So, as I'm sure you are aware of, from reading my past several posts...I'm a little down. I'm trying with all of my might to not be. But, it's been really, really hard for us. It's a tad overwhelming to go through all that we've been going through, on top of being in ministry (that can be very draining if you aren't filling up constantly), on top of working outside of the home- in conjunction with the ministry and adoption and the Holidays...add it all together and combine a little dose of fear with my brother being in Iraq. When you sum it all up- life is just a little hard to live right now. I am very transparent and have no reason to hide things from anyone. The truth of the matter is, if I'm not careful I could stay in my pj's every day and hide out....I didn't realize how susceptible I am to depression- I've never really been at this place before.
Today I've been working on cleaning out my office at home. It's totally another post for another day- to say the least. One of my goals for the new year is to simplify things. I'm very organized by nature- but simple I'm not. I've got to purge some things. From my heart, from my mind and from under our roof. It's amazing how you can accumulate things and not notice it when you are organized and can find a place for everything to where it fits nice, neat and tidy. But, I've decided to simplify- lighten the load. This will not be a natural thing for me...I'll have to work hard at it this year- but I feel that it'll be worth it in the long run.
So, back to the story at hand. I've been cleaning out my office and I came across some stuff in a pile of scrapbooking paraphernalia. As I was digging through the pile and pitching stuff with a vengeance, I came across a little footprint and hand print of Bayli's from when she was about 4 months old. I took a picture of her every month on her "birthday" and stamped her footprint so that I could compare how it grew. I tried every month to stamp her hand print also- but you know how babies clench their little fists- I always ended up with a smudged little mess of ink, but this month I had gotten it perfectly. It went so well I made 2 that month. Which explains why one is in her album and one was in this stack. But seeing that little bitty 2-3 inch big footprint and little bitty handprint took my breath away. The next thing in the stack was a picture of her at that age...in all of her sweet baby goodness.
My heart breaks.
Then as I'm silently screaming at God in my mind- "God! Are you listening!! Why oh why is all of this happening this way?! Have we heard from you? Are we supposed to be on this path? Are we on the right path? I don't like this path! It seems so lonely and so forelorn! Hello!!! ... Are you listening?? You promised me that we would have children...that the fruit of my womb would be blessed!"
Then the next thing in the stack, oddly enough and very out of place, is a Christmas card that my Dad sent to us years ago. And the verse on it reads: "Every promise from God shall surely come true" Luke 1:37
Ok, God- so you are listening. I'm listening too. And I love you with all of my heart. I'd rather be on no other path than this seemingly unending one...because I know that you are right there with me, always. And that you always make good on your promises...always!
Face for Grace,
Holly
Monday, December 31, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Wow! Another post!
Yes, we're alive and well. Sorry for the delay in posting. It's hard to explain, but it seems like posting is such a lot of work for me recently. I think of things that I need to BLOG, but when it comes down to it, I just don't feel like it.
And, the truth is, this Christmas has been very hard for us. I really thought things would be easier this year, but the fact of the matter is- it's another year without another baby. We had a wonderful time with Bayli, but there is something missing in our hearts and in our home. Not to mention that we should have a 5 month old right now. I also remember sitting at my Mother in Laws table last Christmas, we had only told a few people that we'd mailed off our adoption application because I was afraid they would think we were acting on impulse from the last miscarriage. But,at that time, the wait time was only 11 months from Dossier submission. I remember thinking that if I could only make it until this Christmas, we'd be right around the corner from getting a baby. There was this mental little timeline thing...and this Christmas was a major milestone. Well, now we'll be lucky to get her by next Christmas. I realize that's only another year. But, not having that hope this year made things sting a little bit more.
So as to not leave things on a sad note. I will say that one of the highlights of our holiday was running into my friend Amanda at the mall this past weekend. She had Bella with her. And, she is just a doll! My heart was about to explode just looking at her! I couldn't wait to hold her! Which, from reading this post, you'll see that has been an issue with me. The next morning, Jason asked me why I was able to hold Bella so willingly, but can't hold my own niece. The only way that I could describe it was that she didn't remind me at all of what I've lost...only she gave me such hope for what is to come! It really did my heart good to see them both.
