I know that this BLOG normally only has updates about the adoption, but I have to remind myself that life outside of this adoption does still really exist. And since I can't seem to get around to scrapbooking or anything of that nature, I may as well document "life" stuff here too.
With that said, Bayli has been sick all day. She woke up with fever of 101.8 and it's been hovering there all day, one time peaking at 102.3 We've had a scare recently about her blood sugar, and I couldn't get her to eat much of anything all day. I know that's normal with fever, but then I notice that her hands were shaking, and I got fearful of the blood sugar thing again. So, Jason and I decided that she needed to eat something. The pork loin and greenbeans supper that I made totally didn't appeal to her. So I did something that I NEVER do. (I never ever fix a different meal for her...she must eat what I fix for the family.) I asked her what would be the one thing in the entire world that she would eat. To which she replied, cheese and crackers. Sounds healthy enough, right? Well, the cheese and crackers that she's refering to would be Club crackers and Easy Cheese.
Normally I do not have snackage of that nature hanging around the house. But a few weeks ago we went out of town to minister to a children's ministry in Leesville. And since it was a weekend away without kids, everyone on the trip planned the snacks out perfectly. And I was in charge of the Easy Cheese. It just so happens that it didn't all get eaten so I brought it home. One day I shared this delicacy with Bayli. Of course, she did not forget.
So, to make matters worse, we had used up the last of the Easy Cheese that day, and were fresh out of Club crackers too. So, again...something I never do...I went to Wal Mart at 8:00 tonight to buy a fresh supply of Easy Cheese and Club Crackers.
The good news is, she ate 3 crackers, with cheese. The bad news is, after she finished the crackers, she asked me to just squeeze the cheese straight onto her tongue. "I don't need crackers after all, Mommy." She said with much enthusiasm. And with Easy Cheese being the excellent source of calcium, low in fat, totally not processed, essential part of the food pyramid that it is...I of course felt totally comfortable with doing that for her. Ahem!
Apparently the apple may not fall too far from the tree. Because I think straight into the mouth, skipping the cracker altogether is absolutely the best way, if not the only way to consume Easy Cheese. Therefore, no more Easy Cheese allowed at this household until she's old enough to buy it with her own money...not to mention get to the store by herself.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
Honesty really is the best policy
I remember the night well. I had just lost our 3rd baby and I was in an emotional tail spin to say the least. I placed a frantic email to some high school friends who had just adopted a precious child from China. I fixed dinner and they came over and I sat there badgering them with question after question about adoption.
God had began speaking to us about adoption several months prior, through their adoption. I received a link to their blog and I'd check it like 3 times a day for updates. I was hooked...it was better than any reality TV show ever produced. I prayed for them, and I ached for them to get their referral. I told everyone I knew about their story because it had me so enthralled.
My husband became hooked too. He'd call me from work, asking me if I saw the latest update on "the blog". Of course I always had.
I knew that God was beginning to soften both of our hearts towards adoption. It was absolutely not at all what I wanted. I thought it was awesome for them, and I wanted to adopt one day...but not now. I was holding out for my pregnancy that I deserved due to previous loss. Jason and I would lay in bed at night and cry for the child that we wanted, and for the children that we had lost. We wondered what on earth God was up to. All the while I kept stifling my feelings that God may be leading us to adopt. I remember arguing with God, saying that I was supposed to go to the hospital to have a baby...not get on a plane and fly to a different country! What type of birth plan is that? I never saw that on A Baby Story!
We were so happy for my friends...we couldn't stop talking about what was taking place in their lives. We prayed for them and believed for them.
Then one day it happened. Jason said to me, "Do you sometimes think it'll be us? Do you think we're supposed to adopt too?" I spun around and looked at him in disbelief. He had been thinking the same thing as me for months but neither one of us had said anything until that moment.
Then we got pregnant.
Then we lost that baby too.
The night my friends came over, I was a wreck. I talked non-stop. It was totally woe is me, and I don't deserve this, and I want a baby now...right now. She really tried to comfort me and offer suggestions and they answered every question I threw at them.
I remember wanting someone to make it all better. To say something that would solve everything. He was very quiet most of the evening. You know the old saying about how people who are very wise listen a lot and only speak when they have something great to say? Well, it happened. After being quiet most of the evening, he looked at me and said in a very gentle tone, "Holly...just make sure that your joy isn't wrapped up only in getting a baby."
That's it. One simple yet hugely profound statement that rocked me to the core...and changed my life. It kept me awake at night. I pondered the word "joy"...looked at it from every angle. The one thing that kept coming to my mind was "delight". Then I thought of the scripture "delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." So, then I thought that I must not be delightful. But, certainly I'm very delightful. It was a madhouse inside my mind. I couldn't get that comment out of my mind.
So I went to an Associate Pastor at church; for counseling with the whole package. The loss of the baby, the questions about adoption, the defeat that I couldn't shake for the life of me, the fog that absolutely would not clear. The confusion, and hurt and fear of the "what-if's" and the "why not's?". I unloaded on him that day. And I mentioned that one statement that my friend had made to me. About making sure that my joy wasn't wrapped up just in getting a baby. And our pastor said to me, "That is a statement made from someone who understands your journey. He didn't just come up with that on a whim...he's been there. That is the single most important thing that anyone could have said to you. I think you needed to hear it, and I think it took him great courage to say it. That is wisdom." He then challenged me to continue thinking on that one comment and praying like never before until I had my breakthrough.
So I did what I was told.
I pondered that one thought for weeks, if not longer. And, it was a defining moment for me. I understood that God should be my source of joy, but I didn't know how to get there. It's scary when you've been a christian for a long time, if you aren't careful the basics can leave you. Or get cluttered with other things. You get busy doing works, all with good and pure intentions. I no doubt loved God with every fiber of my being. I was even reading my Bible and doing my devotions and spending time in prayer like I was supposed to. But He was not my only, absolute, undying source of joy at that time. Gered had pegged me...my joy was totally wrapped up in having another child.
It's awesome how God is. He showed me areas in my life and in my heart that needed to shift gears. Because, as badly as I wanted to change, God wanted me to change even more. And as badly as I wanted to make Him my absolute source of joy...He wanted it even more. As soon as I was open to make the changes, He showed me the way. I wasn't wrapped up in hard-core sin. I just had my focus all wrong. I had to learn to be happy in life and happy with God regardless of what God chose to do in the area of growing our family.
When I finally grasped, I mean really grasped the idea that God had this all figured out long before I was ever born...then my timeframes and worries and concerns seemed so petty. If God has had it figured out since the beginning of time; then why stess myself over if I was going to get a baby in 2007 or 2008? Or will it be June or August? In the scheme of things does it really matter? I don't want to get our child one day sooner than God wants us to get her. Because that would be Holly's plan and not God's plan.
All of this divine revelation came into being because someone wasn't afraid to tell me the truth. They called it like they saw it and had the guts to speak it to me.
I think it's only fair to say that honesty really is the best policy.
God, I thank you for honest friends. Even if what they have to say stings a little at first. Thank you for Brandi and Gered...and thank you for using them and their precious baby girl to teach me many lessons. I thank you that you made my heart soft enough to be able to receive what was said to me that night...and to be able to do something about it. I pray that you will continue to send Godly people into our lives when necessary. I don't have it all figured out, none of us do. And we all need Godly counsel to tell us the err of our ways...in love. Allow us all to be used to glorify you. God, continue to work in your way and your timing through us.
A Face for Grace,
Holly
God had began speaking to us about adoption several months prior, through their adoption. I received a link to their blog and I'd check it like 3 times a day for updates. I was hooked...it was better than any reality TV show ever produced. I prayed for them, and I ached for them to get their referral. I told everyone I knew about their story because it had me so enthralled.
My husband became hooked too. He'd call me from work, asking me if I saw the latest update on "the blog". Of course I always had.
