A Hidden Jewel

A few days ago my sweet little girl got into the car with a huge grin on her face. She had a surprise for me hiding in her pocket. Since we were in the car pool line, I told her that I would love to see it as soon as we got home.

So, we walk through the door, and with a big smile she produces my prize.

The picture isn't the best, but it's a little heart shaped candy. She found it on the playground during recess. It was full of dirt, so she cleaned it with her spit. Now it's shiny and good as new! And it made her think of me. She kept it in her pocket all day, keeping it safe for me.

Who said motherhood is not a paid job? Because, my friends, little gifts and tokens like these are priceless, irreplacable jewels! This little beauty has a place of honor on the window sill by my kitchen window. Every day when I'm washing up some dishes I think about that little smile, or the sweet little girl who took the time to spit shine it for me!

Funny, when you think about it, we were taken from the mirey clay too. But now we have a place of honor. We all once were hidden jewels, now we can shine for all the world to see!

For Her

I lay in bed this morning thinking of a sweet little girl; who incidentally, was lying in the crook of my arm.  This sweet little girl is about to have the only world she's ever known rocked to the core.  She's also about to experience the greatest joy- and something that she's asked for since she learned to speak.

I remember very clearly the times that she was barely a few feet tall- yet begging for a little sister or brother.  I remember very clearly her asking why she couldn't have one.  I remember my overwhelming feelings of inadequacy when we were struggling through those couple of years of unexplained infertility.  When pregnancy had come so easily before, yet now just couldn't happen.  And I would spend many of hours crying, pouring my heart out to the Lord, like Hannah.  Praying that He would hear my prayers and answer them.  And that little intuitive spirit, in that tiny 3 year old little body... wise beyond her years.  One day as the tears stained my cheeks she looked up from the TV, came over and wiped my eyes and said, "Mommy, I know why your heart hurts today.  Because you want a baby and you can't have one."  I was awestruck as I was very careful not to ever say anything in front of her to indicate there was a problem.  

Still, she continued to ask.  And we had to come to terms with the fact that it might just be that for some unknown reason a sibling would be the one thing on this earth that we wouldn't be able to give to her.  

I never wanted to be the mother of an only child.  I never wanted her to grow up alone.  My heart would ache.  With every milestone, every new thing she learned to do; everything that should have been celebrated, was only celebrated superficially.  Deep down inside I grieved her growing up.  The only baby that I was able to bring to this earth was growing up before our very eyes and I just couldn't stand it.

I remember the months of unsuccessful fertility treatments.  The crazy hormones.  The times that my patience was way too thin for such a sweet little girl.  With each and every unsuccessful round of treatment- hopes dashed yet again.  My heart was filled with such grief, yet so much love for the one that I had been blessed with, the one that was so sweet and perfect, the one that kept asking for a sibling to love and to play with... for her.

Then, finally!  Success!  The positive pregnancy test!  We never hesitated to tell her the news!  That finally- we were going to be able to grant her greatest wish!  The sibling that she desired for so long was finally on it's way.  It never even dawned on us to guard her little heart, even though we had already had 2 miscarriages at this point.  Certainly after 15 months of trying this one would work!  We talked about baby things, and baby names... and she was over the moon with excitement for this little sibling that she had been desiring!  She was going to be the Big Sister!  

The strong lab results, the strong heartbeat, the beautiful ultrasound image.  Followed by pain.  A life too short, taken from us again.  But this time it was different.  It didn't just hurt me, and it didn't just hurt Jason, it hurt her.  We thought that since she had just turned 3 years old that she might just forget about the baby if we stopped talking about it.  Not this girl, not the one with the memory like an elephant.  She remembered, and remembered well.  Daily she spoke of the baby with such excitement, unknowingly pouring salt into my seeping wounds.  One day out of the blue, that all too smart little mind finally caught on to what was happening.  Out of the blue she said, "Mommy, do you have a baby in your belly or what?"  I was rendered speechless yet again.  Her beautiful blue eyes piercing mine, waiting patiently for a response.  We had already decided upon adoption, so we lovingly told her what we should have shared with her a few weeks ago.  That the baby we all had wanted for so long was gone.  It was in Heaven with Jesus.  

Yes, sweetheart, I know that you wanted it here.  So did we.  My grief was so strong I could hardly comfort her.

For her.  The one who, still to this day, has a helium balloon for a day or so, then decides to let it go to fly up to heaven for Jesus and for her sibling that she wanted so badly.  

For her.  The one who quietly sat in the backseat with tears streaming down her face and chin quivering as we left the hospital when visiting her new cousin 18 months ago.  She spoke up finally, with voice trembling, and said, "But... Mommy and Daddy...I wanted us to be the ones who were so excited!  I wanted us to be the ones to have the new baby to hold!"

My resolve had worn out years ago.  I was weary from this fight known as infertility and miscarriage.  My arms were tired from holding them up during the battle.  My heart was shattered one too many times.  I had decided that I was going to just love Jesus and trust Him.  And that regardless if He ever decided to bless my womb again, or if He ever decided to grace my arms with the warmth of a newborn little life that was my own... I was going to serve Him and love Him and praise Him.  Regardless of the outcome of it all.  After all, He had already done so much.

But, for her.  I just couldn't stop myself from trying again to give her the sibling that she wanted, the child that of course we wanted too.  

The sweet tender spirit who talks to my belly, then listens in my mouth waiting to hear the baby speak.  The sweet little girl who can't keep her hands off of my growing belly.  The one who tells me how beautiful I look every day.  The one who prays for me and for this little life without any prompting.

For her... my firstborn, my love, my heart.

25 Weeks

My heart is smiling.  That is the only way to describe the joy that I am feeling right now.  This little life is moving constantly.  He or she is now kicking so strongly you can watch my belly move!  It is such an unbelievable feeling.  And as difficult as this pregnancy is for me, I am still so very blessed and honored that God has allowed me this opportunity.  And it is an opportunity that I absolutely refuse to take for granted.

Also, let me apologize for sounding so whiny last week when I bore my soul about the gestational diabetes issues.  Whenever life hands me lemons it usually takes me a week or so to figure out how to make the darn lemonade.  That just seems to be how I roll.  Things are much better now.  I had a small problem this morning where after breakfast my blood sugar was 185 instead of 120 or below- but I think I've figured out the problem and aside from that I'm doing well.  I have only had 2 times this week where my fasting blood sugar has been at the right level, so I have spoken to the nutritionist and she has me logging all of my food so they can analyze the problem to see if I need to be on medication at night.  I certainly hope that we can figure it out.  I REALLY do not want to take any more medication.  I have to tell you that after I vented last week and got all of my frustrations out, I was able to think a little more clearly and I simply made the decision to speak life to this situation.  It has made all of the difference in the world.  My attitude is better and God is able to move through it.

Last night a friend of mine blessed me with two sweet little onesies!  Since we aren't finding out what we are having I've been panicking a little bit because it is SO hard to find neutral things.  And I don't want a ton of neutral things because we have so much little girl stuff if it's a girl, and if it's a boy I want to be able to buy a bunch of sweet boy things.  But- the child will need some clothes in the hospital- clothes that are washed and ready to go!  So I was so excited to receive my first baby gift last night!  It really hit me...we are going to have a baby!  And it's going to be either a boy or a girl!  And he or she will inhabit our house and our hearts!  How blessed we are!

I know this is short and sweet, and rather boring too- but I just wanted to check in to say that I am doing so much better.  My heart is smiling, my belly is swelling and I just love every minute of it!  Y'all have a wonderful weekend!

PS- did I mention that I'm 25 weeks?!

Emotions on the loose

It's no surprise to those that have known me for a while that I am an emotional girl.  I have always been very sensitive and have always worn my heart on my sleeve (Is that the correct phrase?) 

But Lordy Mercy!  The hormones, they are ragin'!  And the tears- sheesh- they know no boundaries!!!  The bad thing is that I'm crying over nothing at all, and it's totally the 'ugly cry'.  This has been going on for the better part of a week or so.  And I'm ready to try to get a handle on it already.  Part of me thinks it has something to do with these blood sugar issues that I've been dealing with.  The other part of me thinks I'm just a freak.  Not sure which is true.

