Our Baby is Perfect!

We just returned from the visit with the Perinatologist and in his exact words, "If I have to give my honest, professional opinion, I totally believe that we will see a healthy baby born into this world in late May/early June 2009.  Nothing that I am seeing here alarms me or gives me any indication otherwise."

At which point I begin to sob.  Because those are words that I have waited to hear for years! 

 

My heart is overjoyed!  And I look forward to getting some much needed rest now.  I feel certain that I should be able to relax enough to take that long winter's nap that I kept hearing about but haven't been able to witness first hand.

And, on a side note, we opted NOT to find out the sex of the baby.  Jason was a bit disappointed, but this is another thing that I've wanted for years...that element of surprise when going into the delivery room.  We go back for another ultrasound with the Perinatologist in about 4 weeks, so we have a little more time to discuss it and change our minds if we decide to.  I guess I'm just so happy to be carrying a healthy baby that the sex doesn't matter at all to me either way.  I would love a little boy since we already have Bayli and then Grayci will be on her way from El Salvador one day.  But I'd also be perfectly content with a houseful of girls.  

We'll see.  God has obviously already determined the perfect little life to join our family and for now it is our plan to wait to open and marvel at that gift at the time it enters our world.  Boy or Girl, what'll it be??  I guess we'll have to wait and see!

Thank you all for your prayers!  And thank you Jesus...giver of all wonderful and perfect gifts!  Thank you for blessing us.  It is still a little hard to digest this news after so much heartache and heartbreak, but I am more determined than ever to just live in the moment and enjoy the blessing before us!

An Update

Hey Everyone,

Just wanted to ask for all of your prayers tomorrow morning as we are going to see a specialist that will more than likely be co-monitoring me, along with my regular OB, throughout the remainder of my pregnancy.

I know I've spent a lot of time recently re-living a little bit of past, but the truth is, I'm still pretty freaked out about the present.  I am very excited about our pregnancy- but yet there are many times a day when the fear that grips my heart is so overwhelming I can barely catch my breath.  There are many times when the words leave me and all that I can do is barely whisper "Life...God I pray for Life".  Maybe it's not the most eloquent of prayers, but I don't think that matters.  

I haven't been sleeping real good the past few nights because all that I can think about is what we will find out tomorrow.  I pray that it is a good report...no complications...and quite simply- I pray for life.

A few things I've learned along the way...Part IV

continued from previous post...

If you remember, we had just celebrated our 7 year anniversary. I remember sitting in the break room at my job when my supervisor told me that I should beware because he had heard that the 7th year of marriage was the toughest...that's when most divorces occur. Funny- we were in the middle of the most difficult thing our 7 year old marriage ever knew. But, apparently it was going to get worse before it got better.

I was sitting at my desk when Jason called me suddenly one day to tell me that he had been laid off from his job. He was going to finish out that week, collect that paycheck and then he'd receive 4 weeks severance pay.

Ok, in case you need help keeping score...brand new house, with a brand new house note; still dealing with the very difficult loss of our first pregnancy and now the loss of our main source of income. Wow- happy 7 year anniversary!!

I guess that this news, although a little overwhelming at the time, came at a good time because it forced us out of our pity-party. It also brought us closer together, we worked together on our budget and things to cut if necessary. We prayed together more and decided that no matter what happened, we would never short change God. Our tithe would still be the first bill we would pay, regardless of how tight things became.  We were very blessed, though, because it never became necessary to go to that extreme. By the time that the severance pay had been used up, God had blessed Jason with a new job that was only a mile or two from our house and he received a $6000 per year increase in pay.

Although focusing on and dealing with Jason's change of jobs had forced us out of the pity-party with the loss of our baby; we did have another challenge to deal with. Jason's brother and his wife had their first baby. I was responsible for giving her their baby shower. Although it was an exciting time for all of us in our family, there was no hiding the fact that my heart was hurting over our loss during this time. The day that my sweet nephew was welcomed into the world was bitter sweet for us. We were so very happy for them, and loved him so much, but it was such a hard time for us. Please don't misunderstand, I love that little boy like crazy- I have from the beginning; but no matter how much you love someone and no matter how happy you are for someone else- it becomes very difficult to watch someone so close to you receive the blessing that you yourself have wanted for so long.  But, as hard as it was, the most amazing thing happened...the minute I held that sweet bundle of joy my heart began aching again- but in a different way.  I realized more than ever what we were missing out on.  I realized what had been stolen from us.  And I started rounding the corner of maybe, possibly being able to give another pregnancy another try.

If God had allowed us to become pregnant the first time, certainly he could allow it again, right?  And, even though we were still scared out of our minds, there was no guarantee that what happened before would happen again.  Maybe, just maybe I was ready to try again??

to be continued.... 

Merry Christmas...a tad late

Christmas 2008 was wonderful for the Moran family!  I lay awake several hours on Christmas Eve thinking about the day ahead of us.  I was so excited for Bayli-bug.  I just knew that she was going to have the time of her life opening gifts.  I was also so overwhelmed as I lay in bed and felt the little life inside of me fluttering a few times.  If you had told me even 6 short months ago that we would be at this place this Christmas I wouldn't have been able to believe you.  I believed that God would answer our prayers, but yet we have been so programmed to just accept our situation, like it or not, that truly realizing, accepting and processing this information has been , oddly enough...almost a challenge.  Allowing the joy to overshadow the fear- it's taken quite a bit of prayer.

We also started a new tradition with our Jesse tree.  It was so much fun making the ornaments and putting it all together.  Every night we looked forward to that time as a family.  We will look forward to this for many years to come!

I have to tell you about the funniest thing that happened Christmas morning!  We had 1 present that was really big that couldn't fit under the tree so we set it beside the entertainment center.  I had wrapped it and put a bow on it, but didn't put the name tag on it.  I started to do it Christmas Eve, but Jason told me not to.  He just wanted me to surprise her.  So bright and early Christmas morning Bayli knocked on our door and said, "It's Christmas morning and time to open presents!  And guess, what?  There is a BIG present beside the TV and there is no name on it.  Is it for me?"  All morning she kept asking who the big present was for and we just told her we weren't sure, we'd open it all together after we opened all of the other gifts.  Eventually she quit asking, but when all of the presents were opened she asked to open the big gift.  Luckily I grabbed my flip video because what happened next might go down in history as the most excited gift opening experience of a lifetime! Enjoy!

A Few Things I've Learned Along the Way...Part III

continued...

In between sobs, "Jason, I need you to come back to the Doctors office...there's no heartbeat". I was hysterical in the truest sense of the word. I couldn't believe that the little life we had so carefully planned for had slipped away from us. We watched it happen, slowly...almost daily ultrasounds- first 160+, then 120's- now silence where the flickering heartbeat had been only a few days before.

For me, losing our first pregnancy brought so many bigger fears, "what if we never are able to have children?" "what if I have to go through this again (little did I know...)" "what if I can't get pregnant again so easily next time?" "how will I tell everyone this horrible news...they are all so happy" I could have chosen to just believe good things, but instead my heart and mind reeled with the negative truth of the situation.

My heart was broken, as was Jason's...and I really felt like I had let him down.

But, by far, the absolute worse thing of all was that everyone's life just went on. The world kept turning- even though my personal world had come to a sudden halt. I was so angry at the people who called me- literally within hours of us finding out that we had lost the baby and they couldn't understand our sadness. They couldn't understand why we cried. People actually gave us words of wisdom to try again the next month! Quoted, word for word, "You guys better get busy and jump back in the saddle again right away!" Um, ok- are you guys the same breed of people who held signs at abortion rallies before?! Do you not believe that life begins at conception? Because, if you believe that...which I do too...then you are telling me to forget about the little life, the little life that was to grow into our child. The life that was living inside of me! It was a life...and it was my child! I also found it interesting there is no bereavement time at work for women who have miscarried. Even though they have miscarried a human life. But if your hubands great Aunt Sally twice removed were to pass away I could have taken 3 days off with pay. However, I had to take vacation time, and then time without pay to cover the few days that I took off to recover from my D&C .