I knew that God was beginning to soften both of our hearts towards adoption. It was absolutely not at all what I wanted. I thought it was awesome for them, and I wanted to adopt one day...but not now. I was holding out for my pregnancy that I deserved due to previous loss. Jason and I would lay in bed at night and cry for the child that we wanted, and for the children that we had lost. We wondered what on earth God was up to. All the while I kept stifling my feelings that God may be leading us to adopt. I remember arguing with God, saying that I was supposed to go to the hospital to have a baby...not get on a plane and fly to a different country! What type of birth plan is that? I never saw that on A Baby Story!
We were so happy for my friends...we couldn't stop talking about what was taking place in their lives. We prayed for them and believed for them.
Then one day it happened. Jason said to me, "Do you sometimes think it'll be us? Do you think we're supposed to adopt too?" I spun around and looked at him in disbelief. He had been thinking the same thing as me for months but neither one of us had said anything until that moment.
Then we got pregnant.
Then we lost that baby too.
The night my friends came over, I was a wreck. I talked non-stop. It was totally woe is me, and I don't deserve this, and I want a baby now...right now. She really tried to comfort me and offer suggestions and they answered every question I threw at them.
I remember wanting someone to make it all better. To say something that would solve everything. He was very quiet most of the evening. You know the old saying about how people who are very wise listen a lot and only speak when they have something great to say? Well, it happened. After being quiet most of the evening, he looked at me and said in a very gentle tone, "Holly...just make sure that your joy isn't wrapped up only in getting a baby."
That's it. One simple yet hugely profound statement that rocked me to the core...and changed my life. It kept me awake at night. I pondered the word "joy"...looked at it from every angle. The one thing that kept coming to my mind was "delight". Then I thought of the scripture "delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." So, then I thought that I must not be delightful. But, certainly I'm very delightful. It was a madhouse inside my mind. I couldn't get that comment out of my mind.
So I went to an Associate Pastor at church; for counseling with the whole package. The loss of the baby, the questions about adoption, the defeat that I couldn't shake for the life of me, the fog that absolutely would not clear. The confusion, and hurt and fear of the "what-if's" and the "why not's?". I unloaded on him that day. And I mentioned that one statement that my friend had made to me. About making sure that my joy wasn't wrapped up just in getting a baby. And our pastor said to me, "That is a statement made from someone who understands your journey. He didn't just come up with that on a whim...he's been there. That is the single most important thing that anyone could have said to you. I think you needed to hear it, and I think it took him great courage to say it. That is wisdom." He then challenged me to continue thinking on that one comment and praying like never before until I had my breakthrough.
So I did what I was told.
I pondered that one thought for weeks, if not longer. And, it was a defining moment for me. I understood that God should be my source of joy, but I didn't know how to get there. It's scary when you've been a christian for a long time, if you aren't careful the basics can leave you. Or get cluttered with other things. You get busy doing works, all with good and pure intentions. I no doubt loved God with every fiber of my being. I was even reading my Bible and doing my devotions and spending time in prayer like I was supposed to. But He was not my only, absolute, undying source of joy at that time. Gered had pegged me...my joy was totally wrapped up in having another child.
It's awesome how God is. He showed me areas in my life and in my heart that needed to shift gears. Because, as badly as I wanted to change, God wanted me to change even more. And as badly as I wanted to make Him my absolute source of joy...He wanted it even more. As soon as I was open to make the changes, He showed me the way. I wasn't wrapped up in hard-core sin. I just had my focus all wrong. I had to learn to be happy in life and happy with God regardless of what God chose to do in the area of growing our family.
When I finally grasped, I mean really grasped the idea that God had this all figured out long before I was ever born...then my timeframes and worries and concerns seemed so petty. If God has had it figured out since the beginning of time; then why stess myself over if I was going to get a baby in 2007 or 2008? Or will it be June or August? In the scheme of things does it really matter? I don't want to get our child one day sooner than God wants us to get her. Because that would be Holly's plan and not God's plan.
All of this divine revelation came into being because someone wasn't afraid to tell me the truth. They called it like they saw it and had the guts to speak it to me.
I think it's only fair to say that honesty really is the best policy.
God, I thank you for honest friends. Even if what they have to say stings a little at first. Thank you for Brandi and Gered...and thank you for using them and their precious baby girl to teach me many lessons. I thank you that you made my heart soft enough to be able to receive what was said to me that night...and to be able to do something about it. I pray that you will continue to send Godly people into our lives when necessary. I don't have it all figured out, none of us do. And we all need Godly counsel to tell us the err of our ways...in love. Allow us all to be used to glorify you. God, continue to work in your way and your timing through us.
A Face for Grace,
Holly
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Oh Ye of Little Faith
So I sent the email about the fast to a couple of close friends, just so they could be in prayer with us. Only to find out later that some of them actually fasted with us. My dear friend Doniell told me that everytime she got hungry she just said a prayer for Gracie to get here sooner. OH MY GOODNESS! It just blessed my socks off! I really didn't expect that.
So, with that said...
I am reminded of the verse that says 1 can put 1,000 to flight and 10 can put 10,000 to flight. So, I think we got it covered folks. I am so excited that people love our little Gracie so much. It really ministered to me.
God, I pray that you will move on behalf of all of the orphans awaiting families. And all of the families awaiting their children. God, I pray that the governments of El Salvador, China, Guatemala, Phillipines, etc. will begin to speed up their process to get these children into permanent homes. With their forever families! God we thank you that it's done! And Lord Jesus, it is my prayer that you bless with abundance all of those who are praying for us and with us and also for those who joined us during this time of fasting. Bless them Father.
A Face for Grace,
Holly
So, with that said...
I am reminded of the verse that says 1 can put 1,000 to flight and 10 can put 10,000 to flight. So, I think we got it covered folks. I am so excited that people love our little Gracie so much. It really ministered to me.
God, I pray that you will move on behalf of all of the orphans awaiting families. And all of the families awaiting their children. God, I pray that the governments of El Salvador, China, Guatemala, Phillipines, etc. will begin to speed up their process to get these children into permanent homes. With their forever families! God we thank you that it's done! And Lord Jesus, it is my prayer that you bless with abundance all of those who are praying for us and with us and also for those who joined us during this time of fasting. Bless them Father.
A Face for Grace,
Holly
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
A Rather Interesting Experience
Yesterday I went for my appointment at the New Orleans Immigration office to submit our application and payment for fingerprints and whatever else they have to do.
It was an experience like none other.
Let me start by saying that I would prefer to be chained to the most uncouth, rude and worst mannered officer from the DMV for a week than spend another morning there in that office.
With that said, I think it is absolutely horrible that our tax dollars are at work paying the salaries of the individuals who are "servicing" the public in that office. Where the immensely huge chip on the shoulder came from, I'm not sure. And where, or where is the law that states that you can totally disregard human life and human feelings just because they need something that you can give them...it's totally unacceptable behavior.
98% of the waiting room was filled with people from other race, ethniticity and background. I was one of 3 white americans in the waiting room. I was also one of the only 3 who spoke fluent english. It saddened me horribly to see the lack of respect with which these people were treated since they didn't speak fluent english. I literally saw a 70 year old man get hollered at because his toes were over the black line. I have never witnessed people being spoken so rudely to in my entire life, myself included. From what my social worker says, it wasn't quite this bad before the problems that occured in conjunction with Hurricane Katrina. She said it's been getting worse since then.
Maybe I live in a bubble. Or maybe it's the Jesus in me. Or maybe I'm too sensitive. Or maybe it's just that I think that the entire human race deserves to be treated equally, regardless of race or color. America is a wonderful country, I think that there is no greater place on earth; but acting Supreme over other human beings because you are American was supposed to have ended, I thought, some time after the civil war. Maybe I am reading too much into it all. Maybe they are just frustrated with their jobs. Maybe it gets difficult trying to explain things all day when people don't speak the same language. All I know, is that from the 2 hours that I observed I went away with a pit in my stomach that lasted the rest of the day.
Since I was by myself and forgot to bring a book I talked to and met several different people who were also waiting for various reasons. It was fascinating to learn the different places that people were from and the reasons that they sacrificed a lot to come to America.
With all of that said, and the air cleared on that subject. I made it through the 2 hour wait and got our next appointment for the fingerprints; which is scheduled for May 22nd.
