My life as an automobile

Recently I've been thinking about the question we've all heard throughout our lives, "if you were a car, which would you be and why?" As a teen-ager, no doubt, I wanted to be a Honda CRX, or Nissan Pulsar. Red, preferrably...must have tinted windows, sun roof and a rear spoiler; and absolutely MUST GO 100 MPH!! I guess had I known better, I could have chosen the more expensive sports' car such as a Corvette or Fararri- I don't even remember knowing those cars existed, much less that they cost the same price as a house. I just wanted to go fast- and wanted everyone to look at me when I pulled up at the stop light beside them. And for the most part, my metaphorically speaking self was indeed a red sports car. I was in the fast lane, always at the happenin' party and/or hang out, and people always knew I was around...I made sure of it. (Interpreted...I was loud/abnoxious/life of the party type.)

Then, a little bit of changing took place when I was 20 and got married. I realized, first of all, that I needed a little bit bigger trunk space. And, for the first time I had to think of someone else. I had to be a little bit more careful when driving because my spouse was concerned for my safety. I needed to slow down and make it home alive for him. I guess my "life as an automobile" would have been a Honda Accord- still sporty, but with a little more leg room. Still a bright color for everyone to know I was around, and still must go about 85-100 MPH. I'm real good at burning the candle at both ends...speed is of the utmost importance.

Then, I had a child. Definite need for more leg room, trunk space and, let's just face it...needed bigger everything. Didn't so much care about the bright color anymore; trust me, people know when we arrive from lots of loud toddler talk. She now lights up the room, no need for anything showy any more. I'm good just being in the background, allowing her to shine. But, I still have the need for speed. Maybe a little slower, but not much at 85 MPH. It just better have a good stereo for playing Hillsong Kids CD's and a nice place for a big car seat, because she needs to be comfortable in our sensible car, going full speed ahead at all times.

Somewhere during the "trade-in" years of the CRX to the Accord, I asked Jesus to be the Lord of my life; the driver of said automobiles, so to speak. Some times, I actually let Him drive. Other times, I forced Him off the road so I could take control of the wheel. Maybe because I felt like we needed to take a different route, but always because He was just driving too dadgum slow for my need for speed self. Invariably, we'd go down the road of my choice for quite some time, with constant chit-chat between us, my always asking His opinion...but ultimately making my own choices much of the time. Then there were the times that I'd take His road having good conversation and a good time along the way- but I still chose my own speed. I am ashamed to say, there are even times that we crashed- one particular time that I can remember where I think I caused a pile-up. This was during the time of my last pregnancy. I never prayed harder during that time. I just knew that I'd lose it if somthing happened to that baby. But, God still wasn't in total control...He may have been driving, but I was directing the course and I certainly had the cruise control set- we were moving along on the highway of life- me fighting God for control the whole way. Isn't it sad that I thought He was the one in total control when all along it was just a show?

Now, during this adoption process, God is the only driver; He has to be. I must admit that I try to "backseat drive" every now and then; but I can feel Him cut me some eyes in the review mirror...so I keep my comments to myself. We're having a good time right now, but I must pick up my cross daily and remember that it's all in God's timing. I am trying hard to restrin myself and keep from stomping my foot through the floorboard of my sensible vehicle; because let's just face it...He's so totally content with going 25 in a 65 MPH zone. We are moving so very slow...absolutely nothing is blurring past us. We are out for the Sunday drive of our lives! To be quite honest with you, there are times that it absolutely kills me. But then, I'm reminded about the fact that God has a much better driving record than I could ever dream of. One day, we will make it to our destination...maybe even one day soon. In the meanwhile, I'm going to sit back and relax in the backseat of my "car o' life" and enjoy the scenery. There are plenty of places along the way of this particular journey that I've never seen before...I wouldn't want to be cruising along so fast that I miss them.

A Face for Grace!
Holly

How far I've come

For some reason, the loss of the last baby has been on my heart a lot this past week or so. It is no secret that I didn't handle myself well when I found out that the tiny heart had stopped beating. I went back and read an email that I sent out to some friends, and I remember how desperately I wanted an answer for why this had happened again. I wanted someone to tell me that it was ok, and that I was justified for being so very angry. Looking back, I feel like an outsider looking in at this situation, and my heart grieves for this mother. I want to reach out and help her. I can feel her anguish.

Jason and I learned that we have officially miscarried our 3rd baby. After having been given the green light over 2 weeks ago that all looks good, I was informed yesterday at a routine ultrasound that the baby’s heart stopped about a week and a half ago. Every person that we’ve made contact with has sincerely asked, “How are you doing?” Quite frankly, I have never felt so alone but yet so surrounded by love in my entire life. I am in such a fog I am trying to find where and how to place my next footstep. It is no surprise to anyone when I mention that I’m a control freak- my life is spinning so quickly out of control I don’t know how to “get back on the ride” so to speak. For those of you who have never lost a baby, words cannot express the horrible grief that a mother feels knowing that God has trusted you with this precious life- yet your body totally failed you again…for the 3rd time. We want to grow our family- the old fashioned way, but this apparently is not God’s will for us. So, now I’m trying to come to terms with that. As I awoke this morning, I didn’t want to get out of bed because then I’d be forced to face the day, and I don’t know how to begin this day...

