Honesty really is the best policy

I remember the night well. I had just lost our 3rd baby and I was in an emotional tail spin to say the least. I placed a frantic email to some high school friends who had just adopted a precious child from China. I fixed dinner and they came over and I sat there badgering them with question after question about adoption.

God had began speaking to us about adoption several months prior, through their adoption. I received a link to their blog and I'd check it like 3 times a day for updates. I was hooked...it was better than any reality TV show ever produced. I prayed for them, and I ached for them to get their referral. I told everyone I knew about their story because it had me so enthralled.

My husband became hooked too. He'd call me from work, asking me if I saw the latest update on "the blog". Of course I always had.

I knew that God was beginning to soften both of our hearts towards adoption. It was absolutely not at all what I wanted. I thought it was awesome for them, and I wanted to adopt one day...but not now. I was holding out for my pregnancy that I deserved due to previous loss. Jason and I would lay in bed at night and cry for the child that we wanted, and for the children that we had lost. We wondered what on earth God was up to. All the while I kept stifling my feelings that God may be leading us to adopt. I remember arguing with God, saying that I was supposed to go to the hospital to have a baby...not get on a plane and fly to a different country! What type of birth plan is that? I never saw that on A Baby Story!

We were so happy for my friends...we couldn't stop talking about what was taking place in their lives. We prayed for them and believed for them.

Then one day it happened. Jason said to me, "Do you sometimes think it'll be us? Do you think we're supposed to adopt too?" I spun around and looked at him in disbelief. He had been thinking the same thing as me for months but neither one of us had said anything until that moment.

Then we got pregnant.

Then we lost that baby too.

The night my friends came over, I was a wreck. I talked non-stop. It was totally woe is me, and I don't deserve this, and I want a baby now...right now. She really tried to comfort me and offer suggestions and they answered every question I threw at them.

I remember wanting someone to make it all better. To say something that would solve everything. He was very quiet most of the evening. You know the old saying about how people who are very wise listen a lot and only speak when they have something great to say? Well, it happened. After being quiet most of the evening, he looked at me and said in a very gentle tone, "Holly...just make sure that your joy isn't wrapped up only in getting a baby."

That's it. One simple yet hugely profound statement that rocked me to the core...and changed my life. It kept me awake at night. I pondered the word "joy"...looked at it from every angle. The one thing that kept coming to my mind was "delight". Then I thought of the scripture "delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." So, then I thought that I must not be delightful. But, certainly I'm very delightful. It was a madhouse inside my mind. I couldn't get that comment out of my mind.

So I went to an Associate Pastor at church; for counseling with the whole package. The loss of the baby, the questions about adoption, the defeat that I couldn't shake for the life of me, the fog that absolutely would not clear. The confusion, and hurt and fear of the "what-if's" and the "why not's?". I unloaded on him that day. And I mentioned that one statement that my friend had made to me. About making sure that my joy wasn't wrapped up just in getting a baby. And our pastor said to me, "That is a statement made from someone who understands your journey. He didn't just come up with that on a whim...he's been there. That is the single most important thing that anyone could have said to you. I think you needed to hear it, and I think it took him great courage to say it. That is wisdom." He then challenged me to continue thinking on that one comment and praying like never before until I had my breakthrough.

So I did what I was told.

I pondered that one thought for weeks, if not longer. And, it was a defining moment for me. I understood that God should be my source of joy, but I didn't know how to get there. It's scary when you've been a christian for a long time, if you aren't careful the basics can leave you. Or get cluttered with other things. You get busy doing works, all with good and pure intentions. I no doubt loved God with every fiber of my being. I was even reading my Bible and doing my devotions and spending time in prayer like I was supposed to. But He was not my only, absolute, undying source of joy at that time. Gered had pegged me...my joy was totally wrapped up in having another child.

It's awesome how God is. He showed me areas in my life and in my heart that needed to shift gears. Because, as badly as I wanted to change, God wanted me to change even more. And as badly as I wanted to make Him my absolute source of joy...He wanted it even more. As soon as I was open to make the changes, He showed me the way. I wasn't wrapped up in hard-core sin. I just had my focus all wrong. I had to learn to be happy in life and happy with God regardless of what God chose to do in the area of growing our family.

When I finally grasped, I mean really grasped the idea that God had this all figured out long before I was ever born...then my timeframes and worries and concerns seemed so petty. If God has had it figured out since the beginning of time; then why stess myself over if I was going to get a baby in 2007 or 2008? Or will it be June or August? In the scheme of things does it really matter? I don't want to get our child one day sooner than God wants us to get her. Because that would be Holly's plan and not God's plan.

All of this divine revelation came into being because someone wasn't afraid to tell me the truth. They called it like they saw it and had the guts to speak it to me.

I think it's only fair to say that honesty really is the best policy.

God, I thank you for honest friends. Even if what they have to say stings a little at first. Thank you for Brandi and Gered...and thank you for using them and their precious baby girl to teach me many lessons. I thank you that you made my heart soft enough to be able to receive what was said to me that night...and to be able to do something about it. I pray that you will continue to send Godly people into our lives when necessary. I don't have it all figured out, none of us do. And we all need Godly counsel to tell us the err of our ways...in love. Allow us all to be used to glorify you. God, continue to work in your way and your timing through us.

A Face for Grace,
Holly