Hopefully they will wake up on the right side of the bed that day.
Dear Jesus,
What I saw yesterday left me with a pit in my stomach. It hurt my feelings to see people degraded. I pray that in everything that I do, I always have the utmost of respect for human life. As we know, we are all made in your image. Little did the office workers realize that by hollering at me, and treating me badly, as well as the others...they were in essence treating you badly. God work on their hearts. Father I pray for all of the others in that room, that were trying to follow the rules and do things the right way. Let Your will be done in their lives. I pray that I remember this experience the next time my flesh rises up and wants to be a little smart to someone for one reason or another.
A Face for Grace,
Holly
PS- I am editing this to add that throughout the course of the afternoon I have been pondering this experience in my mind and I now realize why I've been so upset. It is, of course due largly to the fact that there is little to no regard to feelings or basic customer service skills at this particular immigration office. But, mostly it's because I was reminded of what our Social Worker had told us in one of our training classes. And that is to be prepared for the fact that our child may not be treated the same as others, simply because she will not be white american. Even though she will have an American family, and will be raised in America, there will probably be times in her life when she will feel different, or not as important or left out, or just basically treated not as fairly as if she were to be white american. When she was telling us this I remember thinking that it wouldn't matter...and probably wouldn't happen. Certainly that type of thing doesn't still happen in America. Well, it does happen, I saw it yesterday. And as much as my heart ached for the people yesterday, I believe that it was also aching deep down inside for things that my daughter may have to go through one day. I will continue to pray that we'll be able to shield her from this pain. And to give her the resources to deal with things when she's too old for us to shield her pain...then she'll be able to trust Jesus to be her shield.
It was an experience like none other.
Let me start by saying that I would prefer to be chained to the most uncouth, rude and worst mannered officer from the DMV for a week than spend another morning there in that office.
With that said, I think it is absolutely horrible that our tax dollars are at work paying the salaries of the individuals who are "servicing" the public in that office. Where the immensely huge chip on the shoulder came from, I'm not sure. And where, or where is the law that states that you can totally disregard human life and human feelings just because they need something that you can give them...it's totally unacceptable behavior.
98% of the waiting room was filled with people from other race, ethniticity and background. I was one of 3 white americans in the waiting room. I was also one of the only 3 who spoke fluent english. It saddened me horribly to see the lack of respect with which these people were treated since they didn't speak fluent english. I literally saw a 70 year old man get hollered at because his toes were over the black line. I have never witnessed people being spoken so rudely to in my entire life, myself included. From what my social worker says, it wasn't quite this bad before the problems that occured in conjunction with Hurricane Katrina. She said it's been getting worse since then.
Maybe I live in a bubble. Or maybe it's the Jesus in me. Or maybe I'm too sensitive. Or maybe it's just that I think that the entire human race deserves to be treated equally, regardless of race or color. America is a wonderful country, I think that there is no greater place on earth; but acting Supreme over other human beings because you are American was supposed to have ended, I thought, some time after the civil war. Maybe I am reading too much into it all. Maybe they are just frustrated with their jobs. Maybe it gets difficult trying to explain things all day when people don't speak the same language. All I know, is that from the 2 hours that I observed I went away with a pit in my stomach that lasted the rest of the day.
Since I was by myself and forgot to bring a book I talked to and met several different people who were also waiting for various reasons. It was fascinating to learn the different places that people were from and the reasons that they sacrificed a lot to come to America.
With all of that said, and the air cleared on that subject. I made it through the 2 hour wait and got our next appointment for the fingerprints; which is scheduled for May 22nd.
Hopefully they will wake up on the right side of the bed that day.
Dear Jesus,
What I saw yesterday left me with a pit in my stomach. It hurt my feelings to see people degraded. I pray that in everything that I do, I always have the utmost of respect for human life. As we know, we are all made in your image. Little did the office workers realize that by hollering at me, and treating me badly, as well as the others...they were in essence treating you badly. God work on their hearts. Father I pray for all of the others in that room, that were trying to follow the rules and do things the right way. Let Your will be done in their lives. I pray that I remember this experience the next time my flesh rises up and wants to be a little smart to someone for one reason or another.
A Face for Grace,
Holly
PS- I am editing this to add that throughout the course of the afternoon I have been pondering this experience in my mind and I now realize why I've been so upset. It is, of course due largly to the fact that there is little to no regard to feelings or basic customer service skills at this particular immigration office. But, mostly it's because I was reminded of what our Social Worker had told us in one of our training classes. And that is to be prepared for the fact that our child may not be treated the same as others, simply because she will not be white american. Even though she will have an American family, and will be raised in America, there will probably be times in her life when she will feel different, or not as important or left out, or just basically treated not as fairly as if she were to be white american. When she was telling us this I remember thinking that it wouldn't matter...and probably wouldn't happen. Certainly that type of thing doesn't still happen in America. Well, it does happen, I saw it yesterday. And as much as my heart ached for the people yesterday, I believe that it was also aching deep down inside for things that my daughter may have to go through one day. I will continue to pray that we'll be able to shield her from this pain. And to give her the resources to deal with things when she's too old for us to shield her pain...then she'll be able to trust Jesus to be her shield.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Fasting and Prayer
We received an email from America World indicating that they are requesting everyone to join them in a corporate wide fast for several different things:
Specific Issues in Need of Prayer:
To decrease the wait time for referrals from China and El Salvador;
To allow more orphans in China to be listed and available for adoption;
For paper chasing China adoptive parents who need to reach their May 1st deadline;
For adoption agencies to be accredited in Russia;
For the hearts of leaders in the field of adoption to make decisions in the best interest of children - and not to be motivated by personal greed, ambition, or national pride.
The first item on this list is of particular interest to Jason and I. When we completed our application we were told the current wait time for referral after submission of Dossier was 11 months. Now we are being told that by the time we are logging in our Dossier they expect the wait time to be increased to 14 months. This, of course could increase at any given time. But, my God is absolutely bigger than this and is absolutely in control of this. And I also believe that God moves when His people go to Him through fasting and prayer. So, in retrospect...I absolutely believe that this waiting time frame could rapidly decrease also. It's all in God's mighty hands.
As the email also indicates:
We are praying boldly and in faith—as Jesus taught us in Mark Chapter 11:
"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." -Mark 11:22-24
This would also be a great time to ask your church community, fellowship groups and bible studies to pray together for orphans waiting to be adopted. For those who can join us in prayer and fasting from April 23 - 25, we appreciate your support, prayers and faithfulness.
We are excited about this opportunity to fast for all of those involved in this process and who are waiting for referrals, etc. If you feel led to join us, please let me know and I can forward the email to you for more specific information. If you don't feel led to join us, please join us as we pray for God to move.
Father God, I thank you for this opportunity that has presented itself. Fasting is a hard one for me, as I'm sure that it is for everyone. God, we desire for Gracie to join us sooner rather than later and God, I believe that you will move in this situation. You are absolutely in control. I pray Father, for every other couple on a waiting list somewhere, or who is in a race against time to finish up paperwork. God, go before them and make the way possible. Lord Jesus, we also thank you for leading us to this agency...it absolutely blesses me that they care so much for the orphans of this world, and for my child, that they are requesting a corporate-wide fast. Jesus...pour out your blessings upon them!
A Face for Grace,
Holly
Specific Issues in Need of Prayer:
To decrease the wait time for referrals from China and El Salvador;
To allow more orphans in China to be listed and available for adoption;
For paper chasing China adoptive parents who need to reach their May 1st deadline;
For adoption agencies to be accredited in Russia;
For the hearts of leaders in the field of adoption to make decisions in the best interest of children - and not to be motivated by personal greed, ambition, or national pride.
The first item on this list is of particular interest to Jason and I. When we completed our application we were told the current wait time for referral after submission of Dossier was 11 months. Now we are being told that by the time we are logging in our Dossier they expect the wait time to be increased to 14 months. This, of course could increase at any given time. But, my God is absolutely bigger than this and is absolutely in control of this. And I also believe that God moves when His people go to Him through fasting and prayer. So, in retrospect...I absolutely believe that this waiting time frame could rapidly decrease also. It's all in God's mighty hands.