My other personal favorite is the "well at least you didn't feel it move yet" or "at least you didn't have time to know it and/or love it yet" or "well, at least it happened now" and "this must be part of God's plan". Please people- if this is the best you've got then you should try again. Because, it's no secret that mother's are very protective of their children. And, what I felt at that moment was you attacking my child... as if my child was less than yours because it didn't make it long enough for me to feel it move. And, I did absolutely have time to fall in love with this baby. For real, please, please don't ever say these things to a woman who just lost a baby...just simply tell her that you love her and that you are praying for her...then really pray for her because more than likely she'll need it.

As far as trying again- I was scared out of my mind. The devil ate my lunch. For me personally, I had to take some time to grieve this loss. We had to take some time to find our new normal. We had been suddenly thrown feet first into a new chapter of our lives- one that we weren't prepared to handle. Those of you who have never lost a baby might think that I have over reacted, and maybe I did- but my hurt and pain was very real and I had to figure out how to deal with it.

Jason and I chose to get away for a few days in Florida. Funny thing is, I hate the beach. The sand is, quite frankly, just a little too sandy for me. However, I love nothing more than to get a beachfront room and sit on the balcony for hours reading and listening to the waves and smelling the ocean air. There is nothing like it. We also went to a Christian Book Store in Destin and picked up a devotional book entitled "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" it is a remarkable little book and I have actually purchased many of them for women I know that have lost babies. This little book, done daily with my sweet husband helped us forge our way through the fog and deal with a lot of our hurt and pain.

We were at a scary point in our lives. It was the first real problem that we had encountered in the 7 years since we were married. All of a sudden, the world that we knew was different. We no longer had the bliss of being young and naive.

We had lost our first child...

to be continued

Spilling the Beans

We decided to tell Bayli about her new little sibling on the way a little earlier than originally planned. We were going to tell her Christmas Morning, but so many people are finding out now at Church that we were so afraid that someone would say something before we had the opportunity to. I had her Big Sister shirt and the framed pics of the ultrasound wrapped and ready to stick under the tree on Christmas Eve, but instead we surprised her last night. We all had our heads bowed and as Bayli said the blessing for dinner, I pushed her plate out of the way and placed the gift in front of her on the table. When she opened her eyes- there it was- the shiny red wrapped gift.

She opened the present- so excited- and then pulled out the shirt and sounded out the words. She was confused at first b/c she knows she's going to be a Big Sister to Grayci once the adoption goes through. But, once she saw the ultrasound pictures and we explained that Mommy had a baby in her belly she went crazy! She ran to the phone to call her Grandma and Grammy and Aunt Shelley- then she put her shirt on and we had to make our rounds to all of our neighbors to show them the picture. Some of them knew already but some of them didn't. They were all quite surprised that I was already 16 weeks and that we had kept the secret this long!

Last night was the best. We were sitting on the couch after doing our Jesse Tree for the evening. And she laid her head on my belly. Suddenly she shot up and got right in my face and said, "Now Mommy, I want you to open your mouth so that I can hear the baby!" It was hilarious! She is certainly one excited little girl!

Also, I was in Baton Rouge today finishing up some last minute Christmas shopping, so I decided to stop by my Doctor's office to hear the heartbeat again. I wanted to be sure that we were making a wise decision by telling her last night. And while I was on the table I felt the baby move twice!! It kept running away from the doppler and I could feel it- very faintly...but I still could feel it! How incredible. I've waited quite some time for that flutter...not just a few months; but instead many long years!

What an amazing day we had!

A Few Things I've Learned Along the Way...Part II

What else could we possibly ask for? (continued from previous post)

1 1/2 short weeks into my pregnancy I began experiencing a lot of cramping on my right side. Afraid that I might be experiencing an ectopic pregnancy my Dr ordered an ultrasound. I was 6 weeks along and she advised me not to be discouraged if we didn't have a heartbeat yet, considering I was still so early. We went for the ultrasound to find that it was not an ectopic pregnancy- but rather a seemingly healthy pregnancy with a growing fetus that had a heartbeat of 164 beats per minute! We were thrilled...everything seemed to be falling into place just as we had planned for so many years! What a miracle to see that little life so early with the heart beating away- a miracle life created by God using me and my spouse whom I loved so much. It was the product of the two of us...what a blessing!

Our Doctor was very surprised to find such a strong heartbeat so early on- but was still mystified about the cramping. Since it didn't subside she admitted me over night for observation and an IV. Well, after my 3rd bag of IV fluids the cramping stopped. Apparently I wasn't aware of how much a little life can take right out of you. I had been dehydrating- just not taking in enough fluids to cover what the baby was taking from me. I felt like a new person the next day!

4 days later, on a Sunday afternoon, I began spotting. I was very freaked out but really had no immediate reason to be alarmed-after all we had been so careful in timing and planning this pregnancy to the very last detail. Certainly it was God's will for us to have his baby...

I went to bed that afternoon and stayed in bed until the next day when I called my Dr. She requested to see me right away and scheduled another ultrasound. We went to see her and upon examining me she really felt like everything was still ok. We saw a still strong heartbeat on the ultrasound screen- it had dropped slightly but was still in a healthy range. She advised me to continue with our regular routine and to stop worrying about the spotting. If a miscarriage were to happen there is nothing medically that can be done to stop it. It was a hard road to walk, but we took her advice. We went to work, cleaned house, grocery shopped, kept up with our regular routine...all the while I kept spotting.

Another 3 or 4 days passed and I called to request another ultrasound. The heart beat had dropped to 120. My Dr. insisted that this was still a healthy range- let's just try not to worry. I had a regualar visit scheduled for the following week- I would be 7 1/2 weeks at that point. I held on to hope that everything would be fine. After all, that's what the medical professional recommended and I trusted her. I continued to spot the entire weekend, sometimes lightly and sometimes pretty heavy. I began to dread trips to the bathroom as I knew I would be reduced to tears as I surveyed the situation. I kept my faith high- as high as possible given the situation. All that we could do was pray and hope for the best.

We went for our scheduled appointment and my Dr. insisted that all was still well. She prescribed a prenatal vitamin (isn't that funny that we hadn't done that yet?) and just to set my mind at ease I went for another ultrasound. Jason asked her if it was safe for him to return to work b/c he had missed so much work already the past couple of weeks. She assured him that everything was fine, this was just to reassure me...after all- some people spot their entire pregnancy.

I layed on the table in disbelief. The technician couldn't tell me the results- but she didn't have to. I could see with my own 2 eyes that the little flicker was gone. The flicker that had been life had been replaced with a still, blank screen.

Our little life was gone. The baby that we had hoped for, wished for, dreamed for...prayed for. It was gone. Too early. As the technician escorted me back up to my physician's office, she allowed me to use her cell phone to call my husband. My sweet unsuspecting husband who had gone back to work assuming everything was fine. I had to call him to tell him that I was so sorry; and that I felt horribly responsible even that I knew it wasn't my fault...but who else's fault could it be? My heart was broken. God had trusted me with this life, and my womb failed us...

...to be continued...

A Few Things I've Learned Along The Way

As I've documented a time or two over the past little while of doing this blog thing; growing our family has been quite the challenge for Jason and I. And for some reason over the past couple of months I have felt rather compelled to share our journey in greater detail. Maybe it will minister to someone, maybe it will minister to me- or maybe it will just be documented for my children to one day read so that they can fully grasp how very important it was for us to try so hard to bring them into the world.

Either way I will attempt to spend the next several posts spilling my guts in (hopefully) a somewhat organized and orderly fashion as I try to put into words the events that have taken place over the past 6 1/2 years of our lives.

I have always wanted to be a Mom. From as early on as I can recall- probably about the age of 4 or 5, as soon as I made the connection to girls being the ones that had the babies and that I was a girl, therefore I could be a Mom...I was hooked. My mother tells me one of my first words was baby. I have always adored children and could not wait to give birth. My sister in law used to joke that my body "yearned to give birth". I couldn't wait for the moment when I would feel life flutter inside me for the first time. I spent many, many hours babysitting as I grew up. I remember being 18 or 19 years old and cancelled plans with some friends of mine to spend the night in New Orleans just to babysit for 2 little children that I adored.

When I started looking for "Mr. Right" I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would have to be a family man, would have to love children and would have to want a houseful of kids one day himself. God certainly did not disappoint me when he sent my husband my way. God totally did not disappoint; not only did this man meet all of my criteria- he was also called to be a Children's Pastor. Hello- children were obviously in our future. When the time was right, all we would have to do is name our number and viola! We'd have the family we'd always dreamed of...or so we thought.

