Ok God, I Hear You

So, as I'm sure you are aware of, from reading my past several posts...I'm a little down. I'm trying with all of my might to not be. But, it's been really, really hard for us. It's a tad overwhelming to go through all that we've been going through, on top of being in ministry (that can be very draining if you aren't filling up constantly), on top of working outside of the home- in conjunction with the ministry and adoption and the Holidays...add it all together and combine a little dose of fear with my brother being in Iraq. When you sum it all up- life is just a little hard to live right now. I am very transparent and have no reason to hide things from anyone. The truth of the matter is, if I'm not careful I could stay in my pj's every day and hide out....I didn't realize how susceptible I am to depression- I've never really been at this place before.

Today I've been working on cleaning out my office at home. It's totally another post for another day- to say the least. One of my goals for the new year is to simplify things. I'm very organized by nature- but simple I'm not. I've got to purge some things. From my heart, from my mind and from under our roof. It's amazing how you can accumulate things and not notice it when you are organized and can find a place for everything to where it fits nice, neat and tidy. But, I've decided to simplify- lighten the load. This will not be a natural thing for me...I'll have to work hard at it this year- but I feel that it'll be worth it in the long run.

So, back to the story at hand. I've been cleaning out my office and I came across some stuff in a pile of scrapbooking paraphernalia. As I was digging through the pile and pitching stuff with a vengeance, I came across a little footprint and hand print of Bayli's from when she was about 4 months old. I took a picture of her every month on her "birthday" and stamped her footprint so that I could compare how it grew. I tried every month to stamp her hand print also- but you know how babies clench their little fists- I always ended up with a smudged little mess of ink, but this month I had gotten it perfectly. It went so well I made 2 that month. Which explains why one is in her album and one was in this stack. But seeing that little bitty 2-3 inch big footprint and little bitty handprint took my breath away. The next thing in the stack was a picture of her at that age...in all of her sweet baby goodness.

My heart breaks.

Then as I'm silently screaming at God in my mind- "God! Are you listening!! Why oh why is all of this happening this way?! Have we heard from you? Are we supposed to be on this path? Are we on the right path? I don't like this path! It seems so lonely and so forelorn! Hello!!! ... Are you listening?? You promised me that we would have children...that the fruit of my womb would be blessed!"

Then the next thing in the stack, oddly enough and very out of place, is a Christmas card that my Dad sent to us years ago. And the verse on it reads: "Every promise from God shall surely come true" Luke 1:37

Ok, God- so you are listening. I'm listening too. And I love you with all of my heart. I'd rather be on no other path than this seemingly unending one...because I know that you are right there with me, always. And that you always make good on your promises...always!

Face for Grace,
Holly

Wow! Another post!

Yes, we're alive and well. Sorry for the delay in posting. It's hard to explain, but it seems like posting is such a lot of work for me recently. I think of things that I need to BLOG, but when it comes down to it, I just don't feel like it.

And, the truth is, this Christmas has been very hard for us. I really thought things would be easier this year, but the fact of the matter is- it's another year without another baby. We had a wonderful time with Bayli, but there is something missing in our hearts and in our home. Not to mention that we should have a 5 month old right now. I also remember sitting at my Mother in Laws table last Christmas, we had only told a few people that we'd mailed off our adoption application because I was afraid they would think we were acting on impulse from the last miscarriage. But,at that time, the wait time was only 11 months from Dossier submission. I remember thinking that if I could only make it until this Christmas, we'd be right around the corner from getting a baby. There was this mental little timeline thing...and this Christmas was a major milestone. Well, now we'll be lucky to get her by next Christmas. I realize that's only another year. But, not having that hope this year made things sting a little bit more.

So as to not leave things on a sad note. I will say that one of the highlights of our holiday was running into my friend Amanda at the mall this past weekend. She had Bella with her. And, she is just a doll! My heart was about to explode just looking at her! I couldn't wait to hold her! Which, from reading this post, you'll see that has been an issue with me. The next morning, Jason asked me why I was able to hold Bella so willingly, but can't hold my own niece. The only way that I could describe it was that she didn't remind me at all of what I've lost...only she gave me such hope for what is to come! It really did my heart good to see them both.