As the email also indicates:
We are praying boldly and in faith—as Jesus taught us in Mark Chapter 11:
"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." -Mark 11:22-24
This would also be a great time to ask your church community, fellowship groups and bible studies to pray together for orphans waiting to be adopted. For those who can join us in prayer and fasting from April 23 - 25, we appreciate your support, prayers and faithfulness.
We are excited about this opportunity to fast for all of those involved in this process and who are waiting for referrals, etc. If you feel led to join us, please let me know and I can forward the email to you for more specific information. If you don't feel led to join us, please join us as we pray for God to move.
Father God, I thank you for this opportunity that has presented itself. Fasting is a hard one for me, as I'm sure that it is for everyone. God, we desire for Gracie to join us sooner rather than later and God, I believe that you will move in this situation. You are absolutely in control. I pray Father, for every other couple on a waiting list somewhere, or who is in a race against time to finish up paperwork. God, go before them and make the way possible. Lord Jesus, we also thank you for leading us to this agency...it absolutely blesses me that they care so much for the orphans of this world, and for my child, that they are requesting a corporate-wide fast. Jesus...pour out your blessings upon them!
A Face for Grace,
Holly
Saturday, April 21, 2007
I almost forgot to mention
I almost forgot to mention when I was telling of the events of Thursday...
Let me back up a tad. The last part of completing our Dossier is the fingerprinting in New Orleans. All of the reports that we had received from our Social Worker indicated that this office in New Orleans was extremely backed up and had been since Hurricane Katrina. And that we couldn't submit our application until the completion of our home study, even though in other states you can. The estimated time frame on completing this part of our paperwork would, under normal circumstances take only 30-45 days to complete. In New Orleans, it was taking closer to 6 months! 6 Months! Having to wait 6 months would delay everything quite some time. When we first met with her at the end of February she told me that she had couples who were still waiting on fingerprints since Sept/Oct of '06. This was not good.
Those of you who know me best know that this would cause me to lose sleep and panick...for the entire 6 months. Well, that is, the old me. The new me, with God driving and all...couldn't panick or worry to save my life...literally (believe me...I sort of tried to worry about this but I couldn't). I even tried to post about these delays, but never felt a release about it. I didn't want to claim or confess it at all.
This is huge for me.
HUGE.
I talked to a few close people about this whenever talking about the adoption. And every time I'd mention it, it was always like, "My God is bigger than this" or "God is still in the miracle working business" or even "I know God is in control, but I'd love to have you pray with me for favor in this situation". Whenever I would think of this situation, I would have the utmost confidence that God would go before me and work this out. And, that if it took 6 months then that was ok too because God has had this entire thing mapped out from before I was even born. So, He is in control...if it's 6 months then months it will be. The end. So my prayers have been "God, I know that you have this entire situation in your hands and that your perfect timing will prevail." Said with total peace.
So, after Jason's meeting with the social worker Thursday she told me that she had a surprise for me. She and some other social workers on some board or something met with the USCIS officials earlier in the week. This was a meeting that the social workers had been lobbying for since January. In the meeting the officials reported that they now have the man power to process 100-120 fingerprints a day and that they are currently working on February applications. Which means the time frame has decreased from 6 months to 60 days!! (I have no doubt that it will only get quicker, because like I think I may have mentioned before...God has this all worked out.) AND, we get to submit our application NOW even though we haven't finished the home study yet!! So Jason went online last night and set up an appointment for me to go to turn in our application Tuesday morning. We will fed-ex our Home Study report to them when we get it in about 2-3 weeks or so.
I don't know...I think I may be God's favorite or something! (Inside joke at HOF women!)
Father God, this is a huge blessing that you have poured out on us and the other couples in La who are in the process of adoption. God, I thank you that our Social Worker is so concerned with time-frames and orphans that she has been on the backs of these officials since early this year. They recognized that this was unacceptable and they lobbied to change it...for us. God, thank you for continuing to amaze me at how you are blazing the pathway for us to bring our daughter home. I am in awe of your goodness!
A Face for Grace,
Holly
Let me back up a tad. The last part of completing our Dossier is the fingerprinting in New Orleans. All of the reports that we had received from our Social Worker indicated that this office in New Orleans was extremely backed up and had been since Hurricane Katrina. And that we couldn't submit our application until the completion of our home study, even though in other states you can. The estimated time frame on completing this part of our paperwork would, under normal circumstances take only 30-45 days to complete. In New Orleans, it was taking closer to 6 months! 6 Months! Having to wait 6 months would delay everything quite some time. When we first met with her at the end of February she told me that she had couples who were still waiting on fingerprints since Sept/Oct of '06. This was not good.
Those of you who know me best know that this would cause me to lose sleep and panick...for the entire 6 months. Well, that is, the old me. The new me, with God driving and all...couldn't panick or worry to save my life...literally (believe me...I sort of tried to worry about this but I couldn't). I even tried to post about these delays, but never felt a release about it. I didn't want to claim or confess it at all.
This is huge for me.
HUGE.
I talked to a few close people about this whenever talking about the adoption. And every time I'd mention it, it was always like, "My God is bigger than this" or "God is still in the miracle working business" or even "I know God is in control, but I'd love to have you pray with me for favor in this situation". Whenever I would think of this situation, I would have the utmost confidence that God would go before me and work this out. And, that if it took 6 months then that was ok too because God has had this entire thing mapped out from before I was even born. So, He is in control...if it's 6 months then months it will be. The end. So my prayers have been "God, I know that you have this entire situation in your hands and that your perfect timing will prevail." Said with total peace.
So, after Jason's meeting with the social worker Thursday she told me that she had a surprise for me. She and some other social workers on some board or something met with the USCIS officials earlier in the week. This was a meeting that the social workers had been lobbying for since January. In the meeting the officials reported that they now have the man power to process 100-120 fingerprints a day and that they are currently working on February applications. Which means the time frame has decreased from 6 months to 60 days!! (I have no doubt that it will only get quicker, because like I think I may have mentioned before...God has this all worked out.) AND, we get to submit our application NOW even though we haven't finished the home study yet!! So Jason went online last night and set up an appointment for me to go to turn in our application Tuesday morning. We will fed-ex our Home Study report to them when we get it in about 2-3 weeks or so.
I don't know...I think I may be God's favorite or something! (Inside joke at HOF women!)
Father God, this is a huge blessing that you have poured out on us and the other couples in La who are in the process of adoption. God, I thank you that our Social Worker is so concerned with time-frames and orphans that she has been on the backs of these officials since early this year. They recognized that this was unacceptable and they lobbied to change it...for us. God, thank you for continuing to amaze me at how you are blazing the pathway for us to bring our daughter home. I am in awe of your goodness!
A Face for Grace,
Holly
Friday, April 20, 2007
He's sort of pregnant too
Yesterday we went for our psychiatric evaluation. All went very well and we were quite comfortable with the Dr. We did some testing, but will have to go back for the IQ test and more interviews. So I will keep everyone up to date on whether or not we are crazy and, of course, the results of the IQ test. Jason is so sure that he'll be smarter than me. And, well, I have no doubt that will certainly be the case also...but, like I said, a girl can dream, right?
After the psychiatric evaluation, we drove across town for Jason's one on one with the social worker. We are so very blessed...I love this lady to pieces. She has a wealth of knowledge (she is an International Adoption Social worker specialist and has been for 35+ years!) And, we've learned, she is a born again christian. We have been so blessed with everyone we've come in contact with throughout this process are either christians or at least understand our view of things. That is one thing that I prayed for, favor with them all...because I know that not everyone in these professions have christian views. God is so good.