I do pray that the poem that we’ve all read so many times Footprints in the Sand, is true- because to be totally honest with you…the ground in which I’m supposed to walk feels so shaky- so Jesus is just going to have to carry me for a while.

The tears sting my eyes and cheeks as I read the words that I wrote just 3 short months ago. We didn't deserve this, no one does. Was I wrong for feeling? For reaching out to people instead of God for help? Did I sound desparate? Yes, because I was.

I clearly remember thinking, "if I don't put my foot on the floor to get out of the bed, then the day really doesn't have to start." I turned over and asked Jason, "How do we start this day? The day after losing our 3rd child? How do we do it?" It was, by far, the hardest day of my life.

So, what went wrong? Of course they can’t tell until they get back all of the results- but now they are looking at genetic issues. Interpreted, this means that for some reason they are thinking that possibly there are genetic reasons why Jason and I shouldn’t reproduce. That having Bayli is a fluke somehow. So, trying to swallow that pill is not the easiest either. How can you be married to the one single person on this earth that God hand-picked for you and not be able to have children with that person b/c genetically we’re not a “match”! I’m very angry about the thought of this. I refuse to believe that, genetically speaking, Jason and I working together to create life causes chromosomal problems that ends a life that God began.

How can you be married to the one single person on this earth that God hand-picked for you and not be able to have children with that person? This was, and still is, the hardest question for me to face. It makes no sense to me at all.

Why does God allow such suffering of His chosen ones? That I cannot answer. Yes, one day I'll be able to minister to other women. Yes, one day the pain won't be as sharp or sting quite so badly. And, one day, when I get to Heaven I'll even be re-united with these sweet lives that I've lost.

One thing that I know for sure is that if we wouldn't have lost these babies, we certainly would not be on the road to adoption right now. Will Gracie fill the "holes" or the emptiness in my heart? I don't think that the pain will ever be gone, but I'm sure that she will fill my heart and my home with much love. I know that God doesn't cause suffering...but He certainly uses it to furter His kingdom and further His plan.

I also know that I placed too much of my trust in a positive pregnancy test. I thought that would bring me happiness. That positive on that stick would be the answer to the hurting and emptyness in my heart...wouldn't it? So then when we lost that life, the temporary happiness went with it. How can that be? How can it be true that someone who has been saved since 3rd grade and totally commited to her relationship with Christ for 14 years had her joy, peace and happiness wrapped up in a tiny little package? A tiny little heart beat? A positive pregnancy test? God wanted to bring me back to the place where I was content and happy with Him. He wanted to be the source of my joy and my happiness. Yes, the life was important. But God's plan is more important. Why is it God's plan for us to adopt? Why won't He just give us a baby like everyone else...the old fashioned way? I suspect that one day I will have these answers. But until that point, I will keep my eyes and my heart and my trust and my joy wrapped up in someone who will never leave me or forsake me. My joy will be in Jesus.

God, thank you for teaching me so much through this journey that we're on. Forgive me when every now and then my OCD self gets bored with you in control and tries to take over. God, you are my total and complete source of happiness. My happiness will not come when I hold Gracie for the first time...because I am already happy in you. Holding her will just be the icing on the cake. No matter how long the process takes...you are my source of total and complete happiness! Thank you God that you have given me a soft heart, a mother's heart that grieved the loss of her child. I will no longer be ashamed or embarrased of the way that I reacted, or over-reacted, over the loss of my child. It was a loss, and I deserved the opportunity to grieve. I thank you for what you taught me and what I allowed mysef to learn during this painful time in our lives. Thank you God for still loving me, even though I tried my hardest to blame you during the process.

Honored to be a Face for Grace,
Holly

Have I mentioned that I'm getting out of the way?

A lot has happened the past week; we met with the social worker, finished and turned in her paperwork (including 8-10 page autobiographies on both of us) in a miracle under 48 hours, we had our first of 4 training sessions with the social worker that is a requirement for completion of the home study. All of my 5 references checked in with me indicating that they received their paperwork and have sent them back in. We also had all 3 of our physicals. This is on top of and in addition to: normal life, Bayli being sick for 6 days with trips to the pediatrician, and did I mention...regular old life?

I am standing strong, but one thing in particular that we found out last week has tried it's hardest to shake my resolve. On Thursday when we were on our way to our first training session, our Family Coordinator at AWAA called me to inform me that we'd need to change some information in our paperwork. I had originall requested a child between the ages of 0-9 months. She informed me that for the past several batch of referrals that they've gotten, they haven't had any children younger than 24 months available. A child is a child, but there is a huge difference between a 9 month old and a 24 month old...huge difference!

