Labor and Delivery

Ok, so I've begun the "next step"; the paper pregnancy as it's called. I've experienced childbirth with Bayli...so far this paper pregnancy business is about as bad as when you are waiting for your epidural to come. You feel the need to pull your hair out and possibly even grab your husband by the shirt and, pulling him closely to you, scream at the top of your lungs "YOU DID THIS TO ME!" With that said, I am reminded of my previous post, where I matter-of-factly stated that I was going to do this with excitement and anticipation. So I stop, take a few cleansing breaths, pull myself together and move on...with joy. (Occasionally it's clenched teeth joy- but joy nontheless.)

As stated before, I am an efficient person...and I'm learning how I can't stand to deal with people who merely do their job. No one else in the working world is excited enough that we are adopting this child to hurry and do anything at all for me quickly. But, I have no doubt that part of the reason for this process is for my patience level to be stretched and increased. Let's just say I was stretched today.

I will continue this process with much joy- until it is complete.

Imagine that final moment when we see her little face for the first time...it will be so worth it. What a sweet victory it will be.

A Face for Grace,
Holly

Good thing I asked...

Today we received an email from the adoption agency detailing our "next step" in the process. Let's just say it's a good thing, a very good thing that I asked for a verse to stand on during this process. My thought process had been that when the going gets tough; the rubber meets the road, etc, etc, I wanted a Word from God to stand on and to remind myself that He is the author of this life of mine. And this adoption is a chapter that He definitely wants written.

You know, you can talk yourself out of a lot of things by saying "that's not God..." even when you clearly hear His voice. The whole burning bush thing, face for grace, etc...on a bad day I could count off as coincidence when I got down or discouraged. But you can Never discard a word from God especially when it's straight from the Bible.

Thank you Jesus for your Word.

Psalms 68: 5-6 Father of Orphans...God places the lonely in families...and gives them joy.

I will not even begin to argue. I will comply with His command. And with great joy, excitement and anticipation I will begin the 2-4 month journey to fill out and acquire the mounds (literally) of paperwork that will tell our story to the government of El Salvador. And I will do it with a joyful heart...because God was gracious enough to give me a tidbit of knowledge straight from His word to my heart. (Now, for those of you who know me best...you can attest to the fact of the leaps and bounds that I've come. The old Holly would have opened the email and reached for a paper bag to breath into!)


Grateful for the Opportunity to be a Face for Grace!
Holly

Right Here

It is very liberating to be ok with "Here". Right here; the exact place that God has you right now in your life..."here". I am totally analytical, queen of OCD, if you wish. I can never, ever remember being ok with "here" in my entire life. I have always been one to look down the road. Plan ahead- would hate to be blindsided by a surprise or be derailed by failing to plan for something.

In the 10th grade some friends and I were making plans for the weekend and on a whim I said, "Let's do something spontaneous!!" After they quit laughing, they explained to me that wouldn't exactly count as spontaneity. Personally, I thought I was totally throwing caution to the wind and, actually had been rather proud of myself.

My Mom tells me stories of being as little as 3 years old and asking her at bedtime 'what the plans were if the sun didn't come up tomorrow?' (True story) I have always been a planner, I can't wait for the next thing- because certainly it must be bigger and better. Basically, I must conquer everything I set out to do...and I absolutely MUST do it with the utmost organization (an idiot could live my life for me because it's all mapped out) and must do it with breakneck speed and efficiency (I can't stand to waste anyone's time-especially mine!). Before I am finished with a task (and I always finish- I absolutely MUST...can't sleep 'til I do) I am always planning ahead to the next task, event- whatever. AND when I plan a big activity, like Camp or Harvest Fest (for Church) I always, always sit down while everything is fresh on my mind and write down what worked, what didn't work and what we need to change about next time. When everyone else around me is comatose from the trip, event, etc. I'm sitting there with my notebook debriefing...can't stand the idea of not improving, making things better next time or (God Forbid) making the same mistake TWICE! It hurts just thinking about it.