Anyway, back to the title of this post. On the way home from Baton Rouge, Jason and I were talking about the fact that while I was pregnant for Bayli, he was super involved, but I was basically the one doing everything. It was my Dr. appointment that he'd come along to. He was there for ultrasounds and there for the delivery, but I was really the one having the baby. He was absolutely by my side the entire way...my biggest cheerleader and the happiest soon-to-be-father ever. But, let's face it...without me the process may not have worked exactly right. But, as part of the miracle of adoption, he totally gets to be pregnant too. He is evaluated and interviewed just as much as I am. Even though I've done all of the paperwork, he definitely is responsible for his part of this process. What an amazing experience that we both get to take an equal part in! And I love watching him do his part with a joyful heart, he is as excited as I am about everything! But, he was not so thrilled when I told him, "Congratulations honey...your pregnant!" I guess we'll need to rephrase that going forward.
God, I thank you that all has gone well this week. I am sort of getting used to letting you drive all of the time...you know how hard that is for me. You orchestrated things quite nicely this weekm if I do say so myself! Thank you for all of your many blessings and for your favor with people we meet along the way during this journey!
Face for Grace,
Holly
After the psychiatric evaluation, we drove across town for Jason's one on one with the social worker. We are so very blessed...I love this lady to pieces. She has a wealth of knowledge (she is an International Adoption Social worker specialist and has been for 35+ years!) And, we've learned, she is a born again christian. We have been so blessed with everyone we've come in contact with throughout this process are either christians or at least understand our view of things. That is one thing that I prayed for, favor with them all...because I know that not everyone in these professions have christian views. God is so good.
Anyway, back to the title of this post. On the way home from Baton Rouge, Jason and I were talking about the fact that while I was pregnant for Bayli, he was super involved, but I was basically the one doing everything. It was my Dr. appointment that he'd come along to. He was there for ultrasounds and there for the delivery, but I was really the one having the baby. He was absolutely by my side the entire way...my biggest cheerleader and the happiest soon-to-be-father ever. But, let's face it...without me the process may not have worked exactly right. But, as part of the miracle of adoption, he totally gets to be pregnant too. He is evaluated and interviewed just as much as I am. Even though I've done all of the paperwork, he definitely is responsible for his part of this process. What an amazing experience that we both get to take an equal part in! And I love watching him do his part with a joyful heart, he is as excited as I am about everything! But, he was not so thrilled when I told him, "Congratulations honey...your pregnant!" I guess we'll need to rephrase that going forward.
God, I thank you that all has gone well this week. I am sort of getting used to letting you drive all of the time...you know how hard that is for me. You orchestrated things quite nicely this weekm if I do say so myself! Thank you for all of your many blessings and for your favor with people we meet along the way during this journey!
Face for Grace,
Holly
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
A Healing Bridge
I had a conversation tonight that reminded me of some feelings that I had early in motherhood. As badly as I had always wanted to be a mother, honestly it's all I can remember wanting to be in all of my adult life. I thought that I would instantly fall in love with my baby the second that they laid her on my belly. Well, given the fact that I had the "Baby Story from Hell" as my birth experience- I never had that "magical moment" of them laying the baby on my belly and me crying because I'm overwhelmed with love and joy of the moment...all with soft violins playing in the background. Nope, nada, zilch. The only good thing that came out of my delivery was that both me and the baby lived to tell about it; and that almost didn't happen for the baby. Let's just say there was nothing magical about the moment.
There was also nothing magical about the next several weeks. And to be quite honest with you, there were times at the very beginning of Bayli's life where I remember asking myself, "Ok Holly, would you die for this child?" Because, that's what Mom's are supposed to do...die for their children.
And I honestly couldn't answer my own question. I wasn't sure if I was willing to die for her yet.
And she screamed for 16ish hours a day...literally. She did not stop screaming. Not even when she ate...which really made breastfeeding such a joy! :)
Around the time that she was 3 weeks old or so, my nerves really started to cave. She was still screaming all the time, still not nursing well and I wanted to go ahead and check myself on in to the asylum. And I remember looking at her and thinking, I won't have to die for you because you're just gonna go ahead and kill me, aren't you? But through that time of caring for her, even with all of the drama that surrounded her very being; I was absolutely falling in love with her.
My Mom was here one day and I hollered at her (talked loudly over the screaming child) and told her that I wanted to start an orphanage. My love had taken over and I wanted to save all of the babies who were screaming like that and their mother wasn't trying to comfort them. And I wanted to love every baby in the world, especially the ones whose mothers couldn't provide or take care of them.
Then as Bayli grew, and stopped screaming *Hallelujah*, I remember times when we would do something special for the first time I'd look into her eyes and tears would begin to well in the corners of mine, and I would be happy for myself but I would grieve for women who couldn't conceive and would never know the joy that I was experiencing at that moment. I remember the first time we rode the carousel at the Mall of La. She was sitting on the rabbit, and I had my arms around her waist. And as we went around, I looked at her eyes and her chubby face smiling from ear to ear. And her hair was wisping and blowing with the gentle breeze. And I prayed for time to stand still so that I could savor that moment. And instantly I began to cry and the Lord quickened in my spirit that there were women who would never have this experience. My heart broke for the women who would never be able to be mothers and who would never know the absolute joy of riding the carousel with their child for the first time. This happened time after time, and still does happen.
At that time, I had no idea that I may never again have another baby. That I would suffer 2 more miscarriages as well as a year of infertility and topping it off with a partial-molar pregnancy that is another story for another day. I had no idea that I was grieving for my own future...for the things that I may never get to experience again. I praise God that He quickened my spirit to savor those moments.
Of course, now I know why I spoke the words of compassion for the motherless children in the world. And I know why my heart broke for the childless women of the world. Because God was molding me and shaping me to be a person who would bridge the gap between the broken heart of a woman wanting more children (me) to the motherless child in El Salvador who is to be my child...my Gracie. I have no doubt that there will be many childless women that I will be able to minister to in years to come. I also have no doubt that God will bring multitudes of motherless children in my pathway to minister to also. I woudn't be fit for the job had I not experienced first hand the pain and suffering that goes along with this journey.
This tapestry of my life is quite confusing with many elaborate colors. But what a masterpiece it'll be when it's finished!
God, thank you for reminding me of my place in this process. Thank you for making me sensitive enough to listen to your voice and obey your commands. I love our journey and I thank you for using me.
A Face for Grace,
Holly
There was also nothing magical about the next several weeks. And to be quite honest with you, there were times at the very beginning of Bayli's life where I remember asking myself, "Ok Holly, would you die for this child?" Because, that's what Mom's are supposed to do...die for their children.
And I honestly couldn't answer my own question. I wasn't sure if I was willing to die for her yet.
And she screamed for 16ish hours a day...literally. She did not stop screaming. Not even when she ate...which really made breastfeeding such a joy! :)
Around the time that she was 3 weeks old or so, my nerves really started to cave. She was still screaming all the time, still not nursing well and I wanted to go ahead and check myself on in to the asylum. And I remember looking at her and thinking, I won't have to die for you because you're just gonna go ahead and kill me, aren't you? But through that time of caring for her, even with all of the drama that surrounded her very being; I was absolutely falling in love with her.
My Mom was here one day and I hollered at her (talked loudly over the screaming child) and told her that I wanted to start an orphanage. My love had taken over and I wanted to save all of the babies who were screaming like that and their mother wasn't trying to comfort them. And I wanted to love every baby in the world, especially the ones whose mothers couldn't provide or take care of them.
Then as Bayli grew, and stopped screaming *Hallelujah*, I remember times when we would do something special for the first time I'd look into her eyes and tears would begin to well in the corners of mine, and I would be happy for myself but I would grieve for women who couldn't conceive and would never know the joy that I was experiencing at that moment. I remember the first time we rode the carousel at the Mall of La. She was sitting on the rabbit, and I had my arms around her waist. And as we went around, I looked at her eyes and her chubby face smiling from ear to ear. And her hair was wisping and blowing with the gentle breeze. And I prayed for time to stand still so that I could savor that moment. And instantly I began to cry and the Lord quickened in my spirit that there were women who would never have this experience. My heart broke for the women who would never be able to be mothers and who would never know the absolute joy of riding the carousel with their child for the first time. This happened time after time, and still does happen.