I have been having a very rough time getting the glucose junk under control.  It's a lot harder than I thought.  It's taking a lot of self control and discipline, but even more planning and preparation than I have time or energy to deal with.  I am trying so very hard, but even giving it my best efforts I'm still failing miserably.  I have been testing my blood sugar 4 times per day for the past 7 days.  Out of those 28 times, my blood sugar was high 14 times!  Everyone has told me that it takes a couple of weeks, but I am very frustrated right now.  I am only getting the desired results 50% of the time, even though I am doing things right 100% of the time!  See, in the back of my head I keep thinking that if I'm going to try this hard and work this hard and my blood sugar is still going to be high then I might as well just have fun and forget about it and just eat what I really want to eat and forget the stupid diet.  But I am such a rule follower, and I'm totally stressing myself out over it.  And I don't want to do anything to harm this baby.

This is why I think my hormonal outbursts are due to the stress of this situation.  Not to mention that whenever my blood sugar is high I just don't feel very well.  It just makes everything right for a good cry.

But I am determined to not let the devil steal my joy.  We have prayed for this pregnancy and we have fought for this pregnancy!  I am determined to not let this trial over shadow the joy that lies within.  

As I sat doing my quiet time today I asked God for His help in this situation for the first time this week.  Isn't it crazy that I would all but kill myself trying to figure this out on my own and it wouldn't even dawn on me to ask Jesus to help me?  Knowing He's been wanting to help me all along.  So, now at the top of my prayers and petitions each day will be asking God to guide me and direct me with every food choice, measurement and craving throughout the day.  After all, if He can help Barb do this; He can certainly help me!

Just to make things fun...

So, it appears that I am borderline gestational diabetic.  I was borderline when I was pregnant with Bayli, but way back then in the stone ages 5 years ago they didn't do anything about it. Apparently now when you are borderline all sorts of flashing lights and sirens go off and you are treated exactly as if you had failed the test 100%.  

I met with the dietician Thursday to learn how to try to control my blood sugar through diet.  I also met with a nurse to learn how to check my blood sugar.  Currently I am monitoring my blood sugar 4 times per day.

Can I stop now and whine just a little bit?

Good.  Because I know that I have wanted this pregnancy for a very long time, but it's just daily becoming a more and more difficult pregnancy.  I am very excited and super blessed...but I'm tired of the drama.  Honestly, I knew several miscarriages ago that I would never just "have a baby" I would always be considered high risk, and that I would never ever have a normal pregnancy.  But I did not expect this to happen in addition to all of the other stuff we've been dealing with.

However, the nurse explained to me in great detail that when my body can't tolerate or absorb the sugars properly it goes straight to the baby, mainly in the form of extra pounds.  Simply put, it just really isn't healthy for the baby.  And considering that all that I've prayed for is a healthy baby, then I have simply resolved  to suck it up and do whatever needs to be done to bring a healthy baby into the world.    

And honestly the diet isn't too bad.  I really haven't been craving sweets all that much.  My problem is that I love fresh fruits.  So, my excess sugar is coming from fruits and other carbs; like pasta and baked potatoes.  I haven't just been overloading on junk food.  But now I can't just grab an apple or a handful of grapes like I'm used to.  So it's taking a little bit of discipline. But, since the beginning of the pregnancy I've lost 22 pounds because I was so sick.  I've been joking all along that I would be the first pregnant woman in history to deliver a baby weighing less than when she got pregnant.  I guess God heard me and decided to help me out a little bit! :)

I also have been having quite a bit of pain due to my sciatic nerve.  Never knew that thing existed until a few weeks ago.  Luckily it only comes and goes, I know some people who suffer with it constantly- mine usually only bothers me 4-5 days out of the week.  The problem is, since I'm only 23 weeks, and it's been bothering me since about 18 weeks, they are afraid it might only get worse as time goes on.  So I am going to a physical therapist tomorrow to learn some exercises that I can do to relieve the pain.

On a happy note, we went Monday to the perinatologist for another ultrasound and to my regular appointment with my OB.  We got another great report from both Doctors.  (The ultrasound showed the baby as weighing 6 ounces larger than normal, but hopefully getting the insulin thing under control will help keep the baby's weight under control as well. ) Bayli was with us and she was so excited to see the baby on the screen.  She kept pointing out that she could see the heart "beeping".  She is so cute and so curious right now about everything baby related.  She always asks things like, "Mommy, does the baby know that we are watching Max and Ruby right now?" Or "Mommy, does the baby know that you just washed my hair?"  Too sweet!  My favorite still is when she talks to my belly, then listens in my mouth to 'hear the baby answer her'... how cute is that?

Well, that is the long recap of "New Moran- 23 week Update".  I am a little bummed about some things, but I will make it through this as well.  I just keep trying to remind myself of the old saying that when you have an easy pregnancy you have a difficult delivery, and when you have a hard pregnancy you usually have an easy delivery.  I am hoping to cash in on that one!  At least it's something to look forward to.  Regardless, when I was talking to my OB, and was very upset about the 'borderline gestational diabetes' thing; I told her...I just want one normal thing!  Just one thing!  And she gently reminded me, "Your baby."  And so it is.  I can take and live through just about anything for that!

I Am Free to Dream

It's no surprise to anyone that I've been fearful to become excited about this pregnancy. But over the past few weeks I have actually found myself sitting and dreaming about who this little person will become. For so long I have had to guard my heart. Pregnancy wasn't something to celebrate for us- it almost always meant a death sentence...no matter how hard we prayed, begged or pleaded it didn't always seem to go our way. This time, praise God, is different. It's been different all along, I just couldn't embrace it. When we passed the 9 week mark I knew we were on to something because we'd never made it that far, except with Bayli. When we hit the 2nd trimester, I was still only cautiously excited; I was just so afraid that something would happen.

Now here I sit, almost 22 weeks. I feel movement several times a day. I am relaxed, especially now that the heparin issue is resolved, and it hit me a few days ago...I am free to dream! I can sit back and enjoy this pregnancy as it is intended to be enjoyed. I can embrace it as a mother knowing I will welcome another child into my arms. The fear of this life leaving me and joining it's many other siblings in heaven is all but gone.

I am free to dream of... boy or girl? I am free to dream of big huge baby like it's sister? Hopefully a few pounds smaller :) I am free to dream of midnight feedings, just me and a sweet little one (yes- even that sounds exciting right now!) I am free to dream of a head full of hair- or soft, warm peach fuzz? I can sit and rub my growing belly and just wonder. And not wonder if he or she will stay with us this time. No, I am blessed enough to just be able to sit and wonder about the wonder of this life. The miracle of what is going on inside of me.

I am so glad that the fear has been replaced with wonder and excitement. I am so blessed that God has allowed this to be part of His plan. I am so glad that we didn't give up just one pregnancy ago... never to "try again"- because I can promise that I vowed that more than once!

I got giddy with excitement a few days ago when I went to Wal Mart to pick up some Gain and I passed the bottles of Dreft. I remember a post back this summer when we were waiting for God to move. When I was just recovering from yet another loss that we told only a handful of people about. When I shared my verse, the one that kept me going. When I shared my definition of armload of blessing... read more here

I am free to dream!

I'm Legal

Yesterday my dear friend, who is also our Pastor's wife, texted me to congratulate me on becoming legal.  I was so confused...but, let's be honest...it doesn't take much to confuse me most days.  Anyway- she has been keeping as good of records as I have regarding anything to do with my pregnancy.  And, she is correct- I'm legal...I'm officially 21!  

21 weeks that is!

21 weeks!  I never dreamed this would be possible again.  We have suffered so much loss, it just never seemed possible.  Yet here I sit with a little life doing it's daily aerobic activity inside of me as I type this.  Honestly and truthfully- with God all things are possible!  He has made a way where we just couldn't imagine even a few short months ago.

The past couple of weeks have been very emotional for me as I've been constantly replaying the discussion I had last with my OB, trying to decide whether or not to continue with the heparin or heed the advise of the Perinatologist and get off of all blood thinners completely.  I would love to be free from the limitations of the heparin, but yet I have been so fearful to do so.  It just seems as though the heparin is working.  We've never made it this far except for when we had Bayli...so something is different.  The only changes we've made is the heparin and the increase in folic acid.  So I couldn't understand the reasoning behind stopping it.  My heart would literally ache with fear when I would think about the possibility of stopping the medicine that I felt was keeping my baby alive.  It was an awful decision and I just couldn't feel a peace regardless of which way I leaned.

Thankfully I didn't have to make the decision.  My OB met with the perinatologist personally to discuss the matter, and she wasn't convinced that there was enough evidence to take the risk in stopping the medicine.  Why risk a late term loss?  Why fix it if it isn't broken?  It's working- so lets keep doing it.  I began to weep when I spoke to the nurse as she relayed this information.  I knew that I had been worked up and fearful, but I didn't realize quite how much it had upset me until she called me and advised me to continue.  I was quite suddenly overcome with peace; and as it washed over me the tears began to fall.  What a relief!  I know that God's hand is upon this life, but I also know that God uses the wisdom of doctors and he also uses medicine.  I finally feel such peace.