I don't share this with many people, but the first thing I do every morning is make a To-Do list. Not that odd, many people do this, right? BUT- do most people have as #1 on their list "#1, Make a List"? I always put 'make a list' as #1 so that I can scratch something off my list right away. Told you- I'm the Queen Mother of OCD.

But, this weekend I finally realized that this process of adopting is a slow one. And it's ok. There are times when I get frustrated- but it's ok. For the first time in forever (literally- as I've already proven...) I am so totally ok with HERE! Right here in my life. This is exactly the path that God paved for Jason and I before we were married, before we dated and before we were born. We are HERE, where He wants us...and there is absolutely no other place on this earth that I'd rather be! (Except for El Salvador getting Gracie...but that's ok- because it will happen when He's ready.) I have been through ALOT to get "here", but I like it.

Here is good...it's truly an amazing place.

A breakthrough

I've been pretty bound up by the financial aspect of the adoption. I mean, prior to adopting I must have thought that children were "free for a good home" or something. When we started checking into it and I realized the extreme amount of money that we'd have to come up with I sort of began to panic. I know that God can supply the money, but He really doesn't HAVE to if He doesn't want to. What if He wants us to teach us something during this process or something? (It is, of course, my hope and prayer that we've learned about enough during the course of the last 6 years that He would possibly just leave this alone and provide us with one heck of a blessing.)

There are times that it's been all-consuming for me. The only thing I can figure out is that it was the enemy's last chance to make us change our minds. God had totally sold us on the adoption, what with the burning bush and all; so there was no chance there. But if we got too freaked out with the money- maybe the devil could be on to something with that aspect. Jason always took the approach of, if God told us to adopt, God will provide the money. Sounded good- but a little too easy to me. I am the first one to know and realize that God is still in the business of working miracles and I know that He certainly can provide. But I'm the one that has to manage our money and I know what we lack in the finance department a lot of times. There just isn't a whole lot of extra- at least not THAT much extra.

But it boiled down to this, I wanted another baby- no matter what the cost. So I would just push the fears down- but eventually they'd surface again. And it was becoming harder to deal with each time.

I had decided to begin fasting and praying again. After all, that's when the first "burning bush" experience occured...so why not give it a try again. God, I need a breakthrough and freedom from the financial scare of adoption. No sooner had I started planning to fast did God speak the following to me:

If (God forbid) we found out tomorrow that Bayli needed some rare treatment that cost $20,000 that insurance didn’t cover- but it was necessary to save her life, money would not be an issue. We would do whatever it took and spend any amount to save her life...God would provide the money. Gracie is not flesh of my flesh- but she is still my child (even though she isn’t born yet) and money is not an issue…we’ll spend whatever it takes to save her life and keep her out of an orphanage! And just like God would provide for us to have the money to take care of Bayli; He will provide for us to have the money that it takes to get Gracie! His means of providing may be different than the obvious- but that’s ok too- because it’s all part of this amazing plan and journey that He has us on right now; we are His children and we are in His hands. Money is no longer an issue- it will come when we need it.

As soon as this realization hit me, I literally fell to my knees and began to cry- because at that moment I realized that God would supply every thing that we needed and then some. After I pulled myself together is when I looked up the definition of the name Grace. Which is:

The girl's name Grace \g-ra-ce\ is pronounced grayce. It is of Latin origin, and its meaning is "favor; blessing". A virtue name referring to God's grace.

Hello...her name means Favor and Blessing! Every time we even speak her name- we are speaking into existence the Favor and Blessings of God! I proudly stand before you a free woman! God will pour favor and blessings (His Grace) over Our Grace and over our adoption!

Forever a Face for Grace!

Meaning of Grace

I've been wondering the exact meaning of the name Grace, so I looked it up today on the internet. I knew that it had to be good, because honestly...Grace could be a meaning in and of itself. But, the meaning almost brought me to my knees.

The girl's name Grace \g-ra-ce\ is pronounced grayce. It is of Latin origin, and its meaning is "favor; blessing". A virtue name referring to God's grace.