We were married and like most young married couples, struggled some financially. I always knew that I wanted to be a stay at home Mom when we did have children, so we knew it was better to wait until we were a little more financially set before trying to have children. We also wanted to be in a house, not in the mobile home we were living in at the time. After about 6 years of marriage we had finalized plans on our starter home. We began construction and knew that as soon as we moved in we'd begin trying to have a baby. After all, we had it all planned out- it was our time, so certainly it would be God's time too. The last nail was hammered into place on May 30, 2002 and we received our inspection certificate on May 31st and we began moving in.

We started trying to grow our family immediately. On July 14, 2002 I handed my husband an anniversary card with shaky, nervous hands. It was our 7 year wedding anniversary and the inside was signed, "With much Love, Holly and Baby" We had achieved our dream- and rather quickly I might add! We were both ecstatic and couldn't wait to share the news with anyone and everyone who would listen. What we had dreamed of was becoming a reality! We were going to have a baby. Our beginning of our 7th year of marriage looked to be promising...new house, new baby on the way!

What else could we possibly ask for?

The Weather Outside is Frightful...

The weather outside is frightful...but fun!

We woke this morning to actual snowflakes falling. We ran outside in PJ's and coats to snap a few pictures- thinking that would be the end of it. Well, 3 hours later the snow has finally changed to sleeting rain. But prior to that, we had at least 2 inches of snowfall. It was so much fun...but so cold. We southerners just ain't used to the extreme cold!

Having been born in Pennsylvania, I remember the snow, but it's been a long time! I also remember having the proper gear and attire to play in the snow. We have been make-shifting all morning. We just don't have snow boots and nice gloves. Bayli had some sorry little mittens and her poor fingers were freezing! But she didn't give up. She even made a snow angel!

Speaking of not having the proper gear and attire; we need to pray for everyone to drive safely in these conditions. It's fun to watch the snow fall while in the safety of your own home, but when out and about without snow tires and the other proper equipment- the icy roads become very dangerous. There are already several accidents and major road closures.

But, enjoy these pictures.

A mother's touch

This morning as I was taking Bayli to school I asked her if she ever got tired of my loving on her. Because, let's face it- I probably kiss and hug her 100+ times a day, combined with the number of times that I tell her that I love her combined with the time spent cuddling on the couch at night and in her bed at night before she falls asleep...well, lets just say she gets loved. But sometimes I'm afraid that my desire to mother another child overtakes me to the point of suffocating the one that I have. And, like it or not, there will probably come a day when she might not be as excited about the snuggle time. But her response to me this morning brought tears to my eyes. She said, "Oh no Mommy...who could ever get tired of their Mommy hugging them."

Oh sweetness.

But I couldn't help but think of a little girl in El Salvador who was brought to an orphanage b/c her mother loved her so much and desired a better life for her. And because of that great act of love we will be able to grow our family. And as much as I love this little one growing inside of me- my heart still burns with desire for the little one more than likely already born several hundreds of miles away. The one that will more than likely join our family as a toddler, not as an infant. The one who's mother loved her so...but who's mother's touch she probably hasn't felt in quite a while. The one who shares a room with 20 or so other children, none of whom are siblings. The one who has a care taker- doing the best she can to care for all of these children, but might not have the time or take the time to "love on her" in the physical sense of the word. The little girl who is to become our Grayci...the one that will be brought to us through the wonderful gift of adoption...the one who is growing in our hearts while one is growing in my belly.

My heart aches for her...I wish that she were here now, so that on Christmas morning we could share with her the wonderful news of a sibling that will be born into our home. I pray that she knows a Mother's touch. I pray that she feels my love across these miles.

I pray that she makes it home soon.

Hello, 2nd Trimester!

Edited to add Ultrasound Pic...new moran sucking his/her thumb! too sweet!

Well, I haven't had time to scan the latest ultrasound pic, but we did go to the Dr. Tuesday afternoon for another ultrasound and Dr. visit. And we are very pleased to announce that all is well! I am so very relieved to be out of my 1st Trimester and officially into the 2nd! What a HUGE milestone! My Dr really feels that it would be very odd for something to happen at this point- I am so relieved. My MIL commented today that my entire countenance has changed...she said for the first time in 3 months I actually look relaxed. I still feel a little anxious inside, but for the most part I'm allowing myself to get excited.

My next appointment will be December 31st where we will have to go to a specialist for monitoring due to the condition I have- Factor V (five). Apparently my body is more prone to blood clots, especially during pregnancy. This is why we've been doing the injections of Heparin 2x's daily...to help thin the blood so no clots will form. She said the main places of concern are in the placenta, uterus and umbilical cord. Please agree with us that the Heparin will do it's job and I will be able to remain blood clot free the entire pregnancy. I cannot even allow myself to think of such a complication.

And, on a more personal note, she is also open to the thought of allowing me to attempt a VBAC delivery this time. My delivery with Bayli was horrible- after a relatively easy labor I pushed for 3 hours, along with the use of forcepts at the end- just to end with an emergency C-section at the last minute b/c she was no longer tolerating the delivery. Knowing that this will be my last pregnancy I really desire to have a vaginal delivery. I wish to have that moment. However, trust me when I say that I will be totally ok with however the baby gets here, as long as it gets here safely. BUT- I am still praying for this desire to be met. I know that a decision regarding this particular situation will not be made until the very end, but I am just pleased that she is open to the possibility.

Thank you all for your prayers...

I'm either getting older or wiser

Monday was my birthday. For the first time ever in my now 34 years of life- it didn't matter to me one bit if we did anything, went anywhere, if anyone remembered or if I received any gifts. See, by nature I am a very high-maintenance sort of gal. I am also a romantic. I expect and I have high hopes. Always. Not caring is totally out of character for me.

This year, Jason asked me what I'd like for my birthday. Normally this one question alone would be enough to send me into orbit. (Why, oh why must you ask? Have you not spent every day with me for the past year? Can't you listen to or pick up on subtle little hints?) This year, I simply replied- absolutely nothing. I am so content. I feel as though God has blessed me abundantly and there is nothing on this earth that he could purchase that would make me even one ounce happier! Not just because it seems as though God has answered my prayer with blessing us with a healthy pregnancy- but just because my heart seems so full. I am blessed.

However, he has also been married to me long enough to not exactly listen to me also. Which was fine too. Monday night we went out to eat on a whim to a local Japanese restaurant that we love. It was our first time bringing Bayli with us- she didn't love the fire of the Hibachi grill; but aside from that loved the other entertainment and loved the food! She cleaned her plate! She also told the waitress 100+ times that it was my birthday so they brought out a dessert and sang Happy Birthday to me. We had so much fun! After that we ran to the mall where I returned a shirt and entertained myself while Jason and Bayli bought a couple of gifts for me. They had them giftwrapped in the store and Bayli bugged me to open them right away so I did and everything was wonderful. After that we went to Whole Foods to pick up a piece of Chantilly cake for me (YUMMY! It has a light icing with tons of fresh berries- blueberries, strawberries, etc...delish!). I literally grabbed a fork and ate it on the way home.

Everything was totally unorganized, unplanned and "on a whim"...and it couldn't have been any better! A great night with my favorite people...it doesn't get any better than that!

PS- also totally out of character for me- I didn't bring my camera. I took a few pics on my phone though. If I can figure out how to put them on here from my phone I will post them later. Hope everyone has a blessed and happy Thanksgiving!

Live Coverage from the Battle

I fully intented on waking up this morning and heading up to my Dr's office to let the nurse find the heartbeat for me. Just for reassurance. It has been almost a week since the ultrasound and we have a crazy busy holiday week next week. Not to mention that we will see alot of family next week and I'd like to be able to have confidence that all really is well and growing and thriving inside before facing everyone next week.

See, the way things work for me typically is that I go about my business being pregnant, feeling pregnant and then end up at the Dr for a routine visit and the pregnancy has ended without any signs or warning whatsoever. Usually the heart has stopped 1-2 weeks prior and my body still hasn't clued me in on it at all. It is enough to make you go crazy.

