Wednesday, December 17, 2008

A Few Things I've Learned Along the Way...Part II

What else could we possibly ask for? (continued from previous post)

1 1/2 short weeks into my pregnancy I began experiencing a lot of cramping on my right side. Afraid that I might be experiencing an ectopic pregnancy my Dr ordered an ultrasound. I was 6 weeks along and she advised me not to be discouraged if we didn't have a heartbeat yet, considering I was still so early. We went for the ultrasound to find that it was not an ectopic pregnancy- but rather a seemingly healthy pregnancy with a growing fetus that had a heartbeat of 164 beats per minute! We were thrilled...everything seemed to be falling into place just as we had planned for so many years! What a miracle to see that little life so early with the heart beating away- a miracle life created by God using me and my spouse whom I loved so much. It was the product of the two of us...what a blessing!

Our Doctor was very surprised to find such a strong heartbeat so early on- but was still mystified about the cramping. Since it didn't subside she admitted me over night for observation and an IV. Well, after my 3rd bag of IV fluids the cramping stopped. Apparently I wasn't aware of how much a little life can take right out of you. I had been dehydrating- just not taking in enough fluids to cover what the baby was taking from me. I felt like a new person the next day!

4 days later, on a Sunday afternoon, I began spotting. I was very freaked out but really had no immediate reason to be alarmed-after all we had been so careful in timing and planning this pregnancy to the very last detail. Certainly it was God's will for us to have his baby...

I went to bed that afternoon and stayed in bed until the next day when I called my Dr. She requested to see me right away and scheduled another ultrasound. We went to see her and upon examining me she really felt like everything was still ok. We saw a still strong heartbeat on the ultrasound screen- it had dropped slightly but was still in a healthy range. She advised me to continue with our regular routine and to stop worrying about the spotting. If a miscarriage were to happen there is nothing medically that can be done to stop it. It was a hard road to walk, but we took her advice. We went to work, cleaned house, grocery shopped, kept up with our regular routine...all the while I kept spotting.

Another 3 or 4 days passed and I called to request another ultrasound. The heart beat had dropped to 120. My Dr. insisted that this was still a healthy range- let's just try not to worry. I had a regualar visit scheduled for the following week- I would be 7 1/2 weeks at that point. I held on to hope that everything would be fine. After all, that's what the medical professional recommended and I trusted her. I continued to spot the entire weekend, sometimes lightly and sometimes pretty heavy. I began to dread trips to the bathroom as I knew I would be reduced to tears as I surveyed the situation. I kept my faith high- as high as possible given the situation. All that we could do was pray and hope for the best.

We went for our scheduled appointment and my Dr. insisted that all was still well. She prescribed a prenatal vitamin (isn't that funny that we hadn't done that yet?) and just to set my mind at ease I went for another ultrasound. Jason asked her if it was safe for him to return to work b/c he had missed so much work already the past couple of weeks. She assured him that everything was fine, this was just to reassure me...after all- some people spot their entire pregnancy.

I layed on the table in disbelief. The technician couldn't tell me the results- but she didn't have to. I could see with my own 2 eyes that the little flicker was gone. The flicker that had been life had been replaced with a still, blank screen.

Our little life was gone. The baby that we had hoped for, wished for, dreamed for...prayed for. It was gone. Too early. As the technician escorted me back up to my physician's office, she allowed me to use her cell phone to call my husband. My sweet unsuspecting husband who had gone back to work assuming everything was fine. I had to call him to tell him that I was so sorry; and that I felt horribly responsible even that I knew it wasn't my fault...but who else's fault could it be? My heart was broken. God had trusted me with this life, and my womb failed us...

...to be continued...

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