I was very proud of my initial reaction, which normally be nothing short of panick. This time the first words out of my mouth were, well, if God is the one who told us to adopt and God is the one to told us El Salvador...then God will certainly go before us and work this out. Now, my first thought was that several hundred women would all of a sudden become pregnant and one of those women would be the mother of my child. And therefore, we'd be able to get a baby. But then the thought occured to me that it may actually be God's will for us to get a 24 month old. I have no idea why. My heart tries to grieve this thought, but it can't. I'm not sure if I'm not allowing it, or if God isn't allowing it. I have a peace that this too will work out, regardless of what the outcome is.

My heart wants a new little baby, one that isn't walking, or talking or sitting up or rolling over yet. My first choice would be an infant, but I'm even ok with giving up some of this other stuff for a 9 month old that still would be sort of like a baby. I am really not so totally ok with a 24 month old. That, my friends, is a toddler.

But, for the life of me...I haven't been able to get depressed, down or discouraged about this fact. Not at all. It sneaks into my mind every now and then, but it's just a thought. And it doesn't stay there and harbor and try to "hang out" so to speak. It just enters my mind and then it's over.

God has been in control of this from the beginning. And as soon as I got out of His way, the doors began to open and everything started falling into place. Far be it from me to have a petition or request other than His perfect will for our lives and home. If that means that we will get a 24 month old addition to our family- then God will certainly give us the Grace and He will equip us with everything that we need.

God and I have worked too hard and been through entirely too much for me to get in the way again. I am so staying out of His way and letting Him work this out!

God, I pray that you will continue to be in the driver's seat of our lives. Especially during the adoption process. As much as my heart yearns for a tiny baby, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are in control of this. And that you want nothing but the best for the Moran family. We are right smack dab in the middle of your favor...and therefore, nothing but your ultimate will is good enough. I am staying out of the way and allowing you to work this out...even if it means doing more work in my heart. I love right here and now...right where we are and right where you have us. Thank you for choosing us to work through.

Loving the process of being a Face for Grace!
Holly

Some food for thought

It has been a while since I've posted, because...in case you've forgotten; I've been in labor. Paperwork labor, that is. Honestly, my OCD self has rather enjoyed paperwork labor. It is a LOT of work, and as our social worker said tonight, adoption is not for the faint of heart. Word to the wise, if you love to start projects and not finish them...this may not exactly be for you. But, it is certainly harder having to do paperwork for the adoption agency, that will be send to El Salvador- our Dossier. Then on top of that we have paperwork for the group that will be doing our home study. But I am pleased to announce that the paperwork for the Home Study agency, yes the same paperwork that normally takes about 10 days to two weeks to complete, drum roll please...I was able to finish in a record setting 24 hours, and was able to turn in to her in less than 2 days! Had it not been for that pesky little thing called sleep, I would have had it in sooner. Needless to say, she was oh so impressed with me.

Anyway, we had a training class tonight, the first of 4, for couples who are in the process of adopting internationally. It was a very interesting class and Jason and I both feel that we learned a lot. She did several activities that put us in the child's shoes. To have us think outside of our realm and help us to think how our child will feel. For instance, until Grayci meets us, she will only be used to one primary care taker. Imagine how overwhelming it will be for her to have more than one adult around her. Then, she asked us what we feel about us no longer being a typical white american family anymore. We had thought of this, but my response is, "Who cares?" Well I don't care and Jason doesn't care...but what about the baby. She will ultimately be the one to deal with the rejection. There is, of course, the side of me that says...I'll just claw their eyeballs out if they reject my child. But, aside from not being the Christian thing to do...what with the whole turn the other cheek thing. And then there's the whole, "well, that's not teaching Grayci anything good, now is it?" But- it made me stop and really evaluate myself. How many times have I possibly judged someone or judged a situation unfairly? I like to think that I'm not prejudice or that I have an open mind. But, am I a hypocrite? Honestly. How many times have I locked my doors when going down a "bad street"? Or how many times do I look at someone and think that they look strange...or even worse- assume that they are a bad person because of the way that they dress. Why? Just because they are different? Like it or not, Grayci will be a minority. Even though in our home and at church and around our immediate families she will be accepted and will be shown so much love she won't know what to do with herself. But, in the general public...she will be in the minority. Will I be able to handle this and equip her with the skills to handle this?

God, you have signed us up for something major here. So much more than just having a child, or raising a child. God, I can't change people's view and I certainly cannot make the world a place without prejudices. But, God- you and only you can give us the wisdom and knowledge to equip our child with the self esteem and power to stand tall and stand strong in this world. God I know this is all in your plan- you will work it out. And you will get all of the glory for it.

Continuing to be a Face for Grace,
Holly