At that time, I had no idea that I may never again have another baby. That I would suffer 2 more miscarriages as well as a year of infertility and topping it off with a partial-molar pregnancy that is another story for another day. I had no idea that I was grieving for my own future...for the things that I may never get to experience again. I praise God that He quickened my spirit to savor those moments.
Of course, now I know why I spoke the words of compassion for the motherless children in the world. And I know why my heart broke for the childless women of the world. Because God was molding me and shaping me to be a person who would bridge the gap between the broken heart of a woman wanting more children (me) to the motherless child in El Salvador who is to be my child...my Gracie. I have no doubt that there will be many childless women that I will be able to minister to in years to come. I also have no doubt that God will bring multitudes of motherless children in my pathway to minister to also. I woudn't be fit for the job had I not experienced first hand the pain and suffering that goes along with this journey.
This tapestry of my life is quite confusing with many elaborate colors. But what a masterpiece it'll be when it's finished!
God, thank you for reminding me of my place in this process. Thank you for making me sensitive enough to listen to your voice and obey your commands. I love our journey and I thank you for using me.
A Face for Grace,
Holly
For such a time as this
God's goodness never ceases to amaze me. I am hoping that I have the blessing to tell you of a miraculous friendship that has come about in my life through our adoption process. When we began telling people about our adoption, my across the street neighbor and friend told me of a previous teacher that her child had for kindergarten who was in the process of adopting a child from Guatemala. I was interested in her story, so she sent me a link to her blog so that I could follow her story. I felt an instant kinship with her, as she seemed to be a lot like me; soft hearted, easy to cry and very transparent. There were times that I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking of her family and wondering how their process was going and saying a quick prayer for them. There was another time when I felt an overwhelming urge to pray for her strength...just to learn that right after that they got news that their process had sort of been temporarily halted and their course was changed.
We have never spoken on the phone or in person, but we've been in contact via email and through comments on our blogs. It truly has amazed me how in the past 3 weeks that we've known each other existed how much she has been a blessing to me. Simple things like she knows of our Psychiatrist and could give us some very helpful personal information about him. It was a comfort to me late last night as I was concerned about our meeting him tomorrow.
It just reminds me how God has everything mapped out. He knew that these tender hearted mothers, who are trying to live life while their babies are across the globe instead of in our arms...our sweet Heavenly Father knew that we may need a little more support than normal. He was concerned that we may need people, not only who've been there...but who are in the midst of it, to offer encouragement and support and tell us how their process is going.
I am very grateful to all of our friends and family who are supporting us right now. And I'm also very grateful for the new friends that God has brought into our lives. I know that we are walking in our sweet spot, so to speak. We are right in the middle of God's amazing blessings and perfect will. I remember having someone speak to me at the beginning of this process and telling me that they believed that God was going to ordain certain people to come in and out of our lives during this process for specific purposes and reasons; and that we should consider them blessings because it was all going to be a part of God's plan.
God, thank you for pouring out your blessings over our lives. Thank you for bringing people into our lives during this season. I thank you for my new friend Amanda. I pray that you will bless her and her family as they finish the last leg of their journey. God, you know their situation. And Father, you are no respector of persons. I pray right now in the name of Jesus for mountains to be moved in her situation...God that she will be able to bring Bella home soon, in your name.
Thank you for sending people to me who have been there, and know what I'm walking through. I also thank you for infinite wisdom and the intricate details of your plan that add the spice to our lives. I am a vessel, and I'm honored that you chose me God. Continue to use me Father...that Your will be done and You be glorified throughout this process!!
Honored to be a Face for Grace,
Holly
We have never spoken on the phone or in person, but we've been in contact via email and through comments on our blogs. It truly has amazed me how in the past 3 weeks that we've known each other existed how much she has been a blessing to me. Simple things like she knows of our Psychiatrist and could give us some very helpful personal information about him. It was a comfort to me late last night as I was concerned about our meeting him tomorrow.
It just reminds me how God has everything mapped out. He knew that these tender hearted mothers, who are trying to live life while their babies are across the globe instead of in our arms...our sweet Heavenly Father knew that we may need a little more support than normal. He was concerned that we may need people, not only who've been there...but who are in the midst of it, to offer encouragement and support and tell us how their process is going.
I am very grateful to all of our friends and family who are supporting us right now. And I'm also very grateful for the new friends that God has brought into our lives. I know that we are walking in our sweet spot, so to speak. We are right in the middle of God's amazing blessings and perfect will. I remember having someone speak to me at the beginning of this process and telling me that they believed that God was going to ordain certain people to come in and out of our lives during this process for specific purposes and reasons; and that we should consider them blessings because it was all going to be a part of God's plan.
God, thank you for pouring out your blessings over our lives. Thank you for bringing people into our lives during this season. I thank you for my new friend Amanda. I pray that you will bless her and her family as they finish the last leg of their journey. God, you know their situation. And Father, you are no respector of persons. I pray right now in the name of Jesus for mountains to be moved in her situation...God that she will be able to bring Bella home soon, in your name.
Thank you for sending people to me who have been there, and know what I'm walking through. I also thank you for infinite wisdom and the intricate details of your plan that add the spice to our lives. I am a vessel, and I'm honored that you chose me God. Continue to use me Father...that Your will be done and You be glorified throughout this process!!
Honored to be a Face for Grace,
Holly
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Are we crazy or what?
Thursday we will be visiting a Psychiatrist as part of the necessary paperwork for our Dossier. I would be totally lying if I said that I wasn't nervous, because I am so totally nervous. One of my friends gave me the wise advise "don't try to pull any of that crying stuff that you do all of the time, because then they sure won't give you a baby! They'll know you're crazy for sure!" Got to love the honesty in that statement.
So, I've tried to see the bright side of things.
First of all, if I am certifiably crazy...then at least we'll actually have proof. No more speculating or leaving anything to the imagination. We'll have documentation that will just reinforce what others have assumed for years! :)
Next, between us; I am totally praying that my IQ test will come out with just slightly higher results than that of my genius husband. He is so smart it almost angers me. He knows the capital and population of everything and everywhere (and I'm not just talking United States) he reads the almanac for fun, he also can add/divide/multiply or subtract (wthout pen and paper) way higher than I can even count. So, why would I think that my IQ may be higher? A girl can dream, right? Not that it's a competition or anything, it'll just be fun to see. (I guess the only down side to this would be that my siblings might actually start expecting me to produce more answers at our traditional holiday Trivial Pursuit games. The "deer in the headlights" look may not cut it anymore. I may actually have to read the almanac and learn some interesting facts or something. Geesh! I might be better off skipping the higher IQ, and just strive for a "passing grade"or something like that.)
But honestly, what if I do cry (which I often times do when I am scared, nervous; not to mention happy, sad, anxious. OK- I cry just when I'm breathing...there- I said it!) I am also concerned because we are very vocal about our faith and that God has ordained this part of our lives. A lot of Psychiatrists think that people who talk about God a lot are flaky. I am not going to be quiet about God, but yet- this guy's report could totally make or break our efforts here. So far, we have been very blessed that we haven't felt like we've been invaded or x-rayed, so to speak. We have been very open about this entire process. But this has me a little scared.
Father God, I pray for favor with Dr. Hoppe on Thursday. You have been in control of this entire process, and I know that you will continue to be in control. I know that you have ordained this time in our lives, and we continue to Glorify you throughout the journey we are on. God, I pray that this Dr. will "get" adoptions and understand our reasons for choosing to adopt. I pray that he will be open minded and will see us for who we really are. God, I pray that you will calm all fears and remove all doubt from our minds. God, I pray that you will help us to just be ourselves. I know that since we are made in your image, then being ourselves is actually being You..and that's bound to be more than enough! Thank you in advance for seeing us through this part of our miraculous journey.
Excited to be a Face for Grace!
Holly
So, I've tried to see the bright side of things.
