Monday, January 26, 2009

I Am Free to Dream

It's no surprise to anyone that I've been fearful to become excited about this pregnancy. But over the past few weeks I have actually found myself sitting and dreaming about who this little person will become. For so long I have had to guard my heart. Pregnancy wasn't something to celebrate for us- it almost always meant a death sentence...no matter how hard we prayed, begged or pleaded it didn't always seem to go our way. This time, praise God, is different. It's been different all along, I just couldn't embrace it. When we passed the 9 week mark I knew we were on to something because we'd never made it that far, except with Bayli. When we hit the 2nd trimester, I was still only cautiously excited; I was just so afraid that something would happen.

Now here I sit, almost 22 weeks. I feel movement several times a day. I am relaxed, especially now that the heparin issue is resolved, and it hit me a few days ago...I am free to dream! I can sit back and enjoy this pregnancy as it is intended to be enjoyed. I can embrace it as a mother knowing I will welcome another child into my arms. The fear of this life leaving me and joining it's many other siblings in heaven is all but gone.

I am free to dream of... boy or girl? I am free to dream of big huge baby like it's sister? Hopefully a few pounds smaller :) I am free to dream of midnight feedings, just me and a sweet little one (yes- even that sounds exciting right now!) I am free to dream of a head full of hair- or soft, warm peach fuzz? I can sit and rub my growing belly and just wonder. And not wonder if he or she will stay with us this time. No, I am blessed enough to just be able to sit and wonder about the wonder of this life. The miracle of what is going on inside of me.

I am so glad that the fear has been replaced with wonder and excitement. I am so blessed that God has allowed this to be part of His plan. I am so glad that we didn't give up just one pregnancy ago... never to "try again"- because I can promise that I vowed that more than once!

I got giddy with excitement a few days ago when I went to Wal Mart to pick up some Gain and I passed the bottles of Dreft. I remember a post back this summer when we were waiting for God to move. When I was just recovering from yet another loss that we told only a handful of people about. When I shared my verse, the one that kept me going. When I shared my definition of armload of blessing... read more here

I am free to dream!

3 comments:

The Northcutts said...

Thank you so much for the comment! And you are soo right about going through a miscarriage, noone truly understands unless you have been there before. And noone understands how much you can love an unborn child whom you've never actually met until you become pregnant for the first time! Im sorry about your miscarriages but so excited for you and this pregnancy! I will pray for you and your family, and pray for the sweet baby growing in your belly now! Thanks again!

The Northcutts said...

P.S. I just got done reading some of your older post and wanted to tell you that Your daughter is Beautiful!

Embracing my cup said...

Praise! Praise! Praise!!

I am rejoicing with you!!