On a side note, my Pastor's wife has been praying that if we needed to continue with the heparin that God would renew my tolerance for it.  And He has been so faithful to do that.  I haven't had a painful injection for several days now and I haven't had an injection site give me any problems for almost 3 weeks.  This is indeed a blessing!  Of course I would endure anything at all that was necessary to keep this life thriving, but the fact that the injections are a little easier right now makes it so much better.

I feel so blessed to be past the half-way point.  Thanks to all of you for praying with us and following along with us on this journey!  We are so excited!

A Few Thin I"ve Learned Along the Way...Part VI

continued from previous series of posts....

During my pregnancy, I kept telling everyone that I didn't want to know the sex of the baby until delivery.  We even went as far as looking at and picking out a neutral bedding set so that I wouldn't be tempted to find out sooner.  However, we both wanted a daughter so badly, and a few weeks after our miscarriage my Dr. called with all of the test results.  They were able to determine that the baby had been lost due to a Chromosomal abnormality and they also determined the sex.  Without thinking I told her that I wanted to know the sex of the baby we lost.  It had been a little girl...our little girl.  The girl we had always dreamed of.  

Needless to say, when we were pregnant the second time, I kept thinking about the little girl we lost, and could only pray, hope and dream that this one was a girl also.  And even though the romantic notion of waiting to find out the sex was something I had always hoped for- the reality was that the closer we got to being able to find out, the closer I got to just exploding with excitement.  I couldn't stand to wait another second.  When we went for the ultrasound, the whole way there I kept saying that we weren't going to find out.  But when the time came I just couldn't stand it- and I caved.

We were thrilled to learn that this was another little girl!  The feeling was so overwhelming.  God had restored that which we lost!  I just knew this little girl was going to be my right hand.  I had so many dreams of teaching her things, spending time with her, watching her grow and raising her into a Godly young woman.  God was so good for giving me the desires of my heart!  And I think I've mentioned a time or two, that Bayli was the first little girl in 52 years on my mother-in-law's side of the family.  To say that the family was excited would be an understatement.  We couldn't wait to bring home that little girl clad in pink!

We left the Dr that day and went straight to pick out another bedding set.  Neutral green and yellow would hardly do for my little girl!  We were so excited!

Aside from the normal baby showers, decorating and making room for baby, the remainder of the pregnancy was rather uneventful.   Delivery, however, was a totally different story...

to be continued...

Just Sayin'...

Well, the gender that lies within is really beginning to intrigue me a tad.  I still want to be surprised, but the guessing is quite fun.  And I'm just sayin'...that if a high heartbeat is truly indicative of a girl; then it appears that Princess Di might have indeed taken up residence in my womb. Either that or we happened to catch "new moran" right smack in the middle of his/her afternoon Jane Fonda Workout.  Because...

I went to visit my OB this afternoon and the heartbeat hovered in at around 183 beats per minute!!  

Either way- we are blessed- and that is one high, strong heartbeat!  And this little life is thriving and is growing stronger by the minute.  I had a really good visit with my Doctor.  After our little incident Monday with the Heparin she is going to speak personally with the perinatologist regarding whether or not we continue with the heparin therapy.  She made no mention again at all regarding switching to Lovenox, apparently we are either going to discontinue blood thinners completely, or just stay the course we're on.  I trust her judgement totally and completely.  I am very grateful to not make a change to Lovenox- after confirming with my insurance company exactly how much that liquid gold would actually cost out of our pocket; you know- pay the house note or switch to Lovenox.  Sheesh!  That stuff is costly! 

Also, on a side note.  I slept through all but the 1st quarter of the National Championship Game tonight.  Y'all...this is a record for me.  There was not a single Bowl game this season that I didn't catch some good Zz's during!  It's quite offensive to my husband.  He is very much used to me not missing a minute of any important sports matter~but the National Championship Game!  Seriously- I am ashamed of myself.  (But what is a girl to do when she is busy growing another human inside- I have to get my rest whenever I can...and I am T.I.R.E.D. all of the time!) However, I did wake up in time to catch some nice post game interviews- if that amounts to anything at all.  Here's to hopin' that he doesn't disqualify me from future sports watching events!  

Also, to seal the deal on making this the most random post in history- this is my 100th post!  I am probably the only blogger in history to take 2 years to post 100 times!  Oh well, so it takes me a while to finally be a part of the 100 + post club, at least I made it!

Have a good evening!

If anyone is listening...I'm tired

I think I mentioned before that as part of the plan to keep "new moran" thriving, I am on quite a bit of medicine, including 2 heparin injections per day.  Well, either I'm at the end of what I can tolerate, or it's just getting more difficult to administer.  Heparin is supposed to be given in the belly, in the fatty tissue.  Well, at first there was way more than enough fatty tissue to go around.  But now that my belly is growing and expanding we are so limited to areas to give the injections.  The problem with that is that my body doesn't exactly tolerate the medicine that well.  I always bruise and I'm always left with a huge knot about the size of a marble, if not larger, underneath my skin.  It usually takes about a week for the knot and bruise to clear, and with already limited spots in which to inject- we are in a real pickle.  

Well, last night I realized that I was sleeping on my back so I woke up to roll over on my left side (the preferred side during pregnancy), at which point I was met by a horrendous pain from the Sunday morning injection site.  I put ice on it, which helped with the surface pain, but this pain was different.  It would be the equivalent of what my mind would think that touching an electric fence would feel like.  It was so tender and on fire!  Jason woke up and I asked him to feel it.  The gentle touch of his fingertips about sent me into orbit...it was so painful!  Now, I realize that I am a 34 year old woman complaining about a shot, but I have been doing this for 5 months now and I've never had this bad of a reaction.  We put ice on it, and I was finally able to drift back to sleep- only to be woken by a wrong number phone call at 4:30 this morning.

The weird thing is that I am still hurting so badly today.  I spoke to the nurse at my Dr's office and she thinks that we must've injected into the muscle.  And, to top it off, for some reason the nerve endings are a little damaged too.  So, they told me to take it easy today and keep ice on it and tylenol for the pain.  Honestly, I'm on bed rest for today because of a stupid shot gone awry.  

Even worse than this, my Dr. really wants to switch me from Heparin to Lovenox.  Well, Lovenox has definite advantages, it's only once per day and the syringes come pre-filled, etc.  And apparently they come pre-filled with liquid gold.  Because the cost of a 30 day supply of Lovenox?  $1,000.  For a 30 day supply.  Of some medicine.  Y'all...its not like I'm doing cocaine or trying to get some sort of high here.  I just want to keep myself and my baby alive.  I have 4 months left, that would be $4,000!  Yes, our insurance would cover some of that, but we would still pay a big chunk...more than I would like to admit since it's a non-preferred drug.  Just the $150 per month we've been spending on the heparin has been an inconvenience to our pocketbooks, so I cannot even begin to imagine how we'd be able to do the Lovenox.  

My initial thought is that I will just go back to work.  But who will hire a woman who's in her 5th month of pregnancy that plans to quit to stay home again when the baby's born?  And who will handle all of our responsibilities at church?  And who will pick my baby up from kindergarten every day?

I am just tired.  I'm tired of worrying.  I'm tired of hurting.  And I hate complaining, because it doesn't solve a thing.  And I feel like I'm complaining- which obviously isn't solving anything.  I guess I need to go make a list or something...making a list always makes me feel better.  It makes me feel some sort of control.  However, it's only January 5th- I really can't think of any other possible list to make right now- unless I make a list to organize the lists that I made on January 1st.

All that I can do is just give up control again.  In the Word it says that Our God shall supply all our needs.  It also references the fact that if God can care for the sparrows and birds, how much more will He care for me?  He loves me, and He loves this life within me.  He will certainly provide the way to keep us all going.

I never knew it would be possible to be so excited, yet so scared all at the same time.

A Few Things I've Learned along the way...Part V

continued from previous series of posts...

I wish that I could say that over time I had totally laid all of my fears aside and trusted God totally and completely and planned out the perfect time to try again for another pregnancy.

The truth of the matter is...my next pregnancy happened totally on a whim.  Actually, my sweet husband commented that we shouldn't be fearful and that he really wanted to try again for another baby.  That was on cycle day 3.  After that I sort of panicked again, and told him I'd rather wait until I was certain that I was ready for the emotion of trying again.  I realize that they say that God is the one who opens and closes the womb- and apparently that is correct. Because medically, um...it just shouldn't have happened.