I have a wonderful Dr and the nurse is just as wonderful and they have told me that at any time I can drive to their office and they can find the heartbeat to put my mind at ease. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, it is...until God asks you to trust Him.

Yikes.

I was spending some time in prayer this morning and I was thinking about how reassuring it would be to my heart to hear that little heartbeat again when I felt God speak to me "What do you expect to hear Holly?" I was silent. I should have automatically said that I expect to hear a heartbeat, but the truth is that I live scared that it might be gone. I live constantly battling the thoughts that it might have stopped. What if it stopped last night while I was sleeping? Because that's what my body does. See, medically I have absolutely no reason to hope. Medically speaking, my womb is a joke...and medically speaking it fails me all the time.

But, who's report will I choose to believe? And will I keep my faith and trust in medicine or in the God who breathed this life to begin with? And here I sit with tears stinging my eyes crying out to Him, "God I only wanted to hear the heartbeat again...just for reassurance." But if I have chosen to believe His report, and if I've chosen to keep my faith and trust in the Giver of Life, then why do I need to hear the heartbeat? Because in Jesus' name...the heart is still beating strong! I don't need a Dr. or a nurse or their doppler to reassure me of it. So I have decided to be obedient. I have a sudden change of plans and will not run up to hear the heartbeat after all. God is my source...His hand is upon this life and he will continue to breathe life. And I continue to trust Him and speak and confess life.

The battle between what I know to be true and what I fear might happen wages on. I pray that through spending time with Him daily that we will eventually get the upper hand and that I can learn to fully trust and rest in what I know to be true. I pray that the fear will continue to dissipate.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think on these things.

Psalm 126:5 So those who went off with heavy hearts will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing.

Father God, thank you for speaking to me this morning...even if you didn't let me have my own way. Sometimes I guess we all still need that. God I thank you for the life you've blessed us with. I pray that I can continue to allow you to just be God and handle everything for me. God, for the millionth time I lay my fears at your feet and I choose to think only on good things; only on things that are right and pure and lovely and of good report...God the things that are excellent and praiseworthy! And God, even though carrying this baby brings me happiness-it is not my source of Joy. Father God- YOU are my source of Joy! I love being your servant and I strive to please you God. Father forgive me and help my times of unbelief. Thank you Jesus for blessing us.

New Moran

Apparantly when I'm quiet for a while I've been up to something. And, it also appears that I can't keep a secret and post about anything else at all. Thus the long silence. This post is very hard for me to publish. I have been going around and around in my mind for weeks now about this, but I felt suddenly like there is no time like the present.

It appears there is going to be a New Moran...should be here by early June 2009!

For those of you who are not familiar with our history, Jason and I have had 4 miscarriages in the past 6 1/2 years. Growing our family has not come easily for us. In fact, it has been down right cruel most of the time. We have our beautiful 5 year old little girl, who is the absolute light of our lives. She has brought us much happiness throughout this very trying journey. We have always wanted a house full of kids, and for several years we thought that would be impossible. But, like we've always known...God is in control of this and every situation in our lives. He has allowed us the opportunity to become pregnant many times, but we've lost so many.

Our prayer is that this time is different. I am currently 11 1/2 weeks...this is farther than we've ever made it, except for with Bayli. I have always miscarried between 6-9 weeks. So, in our hearts and minds, we've crossed a major hurdle. Of course, we are not out of the woods, medically speaking, for another 2 weeks. But, we chose a long time ago to put our faith in God...so we have made a choice to believe that this life will make it to term. However, I must admit that my heart and mind constantly battle each other. What I know to be true vs what I fear might happen...it is a constant struggle. I have to constantly remain in prayer and have several scriptures that I've posted around me so that I can refer to them as necessary.

Please join us in praying for this little life. Please surround us in prayer as we go through this pregnancy. Medically, there are some issues that we are addressing in order to try to keep life going...I am on 2 shots of heparin daily in addition to a lot of oral medicine. To say that my body is tired and is going through a lot is an understatement. We've already been advised that if we are able to make it to term, this should be our last pregnancy. Even though that isn't our plan, we'll take it and we will consider ourselves blessed!

You might be asking how this affects the adoption. Well, it doesn't. We are still waiting and will likely be waiting for several more years. We are keeping up with our paperwork in order to keep everything current. So, we will welcome that baby with open arms when the time comes also.

Love you guys...all 2 of you who read and follow our journey. :) Please keep us in your prayers! We are beginning to allow ourselves to get a little excited. Please don't misunderstand that comment. Of course we are excited, but we tend to guard our hearts; but God has been faithful and the longer that things have progressed, the more we are able to relax a little and even begin to plan a little bit about the future.

Oh, one more thing, Bayli still does not know about this. We have decided to tell her on Christmas morning. I found a cute "Big Sister" shirt that we are going to wrap up, along with a few other big sister related items. We are going to give this gift to her that she has waited so very long for! It will be a very special Christmas indeed!

Enjoy the ultrasound pics below.

The pic on the left was at 11 weeks- the arms and legs were just beginning to bud. He looked like a little "Teddy Graham"! The one on the right was last Friday. In 2 short weeks the arms and legs have fully developed as well as hands and feet. If you look closely you can see the little hand up by the mouth! We are so blessed and Praise God for the work He is doing! Praise God for life!

5 Years Ago...

5 years ago today was the eve of my first and only (so far) child's birth.

5 years ago today I was still unaware of the power that 9 pounds could have on a family, on a household, on a marriage...on my heart.

5 years ago today I was still filled with wonder and uncertainty...mixed with a little bit of fear and trepidation.

5 years ago today I was not complete.

5 years ago today was the last day that my heart was my own and inside of my own body.

I wouldn't change a single thing about the last 5 years.

Happy Birthday (tomorrow) to my sweet baby girl!

My Promise

The past few days have been difficult for me. I'm not sure why...it appears that there is not always a specific reason. Some days the pendulum swings more on the emotional side. I guess that's just me...the way God made me. I have always been tenderhearted so it's easy for that side to take over. Tenderhearted is good and emotional is ok...but both need to have a balance...that's the part that I struggle with. The balance.

The other day I listened to a clip of a Steven Curtis Chapman interview. And of all of the many incredible things that he mentioned, one thing in particular really stuck out. He spoke about how they are "grieving with hope".

Wow! What an incredible statement.

If you have never really been at a place of grieving in your life, that statement might not mean a thing to you. But Jason and I have had many times during the past 6 years where we have had the opportunity to grieve. Sometimes we've grieved gracefully and other times not so much so. Until recently, I can honestly say that we never grieved with hope. We were very ugly and defeated in our grief. We were bitter and angry.

Grieving doesn't have to be simply due to loss of life; it can be the loss of a dream- or the loss of an idea or plan. For us it's been all of the above. The time when we felt that we were giving up on our dream of having more children, and trying to deal with the emotions that accompany that; that is the time where we grieved the hardest and were the most desperate.

Recently we have grieved, but with hope. Hope for our future. Hope for the children that God will bless us with; both biologically and through adoption. We are no longer going to think of ourselves as parents of an only child here on earth. We will have the house full of kids that we've always dreamed of...in God's perfect timing.

And when the pendulum swings too far to the side of emotional- I'll allow it as long as there is a balance. A balance that reminds me of our promise from our Loving Father. A promise that He knows the plans that He has for us...a plan for a hope and a future.

A balance that allows my heart to hurt when necessary...grieve when necessary; but that grieves with hope!

Psalm 126:5 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

(I love the message version...So those who planted their crops in despair will shout hurrahs at the harvest, So those who went off with heavy hearts will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing

I personally choose to believe and take that "armload of blessing" literally! I pray and believe for an armload of blessing...a little 9 pound blessing wrapped in a blanket washed in Dreft! With a little sweet head that smells like Johnson's Baby Magic.

Anyone choose to believe with me?

Until now the ACT was the longest test I'd ever taken...

Note to God...

God, I know that part of the fun of life is to make mistakes and then learn from them...and hopefully do a little better next time. However, this little test called adoption and trying to grow our family? This particular test seems a little hard...and I totally don't understand all of the rules.

So, God- for fear of being disqualified from this test and having to take a re-test...

