that my Mother and Mother in Law get the royal treatment for their special day. I guess because now I realize the magnitute of what great things they have accomplished as mothers. I realize the full extent of their mothering. And you can see the fruit of their many years of labor. I know first hand how hard they worked to get where they are. I know the tears they cried, the hours on their knees in prayer. Their motherhood has come full circle as now they both are grandmothers. I feel unqualified to be in the same league with them. To be honored on the same day as them.

Then there is another part of me who is anticipating the growing of our family. My heart hurts for my friend Amanda, and other people that she knows who are waiting for the green light to go get their babies from Guatemala. They've gotten their referrals, they've held their babies, they just can't bring them home yet. I can't imagine the agony that they must be feeling today...the day that honors mothers. And although we haven't officially even logged in our Dossier yet, I still know that there is a baby in another country that will be ours. I don't have a picture of her yet, and I don't know if she's born yet or not...but she will be mine. And I have a desire to be her mother. To hold her in my arms. Wherever she is...I am her mother and I desire to mother her.

Then there is another part of me who is feeling a little bit of emotion for the babies I've lost. For the fact that I should be 7 months pregnant. Feeling a baby move inside of me...right now as I type this post. I remember being in a very defeated state and sitting on the love seat in my Dr's office crying, asking "What kind of mother am I that I can't keep these babies alive?" The tears sting my eyes as I recall those feelings and those emotions. I yearned to mother those babies.

Then there is the part of me who hurts for my Mom. Just finding out 4 short days ago that her only son will be shipping out to Iraq with his Marine unit on the 24th of this month. He made it through this one time. God will surely have His hand upon him again. But, her torn emotions as she deals with knowing that this is something that he feels that he must do and that he was trained to do...defend our country. He supports our President and he would rather go and serve so that a soldier that is a husband and a father may not have to. But, I see the pain and fear and worry and anger and frustration and everything else that goes along with it. I see and hear the constant lump in my Mothers throat as she fights back the tears.

And I understand. Because when you are a mother, your heart is no longer your own. It is walking around outside of your body. My mothers heart is going to Iraq.

My own heart is in Central America, possibly in an orphanage somewhere...or still in utero; it's in heaven with 3 babies that have gone before me; and it's lying sleeping in the antique bed in the room next to me. And my heart is also overflowing...

Because I am a mother, and I am so thankful for it...and everything that goes along with it.

Father God, thank you so much for again allowing me to sort through my thoughts through my words. Father God, regardless of what we've walked through, we still have so much to be thankful for. God I lift up all mothers to you today. I pray that you strengthen those who wait. And comfort those who hurt. Protect Gracie...and protect her Uncle Scott. Keep your hand upon them both.

A Face for Grace,
Holly