First of all, if I am certifiably crazy...then at least we'll actually have proof. No more speculating or leaving anything to the imagination. We'll have documentation that will just reinforce what others have assumed for years! :)
Next, between us; I am totally praying that my IQ test will come out with just slightly higher results than that of my genius husband. He is so smart it almost angers me. He knows the capital and population of everything and everywhere (and I'm not just talking United States) he reads the almanac for fun, he also can add/divide/multiply or subtract (wthout pen and paper) way higher than I can even count. So, why would I think that my IQ may be higher? A girl can dream, right? Not that it's a competition or anything, it'll just be fun to see. (I guess the only down side to this would be that my siblings might actually start expecting me to produce more answers at our traditional holiday Trivial Pursuit games. The "deer in the headlights" look may not cut it anymore. I may actually have to read the almanac and learn some interesting facts or something. Geesh! I might be better off skipping the higher IQ, and just strive for a "passing grade"or something like that.)
But honestly, what if I do cry (which I often times do when I am scared, nervous; not to mention happy, sad, anxious. OK- I cry just when I'm breathing...there- I said it!) I am also concerned because we are very vocal about our faith and that God has ordained this part of our lives. A lot of Psychiatrists think that people who talk about God a lot are flaky. I am not going to be quiet about God, but yet- this guy's report could totally make or break our efforts here. So far, we have been very blessed that we haven't felt like we've been invaded or x-rayed, so to speak. We have been very open about this entire process. But this has me a little scared.
Father God, I pray for favor with Dr. Hoppe on Thursday. You have been in control of this entire process, and I know that you will continue to be in control. I know that you have ordained this time in our lives, and we continue to Glorify you throughout the journey we are on. God, I pray that this Dr. will "get" adoptions and understand our reasons for choosing to adopt. I pray that he will be open minded and will see us for who we really are. God, I pray that you will calm all fears and remove all doubt from our minds. God, I pray that you will help us to just be ourselves. I know that since we are made in your image, then being ourselves is actually being You..and that's bound to be more than enough! Thank you in advance for seeing us through this part of our miraculous journey.
Excited to be a Face for Grace!
Holly
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Interview #2
Yesterday I had my 2nd Interview with the Social Worker. It was supposed to be an hour and a half session, which lasted precisely 2 and 1/2 hours! I left thinking to myself, sort of pride-fully, "I must be interesting! We had so much to talk about!" Then it dawned on me, "Oh, I must be interesting! Therefore we had so much to talk about!" Maybe nut-case better sums it up? I mean, let's face it...for those of you who know me best, how shall I say it? Drama follows me everywhere I go! My nickname from one of my very best friends ever was "Sista' Job!" If that doesn't explain things, then what else does? (For those of you having a panick attack from reading that comment, you will be pleased to know that I've since learned the power of words, and how even though "Sista' Job" is quite the funny nickname...it's better left unsaid; therefore unclaimed.)
Anyway, we talked in great detail about the basics of my upbringing, teen years, early adulthood, marriage, etc; concentrating on some key areas. At one point during the meeting, she politely asked me how I turned out so normal given all of the tragedy and turmoil that I lived through. To which I replied that I had learned many years ago that life is all about choices. And you can not pave your future based on unfortunate events in your life. Everything that I have been through in life does not get me a license to be a mass murderer or anything of the sorts. It just gives me more Ministry Material, and makes me more thankful for all that Jesus has done for me. To which, she replied, it was a good thing that I took that attitude, because she has met with a lot of people who went through circumstances like my own who were not so fortunate in their outcome. If that isn't a testimony to the healing power of Jesus Christ, then what is? He forgives all, and through Him we are able to forgive and forget circumstances in our lives. I use the word "forget" loosely; I personally have not forgotten any of the bad things that have come my way...but they don't matter anymore- through Christ Jesus.
So, basically, all went rather well. We are plugging along in our 25MPH zone- in the sensible vehicle of course. (For those of you who have no clue what I'm talking about...read post about My Life as an Automobile) Hopefully by the end of the month, we should be finished with our Home Study; at which point we'll be able to move on to the next step (which is the last step before submitting all documents to El Salvador!) I will keep everyone posted!
Face for Grace,
Holly
Anyway, we talked in great detail about the basics of my upbringing, teen years, early adulthood, marriage, etc; concentrating on some key areas. At one point during the meeting, she politely asked me how I turned out so normal given all of the tragedy and turmoil that I lived through. To which I replied that I had learned many years ago that life is all about choices. And you can not pave your future based on unfortunate events in your life. Everything that I have been through in life does not get me a license to be a mass murderer or anything of the sorts. It just gives me more Ministry Material, and makes me more thankful for all that Jesus has done for me. To which, she replied, it was a good thing that I took that attitude, because she has met with a lot of people who went through circumstances like my own who were not so fortunate in their outcome. If that isn't a testimony to the healing power of Jesus Christ, then what is? He forgives all, and through Him we are able to forgive and forget circumstances in our lives. I use the word "forget" loosely; I personally have not forgotten any of the bad things that have come my way...but they don't matter anymore- through Christ Jesus.
So, basically, all went rather well. We are plugging along in our 25MPH zone- in the sensible vehicle of course. (For those of you who have no clue what I'm talking about...read post about My Life as an Automobile) Hopefully by the end of the month, we should be finished with our Home Study; at which point we'll be able to move on to the next step (which is the last step before submitting all documents to El Salvador!) I will keep everyone posted!
Face for Grace,
Holly
Monday, April 9, 2007
Not Quite There Yet
So, yesterday we had a lot of family time, since it was Easter Sunday. And throughout the couple of hours that we spent at Jason's brothers house and then at our house with my family I realized that adoption is not classified as "having a baby". I'm sure that I knew this somewhere in the back of my mind, but it became real to me yesterday. It amazes me how most people do not consider it a big deal, and don't ask about it all that often. They are excited for us and anxious for us to get her, but it's not the same treatment and excitement as being around a pregnant person. I spent the afternoon listening to everyone talk to my sister in law, who is pregnant, about everything about her pregnancy...and I guess I sort of felt left out. Unless you've been there, you can't explain the hurt. It's not a competition, it's not a jealousy, but it is real feelings that I have...and I feel robbed at times. I know that we are going through a different process, one that it totally new to our families. But I am tired of having to offer information to people just to keep them informed and up-to-date on the process...they should ask. If I were pregnant, they would ask; they wouldn't be able to keep their hands off of me or my expanding belly. Well, what about my expanding heart- where my love for my child across the world whom I haven't met yet is overflowing?
All afternoon and part of the day today I battled with these emotions...I felt a little sad. Thoughts of the babies that I've lost kept coming to mind. And I kept thinking that I should be over this by now, and possibly so. But, I've determined that I can not keep my feelings bottled up just to be politically correct. I will deal with things as they surface and I will be my own advocate when necessary, because no one else can do it for me. Adoption is wonderful, I have been very blessed so far during this process. But, there are times (like today) when my arms ached with emptiness. And I remembered a quote that I read right after my last miscarriage.
You never "get over" grief. You just learn how to live without being incapacitated by it.
I would have to say that this is certainly an accurate statement. I, apparently, am not "over" the grief that encompasses losing 3 babies. But I have learned how to live without being incapacitated by it. My life has gone on, but every now and then it stings a little. We are experiencing a huge process to bring us to the point of growing our family. Most people don't realize, even my own husband probably doesn't realize, the pain that I still deal with on a daily basis. It's all real...very real; it just doesn't stop me from living life. I can't allow it to.
I certainly am not so narrow minded that I think that I should have people falling all over themselves to get things for me, or pick things up for me, or ask me how I am feeling...because I certainly am not pregnant. And I loved being pregnant and I am so happy that my sister in law is getting to experience everything that goes along with it. Because, let's face it, it's the happiest time in your life. You are certainly and absolutely special because you are blessed to be carrying life. But what I've learned in the past 24 hours is that I am special too. Not because I'm allowing God to bless us with an adoption and because I'm going to be a Mommy again. But because I am a Daughter of The King. And I've realized that my self worth is no longer wrapped up in becoming pregnant and carrying a baby. My self worth is in Jesus Christ...the one who made me. And He made me and loves me just the way that I am...crazy emotions and all.