My heart is confused. I am trying so hard to find a balance between being happy for those all around me who are getting the things that I want, without grieving too hard for my own losses and disappointments. God, please clarify- is it ok to be happy for others and still be sad for me? As long as I promise to keep my sadness to a minimum?

Because God, in all fairness and honesty, I just can't take another re-test. And God, my heart breaks today. But I will continue to serve you and love you with all of my heart. And I will continue to walk this very road...for as long as You want me to.

Home study update

This week we met with our social worker to update our Home Study. Our I600A expires at the end of this year- not to mention our fingerprints. How, can anyone explain to me, can your fingerprints expire? Regardless, we will have to make a trip to New Orleans one day in the next couple of months to re-do our fingerprints just to keep everything active and updated.

Current wait time for El Salvador? 28-30ish some odd months and counting. How many more times we'll have to do this? No telling.

I'm trying very hard to not get bitter about the process. We have been through so much, we've had to spill our guts to social workers, pychologists, had physicals, labs, etc. Had to wait for numerous reports to be written about us. We've had to PROVE that we are competent people and that we could offer a good home to a child. Meanwhile a good friend of mine has a 17 year old daughter that is pregnant that would have to go on welfare and state assitance if it woudn't be for her parents paying for everything. We, on the other hand, have to prove our net worth, prove our sanity, prove our competence, prove our IQ...need I go on?

And it's getting old. I'm tired of jumping through hoops. I'm ready for God to move already.

Sorry to be so cynical...just keepin' it real.

Bayli for President

Yesterday morning we were sitting on the couch trying to wake up and get ready for school. (The new schedule has been killer on all of us!) Jason had the TV on the morning news and they were showing clips and scenes from the controversy brewing between Russia and Georgia. There were clips of fighting, houses and buildings burning..."normal" war-type scenes. I didn't realize Bayli was paying attention, she was sort of zoned out, trying to clear the sleep from her eyes; but- it was obvious...this wasn't Noggin'.

Suddenly she perked up and said with much concern in her voice, "Mommy! What are they doing?" I began explaining to her that they weren't getting along, so instead of working it out they started to fight each other.

To which she replied, "Oh dear...I just don't think this is a good idea!" "I think we need to get all of these people, and bring them to my school. And Mrs. Allen will move their man to the sad face. Then they'll have to miss recess AND have to go to Mr. Veron's office! Then they'll stop fighting!"

I don't know about y'all, but I think that's one of the most concise, well thought out plans I've heard in a while!

Bayli for President!
Year 2048
She's got my vote

T minus 1 year and counting

Well, we officially made the 1 year mark since Dossier submission for our adoption. 1 year and counting...indefinitely. As far as our agency goes, so far they've only received 1 referral for El Salvador since the inception of this program. So, it appears that it will still be a long haul until we are on the other side of this.

Frustrated? Maybe. Disappointed? A little. Tired? Yeah.


Worth the wait? Absolutely!!


Father God, my arms are weary from holding them up during the battle. I'm so tired and frustrated and sad and hurt and just plain old ready to get somewhere already. I'm tired of seeing Bayli hurting for a sibling. I'm tired of just struggling to hold it all together. God I know you are still in control and you can still move mountains! We are in this for the long haul, unfortunately we didn't realize what "long haul" meant 18 months ago when we began this journey towards adoption. God I pray for your mighty hand to move and I thank you for being in control of our lives. I love you father and thank you for blessing us beyond measure!

Happy Anniversary

Just a quick little note to let everyone know that today is our 13th Year anniversary! In some ways it seems like yesterday and in other ways it seems like forever that we've been married. We've certainly had more than our fair share of rough times, but I feel like that's only made us stronger. I am certainly very blessed to have this wonderful person that God has given me the honor and priveledge of walking with, serving alongside and doing life with!

Happy Anniversary Jason!
Love...your pretty flower

Whisper my Name...

I've come to a conclusion recently...if this adoption never happens, and if God never opens my womb again, I am one blessed woman! I have a beautiful daughter, and if I do say so myself...God really outdid Himself when He created her! My heart has been so full recently! Joy unspeakable!

Every night the past few weeks, I sneak into her room at night and I curl up next to her and listen to her breathe. I pray blessings over her. And I seek God's guidance and wisdom in raising her. And I revel at her beauty as the moonlight peeks through her blinds and falls across her face. And I listen to her breathe some more. And I touch the soft skin on her arm. And I love every minute of it. And the dishes can wait, and the clothes can wait; but this can't. These moments are fleeting and I don't want to miss a single one.

Tonight as I was tucking her in bed, I told her my secret, about how I sneak into her room for a few minutes each night. To which she replied, "Mommy, tonight when you come to snuggle with me, can you just whisper my name so that I'll know you are there?"

So tonight, when I went to visit her in her dreams, I pushed aside my OCD fears of what if she wakes up, what if she can't get back to sleep? And I whispered her name as I settled in beside her. She stirred a little, rolled over right into the crook of my arm and then grabbed her thumb and started sucking away drifting off into another deep sleep...another sweet dream.

And as I lay there, thanking God for creating and blessing me with such an amazing creature, and praying blessings over her...the waterworks began to fall. It was late and the tears stung my eyes as they rolled down my cheeks and onto her pillow.

And I was reminded of the many times throughout my Christian walk, during the hard times when I feel so alone...the times that I ask God to please come visit me in my dreams late at night. And I ask Him to please just whisper my name so I know that He's there.

And He shows up. And He listens to me breathe. And He thinks that I'm a perfect and beautiful creation. And He loves me just the way that I am. And He curls up beside me and covers me with His blood and protects me. And He listens to me breathe some more. And He speaks life to me and to my circumstance. And He cares about my hurts and He bottles my tears. And He whispers my name...

Tonight I walked out of Bayli's room, and not only had I met my daughter in her dreams, but God met me and spoke to me in a very real way.

And the dishes are still there, and the clothes are still there. And I'm turning the light off and going to bed.

I'm going to wait for God to whisper my name so I know that He's there...


Face for Grace,
Holly

Praise Him in the Dance...

This is Bayli's first year in dance class. She absolutely loves it and her instructor tells me quite often that she is doing very well. She attends Divine Dance Academy here in town; all of the faculty and staff are Christians and everything they do is to christian music. Each and every week they open and close the class with group prayer and a devotional. I cannot say enough about Mrs. Cammie and the wonderful things that she is doing at Divine Dance...we have been so pleased and look forward to Praising Him through Dance at Divine Dance for many years to come...they are an answered prayer!

I say all of this as a prelude to some of the cutest pictures in the world. Wednesday afternoon was picture day for the upcoming recital. Her class has 2 of the most adorable outfits (1 for ballet and 1 for tap) so I let her pick out which costume she wanted to wear for her pictures. I brought my camera with me and snapped a few of my own pictures while waiting her turn in line.

I have to say, that as much as my heart longs and hurts for another child, I feel so utterly and completely blessed. It is my constant prayer of thanksgiving to God that if for some reason we were only to have 1 child in our earthly lives- the 1 that He chose to bless us with is the most completely wonderful, beautiful, precious little blessing that He ever could have created.

I love this little girl so much...

I've been quiet for a reason

I just wanted to check in to let everyone know that we are alive and well. There really has been a lot going on and although I've been quite transparent in previous posts, I'm finding it hard this time to share all of my thoughts and burdens. I'm totally still working on bringing my relationship with God to a new level and I've found much joy and fulfillment in laying my burdens at His feet. After all, He's so much more equipped to handle them anyway.

We are almost at the 9 month mark since Dossier submission. Good thing since the last update we received was that the current wait time is now 26+ months. The totally bazaar thing is that I'm ok with it. God had really prepared my heart for it before it even happened. It is a little humorous when you consider the fact that one of the main reasons we felt led to adoption is because we wanted a guarantee. Pregnancy has not been a guarantee for us in the past, so we felt sure that adoption would bring us a child...guaranteed. Now, I do know that God has given us a promise, therefore we will definitely still have biological children, and we will still get our Grayci too...when that will happen is totally out of our hands.

Guarantees? The only one that I can think of is that God sent His only Son to die for our sins, and if you accept Him as your Lord and Savior you can have an amazing eternity with Him. Guaranteed!

It's the only guarantee that I need...