God, my heart hurts, a lot. I pray for all the orphans in the world, but especially for the orphan that is to become our child. God, bless her and keep her safe. I pray that you move the mountain that is standing between us! Jason gets mad because he thinks I'm not fighting enough, but I don't know how to fight this one. It's all up to you God...I pray for favor in this situation and in our finances- especially regarding the adoption. I pray for good things to come!


Face for Grace,
Holly

'Fore'heads are better than one

I know you must be thinking that my title is incorrect. The old saying is actually 3 heads are better than one. However, in the mind of an adorably witty 4 year old...things are a little different.

The other day I was stealing some kisses from miss Bayli. Every now and then she gives me a hard time and pretends that she doesnt love to be showered with kisses...even though we know better than that. Anyway, she was giggling and laughing and trying to play hard to get. All of sudden she pointed to her forehead and asked me to "Kiss me right here Mommy." So I obliged. Then she asked me "What is this thing called again?" (still pointing to her forehead) I answered that it was called her forehead. Her face lit up with excitement and she got a huge smile on her face and quickly responded excitedly, "Next year it'll be my fivehead?!" And then she took off running into the living room, leaving me cracking up laughing, to kiss her Daddy on the forehead and loudly proclaim, "I kiss you on your thirty-threehead Daddy!"

Is that cute or what?


Face for Grace,
Holly

The Powers that "B"

When Bayli was about 18 months old she named her favorite blanket her "B". To be totally honest with you, we didn't even realize it was her favorite until she named it. The blanket came in a set with a little outfit, matching hat, socks and complete with the bib. It was precious and was one of my favorite shower gifts, given to me by my friend from high school, Brandi and her husband Gered. Of course she outgrew the little outfit when she was about 4 or 5 months old, and I packed it away for safe keeping. But the blanket stayed out. We had 2 or 3 blankets that we alternated; for swaddling when she was an infant, and for covering her up with as she got older. Apparently some where along the way, she picked a favorite...and she named it her "B".

"B" is still very much with us today. We don't allow her to drag it along like Lionus on Charlie Brown, but she probably would if we'd let her. She loves that blanket. Recently I was looking back at the scrapbooks that I've done since she was born. And I was amazed to see how many pictures has "B" in them. I wrapped her in it on her trip home from the hospital. I covered her with it on her first trip to the pediatrician. I also have a picture of her covered with it when she was about 6 weeks old and we were going to take her Christmas pictures. It has accompanied her on trips to Pennsylvania, Florida and Tennessee. Not to mention that it has comforted her during many ear infections, stomach viruses, 3 sets of tubes, an adenoidectomy, tonsilectomy and even a 3 day hospital stay this spring.

When I was pregnant last year, we were cautiously optimistic. I would love to say that we were just down right excited without a care or fearful thought in the world. However, that just wasn't the case. The day before Thanksgiving last year we had the first Ultrasound that showed a very strong heartbeat. Whew! We had made it past another hurdle in the pregnancy. The day after Thanksgiving we went Christmas shopping. I allowed myself to get a little excited and I bought a "B" for the baby. We didn't want to know what we were having, so I bought this soft baby green one. I love that baby green...so sweet. I kept that "B" on my nightstand so that it was the last thing I'd see at night and the first thing I'd see every morning. I wanted the sight of it to bring me to a place of excitement. I'll never forget walking into my bedroom after we got home from the hospital after my D&C...seeing that blanket on my nightstand. All that I could do was hold it and cry...thinking of the baby that this "B" would not swaddle. Jason put it away the next day.

The other day we were shopping for our trip to Tennessee and we went into Carter's to get Bayli a few things. We were looking around and suddenly Bayli said, "Mommy, I think we need to buy Grayci a "B"...she's going to need one you know." At first I hesitated because I hate to begin getting my hopes up, knowing that from the information that they're giving us that it'll likely be another year before we get her. But then I thought about it. I thought about the lifetime that we'll have Grayci as our daughter. And in the scheme of things, 1 year isn't really that long...especially if it's God's perfect timing. And I decided to stop guarding my heart so much, that it'll never heal if I don't deal with these things.

So, we bought a "B"...

It's hanging in my closet, and every day I look at it and think of the little life that it will be a part of. The sweet body that it'll cover at night. Maybe she'll feel the seam around the edges like Bayli does, or maybe she'll touch her face with the softness, or maybe she'll want to cuddle with it when she skins her knee, or maybe she won't be a blanket girl after all, but it's ok. Because what that "B" represents is so much more to me than the pretty floral fabric and seam around the edges...the softness of that blanket- it softens my heart a little more. It's a little bit of hope for my continually broken heart.

