It's my Pregnancy

Today our social worker will be visiting us in our home for the first time. I am a paranoid freak about the appearance of our home, especially when it's such an important visit. Jason, being the laid back person that he is, thinks that we should appear "normal"...a few shoes scattered here and there, a few couch cushions out of place. All of the "normal" stuff that "normal" families deal with. I must admit, I've been a little bit of a mad woman the past few days with cleaning and reorganizing things. Let's face it...everything that I did needed to be done, but I was a bit obsessed with making our house presentable. Looking around, everything looks really good...a lot like it did in the days before we had Bayli.

So last night when we were having another "we need to look normal" conversation, it dawned on me that this is the only control that I have over this entire process. I am missing out on finding out that I'm pregnant, figuring out how to tell everyone, feeling the baby move and kick, watching my belly grow, having perfect strangers in Wal Mart ask to feel my belly, laying in the bed at night and having Jason lay his head on my tummy and talking to the baby. I am also missing out on reading and singing to the little one inside of me, and packing our hospital bags, and I'm missing out on being the one that's priviledged enough to bring this little life into the world. And I will also miss out on the first several months of it's life. So, excuse me if I obsess a tad about the few things that I have control over. Forgive me if I get on my hands and knees to clean a spot off of the baseboards.

It's my only pregnancy that I'll get this go-round. And I will not allow her to come here and assess things, interview us, all to decide if we are fit to be parents; and not have things perfect in my home. I have to do everything humanly possible on my end to make sure that we pass these tests. Whether I like it or not, we have to prove ourselves to be good enough. I don't have the luxury of just getting and staying pregnant and then just having a baby like everyone else...this is our process.

This is my equivalent to getting enough folic acid, getting enough rest, taking my prenatal vitamins, eating the right foods and doing everything right. Just as everyone would expect me to do if I were pregnant...this is what I'm going to do for this pregnancy of sorts. And, I've decided, I want to do these things...it's my pregnancy and I'm going to do my part and I'm going to enjoy the process...even if it requires a little extra work. It'll be worth it.

Honored to be a Face for Grace...(even with rubber gloves on and a mop in my hand...)
Holly