God, my heart hurts, a lot. I pray for all the orphans in the world, but especially for the orphan that is to become our child. God, bless her and keep her safe. I pray that you move the mountain that is standing between us! Jason gets mad because he thinks I'm not fighting enough, but I don't know how to fight this one. It's all up to you God...I pray for favor in this situation and in our finances- especially regarding the adoption. I pray for good things to come!
Face for Grace,
Holly
And, the truth is, this Christmas has been very hard for us. I really thought things would be easier this year, but the fact of the matter is- it's another year without another baby. We had a wonderful time with Bayli, but there is something missing in our hearts and in our home. Not to mention that we should have a 5 month old right now. I also remember sitting at my Mother in Laws table last Christmas, we had only told a few people that we'd mailed off our adoption application because I was afraid they would think we were acting on impulse from the last miscarriage. But,at that time, the wait time was only 11 months from Dossier submission. I remember thinking that if I could only make it until this Christmas, we'd be right around the corner from getting a baby. There was this mental little timeline thing...and this Christmas was a major milestone. Well, now we'll be lucky to get her by next Christmas. I realize that's only another year. But, not having that hope this year made things sting a little bit more.
So as to not leave things on a sad note. I will say that one of the highlights of our holiday was running into my friend Amanda at the mall this past weekend. She had Bella with her. And, she is just a doll! My heart was about to explode just looking at her! I couldn't wait to hold her! Which, from reading this post, you'll see that has been an issue with me. The next morning, Jason asked me why I was able to hold Bella so willingly, but can't hold my own niece. The only way that I could describe it was that she didn't remind me at all of what I've lost...only she gave me such hope for what is to come! It really did my heart good to see them both.
God, my heart hurts, a lot. I pray for all the orphans in the world, but especially for the orphan that is to become our child. God, bless her and keep her safe. I pray that you move the mountain that is standing between us! Jason gets mad because he thinks I'm not fighting enough, but I don't know how to fight this one. It's all up to you God...I pray for favor in this situation and in our finances- especially regarding the adoption. I pray for good things to come!
Face for Grace,
Holly
Monday, December 10, 2007
'Fore'heads are better than one
I know you must be thinking that my title is incorrect. The old saying is actually 3 heads are better than one. However, in the mind of an adorably witty 4 year old...things are a little different.
The other day I was stealing some kisses from miss Bayli. Every now and then she gives me a hard time and pretends that she doesnt love to be showered with kisses...even though we know better than that. Anyway, she was giggling and laughing and trying to play hard to get. All of sudden she pointed to her forehead and asked me to "Kiss me right here Mommy." So I obliged. Then she asked me "What is this thing called again?" (still pointing to her forehead) I answered that it was called her forehead. Her face lit up with excitement and she got a huge smile on her face and quickly responded excitedly, "Next year it'll be my fivehead?!" And then she took off running into the living room, leaving me cracking up laughing, to kiss her Daddy on the forehead and loudly proclaim, "I kiss you on your thirty-threehead Daddy!"
Is that cute or what?
Face for Grace,
Holly
The other day I was stealing some kisses from miss Bayli. Every now and then she gives me a hard time and pretends that she doesnt love to be showered with kisses...even though we know better than that. Anyway, she was giggling and laughing and trying to play hard to get. All of sudden she pointed to her forehead and asked me to "Kiss me right here Mommy." So I obliged. Then she asked me "What is this thing called again?" (still pointing to her forehead) I answered that it was called her forehead. Her face lit up with excitement and she got a huge smile on her face and quickly responded excitedly, "Next year it'll be my fivehead?!" And then she took off running into the living room, leaving me cracking up laughing, to kiss her Daddy on the forehead and loudly proclaim, "I kiss you on your thirty-threehead Daddy!"
Is that cute or what?
Face for Grace,
Holly
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