If anyone is listening...I'm tired

I think I mentioned before that as part of the plan to keep "new moran" thriving, I am on quite a bit of medicine, including 2 heparin injections per day.  Well, either I'm at the end of what I can tolerate, or it's just getting more difficult to administer.  Heparin is supposed to be given in the belly, in the fatty tissue.  Well, at first there was way more than enough fatty tissue to go around.  But now that my belly is growing and expanding we are so limited to areas to give the injections.  The problem with that is that my body doesn't exactly tolerate the medicine that well.  I always bruise and I'm always left with a huge knot about the size of a marble, if not larger, underneath my skin.  It usually takes about a week for the knot and bruise to clear, and with already limited spots in which to inject- we are in a real pickle.  

Well, last night I realized that I was sleeping on my back so I woke up to roll over on my left side (the preferred side during pregnancy), at which point I was met by a horrendous pain from the Sunday morning injection site.  I put ice on it, which helped with the surface pain, but this pain was different.  It would be the equivalent of what my mind would think that touching an electric fence would feel like.  It was so tender and on fire!  Jason woke up and I asked him to feel it.  The gentle touch of his fingertips about sent me into orbit...it was so painful!  Now, I realize that I am a 34 year old woman complaining about a shot, but I have been doing this for 5 months now and I've never had this bad of a reaction.  We put ice on it, and I was finally able to drift back to sleep- only to be woken by a wrong number phone call at 4:30 this morning.

The weird thing is that I am still hurting so badly today.  I spoke to the nurse at my Dr's office and she thinks that we must've injected into the muscle.  And, to top it off, for some reason the nerve endings are a little damaged too.  So, they told me to take it easy today and keep ice on it and tylenol for the pain.  Honestly, I'm on bed rest for today because of a stupid shot gone awry.  

Even worse than this, my Dr. really wants to switch me from Heparin to Lovenox.  Well, Lovenox has definite advantages, it's only once per day and the syringes come pre-filled, etc.  And apparently they come pre-filled with liquid gold.  Because the cost of a 30 day supply of Lovenox?  $1,000.  For a 30 day supply.  Of some medicine.  Y'all...its not like I'm doing cocaine or trying to get some sort of high here.  I just want to keep myself and my baby alive.  I have 4 months left, that would be $4,000!  Yes, our insurance would cover some of that, but we would still pay a big chunk...more than I would like to admit since it's a non-preferred drug.  Just the $150 per month we've been spending on the heparin has been an inconvenience to our pocketbooks, so I cannot even begin to imagine how we'd be able to do the Lovenox.  

My initial thought is that I will just go back to work.  But who will hire a woman who's in her 5th month of pregnancy that plans to quit to stay home again when the baby's born?  And who will handle all of our responsibilities at church?  And who will pick my baby up from kindergarten every day?

I am just tired.  I'm tired of worrying.  I'm tired of hurting.  And I hate complaining, because it doesn't solve a thing.  And I feel like I'm complaining- which obviously isn't solving anything.  I guess I need to go make a list or something...making a list always makes me feel better.  It makes me feel some sort of control.  However, it's only January 5th- I really can't think of any other possible list to make right now- unless I make a list to organize the lists that I made on January 1st.

All that I can do is just give up control again.  In the Word it says that Our God shall supply all our needs.  It also references the fact that if God can care for the sparrows and birds, how much more will He care for me?  He loves me, and He loves this life within me.  He will certainly provide the way to keep us all going.

I never knew it would be possible to be so excited, yet so scared all at the same time.