But it did.  And I am ever so glad.

We found out in January 2003 that we were indeed pregnant again.  Since our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, my Doctor ordered some early blood work and an early ultrasound.  The labs came back ok, but the ultrasound was borderline.  The heartbeat was 99 beats per minute. We were told that there was a 50/50 chance of survival.  We had to go home and wait it out for the next 2 weeks.  We had made the decision at that point not to tell anyone at all about this pregnancy.  So it was literally me, Jason and God for the next 14 days.  It was one of the scariest times of my life.

During that time, we learned that a good friend of  ours from church had lost her 2nd baby.  She lost her first one 1 week before I lost mine.  Ironically, we had been pregnant together again, but neither of us had told anyone, so we didn't know it.  We called for permission to go visit with them and they allowed us to go.  Their grief was horrible.  The grief was so thick in the air, you could feel it upon entering their house.  I sat and talked with her for several hours, trying my best to comfort her.  I was pregnant, but she didn't know it; and we weren't even sure if our little life was going to make it.  As I sat there with her- the tears streaming both of our faces she shared with me that an early ultrasound of theirs showed their baby with a heartbeat of 99 beats per minute.  They were given the same odds as us.  And their sweet little baby didn't make it.  I remember excusing myself to the restroom literally gasping for air, praying and pleading with God to allow our life to make it; and feeling guilty for asking that knowing that on the other side of the door sat a dear friend of mine who had just lost hers.

Needless to say the next 2 weeks we were on pins and needles.  I would love to say that I was full of confidence and relied totally on God's grace- but that would be a lie.  I was scared out of my mind that our next ultrasound would show another still heartbeat.  My prayers were more like begging and pleading rather than praying and believing anything that God said in His word.

It was a very difficult time to walk through, but we made it, and God blessed us.  The next ultrasound did not show a still heartbeat, but instead a thriving pregnancy with a beautiful heartbeat!  160+ beats per minute.  I was 9 weeks and 1 day and we were ready to rejoice!

Our original plans had been to wait until we were 12 weeks to share the news, but we both had peace that since we were farther along than we were when we lost the first baby, then certainly we must be ok.  We were ready to spread the news!  So we did exactly that.  We told anyone who would listen.  I carried ultrasound pictures with me in my purse and was thrilled to show anyone and everyone.  The baby at that point looked like a little Teddy Graham snack cracker- so that was our loving term of endearment that we used when referring to the baby.

We never looked back, and the fear never returned during this pregnancy.  We went full steam ahead planning for this baby that would join our family.  We were overjoyed to say the least!

to be continued...

Our Baby is Perfect!

We just returned from the visit with the Perinatologist and in his exact words, "If I have to give my honest, professional opinion, I totally believe that we will see a healthy baby born into this world in late May/early June 2009.  Nothing that I am seeing here alarms me or gives me any indication otherwise."

At which point I begin to sob.  Because those are words that I have waited to hear for years! 

 

My heart is overjoyed!  And I look forward to getting some much needed rest now.  I feel certain that I should be able to relax enough to take that long winter's nap that I kept hearing about but haven't been able to witness first hand.

And, on a side note, we opted NOT to find out the sex of the baby.  Jason was a bit disappointed, but this is another thing that I've wanted for years...that element of surprise when going into the delivery room.  We go back for another ultrasound with the Perinatologist in about 4 weeks, so we have a little more time to discuss it and change our minds if we decide to.  I guess I'm just so happy to be carrying a healthy baby that the sex doesn't matter at all to me either way.  I would love a little boy since we already have Bayli and then Grayci will be on her way from El Salvador one day.  But I'd also be perfectly content with a houseful of girls.  

We'll see.  God has obviously already determined the perfect little life to join our family and for now it is our plan to wait to open and marvel at that gift at the time it enters our world.  Boy or Girl, what'll it be??  I guess we'll have to wait and see!

Thank you all for your prayers!  And thank you Jesus...giver of all wonderful and perfect gifts!  Thank you for blessing us.  It is still a little hard to digest this news after so much heartache and heartbreak, but I am more determined than ever to just live in the moment and enjoy the blessing before us!

An Update

Hey Everyone,

Just wanted to ask for all of your prayers tomorrow morning as we are going to see a specialist that will more than likely be co-monitoring me, along with my regular OB, throughout the remainder of my pregnancy.

I know I've spent a lot of time recently re-living a little bit of past, but the truth is, I'm still pretty freaked out about the present.  I am very excited about our pregnancy- but yet there are many times a day when the fear that grips my heart is so overwhelming I can barely catch my breath.  There are many times when the words leave me and all that I can do is barely whisper "Life...God I pray for Life".  Maybe it's not the most eloquent of prayers, but I don't think that matters.  

I haven't been sleeping real good the past few nights because all that I can think about is what we will find out tomorrow.  I pray that it is a good report...no complications...and quite simply- I pray for life.

A few things I've learned along the way...Part IV

continued from previous post...

If you remember, we had just celebrated our 7 year anniversary. I remember sitting in the break room at my job when my supervisor told me that I should beware because he had heard that the 7th year of marriage was the toughest...that's when most divorces occur. Funny- we were in the middle of the most difficult thing our 7 year old marriage ever knew. But, apparently it was going to get worse before it got better.

I was sitting at my desk when Jason called me suddenly one day to tell me that he had been laid off from his job. He was going to finish out that week, collect that paycheck and then he'd receive 4 weeks severance pay.

Ok, in case you need help keeping score...brand new house, with a brand new house note; still dealing with the very difficult loss of our first pregnancy and now the loss of our main source of income. Wow- happy 7 year anniversary!!

I guess that this news, although a little overwhelming at the time, came at a good time because it forced us out of our pity-party. It also brought us closer together, we worked together on our budget and things to cut if necessary. We prayed together more and decided that no matter what happened, we would never short change God. Our tithe would still be the first bill we would pay, regardless of how tight things became.  We were very blessed, though, because it never became necessary to go to that extreme. By the time that the severance pay had been used up, God had blessed Jason with a new job that was only a mile or two from our house and he received a $6000 per year increase in pay.

Although focusing on and dealing with Jason's change of jobs had forced us out of the pity-party with the loss of our baby; we did have another challenge to deal with. Jason's brother and his wife had their first baby. I was responsible for giving her their baby shower. Although it was an exciting time for all of us in our family, there was no hiding the fact that my heart was hurting over our loss during this time. The day that my sweet nephew was welcomed into the world was bitter sweet for us. We were so very happy for them, and loved him so much, but it was such a hard time for us. Please don't misunderstand, I love that little boy like crazy- I have from the beginning; but no matter how much you love someone and no matter how happy you are for someone else- it becomes very difficult to watch someone so close to you receive the blessing that you yourself have wanted for so long.  But, as hard as it was, the most amazing thing happened...the minute I held that sweet bundle of joy my heart began aching again- but in a different way.  I realized more than ever what we were missing out on.  I realized what had been stolen from us.  And I started rounding the corner of maybe, possibly being able to give another pregnancy another try.

If God had allowed us to become pregnant the first time, certainly he could allow it again, right?  And, even though we were still scared out of our minds, there was no guarantee that what happened before would happen again.  Maybe, just maybe I was ready to try again??

to be continued.... 

Merry Christmas...a tad late

Christmas 2008 was wonderful for the Moran family!  I lay awake several hours on Christmas Eve thinking about the day ahead of us.  I was so excited for Bayli-bug.  I just knew that she was going to have the time of her life opening gifts.  I was also so overwhelmed as I lay in bed and felt the little life inside of me fluttering a few times.  If you had told me even 6 short months ago that we would be at this place this Christmas I wouldn't have been able to believe you.  I believed that God would answer our prayers, but yet we have been so programmed to just accept our situation, like it or not, that truly realizing, accepting and processing this information has been , oddly enough...almost a challenge.  Allowing the joy to overshadow the fear- it's taken quite a bit of prayer.

We also started a new tradition with our Jesse tree.  It was so much fun making the ornaments and putting it all together.  Every night we looked forward to that time as a family.  We will look forward to this for many years to come!

