A Healing Bridge

I had a conversation tonight that reminded me of some feelings that I had early in motherhood. As badly as I had always wanted to be a mother, honestly it's all I can remember wanting to be in all of my adult life. I thought that I would instantly fall in love with my baby the second that they laid her on my belly. Well, given the fact that I had the "Baby Story from Hell" as my birth experience- I never had that "magical moment" of them laying the baby on my belly and me crying because I'm overwhelmed with love and joy of the moment...all with soft violins playing in the background. Nope, nada, zilch. The only good thing that came out of my delivery was that both me and the baby lived to tell about it; and that almost didn't happen for the baby. Let's just say there was nothing magical about the moment.

There was also nothing magical about the next several weeks. And to be quite honest with you, there were times at the very beginning of Bayli's life where I remember asking myself, "Ok Holly, would you die for this child?" Because, that's what Mom's are supposed to do...die for their children.

And I honestly couldn't answer my own question. I wasn't sure if I was willing to die for her yet.

And she screamed for 16ish hours a day...literally. She did not stop screaming. Not even when she ate...which really made breastfeeding such a joy! :)

Around the time that she was 3 weeks old or so, my nerves really started to cave. She was still screaming all the time, still not nursing well and I wanted to go ahead and check myself on in to the asylum. And I remember looking at her and thinking, I won't have to die for you because you're just gonna go ahead and kill me, aren't you? But through that time of caring for her, even with all of the drama that surrounded her very being; I was absolutely falling in love with her.

My Mom was here one day and I hollered at her (talked loudly over the screaming child) and told her that I wanted to start an orphanage. My love had taken over and I wanted to save all of the babies who were screaming like that and their mother wasn't trying to comfort them. And I wanted to love every baby in the world, especially the ones whose mothers couldn't provide or take care of them.

Then as Bayli grew, and stopped screaming *Hallelujah*, I remember times when we would do something special for the first time I'd look into her eyes and tears would begin to well in the corners of mine, and I would be happy for myself but I would grieve for women who couldn't conceive and would never know the joy that I was experiencing at that moment. I remember the first time we rode the carousel at the Mall of La. She was sitting on the rabbit, and I had my arms around her waist. And as we went around, I looked at her eyes and her chubby face smiling from ear to ear. And her hair was wisping and blowing with the gentle breeze. And I prayed for time to stand still so that I could savor that moment. And instantly I began to cry and the Lord quickened in my spirit that there were women who would never have this experience. My heart broke for the women who would never be able to be mothers and who would never know the absolute joy of riding the carousel with their child for the first time. This happened time after time, and still does happen.

At that time, I had no idea that I may never again have another baby. That I would suffer 2 more miscarriages as well as a year of infertility and topping it off with a partial-molar pregnancy that is another story for another day. I had no idea that I was grieving for my own future...for the things that I may never get to experience again. I praise God that He quickened my spirit to savor those moments.

Of course, now I know why I spoke the words of compassion for the motherless children in the world. And I know why my heart broke for the childless women of the world. Because God was molding me and shaping me to be a person who would bridge the gap between the broken heart of a woman wanting more children (me) to the motherless child in El Salvador who is to be my child...my Gracie. I have no doubt that there will be many childless women that I will be able to minister to in years to come. I also have no doubt that God will bring multitudes of motherless children in my pathway to minister to also. I woudn't be fit for the job had I not experienced first hand the pain and suffering that goes along with this journey.

This tapestry of my life is quite confusing with many elaborate colors. But what a masterpiece it'll be when it's finished!

God, thank you for reminding me of my place in this process. Thank you for making me sensitive enough to listen to your voice and obey your commands. I love our journey and I thank you for using me.

A Face for Grace,
Holly