Father God, whew...the roller coaster ride of a life time. I was so ill-equipped to handle this ride 14 months ago when it began. But, the ride is getting smoother. God, Jason and I are still longing for children to fill our home...siblings for Bayli...babies to rock and noses to wipe. God, my heart overflows with love and I'm longing to mother someone else. I know that You have the perfect plan, and I rejoice and praise you for that. I thank you for the promise that you gave us many years ago regarding the children that you will bring into our lives. You didn't say when- but I still trust that it will happen.

Face for Grace,
Holly

Hide and Seek: Version 2008

The other day, while picking Bayli up from school she informed me of something they will be doing at school next week. To say that it left me speechless, would be an understatement.

She went on to explain in great detail how her teacher had explained to the students that next week there would be a fire drill. But that they won't go outside. Instead they will stay inside and Mrs. Lanoux will secure all of the children either under or behind a table (I couldn't quite understand which one), then when all of the children are 'hidden' Mrs. Lanoux will race to the door to cover the glass- so that no one can see inside.

"We're just practicing mommy."

What are you practicing for sweets? Still not fully comprehending.

Well, Mrs. Lanoux said that we have to practice hiding...just in case a very bad, bad man might come to hurt us. We have to know how to hide- so that he can't find us.

Hide and Seek...Version 2008. That, my friends never occured in the classrooms that we grew up in. That is the frightening reality of having a child in school in 2008. And, apparently, there are no exceptions even in a private school.

Don't misunderstand me, IF some very bad man were to go to her school- I'd be very happy that she learned to hide in a way that she wouldn't be found. HOWEVER, just the thought of it, merely typing this, makes me sick to my stomach. I shudder to think of everything that goes on in this world that we live in.

Imagine what God thinks about all of it.

Father God, we pray for a hedge of protection around our children. I pray that angels watch over them while they are not in our care, whether it be at school or daycare. God, I'm all for planning...but we pray that this will only be a test- not a plan that will ever have to be implemented. God, wrap your loving arms around our children and keep them from harm.

Face for Grace,
Holly

Eating my Lunch

It's been longer than I'd like to admit since the last time I've posted. I really can't even begin to think up a good excuse- other than we're just plain busy and I haven't really felt like it. I can manage to read blogs and keep up with other people; I just can't seem to find the time to write anything of my own.

Regardless, my little pity party that I've written about before continued well into January. I've been telling myself that I deserve it- we've been through a lot of heartbreak- so I'm certainly justified in my pity party throwing. However, during the last 10-15 days or so God has just ate my lunch.

It all began with a reluctant participation in our church's annual new year's fast. And also with a commitment to join our church in reading the Bible through in year. Both, I must say, have been life changing...God has honored my commitments- even though I was reluctant at the start. I am normally quite legalistic by nature- planning my fast very carefully. This year I was very open and obedient to what God wanted me to do, daily. Everything changed constantly. It really was a good thing, because I visited a side of me that I really didn't know existed. The side that could let God be in control- of everything- down to every morsel of food I put into, or didn't put into- my mouth...for 10 days. It was a very good thing.

Somewhere around day 5 or 6 of this 10 day fast, I began to weep- literally uncontrollably at times...for days on end. There were times that I cried so hard and so deep I couldn't stand, drive, think or function. I just cried- deep cleansing crying for days. And it felt good. So much hurt was purged, a lot of pain surfaced and I was actually able to make a few steps forward for the first time in a long time. I'm not certain, but I think I may have grieved a little. My marriage was strengthened, we had some issues that we've both been putting off discussing that have now been dealt with and a few important desisions have been made. For all of this I truly am blessed.

I have to also share my excitement over the reading plan to read the Bible through this year. Scripture that I've read time and time before now just jumps off the page and speaks to me in ways that it never has before. I used to struggle to understand things, but this time it's so different. And I am so grateful for it. God and I are meeting daily- and that goes without saying as being life changing.

I am also on a personal journey to joy. I've discussed this before many months ago in a previous post. I really thought I'd caught hold of something at the time. But, it appears it will be a daily thing for a while...something I'll need to work on. To stay happy and joyful. Isn't that sad? It's horrible to be at a place of such longing and dissatisfaction with how your life is. One night during the fast Jason and I knelt and held hands together in prayer in the sanctuary of our church and, between sobs, I confessed to him and God that I didn't want to miss another minute of my life because I was consumed with what I don't have right now. I want to be happy right now. If you are a planner and a goal setter, sometimes you can be your own worst enemy because you "wish away" the present. I can think back over most of my adult life and clearly remember exactly what the next phase of life would be...and that whenever that next phase came, then I'd be happy. But the happiness was fleeting. When we were dating, it was always "when we're married..."; then when we were in our mobile home, it was always "when we get a house...'; then it was "when we have kids...". I've spent the last 15 years wishing away the present trying to plan and figure out the future. Because certainly then I'll be happy. Enough! I'm not saying that I'm not blessed, because I KNOW that I am blessed. And I'm not saying that I'm a stick in the mud- because I always have fun. I'm talking about deep down joy that cannot be shaken, changed or stolen...because it is God-given. I have to tell you that I've been praying fervently for God to reveal something to me- I want some sort of pill to take or a book to read with a few simple steps to follow to finding joy. But, it doesn't exist. Sure, there's the Bible and it's full of a ton of things to help you find joy. But, just like the magic pill that I want, or even the self help book- you have to ingest it...daily! You can't set a pill on your nightstand and expect it to cure you- you've got to ingest it- and it has to go through your bloodstream and be digested and absorbed by all of your organs. It's the same for God's word. You have to let it seep into your organs and bloodstream. You have to apply it- and let it do it's magic. It's life changing...but you have to allow it to work.

The thing is, truely meeting God is starting to work. I had no doubts that it would- it's just crucifying the flesh and taking the time. Every day I am making the time...and God and I are meeting. And He is speaking to me. And the joy and contentment are slowly showing up, I'm noticing it in little ways. I was able to sit in the pediatricians office today and play with a 7 month old baby sitting beside us. I was able to do that without having to run to the bathroom and cry after. I truly was happy to see a happy baby that wasn't mine. I still longed for a baby...and I thanked God for the babies that are still to come into our lives. Instead of the woe is me I made a decision to choose to look at the positive...just like I made a decision to choose to meet God this morning before I started my day.

It truly is life changing stuff.

Face for Grace,
Holly

PS- it's officially been 6 months since we submitted our Dossier! How time flies when you've having a pity party!

Ok God, I Hear You

So, as I'm sure you are aware of, from reading my past several posts...I'm a little down. I'm trying with all of my might to not be. But, it's been really, really hard for us. It's a tad overwhelming to go through all that we've been going through, on top of being in ministry (that can be very draining if you aren't filling up constantly), on top of working outside of the home- in conjunction with the ministry and adoption and the Holidays...add it all together and combine a little dose of fear with my brother being in Iraq. When you sum it all up- life is just a little hard to live right now. I am very transparent and have no reason to hide things from anyone. The truth of the matter is, if I'm not careful I could stay in my pj's every day and hide out....I didn't realize how susceptible I am to depression- I've never really been at this place before.

Today I've been working on cleaning out my office at home. It's totally another post for another day- to say the least. One of my goals for the new year is to simplify things. I'm very organized by nature- but simple I'm not. I've got to purge some things. From my heart, from my mind and from under our roof. It's amazing how you can accumulate things and not notice it when you are organized and can find a place for everything to where it fits nice, neat and tidy. But, I've decided to simplify- lighten the load. This will not be a natural thing for me...I'll have to work hard at it this year- but I feel that it'll be worth it in the long run.

So, back to the story at hand. I've been cleaning out my office and I came across some stuff in a pile of scrapbooking paraphernalia. As I was digging through the pile and pitching stuff with a vengeance, I came across a little footprint and hand print of Bayli's from when she was about 4 months old. I took a picture of her every month on her "birthday" and stamped her footprint so that I could compare how it grew. I tried every month to stamp her hand print also- but you know how babies clench their little fists- I always ended up with a smudged little mess of ink, but this month I had gotten it perfectly. It went so well I made 2 that month. Which explains why one is in her album and one was in this stack. But seeing that little bitty 2-3 inch big footprint and little bitty handprint took my breath away. The next thing in the stack was a picture of her at that age...in all of her sweet baby goodness.