I have to tell you about the funniest thing that happened Christmas morning!  We had 1 present that was really big that couldn't fit under the tree so we set it beside the entertainment center.  I had wrapped it and put a bow on it, but didn't put the name tag on it.  I started to do it Christmas Eve, but Jason told me not to.  He just wanted me to surprise her.  So bright and early Christmas morning Bayli knocked on our door and said, "It's Christmas morning and time to open presents!  And guess, what?  There is a BIG present beside the TV and there is no name on it.  Is it for me?"  All morning she kept asking who the big present was for and we just told her we weren't sure, we'd open it all together after we opened all of the other gifts.  Eventually she quit asking, but when all of the presents were opened she asked to open the big gift.  Luckily I grabbed my flip video because what happened next might go down in history as the most excited gift opening experience of a lifetime! Enjoy!

A Few Things I've Learned Along the Way...Part III

continued...

In between sobs, "Jason, I need you to come back to the Doctors office...there's no heartbeat". I was hysterical in the truest sense of the word. I couldn't believe that the little life we had so carefully planned for had slipped away from us. We watched it happen, slowly...almost daily ultrasounds- first 160+, then 120's- now silence where the flickering heartbeat had been only a few days before.

For me, losing our first pregnancy brought so many bigger fears, "what if we never are able to have children?" "what if I have to go through this again (little did I know...)" "what if I can't get pregnant again so easily next time?" "how will I tell everyone this horrible news...they are all so happy" I could have chosen to just believe good things, but instead my heart and mind reeled with the negative truth of the situation.

My heart was broken, as was Jason's...and I really felt like I had let him down.

But, by far, the absolute worse thing of all was that everyone's life just went on. The world kept turning- even though my personal world had come to a sudden halt. I was so angry at the people who called me- literally within hours of us finding out that we had lost the baby and they couldn't understand our sadness. They couldn't understand why we cried. People actually gave us words of wisdom to try again the next month! Quoted, word for word, "You guys better get busy and jump back in the saddle again right away!" Um, ok- are you guys the same breed of people who held signs at abortion rallies before?! Do you not believe that life begins at conception? Because, if you believe that...which I do too...then you are telling me to forget about the little life, the little life that was to grow into our child. The life that was living inside of me! It was a life...and it was my child! I also found it interesting there is no bereavement time at work for women who have miscarried. Even though they have miscarried a human life. But if your hubands great Aunt Sally twice removed were to pass away I could have taken 3 days off with pay. However, I had to take vacation time, and then time without pay to cover the few days that I took off to recover from my D&C .

My other personal favorite is the "well at least you didn't feel it move yet" or "at least you didn't have time to know it and/or love it yet" or "well, at least it happened now" and "this must be part of God's plan". Please people- if this is the best you've got then you should try again. Because, it's no secret that mother's are very protective of their children. And, what I felt at that moment was you attacking my child... as if my child was less than yours because it didn't make it long enough for me to feel it move. And, I did absolutely have time to fall in love with this baby. For real, please, please don't ever say these things to a woman who just lost a baby...just simply tell her that you love her and that you are praying for her...then really pray for her because more than likely she'll need it.

As far as trying again- I was scared out of my mind. The devil ate my lunch. For me personally, I had to take some time to grieve this loss. We had to take some time to find our new normal. We had been suddenly thrown feet first into a new chapter of our lives- one that we weren't prepared to handle. Those of you who have never lost a baby might think that I have over reacted, and maybe I did- but my hurt and pain was very real and I had to figure out how to deal with it.

Jason and I chose to get away for a few days in Florida. Funny thing is, I hate the beach. The sand is, quite frankly, just a little too sandy for me. However, I love nothing more than to get a beachfront room and sit on the balcony for hours reading and listening to the waves and smelling the ocean air. There is nothing like it. We also went to a Christian Book Store in Destin and picked up a devotional book entitled "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" it is a remarkable little book and I have actually purchased many of them for women I know that have lost babies. This little book, done daily with my sweet husband helped us forge our way through the fog and deal with a lot of our hurt and pain.

We were at a scary point in our lives. It was the first real problem that we had encountered in the 7 years since we were married. All of a sudden, the world that we knew was different. We no longer had the bliss of being young and naive.

We had lost our first child...

to be continued

Spilling the Beans

We decided to tell Bayli about her new little sibling on the way a little earlier than originally planned. We were going to tell her Christmas Morning, but so many people are finding out now at Church that we were so afraid that someone would say something before we had the opportunity to. I had her Big Sister shirt and the framed pics of the ultrasound wrapped and ready to stick under the tree on Christmas Eve, but instead we surprised her last night. We all had our heads bowed and as Bayli said the blessing for dinner, I pushed her plate out of the way and placed the gift in front of her on the table. When she opened her eyes- there it was- the shiny red wrapped gift.

She opened the present- so excited- and then pulled out the shirt and sounded out the words. She was confused at first b/c she knows she's going to be a Big Sister to Grayci once the adoption goes through. But, once she saw the ultrasound pictures and we explained that Mommy had a baby in her belly she went crazy! She ran to the phone to call her Grandma and Grammy and Aunt Shelley- then she put her shirt on and we had to make our rounds to all of our neighbors to show them the picture. Some of them knew already but some of them didn't. They were all quite surprised that I was already 16 weeks and that we had kept the secret this long!

Last night was the best. We were sitting on the couch after doing our Jesse Tree for the evening. And she laid her head on my belly. Suddenly she shot up and got right in my face and said, "Now Mommy, I want you to open your mouth so that I can hear the baby!" It was hilarious! She is certainly one excited little girl!

Also, I was in Baton Rouge today finishing up some last minute Christmas shopping, so I decided to stop by my Doctor's office to hear the heartbeat again. I wanted to be sure that we were making a wise decision by telling her last night. And while I was on the table I felt the baby move twice!! It kept running away from the doppler and I could feel it- very faintly...but I still could feel it! How incredible. I've waited quite some time for that flutter...not just a few months; but instead many long years!

What an amazing day we had!

A Few Things I've Learned Along the Way...Part II

What else could we possibly ask for? (continued from previous post)

1 1/2 short weeks into my pregnancy I began experiencing a lot of cramping on my right side. Afraid that I might be experiencing an ectopic pregnancy my Dr ordered an ultrasound. I was 6 weeks along and she advised me not to be discouraged if we didn't have a heartbeat yet, considering I was still so early. We went for the ultrasound to find that it was not an ectopic pregnancy- but rather a seemingly healthy pregnancy with a growing fetus that had a heartbeat of 164 beats per minute! We were thrilled...everything seemed to be falling into place just as we had planned for so many years! What a miracle to see that little life so early with the heart beating away- a miracle life created by God using me and my spouse whom I loved so much. It was the product of the two of us...what a blessing!

Our Doctor was very surprised to find such a strong heartbeat so early on- but was still mystified about the cramping. Since it didn't subside she admitted me over night for observation and an IV. Well, after my 3rd bag of IV fluids the cramping stopped. Apparently I wasn't aware of how much a little life can take right out of you. I had been dehydrating- just not taking in enough fluids to cover what the baby was taking from me. I felt like a new person the next day!

4 days later, on a Sunday afternoon, I began spotting. I was very freaked out but really had no immediate reason to be alarmed-after all we had been so careful in timing and planning this pregnancy to the very last detail. Certainly it was God's will for us to have his baby...

I went to bed that afternoon and stayed in bed until the next day when I called my Dr. She requested to see me right away and scheduled another ultrasound. We went to see her and upon examining me she really felt like everything was still ok. We saw a still strong heartbeat on the ultrasound screen- it had dropped slightly but was still in a healthy range. She advised me to continue with our regular routine and to stop worrying about the spotting. If a miscarriage were to happen there is nothing medically that can be done to stop it. It was a hard road to walk, but we took her advice. We went to work, cleaned house, grocery shopped, kept up with our regular routine...all the while I kept spotting.

Another 3 or 4 days passed and I called to request another ultrasound. The heart beat had dropped to 120. My Dr. insisted that this was still a healthy range- let's just try not to worry. I had a regualar visit scheduled for the following week- I would be 7 1/2 weeks at that point. I held on to hope that everything would be fine. After all, that's what the medical professional recommended and I trusted her. I continued to spot the entire weekend, sometimes lightly and sometimes pretty heavy. I began to dread trips to the bathroom as I knew I would be reduced to tears as I surveyed the situation. I kept my faith high- as high as possible given the situation. All that we could do was pray and hope for the best.

We went for our scheduled appointment and my Dr. insisted that all was still well. She prescribed a prenatal vitamin (isn't that funny that we hadn't done that yet?) and just to set my mind at ease I went for another ultrasound. Jason asked her if it was safe for him to return to work b/c he had missed so much work already the past couple of weeks. She assured him that everything was fine, this was just to reassure me...after all- some people spot their entire pregnancy.