When God first started speaking to us about the adoption, I mentioned to Jason one day that I felt like we would adopt this child and she should be a girl, and we'd name her Grace- like he spoke 3 1/2 years prior- because it would be through God's Grace that all of this would come about.

Not to mention the fact that we've been praying for God's blessing and favor in all areas, especially in the area of finances- as they just don't give babies away for free you know. Her name means Favor and Blessing...how will God be able to look the other way and not provide?? He will so provide everything that we need and more for this adoption.

God, thank you for the priveledge and opportunity to be a "Face for Grace"!

Face for Grace part II

Sitting in church one Sunday during the fast, our pastor began his message "A Face for Grace". Our hearts began to race. During the message, he must have said a face for Grace, Grace needs a face...who will be a face for Grace about 15 times. Now, keep in mind, had we said 3 years ago that we'd have another daughter and her name would be Susie Q...his message would not have spoken to us quite as much. But, since we had already named her Grace so many years prior we had no doubts that this was God speaking directly to us through a burning bush! This was not the only confirmation that we received, but it was certainly the biggest.

The next night or so I asked God for a scripture to stand on. Something personal from His word that I could hold on to. About a year ago, God spoke a vision for our church through our pastor and he had HUGE banners made for the front of the church with the scripture in Psalm 68:6 God places the lonely in families; He sets the prisoners free and gives them joy. As I sat there and looked at those banners, God spoke to me that there is probably nothing lonelier than being an orphan. That was to be my scripture! Because he was going to take Grace out of her lonely orphanage and place her into our family. (Later research showed me that Psalm 68:5-6 in another version indicates that God was actually refering to orphans in these verses...what a confirmaton!) Another burning bush!

Now, it was clear that we were to adopt...but where, how, which country (domestic adoption was never an option.) God, again in His perfect timing closed the appropriate doors and flung other ones wide open. We both felt peace about adopting a girl from El Salvador. And, her name would be Grace. Grace needs a face, WE will be the face for grace! We will heed God's call and He will make a way where there seemed there would be none. He will provide the finances and He will continue to make our path straight. God has not carried us this far to abandon us now.

Who will be the face for Grace?

Face for Grace

A little over 3 years ago, when my daughter Bayli was only 3 weeks old, my husband and I sat in church one Sunday and our pastor mentioned many times in his message about God's grace. Jason leaned over and whispered in my ear, "our next daughter will be named Grace." I agreed with a little nod in agreement...it sounded fine to me. Little did we know how much that statement would impact us 3 years down the road when, after 3 miscarriages, a year of unexplained infertility and 6 months of "medical supervision" due to complications with the last pregnancy/miscarriage would have us down on our knees and crying out to God, "Why?"! "Why would you give us prophesy and vision just to let us down and abandon us and leave us with empty hearts and empty womb? Isn't it so humbling how sometimes God has to bring us to our knees before we'll do it His way? Too bad we don't just start out on our knees...I bet we'd save ourselves some heartache.

God had been speaking to us about adoption prior to the last pregnancy/miscarriage. My heart was so torn...I was open to adoption but, to be totally honest, wasn't totally thrilled about the idea. I wanted to be pregnant again! I wanted to feel the baby move inside of me, I wanted the experience. But, God began to soften my heart even more. My sister-in-law, Cynthia, asked me repeatedly, "Do you want a pregnancy...or do you want a child." To a mother, that is hard to answer. I wanted both. Most people can have both. Why couldn't I?

In January our Pastor called a church-wide fast for 10 days. Jason and I agreed that our fast would be to seek God for direction with whether to adopt now or later and try for another pregnancy first. My heart was really leaning towards adopting later- I wanted a pregnancy. We began to fast and pray and I prayed with an urgency. I devoured my Bible and spoke to God constantly. My husband later revealed to me that he sort of gave God an ultimatum..."Ok God, you have 10 days. You better work quick." I was a little more respectful than that. All that I asked for was a burning bush. Literally. I wanted God to speak to me through a burning bush...after all, He' no respector of persons. Is this an Old Testament thing only? Isn't God the same yesterday, today and forever? Burning Bush I tell you.

The man listened...well, sort of.