I held a baby

Some of you might not find this to be a big deal, but I held a baby. Which is something that I have not done in almost 3 years since my last nephew was born. Maybe some of you out there who have experienced loss or infertility might be able to relate to what I'm about to share. Some of you might find that I'm crazy. Regardless, it's my feelings. I haven't been so good at sharing my feelings recently, hence the lack of posts, but I guess now is as good a time as any.

I guess it's best described as needing to guard my heart. I can't explain the physical pain that my heart experiences when I'm around someone's baby. There is such a longing...it's overwhelming. I can think of no other way to guard my heart than to just not hold them.

It's a little sweet smelling 8 lb reminder of what I've lost, wrapped up in a soft little blanket washed in Dreft. And it's agonizing to me.

Jason's brother and his wife had their first baby last week. It was an emergency, she was born a couple of weeks pre-mature with both Mom and baby ending up in ICU. They are both fine now and are both home, praise God! We went to visit them Saturday night in the hospital. And it seemed like the right thing to do, and I wanted to hold her, but I was afraid that I couldn't trust my own emotions. Jason held her first, and he was a natural. He swaddled her for them, and then picked her up and loved on her. It hurt me to watch him. I can't give him what he wants...another child. Then Bayli wanted to hold her, so I had to help. Bayli climbed into my lap and we both held the baby tightly. We took off her little hat to see the sweet, soft little baby hair. She smelled so precious. She made tiny little noises. We investigated her tiny little hands and marveled at her itty bitty fingernails.

It was a precious moment that Bayli and I shared, but it should have been with me showing her our baby. The three of us marveling at her new little sister or brother and investigating all of their sweet little features.

I held it together until we were driving away and I noticed that Bayli was quiet. That doesn't happen too often. I asked her what was wrong and she said with tears in her eyes and chin quivering, "Mommy, I wanted us to be the ones with the new little baby."

Me too....sweet girl...me too

Face for Grace,
Holly