Not Quite There Yet

So, yesterday we had a lot of family time, since it was Easter Sunday. And throughout the couple of hours that we spent at Jason's brothers house and then at our house with my family I realized that adoption is not classified as "having a baby". I'm sure that I knew this somewhere in the back of my mind, but it became real to me yesterday. It amazes me how most people do not consider it a big deal, and don't ask about it all that often. They are excited for us and anxious for us to get her, but it's not the same treatment and excitement as being around a pregnant person. I spent the afternoon listening to everyone talk to my sister in law, who is pregnant, about everything about her pregnancy...and I guess I sort of felt left out. Unless you've been there, you can't explain the hurt. It's not a competition, it's not a jealousy, but it is real feelings that I have...and I feel robbed at times. I know that we are going through a different process, one that it totally new to our families. But I am tired of having to offer information to people just to keep them informed and up-to-date on the process...they should ask. If I were pregnant, they would ask; they wouldn't be able to keep their hands off of me or my expanding belly. Well, what about my expanding heart- where my love for my child across the world whom I haven't met yet is overflowing?

All afternoon and part of the day today I battled with these emotions...I felt a little sad. Thoughts of the babies that I've lost kept coming to mind. And I kept thinking that I should be over this by now, and possibly so. But, I've determined that I can not keep my feelings bottled up just to be politically correct. I will deal with things as they surface and I will be my own advocate when necessary, because no one else can do it for me. Adoption is wonderful, I have been very blessed so far during this process. But, there are times (like today) when my arms ached with emptiness. And I remembered a quote that I read right after my last miscarriage.

You never "get over" grief. You just learn how to live without being incapacitated by it.

I would have to say that this is certainly an accurate statement. I, apparently, am not "over" the grief that encompasses losing 3 babies. But I have learned how to live without being incapacitated by it. My life has gone on, but every now and then it stings a little. We are experiencing a huge process to bring us to the point of growing our family. Most people don't realize, even my own husband probably doesn't realize, the pain that I still deal with on a daily basis. It's all real...very real; it just doesn't stop me from living life. I can't allow it to.

I certainly am not so narrow minded that I think that I should have people falling all over themselves to get things for me, or pick things up for me, or ask me how I am feeling...because I certainly am not pregnant. And I loved being pregnant and I am so happy that my sister in law is getting to experience everything that goes along with it. Because, let's face it, it's the happiest time in your life. You are certainly and absolutely special because you are blessed to be carrying life. But what I've learned in the past 24 hours is that I am special too. Not because I'm allowing God to bless us with an adoption and because I'm going to be a Mommy again. But because I am a Daughter of The King. And I've realized that my self worth is no longer wrapped up in becoming pregnant and carrying a baby. My self worth is in Jesus Christ...the one who made me. And He made me and loves me just the way that I am...crazy emotions and all.

Father God, forgive me for trying to get all out of whack, emotionally speaking, yesterday. The Devil tried to pull one over on me. He tried hard to steal my joy and I almost let him. Forgive me for that little twinge of self-pity that tried to sneak up on me. I am so grateful for the process that we are going through, because it has exposed a lot of areas in my heart that need to be pruned and shaped and areas that needed to be dealt with. Thank you for your divine revelations and for always being so loving and forgiving.

Loving the opportunity to be a Face for Grace!

Your Emotional Child,
Holly