I Am Free to Dream

It's no surprise to anyone that I've been fearful to become excited about this pregnancy. But over the past few weeks I have actually found myself sitting and dreaming about who this little person will become. For so long I have had to guard my heart. Pregnancy wasn't something to celebrate for us- it almost always meant a death sentence...no matter how hard we prayed, begged or pleaded it didn't always seem to go our way. This time, praise God, is different. It's been different all along, I just couldn't embrace it. When we passed the 9 week mark I knew we were on to something because we'd never made it that far, except with Bayli. When we hit the 2nd trimester, I was still only cautiously excited; I was just so afraid that something would happen.

Now here I sit, almost 22 weeks. I feel movement several times a day. I am relaxed, especially now that the heparin issue is resolved, and it hit me a few days ago...I am free to dream! I can sit back and enjoy this pregnancy as it is intended to be enjoyed. I can embrace it as a mother knowing I will welcome another child into my arms. The fear of this life leaving me and joining it's many other siblings in heaven is all but gone.

I am free to dream of... boy or girl? I am free to dream of big huge baby like it's sister? Hopefully a few pounds smaller :) I am free to dream of midnight feedings, just me and a sweet little one (yes- even that sounds exciting right now!) I am free to dream of a head full of hair- or soft, warm peach fuzz? I can sit and rub my growing belly and just wonder. And not wonder if he or she will stay with us this time. No, I am blessed enough to just be able to sit and wonder about the wonder of this life. The miracle of what is going on inside of me.

I am so glad that the fear has been replaced with wonder and excitement. I am so blessed that God has allowed this to be part of His plan. I am so glad that we didn't give up just one pregnancy ago... never to "try again"- because I can promise that I vowed that more than once!

I got giddy with excitement a few days ago when I went to Wal Mart to pick up some Gain and I passed the bottles of Dreft. I remember a post back this summer when we were waiting for God to move. When I was just recovering from yet another loss that we told only a handful of people about. When I shared my verse, the one that kept me going. When I shared my definition of armload of blessing... read more here

I am free to dream!

I'm Legal

Yesterday my dear friend, who is also our Pastor's wife, texted me to congratulate me on becoming legal.  I was so confused...but, let's be honest...it doesn't take much to confuse me most days.  Anyway- she has been keeping as good of records as I have regarding anything to do with my pregnancy.  And, she is correct- I'm legal...I'm officially 21!  

21 weeks that is!

21 weeks!  I never dreamed this would be possible again.  We have suffered so much loss, it just never seemed possible.  Yet here I sit with a little life doing it's daily aerobic activity inside of me as I type this.  Honestly and truthfully- with God all things are possible!  He has made a way where we just couldn't imagine even a few short months ago.

The past couple of weeks have been very emotional for me as I've been constantly replaying the discussion I had last with my OB, trying to decide whether or not to continue with the heparin or heed the advise of the Perinatologist and get off of all blood thinners completely.  I would love to be free from the limitations of the heparin, but yet I have been so fearful to do so.  It just seems as though the heparin is working.  We've never made it this far except for when we had Bayli...so something is different.  The only changes we've made is the heparin and the increase in folic acid.  So I couldn't understand the reasoning behind stopping it.  My heart would literally ache with fear when I would think about the possibility of stopping the medicine that I felt was keeping my baby alive.  It was an awful decision and I just couldn't feel a peace regardless of which way I leaned.

Thankfully I didn't have to make the decision.  My OB met with the perinatologist personally to discuss the matter, and she wasn't convinced that there was enough evidence to take the risk in stopping the medicine.  Why risk a late term loss?  Why fix it if it isn't broken?  It's working- so lets keep doing it.  I began to weep when I spoke to the nurse as she relayed this information.  I knew that I had been worked up and fearful, but I didn't realize quite how much it had upset me until she called me and advised me to continue.  I was quite suddenly overcome with peace; and as it washed over me the tears began to fall.  What a relief!  I know that God's hand is upon this life, but I also know that God uses the wisdom of doctors and he also uses medicine.  I finally feel such peace.

On a side note, my Pastor's wife has been praying that if we needed to continue with the heparin that God would renew my tolerance for it.  And He has been so faithful to do that.  I haven't had a painful injection for several days now and I haven't had an injection site give me any problems for almost 3 weeks.  This is indeed a blessing!  Of course I would endure anything at all that was necessary to keep this life thriving, but the fact that the injections are a little easier right now makes it so much better.

I feel so blessed to be past the half-way point.  Thanks to all of you for praying with us and following along with us on this journey!  We are so excited!

A Few Thin I"ve Learned Along the Way...Part VI

continued from previous series of posts....

During my pregnancy, I kept telling everyone that I didn't want to know the sex of the baby until delivery.  We even went as far as looking at and picking out a neutral bedding set so that I wouldn't be tempted to find out sooner.  However, we both wanted a daughter so badly, and a few weeks after our miscarriage my Dr. called with all of the test results.  They were able to determine that the baby had been lost due to a Chromosomal abnormality and they also determined the sex.  Without thinking I told her that I wanted to know the sex of the baby we lost.  It had been a little girl...our little girl.  The girl we had always dreamed of.  