It's a reminder of what good things are still to come for us...

Face for Grace, Holly

Look...a new post!

Well, I didn't realize quite how long it's been since I've posted anything. We're here, just not blogging much. We are getting ready for some exciting Thanksgiving fun with family. It's hard to believe that the holidays are already here! Time really is moving quickly.

We just made our 4 month birthday...into the waiting game, that is. However, we just found out that our "Gestation Period" is lengthening some. During the 11 months that we've been on this journey we've gone from 15-18 months total processing time, from application through to referral, to now having a wait time of 12-18 months from Dossier submission. For those of you who don't have a clue about international adoption, basically this means that where we originally thought we'd get Gracie around March of '08, then it was more realistically June/July of '08..now we're looking at Dec of '08 or Jan of '09! A whole year from now! Which makes our total process just over 2 years total! When we first got this news, it was upsetting but really didn't shock me much. There had been no referrals coming out, so I had a hunch that they were going to push things back a tad. But when you've come this far, there's really such a peace. Even though the waiting stinks, I have a peace that it's just all in God's timing. The only time that I get antsy at all is when I take things on myself, and don't let God drive.

Our adoption coordinator has asked us to have all of our friends and family continue to pray for the government of El Salvador...they just are not in a hurry to process these applications. I would ask for all of you to pray for us as we continue to wait. Wait on the adoption, and wait on God. I know that He can move these mountains.

Father God, help us and keep us strong as we continue to wait in the process of growing our family. It gets hard when my mind keeps telling me that we're wasting time. Then my heart keeps telling me that we're right on time in your will. The battle between my heart and my mind is a tough one! God I continue to surrender to you and your will in this situation. You will be our rock and our strength and our joy!

Face for Grace,
Holly

God made Everything...even thumbs

Back before I had a child, you know in the day when I knew everything, I was determined that my child would never "get used" to needing a pacifier, and I would most certainly not have a thumb-sucking child. Heaven's no!

Then came the early days of sleepless nights, sleepless days...and general sleeplessness. And, my oh my the crying. Everyone in the house did a whole lot of crying those first few weeks, but Bayli took the cake. We became desperate, we tried everything, spending probably close to $100 trying to find a pacifier the child would take. We shoved everything in her mouth in an attempt to get her to suck it...we put her thumb, her fingers, her whole fist...possibly even a foot on occasion. Anything to end the crying and to get her to stop the incessant crying. All to no avail.

Somehow we all made it through, and fastforwarding about 6 months; one day we watched her study her hands for quite some time. Then all of a sudden she put her right thumb in her mouth and the rest is history.

And, for someone who did not want a thumb sucking child, I must say...it melted my heart. I still think it's one of the most precious sights in the world...watching a sleepy baby sucking their thumb as they drift off to a peaceful sleep. We knew that we should stop it then, but she was a baby, and it was so cute...so we let it ride. All the while in the back of my mind I kept telling myself that we'll break it when she's about 2. That should be simple enough.

On Bayli's 2nd birthday, I was just 2 weeks past learning we'd lost our 2nd baby. It was a hard time, and she was still a baby herself, so I decided we'd let it go a little longer. After all, she was growing so much and so fast every day, this kept her more of a baby. We decided that it was ok for her to suck her thumb only while sleeping for naps and bedtime. Any other time we'd find her sucking it, we'd make her stop. For some reason I kept thinking that 4 years old was my cut off. 4 is the limit, too old to keep sucking your thumb.

Now she's 4. And she's my only baby still...And, it still melts my heart, and I still think it's sweet, and she only does it for about the first 15 minutes of sleep. But I know it's time. And the dentist confirmed it at her last appointment.

She's been asking for a pink ballerina room. So, we figured that might be some good ammunition to work with. We'll encourage her to stop sucking her thumb and when she masters it completely, we'll give her the pink ballerina room of her choice.