I layed on the table in disbelief. The technician couldn't tell me the results- but she didn't have to. I could see with my own 2 eyes that the little flicker was gone. The flicker that had been life had been replaced with a still, blank screen.

Our little life was gone. The baby that we had hoped for, wished for, dreamed for...prayed for. It was gone. Too early. As the technician escorted me back up to my physician's office, she allowed me to use her cell phone to call my husband. My sweet unsuspecting husband who had gone back to work assuming everything was fine. I had to call him to tell him that I was so sorry; and that I felt horribly responsible even that I knew it wasn't my fault...but who else's fault could it be? My heart was broken. God had trusted me with this life, and my womb failed us...

...to be continued...

A Few Things I've Learned Along The Way

As I've documented a time or two over the past little while of doing this blog thing; growing our family has been quite the challenge for Jason and I. And for some reason over the past couple of months I have felt rather compelled to share our journey in greater detail. Maybe it will minister to someone, maybe it will minister to me- or maybe it will just be documented for my children to one day read so that they can fully grasp how very important it was for us to try so hard to bring them into the world.

Either way I will attempt to spend the next several posts spilling my guts in (hopefully) a somewhat organized and orderly fashion as I try to put into words the events that have taken place over the past 6 1/2 years of our lives.

I have always wanted to be a Mom. From as early on as I can recall- probably about the age of 4 or 5, as soon as I made the connection to girls being the ones that had the babies and that I was a girl, therefore I could be a Mom...I was hooked. My mother tells me one of my first words was baby. I have always adored children and could not wait to give birth. My sister in law used to joke that my body "yearned to give birth". I couldn't wait for the moment when I would feel life flutter inside me for the first time. I spent many, many hours babysitting as I grew up. I remember being 18 or 19 years old and cancelled plans with some friends of mine to spend the night in New Orleans just to babysit for 2 little children that I adored.

When I started looking for "Mr. Right" I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would have to be a family man, would have to love children and would have to want a houseful of kids one day himself. God certainly did not disappoint me when he sent my husband my way. God totally did not disappoint; not only did this man meet all of my criteria- he was also called to be a Children's Pastor. Hello- children were obviously in our future. When the time was right, all we would have to do is name our number and viola! We'd have the family we'd always dreamed of...or so we thought.

We were married and like most young married couples, struggled some financially. I always knew that I wanted to be a stay at home Mom when we did have children, so we knew it was better to wait until we were a little more financially set before trying to have children. We also wanted to be in a house, not in the mobile home we were living in at the time. After about 6 years of marriage we had finalized plans on our starter home. We began construction and knew that as soon as we moved in we'd begin trying to have a baby. After all, we had it all planned out- it was our time, so certainly it would be God's time too. The last nail was hammered into place on May 30, 2002 and we received our inspection certificate on May 31st and we began moving in.

We started trying to grow our family immediately. On July 14, 2002 I handed my husband an anniversary card with shaky, nervous hands. It was our 7 year wedding anniversary and the inside was signed, "With much Love, Holly and Baby" We had achieved our dream- and rather quickly I might add! We were both ecstatic and couldn't wait to share the news with anyone and everyone who would listen. What we had dreamed of was becoming a reality! We were going to have a baby. Our beginning of our 7th year of marriage looked to be promising...new house, new baby on the way!

What else could we possibly ask for?

The Weather Outside is Frightful...

The weather outside is frightful...but fun!

We woke this morning to actual snowflakes falling. We ran outside in PJ's and coats to snap a few pictures- thinking that would be the end of it. Well, 3 hours later the snow has finally changed to sleeting rain. But prior to that, we had at least 2 inches of snowfall. It was so much fun...but so cold. We southerners just ain't used to the extreme cold!

Having been born in Pennsylvania, I remember the snow, but it's been a long time! I also remember having the proper gear and attire to play in the snow. We have been make-shifting all morning. We just don't have snow boots and nice gloves. Bayli had some sorry little mittens and her poor fingers were freezing! But she didn't give up. She even made a snow angel!

Speaking of not having the proper gear and attire; we need to pray for everyone to drive safely in these conditions. It's fun to watch the snow fall while in the safety of your own home, but when out and about without snow tires and the other proper equipment- the icy roads become very dangerous. There are already several accidents and major road closures.

But, enjoy these pictures.

A mother's touch

This morning as I was taking Bayli to school I asked her if she ever got tired of my loving on her. Because, let's face it- I probably kiss and hug her 100+ times a day, combined with the number of times that I tell her that I love her combined with the time spent cuddling on the couch at night and in her bed at night before she falls asleep...well, lets just say she gets loved. But sometimes I'm afraid that my desire to mother another child overtakes me to the point of suffocating the one that I have. And, like it or not, there will probably come a day when she might not be as excited about the snuggle time. But her response to me this morning brought tears to my eyes. She said, "Oh no Mommy...who could ever get tired of their Mommy hugging them."

Oh sweetness.

But I couldn't help but think of a little girl in El Salvador who was brought to an orphanage b/c her mother loved her so much and desired a better life for her. And because of that great act of love we will be able to grow our family. And as much as I love this little one growing inside of me- my heart still burns with desire for the little one more than likely already born several hundreds of miles away. The one that will more than likely join our family as a toddler, not as an infant. The one who's mother loved her so...but who's mother's touch she probably hasn't felt in quite a while. The one who shares a room with 20 or so other children, none of whom are siblings. The one who has a care taker- doing the best she can to care for all of these children, but might not have the time or take the time to "love on her" in the physical sense of the word. The little girl who is to become our Grayci...the one that will be brought to us through the wonderful gift of adoption...the one who is growing in our hearts while one is growing in my belly.

My heart aches for her...I wish that she were here now, so that on Christmas morning we could share with her the wonderful news of a sibling that will be born into our home. I pray that she knows a Mother's touch. I pray that she feels my love across these miles.

I pray that she makes it home soon.

Hello, 2nd Trimester!

Edited to add Ultrasound Pic...new moran sucking his/her thumb! too sweet!

Well, I haven't had time to scan the latest ultrasound pic, but we did go to the Dr. Tuesday afternoon for another ultrasound and Dr. visit. And we are very pleased to announce that all is well! I am so very relieved to be out of my 1st Trimester and officially into the 2nd! What a HUGE milestone! My Dr really feels that it would be very odd for something to happen at this point- I am so relieved. My MIL commented today that my entire countenance has changed...she said for the first time in 3 months I actually look relaxed. I still feel a little anxious inside, but for the most part I'm allowing myself to get excited.

My next appointment will be December 31st where we will have to go to a specialist for monitoring due to the condition I have- Factor V (five). Apparently my body is more prone to blood clots, especially during pregnancy. This is why we've been doing the injections of Heparin 2x's daily...to help thin the blood so no clots will form. She said the main places of concern are in the placenta, uterus and umbilical cord. Please agree with us that the Heparin will do it's job and I will be able to remain blood clot free the entire pregnancy. I cannot even allow myself to think of such a complication.

And, on a more personal note, she is also open to the thought of allowing me to attempt a VBAC delivery this time. My delivery with Bayli was horrible- after a relatively easy labor I pushed for 3 hours, along with the use of forcepts at the end- just to end with an emergency C-section at the last minute b/c she was no longer tolerating the delivery. Knowing that this will be my last pregnancy I really desire to have a vaginal delivery. I wish to have that moment. However, trust me when I say that I will be totally ok with however the baby gets here, as long as it gets here safely. BUT- I am still praying for this desire to be met. I know that a decision regarding this particular situation will not be made until the very end, but I am just pleased that she is open to the possibility.

Thank you all for your prayers...

I'm either getting older or wiser

Monday was my birthday. For the first time ever in my now 34 years of life- it didn't matter to me one bit if we did anything, went anywhere, if anyone remembered or if I received any gifts. See, by nature I am a very high-maintenance sort of gal. I am also a romantic. I expect and I have high hopes. Always. Not caring is totally out of character for me.

This year, Jason asked me what I'd like for my birthday. Normally this one question alone would be enough to send me into orbit. (Why, oh why must you ask? Have you not spent every day with me for the past year? Can't you listen to or pick up on subtle little hints?) This year, I simply replied- absolutely nothing. I am so content. I feel as though God has blessed me abundantly and there is nothing on this earth that he could purchase that would make me even one ounce happier! Not just because it seems as though God has answered my prayer with blessing us with a healthy pregnancy- but just because my heart seems so full. I am blessed.