Needless to say, when we were pregnant the second time, I kept thinking about the little girl we lost, and could only pray, hope and dream that this one was a girl also.  And even though the romantic notion of waiting to find out the sex was something I had always hoped for- the reality was that the closer we got to being able to find out, the closer I got to just exploding with excitement.  I couldn't stand to wait another second.  When we went for the ultrasound, the whole way there I kept saying that we weren't going to find out.  But when the time came I just couldn't stand it- and I caved.

We were thrilled to learn that this was another little girl!  The feeling was so overwhelming.  God had restored that which we lost!  I just knew this little girl was going to be my right hand.  I had so many dreams of teaching her things, spending time with her, watching her grow and raising her into a Godly young woman.  God was so good for giving me the desires of my heart!  And I think I've mentioned a time or two, that Bayli was the first little girl in 52 years on my mother-in-law's side of the family.  To say that the family was excited would be an understatement.  We couldn't wait to bring home that little girl clad in pink!

We left the Dr that day and went straight to pick out another bedding set.  Neutral green and yellow would hardly do for my little girl!  We were so excited!

Aside from the normal baby showers, decorating and making room for baby, the remainder of the pregnancy was rather uneventful.   Delivery, however, was a totally different story...

to be continued...

Just Sayin'...

Well, the gender that lies within is really beginning to intrigue me a tad.  I still want to be surprised, but the guessing is quite fun.  And I'm just sayin'...that if a high heartbeat is truly indicative of a girl; then it appears that Princess Di might have indeed taken up residence in my womb. Either that or we happened to catch "new moran" right smack in the middle of his/her afternoon Jane Fonda Workout.  Because...

I went to visit my OB this afternoon and the heartbeat hovered in at around 183 beats per minute!!  

Either way- we are blessed- and that is one high, strong heartbeat!  And this little life is thriving and is growing stronger by the minute.  I had a really good visit with my Doctor.  After our little incident Monday with the Heparin she is going to speak personally with the perinatologist regarding whether or not we continue with the heparin therapy.  She made no mention again at all regarding switching to Lovenox, apparently we are either going to discontinue blood thinners completely, or just stay the course we're on.  I trust her judgement totally and completely.  I am very grateful to not make a change to Lovenox- after confirming with my insurance company exactly how much that liquid gold would actually cost out of our pocket; you know- pay the house note or switch to Lovenox.  Sheesh!  That stuff is costly! 

Also, on a side note.  I slept through all but the 1st quarter of the National Championship Game tonight.  Y'all...this is a record for me.  There was not a single Bowl game this season that I didn't catch some good Zz's during!  It's quite offensive to my husband.  He is very much used to me not missing a minute of any important sports matter~but the National Championship Game!  Seriously- I am ashamed of myself.  (But what is a girl to do when she is busy growing another human inside- I have to get my rest whenever I can...and I am T.I.R.E.D. all of the time!) However, I did wake up in time to catch some nice post game interviews- if that amounts to anything at all.  Here's to hopin' that he doesn't disqualify me from future sports watching events!  

Also, to seal the deal on making this the most random post in history- this is my 100th post!  I am probably the only blogger in history to take 2 years to post 100 times!  Oh well, so it takes me a while to finally be a part of the 100 + post club, at least I made it!

Have a good evening!

If anyone is listening...I'm tired

I think I mentioned before that as part of the plan to keep "new moran" thriving, I am on quite a bit of medicine, including 2 heparin injections per day.  Well, either I'm at the end of what I can tolerate, or it's just getting more difficult to administer.  Heparin is supposed to be given in the belly, in the fatty tissue.  Well, at first there was way more than enough fatty tissue to go around.  But now that my belly is growing and expanding we are so limited to areas to give the injections.  The problem with that is that my body doesn't exactly tolerate the medicine that well.  I always bruise and I'm always left with a huge knot about the size of a marble, if not larger, underneath my skin.  It usually takes about a week for the knot and bruise to clear, and with already limited spots in which to inject- we are in a real pickle.  

Well, last night I realized that I was sleeping on my back so I woke up to roll over on my left side (the preferred side during pregnancy), at which point I was met by a horrendous pain from the Sunday morning injection site.  I put ice on it, which helped with the surface pain, but this pain was different.  It would be the equivalent of what my mind would think that touching an electric fence would feel like.  It was so tender and on fire!  Jason woke up and I asked him to feel it.  The gentle touch of his fingertips about sent me into orbit...it was so painful!  Now, I realize that I am a 34 year old woman complaining about a shot, but I have been doing this for 5 months now and I've never had this bad of a reaction.  We put ice on it, and I was finally able to drift back to sleep- only to be woken by a wrong number phone call at 4:30 this morning.

The weird thing is that I am still hurting so badly today.  I spoke to the nurse at my Dr's office and she thinks that we must've injected into the muscle.  And, to top it off, for some reason the nerve endings are a little damaged too.  So, they told me to take it easy today and keep ice on it and tylenol for the pain.  Honestly, I'm on bed rest for today because of a stupid shot gone awry.  