My heart breaks.

Then as I'm silently screaming at God in my mind- "God! Are you listening!! Why oh why is all of this happening this way?! Have we heard from you? Are we supposed to be on this path? Are we on the right path? I don't like this path! It seems so lonely and so forelorn! Hello!!! ... Are you listening?? You promised me that we would have children...that the fruit of my womb would be blessed!"

Then the next thing in the stack, oddly enough and very out of place, is a Christmas card that my Dad sent to us years ago. And the verse on it reads: "Every promise from God shall surely come true" Luke 1:37

Ok, God- so you are listening. I'm listening too. And I love you with all of my heart. I'd rather be on no other path than this seemingly unending one...because I know that you are right there with me, always. And that you always make good on your promises...always!

Face for Grace,
Holly

Wow! Another post!

Yes, we're alive and well. Sorry for the delay in posting. It's hard to explain, but it seems like posting is such a lot of work for me recently. I think of things that I need to BLOG, but when it comes down to it, I just don't feel like it.

And, the truth is, this Christmas has been very hard for us. I really thought things would be easier this year, but the fact of the matter is- it's another year without another baby. We had a wonderful time with Bayli, but there is something missing in our hearts and in our home. Not to mention that we should have a 5 month old right now. I also remember sitting at my Mother in Laws table last Christmas, we had only told a few people that we'd mailed off our adoption application because I was afraid they would think we were acting on impulse from the last miscarriage. But,at that time, the wait time was only 11 months from Dossier submission. I remember thinking that if I could only make it until this Christmas, we'd be right around the corner from getting a baby. There was this mental little timeline thing...and this Christmas was a major milestone. Well, now we'll be lucky to get her by next Christmas. I realize that's only another year. But, not having that hope this year made things sting a little bit more.

So as to not leave things on a sad note. I will say that one of the highlights of our holiday was running into my friend Amanda at the mall this past weekend. She had Bella with her. And, she is just a doll! My heart was about to explode just looking at her! I couldn't wait to hold her! Which, from reading this post, you'll see that has been an issue with me. The next morning, Jason asked me why I was able to hold Bella so willingly, but can't hold my own niece. The only way that I could describe it was that she didn't remind me at all of what I've lost...only she gave me such hope for what is to come! It really did my heart good to see them both.

God, my heart hurts, a lot. I pray for all the orphans in the world, but especially for the orphan that is to become our child. God, bless her and keep her safe. I pray that you move the mountain that is standing between us! Jason gets mad because he thinks I'm not fighting enough, but I don't know how to fight this one. It's all up to you God...I pray for favor in this situation and in our finances- especially regarding the adoption. I pray for good things to come!


Face for Grace,
Holly

'Fore'heads are better than one

I know you must be thinking that my title is incorrect. The old saying is actually 3 heads are better than one. However, in the mind of an adorably witty 4 year old...things are a little different.

The other day I was stealing some kisses from miss Bayli. Every now and then she gives me a hard time and pretends that she doesnt love to be showered with kisses...even though we know better than that. Anyway, she was giggling and laughing and trying to play hard to get. All of sudden she pointed to her forehead and asked me to "Kiss me right here Mommy." So I obliged. Then she asked me "What is this thing called again?" (still pointing to her forehead) I answered that it was called her forehead. Her face lit up with excitement and she got a huge smile on her face and quickly responded excitedly, "Next year it'll be my fivehead?!" And then she took off running into the living room, leaving me cracking up laughing, to kiss her Daddy on the forehead and loudly proclaim, "I kiss you on your thirty-threehead Daddy!"

Is that cute or what?


Face for Grace,
Holly

The Powers that "B"

When Bayli was about 18 months old she named her favorite blanket her "B". To be totally honest with you, we didn't even realize it was her favorite until she named it. The blanket came in a set with a little outfit, matching hat, socks and complete with the bib. It was precious and was one of my favorite shower gifts, given to me by my friend from high school, Brandi and her husband Gered. Of course she outgrew the little outfit when she was about 4 or 5 months old, and I packed it away for safe keeping. But the blanket stayed out. We had 2 or 3 blankets that we alternated; for swaddling when she was an infant, and for covering her up with as she got older. Apparently some where along the way, she picked a favorite...and she named it her "B".

"B" is still very much with us today. We don't allow her to drag it along like Lionus on Charlie Brown, but she probably would if we'd let her. She loves that blanket. Recently I was looking back at the scrapbooks that I've done since she was born. And I was amazed to see how many pictures has "B" in them. I wrapped her in it on her trip home from the hospital. I covered her with it on her first trip to the pediatrician. I also have a picture of her covered with it when she was about 6 weeks old and we were going to take her Christmas pictures. It has accompanied her on trips to Pennsylvania, Florida and Tennessee. Not to mention that it has comforted her during many ear infections, stomach viruses, 3 sets of tubes, an adenoidectomy, tonsilectomy and even a 3 day hospital stay this spring.

When I was pregnant last year, we were cautiously optimistic. I would love to say that we were just down right excited without a care or fearful thought in the world. However, that just wasn't the case. The day before Thanksgiving last year we had the first Ultrasound that showed a very strong heartbeat. Whew! We had made it past another hurdle in the pregnancy. The day after Thanksgiving we went Christmas shopping. I allowed myself to get a little excited and I bought a "B" for the baby. We didn't want to know what we were having, so I bought this soft baby green one. I love that baby green...so sweet. I kept that "B" on my nightstand so that it was the last thing I'd see at night and the first thing I'd see every morning. I wanted the sight of it to bring me to a place of excitement. I'll never forget walking into my bedroom after we got home from the hospital after my D&C...seeing that blanket on my nightstand. All that I could do was hold it and cry...thinking of the baby that this "B" would not swaddle. Jason put it away the next day.

The other day we were shopping for our trip to Tennessee and we went into Carter's to get Bayli a few things. We were looking around and suddenly Bayli said, "Mommy, I think we need to buy Grayci a "B"...she's going to need one you know." At first I hesitated because I hate to begin getting my hopes up, knowing that from the information that they're giving us that it'll likely be another year before we get her. But then I thought about it. I thought about the lifetime that we'll have Grayci as our daughter. And in the scheme of things, 1 year isn't really that long...especially if it's God's perfect timing. And I decided to stop guarding my heart so much, that it'll never heal if I don't deal with these things.

So, we bought a "B"...

It's hanging in my closet, and every day I look at it and think of the little life that it will be a part of. The sweet body that it'll cover at night. Maybe she'll feel the seam around the edges like Bayli does, or maybe she'll touch her face with the softness, or maybe she'll want to cuddle with it when she skins her knee, or maybe she won't be a blanket girl after all, but it's ok. Because what that "B" represents is so much more to me than the pretty floral fabric and seam around the edges...the softness of that blanket- it softens my heart a little more. It's a little bit of hope for my continually broken heart.

It's a reminder of what good things are still to come for us...

Face for Grace, Holly

Look...a new post!

Well, I didn't realize quite how long it's been since I've posted anything. We're here, just not blogging much. We are getting ready for some exciting Thanksgiving fun with family. It's hard to believe that the holidays are already here! Time really is moving quickly.

We just made our 4 month birthday...into the waiting game, that is. However, we just found out that our "Gestation Period" is lengthening some. During the 11 months that we've been on this journey we've gone from 15-18 months total processing time, from application through to referral, to now having a wait time of 12-18 months from Dossier submission. For those of you who don't have a clue about international adoption, basically this means that where we originally thought we'd get Gracie around March of '08, then it was more realistically June/July of '08..now we're looking at Dec of '08 or Jan of '09! A whole year from now! Which makes our total process just over 2 years total! When we first got this news, it was upsetting but really didn't shock me much. There had been no referrals coming out, so I had a hunch that they were going to push things back a tad. But when you've come this far, there's really such a peace. Even though the waiting stinks, I have a peace that it's just all in God's timing. The only time that I get antsy at all is when I take things on myself, and don't let God drive.

Our adoption coordinator has asked us to have all of our friends and family continue to pray for the government of El Salvador...they just are not in a hurry to process these applications. I would ask for all of you to pray for us as we continue to wait. Wait on the adoption, and wait on God. I know that He can move these mountains.