However, he has also been married to me long enough to not exactly listen to me also. Which was fine too. Monday night we went out to eat on a whim to a local Japanese restaurant that we love. It was our first time bringing Bayli with us- she didn't love the fire of the Hibachi grill; but aside from that loved the other entertainment and loved the food! She cleaned her plate! She also told the waitress 100+ times that it was my birthday so they brought out a dessert and sang Happy Birthday to me. We had so much fun! After that we ran to the mall where I returned a shirt and entertained myself while Jason and Bayli bought a couple of gifts for me. They had them giftwrapped in the store and Bayli bugged me to open them right away so I did and everything was wonderful. After that we went to Whole Foods to pick up a piece of Chantilly cake for me (YUMMY! It has a light icing with tons of fresh berries- blueberries, strawberries, etc...delish!). I literally grabbed a fork and ate it on the way home.

Everything was totally unorganized, unplanned and "on a whim"...and it couldn't have been any better! A great night with my favorite people...it doesn't get any better than that!

PS- also totally out of character for me- I didn't bring my camera. I took a few pics on my phone though. If I can figure out how to put them on here from my phone I will post them later. Hope everyone has a blessed and happy Thanksgiving!

Live Coverage from the Battle

I fully intented on waking up this morning and heading up to my Dr's office to let the nurse find the heartbeat for me. Just for reassurance. It has been almost a week since the ultrasound and we have a crazy busy holiday week next week. Not to mention that we will see alot of family next week and I'd like to be able to have confidence that all really is well and growing and thriving inside before facing everyone next week.

See, the way things work for me typically is that I go about my business being pregnant, feeling pregnant and then end up at the Dr for a routine visit and the pregnancy has ended without any signs or warning whatsoever. Usually the heart has stopped 1-2 weeks prior and my body still hasn't clued me in on it at all. It is enough to make you go crazy.

I have a wonderful Dr and the nurse is just as wonderful and they have told me that at any time I can drive to their office and they can find the heartbeat to put my mind at ease. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, it is...until God asks you to trust Him.

Yikes.

I was spending some time in prayer this morning and I was thinking about how reassuring it would be to my heart to hear that little heartbeat again when I felt God speak to me "What do you expect to hear Holly?" I was silent. I should have automatically said that I expect to hear a heartbeat, but the truth is that I live scared that it might be gone. I live constantly battling the thoughts that it might have stopped. What if it stopped last night while I was sleeping? Because that's what my body does. See, medically I have absolutely no reason to hope. Medically speaking, my womb is a joke...and medically speaking it fails me all the time.

But, who's report will I choose to believe? And will I keep my faith and trust in medicine or in the God who breathed this life to begin with? And here I sit with tears stinging my eyes crying out to Him, "God I only wanted to hear the heartbeat again...just for reassurance." But if I have chosen to believe His report, and if I've chosen to keep my faith and trust in the Giver of Life, then why do I need to hear the heartbeat? Because in Jesus' name...the heart is still beating strong! I don't need a Dr. or a nurse or their doppler to reassure me of it. So I have decided to be obedient. I have a sudden change of plans and will not run up to hear the heartbeat after all. God is my source...His hand is upon this life and he will continue to breathe life. And I continue to trust Him and speak and confess life.

The battle between what I know to be true and what I fear might happen wages on. I pray that through spending time with Him daily that we will eventually get the upper hand and that I can learn to fully trust and rest in what I know to be true. I pray that the fear will continue to dissipate.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think on these things.

Psalm 126:5 So those who went off with heavy hearts will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing.

Father God, thank you for speaking to me this morning...even if you didn't let me have my own way. Sometimes I guess we all still need that. God I thank you for the life you've blessed us with. I pray that I can continue to allow you to just be God and handle everything for me. God, for the millionth time I lay my fears at your feet and I choose to think only on good things; only on things that are right and pure and lovely and of good report...God the things that are excellent and praiseworthy! And God, even though carrying this baby brings me happiness-it is not my source of Joy. Father God- YOU are my source of Joy! I love being your servant and I strive to please you God. Father forgive me and help my times of unbelief. Thank you Jesus for blessing us.

New Moran

Apparantly when I'm quiet for a while I've been up to something. And, it also appears that I can't keep a secret and post about anything else at all. Thus the long silence. This post is very hard for me to publish. I have been going around and around in my mind for weeks now about this, but I felt suddenly like there is no time like the present.

It appears there is going to be a New Moran...should be here by early June 2009!

For those of you who are not familiar with our history, Jason and I have had 4 miscarriages in the past 6 1/2 years. Growing our family has not come easily for us. In fact, it has been down right cruel most of the time. We have our beautiful 5 year old little girl, who is the absolute light of our lives. She has brought us much happiness throughout this very trying journey. We have always wanted a house full of kids, and for several years we thought that would be impossible. But, like we've always known...God is in control of this and every situation in our lives. He has allowed us the opportunity to become pregnant many times, but we've lost so many.

Our prayer is that this time is different. I am currently 11 1/2 weeks...this is farther than we've ever made it, except for with Bayli. I have always miscarried between 6-9 weeks. So, in our hearts and minds, we've crossed a major hurdle. Of course, we are not out of the woods, medically speaking, for another 2 weeks. But, we chose a long time ago to put our faith in God...so we have made a choice to believe that this life will make it to term. However, I must admit that my heart and mind constantly battle each other. What I know to be true vs what I fear might happen...it is a constant struggle. I have to constantly remain in prayer and have several scriptures that I've posted around me so that I can refer to them as necessary.

Please join us in praying for this little life. Please surround us in prayer as we go through this pregnancy. Medically, there are some issues that we are addressing in order to try to keep life going...I am on 2 shots of heparin daily in addition to a lot of oral medicine. To say that my body is tired and is going through a lot is an understatement. We've already been advised that if we are able to make it to term, this should be our last pregnancy. Even though that isn't our plan, we'll take it and we will consider ourselves blessed!

You might be asking how this affects the adoption. Well, it doesn't. We are still waiting and will likely be waiting for several more years. We are keeping up with our paperwork in order to keep everything current. So, we will welcome that baby with open arms when the time comes also.

Love you guys...all 2 of you who read and follow our journey. :) Please keep us in your prayers! We are beginning to allow ourselves to get a little excited. Please don't misunderstand that comment. Of course we are excited, but we tend to guard our hearts; but God has been faithful and the longer that things have progressed, the more we are able to relax a little and even begin to plan a little bit about the future.

Oh, one more thing, Bayli still does not know about this. We have decided to tell her on Christmas morning. I found a cute "Big Sister" shirt that we are going to wrap up, along with a few other big sister related items. We are going to give this gift to her that she has waited so very long for! It will be a very special Christmas indeed!

Enjoy the ultrasound pics below.

The pic on the left was at 11 weeks- the arms and legs were just beginning to bud. He looked like a little "Teddy Graham"! The one on the right was last Friday. In 2 short weeks the arms and legs have fully developed as well as hands and feet. If you look closely you can see the little hand up by the mouth! We are so blessed and Praise God for the work He is doing! Praise God for life!

5 Years Ago...

5 years ago today was the eve of my first and only (so far) child's birth.

5 years ago today I was still unaware of the power that 9 pounds could have on a family, on a household, on a marriage...on my heart.

5 years ago today I was still filled with wonder and uncertainty...mixed with a little bit of fear and trepidation.

5 years ago today I was not complete.

5 years ago today was the last day that my heart was my own and inside of my own body.

I wouldn't change a single thing about the last 5 years.

Happy Birthday (tomorrow) to my sweet baby girl!

My Promise

The past few days have been difficult for me. I'm not sure why...it appears that there is not always a specific reason. Some days the pendulum swings more on the emotional side. I guess that's just me...the way God made me. I have always been tenderhearted so it's easy for that side to take over. Tenderhearted is good and emotional is ok...but both need to have a balance...that's the part that I struggle with. The balance.

The other day I listened to a clip of a Steven Curtis Chapman interview. And of all of the many incredible things that he mentioned, one thing in particular really stuck out. He spoke about how they are "grieving with hope".

Wow! What an incredible statement.

If you have never really been at a place of grieving in your life, that statement might not mean a thing to you. But Jason and I have had many times during the past 6 years where we have had the opportunity to grieve. Sometimes we've grieved gracefully and other times not so much so. Until recently, I can honestly say that we never grieved with hope. We were very ugly and defeated in our grief. We were bitter and angry.

Grieving doesn't have to be simply due to loss of life; it can be the loss of a dream- or the loss of an idea or plan. For us it's been all of the above. The time when we felt that we were giving up on our dream of having more children, and trying to deal with the emotions that accompany that; that is the time where we grieved the hardest and were the most desperate.