Even worse than this, my Dr. really wants to switch me from Heparin to Lovenox.  Well, Lovenox has definite advantages, it's only once per day and the syringes come pre-filled, etc.  And apparently they come pre-filled with liquid gold.  Because the cost of a 30 day supply of Lovenox?  $1,000.  For a 30 day supply.  Of some medicine.  Y'all...its not like I'm doing cocaine or trying to get some sort of high here.  I just want to keep myself and my baby alive.  I have 4 months left, that would be $4,000!  Yes, our insurance would cover some of that, but we would still pay a big chunk...more than I would like to admit since it's a non-preferred drug.  Just the $150 per month we've been spending on the heparin has been an inconvenience to our pocketbooks, so I cannot even begin to imagine how we'd be able to do the Lovenox.  

My initial thought is that I will just go back to work.  But who will hire a woman who's in her 5th month of pregnancy that plans to quit to stay home again when the baby's born?  And who will handle all of our responsibilities at church?  And who will pick my baby up from kindergarten every day?

I am just tired.  I'm tired of worrying.  I'm tired of hurting.  And I hate complaining, because it doesn't solve a thing.  And I feel like I'm complaining- which obviously isn't solving anything.  I guess I need to go make a list or something...making a list always makes me feel better.  It makes me feel some sort of control.  However, it's only January 5th- I really can't think of any other possible list to make right now- unless I make a list to organize the lists that I made on January 1st.

All that I can do is just give up control again.  In the Word it says that Our God shall supply all our needs.  It also references the fact that if God can care for the sparrows and birds, how much more will He care for me?  He loves me, and He loves this life within me.  He will certainly provide the way to keep us all going.

I never knew it would be possible to be so excited, yet so scared all at the same time.

A Few Things I've Learned along the way...Part V

continued from previous series of posts...

I wish that I could say that over time I had totally laid all of my fears aside and trusted God totally and completely and planned out the perfect time to try again for another pregnancy.

The truth of the matter is...my next pregnancy happened totally on a whim.  Actually, my sweet husband commented that we shouldn't be fearful and that he really wanted to try again for another baby.  That was on cycle day 3.  After that I sort of panicked again, and told him I'd rather wait until I was certain that I was ready for the emotion of trying again.  I realize that they say that God is the one who opens and closes the womb- and apparently that is correct. Because medically, um...it just shouldn't have happened.

But it did.  And I am ever so glad.

We found out in January 2003 that we were indeed pregnant again.  Since our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, my Doctor ordered some early blood work and an early ultrasound.  The labs came back ok, but the ultrasound was borderline.  The heartbeat was 99 beats per minute. We were told that there was a 50/50 chance of survival.  We had to go home and wait it out for the next 2 weeks.  We had made the decision at that point not to tell anyone at all about this pregnancy.  So it was literally me, Jason and God for the next 14 days.  It was one of the scariest times of my life.

During that time, we learned that a good friend of  ours from church had lost her 2nd baby.  She lost her first one 1 week before I lost mine.  Ironically, we had been pregnant together again, but neither of us had told anyone, so we didn't know it.  We called for permission to go visit with them and they allowed us to go.  Their grief was horrible.  The grief was so thick in the air, you could feel it upon entering their house.  I sat and talked with her for several hours, trying my best to comfort her.  I was pregnant, but she didn't know it; and we weren't even sure if our little life was going to make it.  As I sat there with her- the tears streaming both of our faces she shared with me that an early ultrasound of theirs showed their baby with a heartbeat of 99 beats per minute.  They were given the same odds as us.  And their sweet little baby didn't make it.  I remember excusing myself to the restroom literally gasping for air, praying and pleading with God to allow our life to make it; and feeling guilty for asking that knowing that on the other side of the door sat a dear friend of mine who had just lost hers.

Needless to say the next 2 weeks we were on pins and needles.  I would love to say that I was full of confidence and relied totally on God's grace- but that would be a lie.  I was scared out of my mind that our next ultrasound would show another still heartbeat.  My prayers were more like begging and pleading rather than praying and believing anything that God said in His word.

It was a very difficult time to walk through, but we made it, and God blessed us.  The next ultrasound did not show a still heartbeat, but instead a thriving pregnancy with a beautiful heartbeat!  160+ beats per minute.  I was 9 weeks and 1 day and we were ready to rejoice!

Our original plans had been to wait until we were 12 weeks to share the news, but we both had peace that since we were farther along than we were when we lost the first baby, then certainly we must be ok.  We were ready to spread the news!  So we did exactly that.  We told anyone who would listen.  I carried ultrasound pictures with me in my purse and was thrilled to show anyone and everyone.  The baby at that point looked like a little Teddy Graham snack cracker- so that was our loving term of endearment that we used when referring to the baby.

We never looked back, and the fear never returned during this pregnancy.  We went full steam ahead planning for this baby that would join our family.  We were overjoyed to say the least!

to be continued...