Father God, forgive me for trying to get all out of whack, emotionally speaking, yesterday. The Devil tried to pull one over on me. He tried hard to steal my joy and I almost let him. Forgive me for that little twinge of self-pity that tried to sneak up on me. I am so grateful for the process that we are going through, because it has exposed a lot of areas in my heart that need to be pruned and shaped and areas that needed to be dealt with. Thank you for your divine revelations and for always being so loving and forgiving.
Loving the opportunity to be a Face for Grace!
Your Emotional Child,
Holly
All afternoon and part of the day today I battled with these emotions...I felt a little sad. Thoughts of the babies that I've lost kept coming to mind. And I kept thinking that I should be over this by now, and possibly so. But, I've determined that I can not keep my feelings bottled up just to be politically correct. I will deal with things as they surface and I will be my own advocate when necessary, because no one else can do it for me. Adoption is wonderful, I have been very blessed so far during this process. But, there are times (like today) when my arms ached with emptiness. And I remembered a quote that I read right after my last miscarriage.
You never "get over" grief. You just learn how to live without being incapacitated by it.
I would have to say that this is certainly an accurate statement. I, apparently, am not "over" the grief that encompasses losing 3 babies. But I have learned how to live without being incapacitated by it. My life has gone on, but every now and then it stings a little. We are experiencing a huge process to bring us to the point of growing our family. Most people don't realize, even my own husband probably doesn't realize, the pain that I still deal with on a daily basis. It's all real...very real; it just doesn't stop me from living life. I can't allow it to.
I certainly am not so narrow minded that I think that I should have people falling all over themselves to get things for me, or pick things up for me, or ask me how I am feeling...because I certainly am not pregnant. And I loved being pregnant and I am so happy that my sister in law is getting to experience everything that goes along with it. Because, let's face it, it's the happiest time in your life. You are certainly and absolutely special because you are blessed to be carrying life. But what I've learned in the past 24 hours is that I am special too. Not because I'm allowing God to bless us with an adoption and because I'm going to be a Mommy again. But because I am a Daughter of The King. And I've realized that my self worth is no longer wrapped up in becoming pregnant and carrying a baby. My self worth is in Jesus Christ...the one who made me. And He made me and loves me just the way that I am...crazy emotions and all.
Father God, forgive me for trying to get all out of whack, emotionally speaking, yesterday. The Devil tried to pull one over on me. He tried hard to steal my joy and I almost let him. Forgive me for that little twinge of self-pity that tried to sneak up on me. I am so grateful for the process that we are going through, because it has exposed a lot of areas in my heart that need to be pruned and shaped and areas that needed to be dealt with. Thank you for your divine revelations and for always being so loving and forgiving.
Loving the opportunity to be a Face for Grace!
Your Emotional Child,
Holly
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
No Ma'am She Did Not...
Ok, so the obsessing paid off in the fact that I now have immaculately clean and organized closets, pantry and cabinets. But, for the record, our social worker did not even look. I actually had to ask her if she wanted to see the rest of the house. And the required things, fire extinguisher, carbon monoxide detector, etc, she didn't even look for those...she just asked if we had them and took our word for it!
I spoke with a friend of ours from church who is a Social Worker and who used to work in adoptions until just a couple of years ago. And actually, she used to work for our social worker. When I spoke with her yesterday, she was speechless. She told me, "Holly, she trained me. She always checks the house over very thoroughly. This is highly unusual...you obviously have favor with this woman!"
To which I replied, of course we do...why wouldn't we?
Yes ma'am...she did not check the first thing, we just had a nice little talk about certain questions that she prompted. We scheduled our next 2 meetings, and that's how it went.
T.D. Jakes always says, "Favor ain't fair!" Hfm! I guess it ain't...but I'm certainly not complaining!
Face for Grace,
Holly
I spoke with a friend of ours from church who is a Social Worker and who used to work in adoptions until just a couple of years ago. And actually, she used to work for our social worker. When I spoke with her yesterday, she was speechless. She told me, "Holly, she trained me. She always checks the house over very thoroughly. This is highly unusual...you obviously have favor with this woman!"
To which I replied, of course we do...why wouldn't we?
Yes ma'am...she did not check the first thing, we just had a nice little talk about certain questions that she prompted. We scheduled our next 2 meetings, and that's how it went.
T.D. Jakes always says, "Favor ain't fair!" Hfm! I guess it ain't...but I'm certainly not complaining!
Face for Grace,
Holly
Monday, April 2, 2007
It's my Pregnancy
Today our social worker will be visiting us in our home for the first time. I am a paranoid freak about the appearance of our home, especially when it's such an important visit. Jason, being the laid back person that he is, thinks that we should appear "normal"...a few shoes scattered here and there, a few couch cushions out of place. All of the "normal" stuff that "normal" families deal with. I must admit, I've been a little bit of a mad woman the past few days with cleaning and reorganizing things. Let's face it...everything that I did needed to be done, but I was a bit obsessed with making our house presentable. Looking around, everything looks really good...a lot like it did in the days before we had Bayli.
So last night when we were having another "we need to look normal" conversation, it dawned on me that this is the only control that I have over this entire process. I am missing out on finding out that I'm pregnant, figuring out how to tell everyone, feeling the baby move and kick, watching my belly grow, having perfect strangers in Wal Mart ask to feel my belly, laying in the bed at night and having Jason lay his head on my tummy and talking to the baby. I am also missing out on reading and singing to the little one inside of me, and packing our hospital bags, and I'm missing out on being the one that's priviledged enough to bring this little life into the world. And I will also miss out on the first several months of it's life. So, excuse me if I obsess a tad about the few things that I have control over. Forgive me if I get on my hands and knees to clean a spot off of the baseboards.
It's my only pregnancy that I'll get this go-round. And I will not allow her to come here and assess things, interview us, all to decide if we are fit to be parents; and not have things perfect in my home. I have to do everything humanly possible on my end to make sure that we pass these tests. Whether I like it or not, we have to prove ourselves to be good enough. I don't have the luxury of just getting and staying pregnant and then just having a baby like everyone else...this is our process.
This is my equivalent to getting enough folic acid, getting enough rest, taking my prenatal vitamins, eating the right foods and doing everything right. Just as everyone would expect me to do if I were pregnant...this is what I'm going to do for this pregnancy of sorts. And, I've decided, I want to do these things...it's my pregnancy and I'm going to do my part and I'm going to enjoy the process...even if it requires a little extra work. It'll be worth it.
Honored to be a Face for Grace...(even with rubber gloves on and a mop in my hand...)
Holly
So last night when we were having another "we need to look normal" conversation, it dawned on me that this is the only control that I have over this entire process. I am missing out on finding out that I'm pregnant, figuring out how to tell everyone, feeling the baby move and kick, watching my belly grow, having perfect strangers in Wal Mart ask to feel my belly, laying in the bed at night and having Jason lay his head on my tummy and talking to the baby. I am also missing out on reading and singing to the little one inside of me, and packing our hospital bags, and I'm missing out on being the one that's priviledged enough to bring this little life into the world. And I will also miss out on the first several months of it's life. So, excuse me if I obsess a tad about the few things that I have control over. Forgive me if I get on my hands and knees to clean a spot off of the baseboards.
It's my only pregnancy that I'll get this go-round. And I will not allow her to come here and assess things, interview us, all to decide if we are fit to be parents; and not have things perfect in my home. I have to do everything humanly possible on my end to make sure that we pass these tests. Whether I like it or not, we have to prove ourselves to be good enough. I don't have the luxury of just getting and staying pregnant and then just having a baby like everyone else...this is our process.
This is my equivalent to getting enough folic acid, getting enough rest, taking my prenatal vitamins, eating the right foods and doing everything right. Just as everyone would expect me to do if I were pregnant...this is what I'm going to do for this pregnancy of sorts. And, I've decided, I want to do these things...it's my pregnancy and I'm going to do my part and I'm going to enjoy the process...even if it requires a little extra work. It'll be worth it.
Honored to be a Face for Grace...(even with rubber gloves on and a mop in my hand...)
Holly
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