Recently we have grieved, but with hope. Hope for our future. Hope for the children that God will bless us with; both biologically and through adoption. We are no longer going to think of ourselves as parents of an only child here on earth. We will have the house full of kids that we've always dreamed of...in God's perfect timing.

And when the pendulum swings too far to the side of emotional- I'll allow it as long as there is a balance. A balance that reminds me of our promise from our Loving Father. A promise that He knows the plans that He has for us...a plan for a hope and a future.

A balance that allows my heart to hurt when necessary...grieve when necessary; but that grieves with hope!

Psalm 126:5 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

(I love the message version...So those who planted their crops in despair will shout hurrahs at the harvest, So those who went off with heavy hearts will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing

I personally choose to believe and take that "armload of blessing" literally! I pray and believe for an armload of blessing...a little 9 pound blessing wrapped in a blanket washed in Dreft! With a little sweet head that smells like Johnson's Baby Magic.

Anyone choose to believe with me?

Until now the ACT was the longest test I'd ever taken...

Note to God...

God, I know that part of the fun of life is to make mistakes and then learn from them...and hopefully do a little better next time. However, this little test called adoption and trying to grow our family? This particular test seems a little hard...and I totally don't understand all of the rules.

So, God- for fear of being disqualified from this test and having to take a re-test...

My heart is confused. I am trying so hard to find a balance between being happy for those all around me who are getting the things that I want, without grieving too hard for my own losses and disappointments. God, please clarify- is it ok to be happy for others and still be sad for me? As long as I promise to keep my sadness to a minimum?

Because God, in all fairness and honesty, I just can't take another re-test. And God, my heart breaks today. But I will continue to serve you and love you with all of my heart. And I will continue to walk this very road...for as long as You want me to.

Home study update

This week we met with our social worker to update our Home Study. Our I600A expires at the end of this year- not to mention our fingerprints. How, can anyone explain to me, can your fingerprints expire? Regardless, we will have to make a trip to New Orleans one day in the next couple of months to re-do our fingerprints just to keep everything active and updated.

Current wait time for El Salvador? 28-30ish some odd months and counting. How many more times we'll have to do this? No telling.

I'm trying very hard to not get bitter about the process. We have been through so much, we've had to spill our guts to social workers, pychologists, had physicals, labs, etc. Had to wait for numerous reports to be written about us. We've had to PROVE that we are competent people and that we could offer a good home to a child. Meanwhile a good friend of mine has a 17 year old daughter that is pregnant that would have to go on welfare and state assitance if it woudn't be for her parents paying for everything. We, on the other hand, have to prove our net worth, prove our sanity, prove our competence, prove our IQ...need I go on?

And it's getting old. I'm tired of jumping through hoops. I'm ready for God to move already.

Sorry to be so cynical...just keepin' it real.

Bayli for President

Yesterday morning we were sitting on the couch trying to wake up and get ready for school. (The new schedule has been killer on all of us!) Jason had the TV on the morning news and they were showing clips and scenes from the controversy brewing between Russia and Georgia. There were clips of fighting, houses and buildings burning..."normal" war-type scenes. I didn't realize Bayli was paying attention, she was sort of zoned out, trying to clear the sleep from her eyes; but- it was obvious...this wasn't Noggin'.

Suddenly she perked up and said with much concern in her voice, "Mommy! What are they doing?" I began explaining to her that they weren't getting along, so instead of working it out they started to fight each other.

To which she replied, "Oh dear...I just don't think this is a good idea!" "I think we need to get all of these people, and bring them to my school. And Mrs. Allen will move their man to the sad face. Then they'll have to miss recess AND have to go to Mr. Veron's office! Then they'll stop fighting!"

I don't know about y'all, but I think that's one of the most concise, well thought out plans I've heard in a while!

Bayli for President!
Year 2048
She's got my vote

T minus 1 year and counting

Well, we officially made the 1 year mark since Dossier submission for our adoption. 1 year and counting...indefinitely. As far as our agency goes, so far they've only received 1 referral for El Salvador since the inception of this program. So, it appears that it will still be a long haul until we are on the other side of this.

Frustrated? Maybe. Disappointed? A little. Tired? Yeah.


Worth the wait? Absolutely!!


Father God, my arms are weary from holding them up during the battle. I'm so tired and frustrated and sad and hurt and just plain old ready to get somewhere already. I'm tired of seeing Bayli hurting for a sibling. I'm tired of just struggling to hold it all together. God I know you are still in control and you can still move mountains! We are in this for the long haul, unfortunately we didn't realize what "long haul" meant 18 months ago when we began this journey towards adoption. God I pray for your mighty hand to move and I thank you for being in control of our lives. I love you father and thank you for blessing us beyond measure!

Happy Anniversary

Just a quick little note to let everyone know that today is our 13th Year anniversary! In some ways it seems like yesterday and in other ways it seems like forever that we've been married. We've certainly had more than our fair share of rough times, but I feel like that's only made us stronger. I am certainly very blessed to have this wonderful person that God has given me the honor and priveledge of walking with, serving alongside and doing life with!

Happy Anniversary Jason!
Love...your pretty flower

Whisper my Name...

I've come to a conclusion recently...if this adoption never happens, and if God never opens my womb again, I am one blessed woman! I have a beautiful daughter, and if I do say so myself...God really outdid Himself when He created her! My heart has been so full recently! Joy unspeakable!

Every night the past few weeks, I sneak into her room at night and I curl up next to her and listen to her breathe. I pray blessings over her. And I seek God's guidance and wisdom in raising her. And I revel at her beauty as the moonlight peeks through her blinds and falls across her face. And I listen to her breathe some more. And I touch the soft skin on her arm. And I love every minute of it. And the dishes can wait, and the clothes can wait; but this can't. These moments are fleeting and I don't want to miss a single one.

Tonight as I was tucking her in bed, I told her my secret, about how I sneak into her room for a few minutes each night. To which she replied, "Mommy, tonight when you come to snuggle with me, can you just whisper my name so that I'll know you are there?"

So tonight, when I went to visit her in her dreams, I pushed aside my OCD fears of what if she wakes up, what if she can't get back to sleep? And I whispered her name as I settled in beside her. She stirred a little, rolled over right into the crook of my arm and then grabbed her thumb and started sucking away drifting off into another deep sleep...another sweet dream.

And as I lay there, thanking God for creating and blessing me with such an amazing creature, and praying blessings over her...the waterworks began to fall. It was late and the tears stung my eyes as they rolled down my cheeks and onto her pillow.

And I was reminded of the many times throughout my Christian walk, during the hard times when I feel so alone...the times that I ask God to please come visit me in my dreams late at night. And I ask Him to please just whisper my name so I know that He's there.

And He shows up. And He listens to me breathe. And He thinks that I'm a perfect and beautiful creation. And He loves me just the way that I am. And He curls up beside me and covers me with His blood and protects me. And He listens to me breathe some more. And He speaks life to me and to my circumstance. And He cares about my hurts and He bottles my tears. And He whispers my name...

Tonight I walked out of Bayli's room, and not only had I met my daughter in her dreams, but God met me and spoke to me in a very real way.

And the dishes are still there, and the clothes are still there. And I'm turning the light off and going to bed.

I'm going to wait for God to whisper my name so I know that He's there...


Face for Grace,
Holly

Praise Him in the Dance...

This is Bayli's first year in dance class. She absolutely loves it and her instructor tells me quite often that she is doing very well. She attends Divine Dance Academy here in town; all of the faculty and staff are Christians and everything they do is to christian music. Each and every week they open and close the class with group prayer and a devotional. I cannot say enough about Mrs. Cammie and the wonderful things that she is doing at Divine Dance...we have been so pleased and look forward to Praising Him through Dance at Divine Dance for many years to come...they are an answered prayer!

I say all of this as a prelude to some of the cutest pictures in the world. Wednesday afternoon was picture day for the upcoming recital. Her class has 2 of the most adorable outfits (1 for ballet and 1 for tap) so I let her pick out which costume she wanted to wear for her pictures. I brought my camera with me and snapped a few of my own pictures while waiting her turn in line.

I have to say, that as much as my heart longs and hurts for another child, I feel so utterly and completely blessed. It is my constant prayer of thanksgiving to God that if for some reason we were only to have 1 child in our earthly lives- the 1 that He chose to bless us with is the most completely wonderful, beautiful, precious little blessing that He ever could have created.

I love this little girl so much...