Father God, help us and keep us strong as we continue to wait in the process of growing our family. It gets hard when my mind keeps telling me that we're wasting time. Then my heart keeps telling me that we're right on time in your will. The battle between my heart and my mind is a tough one! God I continue to surrender to you and your will in this situation. You will be our rock and our strength and our joy!

Face for Grace,
Holly

God made Everything...even thumbs

Back before I had a child, you know in the day when I knew everything, I was determined that my child would never "get used" to needing a pacifier, and I would most certainly not have a thumb-sucking child. Heaven's no!

Then came the early days of sleepless nights, sleepless days...and general sleeplessness. And, my oh my the crying. Everyone in the house did a whole lot of crying those first few weeks, but Bayli took the cake. We became desperate, we tried everything, spending probably close to $100 trying to find a pacifier the child would take. We shoved everything in her mouth in an attempt to get her to suck it...we put her thumb, her fingers, her whole fist...possibly even a foot on occasion. Anything to end the crying and to get her to stop the incessant crying. All to no avail.

Somehow we all made it through, and fastforwarding about 6 months; one day we watched her study her hands for quite some time. Then all of a sudden she put her right thumb in her mouth and the rest is history.

And, for someone who did not want a thumb sucking child, I must say...it melted my heart. I still think it's one of the most precious sights in the world...watching a sleepy baby sucking their thumb as they drift off to a peaceful sleep. We knew that we should stop it then, but she was a baby, and it was so cute...so we let it ride. All the while in the back of my mind I kept telling myself that we'll break it when she's about 2. That should be simple enough.

On Bayli's 2nd birthday, I was just 2 weeks past learning we'd lost our 2nd baby. It was a hard time, and she was still a baby herself, so I decided we'd let it go a little longer. After all, she was growing so much and so fast every day, this kept her more of a baby. We decided that it was ok for her to suck her thumb only while sleeping for naps and bedtime. Any other time we'd find her sucking it, we'd make her stop. For some reason I kept thinking that 4 years old was my cut off. 4 is the limit, too old to keep sucking your thumb.

Now she's 4. And she's my only baby still...And, it still melts my heart, and I still think it's sweet, and she only does it for about the first 15 minutes of sleep. But I know it's time. And the dentist confirmed it at her last appointment.

She's been asking for a pink ballerina room. So, we figured that might be some good ammunition to work with. We'll encourage her to stop sucking her thumb and when she masters it completely, we'll give her the pink ballerina room of her choice.

She went along with the plans quite nicely for the entire first day of the "new plan". We even went to Lowe's to pick out some paint chips, just for some tangible incentive. But as bedtime approached she started crawfishing big-time. And as I tucked her in that night, I prayed with her that God would give her strength to help beat this habit. And I prayed scripture over her, "Bayli can do all things through Christ who strengthens her!" It was looking good, until she turned over and said, "Mommy, in Club Faith we learned that God made everything." Stupid Mommy, not even realizing I'm being set up here, pipes up with "That's right honey...God did make everything. And He made all things good and perfect." So, my 4 year old, that's going on 14 replies, "Yes, Mommy...even thumbs. God made thumbs...and they're good. So I'm going to keep sucking mine until I'm older. We'll just wait on the pink room, ok?"

Now, what do you do with that my friends?

Can we talk?

*Disclaimer...if you do not want a glimpse into the reality and transparency of me...what's really going on inside me...please move on and do not continue reading.

And, I ask that you please do not judge me for being real.*

I remember the day clearly. 2 weeks after the loss...still trying desperately to pull myself together. Something was said to us that just should not have been. And right then and there I subconciously decided that the grieving process was stopping, even though I had not dealt with a thing...I had not accomplished a thing aside from crying for 2 weeks. I carefully chose my bricks and firmly planted them in the fashion of a wall. It's quite lovely, ivy growing on it, pretty flowers. All covered up. Disguised quite nicely. You have to look very carefully to even realize that there is indeed a wall there. But it's holding back the river of healing that so desperately needs to take place...that I want to take place. I want to be free from the weight of this wall, and free from the hurt and the pain that it's hiding. I also know that God wants me to be free from it all...it is not His will for me...

I am going out on a limb here, and might end up regretting it. But, I have realized over the course of the past several weeks that I am not totally healed, mended, whole, whatever from the course of events that we've been dealt over the past 6 years of life. I'm not sure why I thought I was ok, I guess because I've managed to do what I do best...get busy and get things done.

I've set some goals, and accomplished them. I've taken on new projects, and most are nearing completion, if not totally finished. I've implemented some systems and have an entire legal page filled with an on-going to-do list. But, no where on the list is there an entry 'take care of Holly'.

The day I learned we lost the last baby I started clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth, severely. I thought it would let up after some time had passed. Well, 10 months has passed and I'm still crying myself to sleep most nights and I'm still waking up with splinters of plastic in my mouth from grinding my splint so badly. I wake myself up several times in the middle of the night because I'm grinding so badly and I can't stop. My shoulder is swelling off and on and I've been having odd chest muscle pain, all from grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw. It's now to the point that my Dentist is totally worried about the long-term damage and, he's totally frustrated because he can't do anything more to help me stop.

Let me stop right here and admit...I am totally defeated in this area...and I'm mad about it.

See, I am smart enough to know there is a bigger problem here. One that can't be solved by getting my splint adjusted. And I'm mad at myself that I can't get to the root of the problem, spiritually speaking. I know this is an attack, and I know that I should be prepared to fight. However, it appears that I'm not. And that makes me mad. I've been saved, and have been full-steam ahead, on-fire for God for 14 years...I should not be battling with this- I should be able to lick this; but it appears that I'm too tired. I'm too tired from keeping myself so busy so that I won't have to think about it or deal with it at all.

My question is, how can you live life and deal with a huge major life thing...how do you heal from 6 years of repeated hurt, suffering, disappointment, grief and loss? When the only way you've ever known to "deal" with something is to stay busy? To not think? To remain numb? It's just the easiest thing to do...dealing with it takes too much time. I'm OCD, I'm pretty sure that's well documented. So, really and truly, how does one go about managing work, home, dishes, supper, meal-planning, grocery store, not to mention bathing, brushing teeth, etc AND take the time to heal and learn to be ok with something that has totally rocked me to the core? Am I analyzing too much? I'm sort of an all or nothing sort of gal, dealing with bits and pieces at a time so that by the time I'm 52 I have this whole thing worked out just isn't good enough for me. How do I get past the hurt for longer than a few days without it festering back up again? How do I get to the point where I can have a conversation with a friend from High School and explain why it is that we only have one child, without getting angry? When does that come? When does the pain stop?

What I've done up until this point is just went on with life, still praying, reading my Bible, spending time with God...hoping that my emotions will catch up with my mind and my body. But it hasn't totally worked yet. It's too much surface stuff...I need to go deeper somehow. Get to the heart of the matter...but who wants to do that...honestly?

Because apparently the easiest way is not always the best way. Because this stuff that you haven't dealt with begins to seep out of your pores in every area of your life. It limits you. And I don't want to be limited, because I serve a God without limits and boundaries.

I don't want to sound like I'm going off the deep end. I know that my life is in God's hand. And I know that He will continue to sustain me. I'm just hurting still, and I don't know how to stop. I'm tired of just coping, because I know that God has more than that for me. And, I'm just being honest. I am not one to put on a show or put on a front...I'm real. And this is the real me right now...thank you Jesus that you are there to rescue me!

Father God, I know that you already know everything about me. You know how badly I'm hurting...you see it and you want me to give it to you. I know that, I just have to do it. God, there are times when the pain is so overwhelming.......it takes my breath away. God, help me. I don't even know what to pray anymore...or how to pray...but You know God. You know. Thank you for loving me...even when I'm in a funk like this. God, heal my broken heart. Father God, I spoke to a friend the other day and mentioned that maybe it's a good thing that we still have this wait time ahead of us...maybe me and You can get some "stuff" worked out. I love you so much God, and all I want is to serve you with my whole heart. And I know that my whole heart isn't available right now b/c of this hurt over the losses and also the words that were spoken. God, those words hurt worse and have done more damage. Help me try to work past that, to forgive that person. God, this is it, all laid out on the line. Tell me the next step, please show me. I can't live like this any more.

Face for Grace,

Holly