How far I've come

For some reason, the loss of the last baby has been on my heart a lot this past week or so. It is no secret that I didn't handle myself well when I found out that the tiny heart had stopped beating. I went back and read an email that I sent out to some friends, and I remember how desperately I wanted an answer for why this had happened again. I wanted someone to tell me that it was ok, and that I was justified for being so very angry. Looking back, I feel like an outsider looking in at this situation, and my heart grieves for this mother. I want to reach out and help her. I can feel her anguish.

Jason and I learned that we have officially miscarried our 3rd baby. After having been given the green light over 2 weeks ago that all looks good, I was informed yesterday at a routine ultrasound that the baby’s heart stopped about a week and a half ago. Every person that we’ve made contact with has sincerely asked, “How are you doing?” Quite frankly, I have never felt so alone but yet so surrounded by love in my entire life. I am in such a fog I am trying to find where and how to place my next footstep. It is no surprise to anyone when I mention that I’m a control freak- my life is spinning so quickly out of control I don’t know how to “get back on the ride” so to speak. For those of you who have never lost a baby, words cannot express the horrible grief that a mother feels knowing that God has trusted you with this precious life- yet your body totally failed you again…for the 3rd time. We want to grow our family- the old fashioned way, but this apparently is not God’s will for us. So, now I’m trying to come to terms with that. As I awoke this morning, I didn’t want to get out of bed because then I’d be forced to face the day, and I don’t know how to begin this day...

I do pray that the poem that we’ve all read so many times Footprints in the Sand, is true- because to be totally honest with you…the ground in which I’m supposed to walk feels so shaky- so Jesus is just going to have to carry me for a while.

The tears sting my eyes and cheeks as I read the words that I wrote just 3 short months ago. We didn't deserve this, no one does. Was I wrong for feeling? For reaching out to people instead of God for help? Did I sound desparate? Yes, because I was.

I clearly remember thinking, "if I don't put my foot on the floor to get out of the bed, then the day really doesn't have to start." I turned over and asked Jason, "How do we start this day? The day after losing our 3rd child? How do we do it?" It was, by far, the hardest day of my life.

So, what went wrong? Of course they can’t tell until they get back all of the results- but now they are looking at genetic issues. Interpreted, this means that for some reason they are thinking that possibly there are genetic reasons why Jason and I shouldn’t reproduce. That having Bayli is a fluke somehow. So, trying to swallow that pill is not the easiest either. How can you be married to the one single person on this earth that God hand-picked for you and not be able to have children with that person b/c genetically we’re not a “match”! I’m very angry about the thought of this. I refuse to believe that, genetically speaking, Jason and I working together to create life causes chromosomal problems that ends a life that God began.

How can you be married to the one single person on this earth that God hand-picked for you and not be able to have children with that person? This was, and still is, the hardest question for me to face. It makes no sense to me at all.

Why does God allow such suffering of His chosen ones? That I cannot answer. Yes, one day I'll be able to minister to other women. Yes, one day the pain won't be as sharp or sting quite so badly. And, one day, when I get to Heaven I'll even be re-united with these sweet lives that I've lost.

One thing that I know for sure is that if we wouldn't have lost these babies, we certainly would not be on the road to adoption right now. Will Gracie fill the "holes" or the emptiness in my heart? I don't think that the pain will ever be gone, but I'm sure that she will fill my heart and my home with much love. I know that God doesn't cause suffering...but He certainly uses it to furter His kingdom and further His plan.

I also know that I placed too much of my trust in a positive pregnancy test. I thought that would bring me happiness. That positive on that stick would be the answer to the hurting and emptyness in my heart...wouldn't it? So then when we lost that life, the temporary happiness went with it. How can that be? How can it be true that someone who has been saved since 3rd grade and totally commited to her relationship with Christ for 14 years had her joy, peace and happiness wrapped up in a tiny little package? A tiny little heart beat? A positive pregnancy test? God wanted to bring me back to the place where I was content and happy with Him. He wanted to be the source of my joy and my happiness. Yes, the life was important. But God's plan is more important. Why is it God's plan for us to adopt? Why won't He just give us a baby like everyone else...the old fashioned way? I suspect that one day I will have these answers. But until that point, I will keep my eyes and my heart and my trust and my joy wrapped up in someone who will never leave me or forsake me. My joy will be in Jesus.

God, thank you for teaching me so much through this journey that we're on. Forgive me when every now and then my OCD self gets bored with you in control and tries to take over. God, you are my total and complete source of happiness. My happiness will not come when I hold Gracie for the first time...because I am already happy in you. Holding her will just be the icing on the cake. No matter how long the process takes...you are my source of total and complete happiness! Thank you God that you have given me a soft heart, a mother's heart that grieved the loss of her child. I will no longer be ashamed or embarrased of the way that I reacted, or over-reacted, over the loss of my child. It was a loss, and I deserved the opportunity to grieve. I thank you for what you taught me and what I allowed mysef to learn during this painful time in our lives. Thank you God for still loving me, even though I tried my hardest to blame you during the process.

Honored to be a Face for Grace,
Holly