She went along with the plans quite nicely for the entire first day of the "new plan". We even went to Lowe's to pick out some paint chips, just for some tangible incentive. But as bedtime approached she started crawfishing big-time. And as I tucked her in that night, I prayed with her that God would give her strength to help beat this habit. And I prayed scripture over her, "Bayli can do all things through Christ who strengthens her!" It was looking good, until she turned over and said, "Mommy, in Club Faith we learned that God made everything." Stupid Mommy, not even realizing I'm being set up here, pipes up with "That's right honey...God did make everything. And He made all things good and perfect." So, my 4 year old, that's going on 14 replies, "Yes, Mommy...even thumbs. God made thumbs...and they're good. So I'm going to keep sucking mine until I'm older. We'll just wait on the pink room, ok?"

Now, what do you do with that my friends?

Can we talk?

*Disclaimer...if you do not want a glimpse into the reality and transparency of me...what's really going on inside me...please move on and do not continue reading.

And, I ask that you please do not judge me for being real.*

I remember the day clearly. 2 weeks after the loss...still trying desperately to pull myself together. Something was said to us that just should not have been. And right then and there I subconciously decided that the grieving process was stopping, even though I had not dealt with a thing...I had not accomplished a thing aside from crying for 2 weeks. I carefully chose my bricks and firmly planted them in the fashion of a wall. It's quite lovely, ivy growing on it, pretty flowers. All covered up. Disguised quite nicely. You have to look very carefully to even realize that there is indeed a wall there. But it's holding back the river of healing that so desperately needs to take place...that I want to take place. I want to be free from the weight of this wall, and free from the hurt and the pain that it's hiding. I also know that God wants me to be free from it all...it is not His will for me...

I am going out on a limb here, and might end up regretting it. But, I have realized over the course of the past several weeks that I am not totally healed, mended, whole, whatever from the course of events that we've been dealt over the past 6 years of life. I'm not sure why I thought I was ok, I guess because I've managed to do what I do best...get busy and get things done.

I've set some goals, and accomplished them. I've taken on new projects, and most are nearing completion, if not totally finished. I've implemented some systems and have an entire legal page filled with an on-going to-do list. But, no where on the list is there an entry 'take care of Holly'.

The day I learned we lost the last baby I started clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth, severely. I thought it would let up after some time had passed. Well, 10 months has passed and I'm still crying myself to sleep most nights and I'm still waking up with splinters of plastic in my mouth from grinding my splint so badly. I wake myself up several times in the middle of the night because I'm grinding so badly and I can't stop. My shoulder is swelling off and on and I've been having odd chest muscle pain, all from grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw. It's now to the point that my Dentist is totally worried about the long-term damage and, he's totally frustrated because he can't do anything more to help me stop.

Let me stop right here and admit...I am totally defeated in this area...and I'm mad about it.

See, I am smart enough to know there is a bigger problem here. One that can't be solved by getting my splint adjusted. And I'm mad at myself that I can't get to the root of the problem, spiritually speaking. I know this is an attack, and I know that I should be prepared to fight. However, it appears that I'm not. And that makes me mad. I've been saved, and have been full-steam ahead, on-fire for God for 14 years...I should not be battling with this- I should be able to lick this; but it appears that I'm too tired. I'm too tired from keeping myself so busy so that I won't have to think about it or deal with it at all.

My question is, how can you live life and deal with a huge major life thing...how do you heal from 6 years of repeated hurt, suffering, disappointment, grief and loss? When the only way you've ever known to "deal" with something is to stay busy? To not think? To remain numb? It's just the easiest thing to do...dealing with it takes too much time. I'm OCD, I'm pretty sure that's well documented. So, really and truly, how does one go about managing work, home, dishes, supper, meal-planning, grocery store, not to mention bathing, brushing teeth, etc AND take the time to heal and learn to be ok with something that has totally rocked me to the core? Am I analyzing too much? I'm sort of an all or nothing sort of gal, dealing with bits and pieces at a time so that by the time I'm 52 I have this whole thing worked out just isn't good enough for me. How do I get past the hurt for longer than a few days without it festering back up again? How do I get to the point where I can have a conversation with a friend from High School and explain why it is that we only have one child, without getting angry? When does that come? When does the pain stop?

What I've done up until this point is just went on with life, still praying, reading my Bible, spending time with God...hoping that my emotions will catch up with my mind and my body. But it hasn't totally worked yet. It's too much surface stuff...I need to go deeper somehow. Get to the heart of the matter...but who wants to do that...honestly?

Because apparently the easiest way is not always the best way. Because this stuff that you haven't dealt with begins to seep out of your pores in every area of your life. It limits you. And I don't want to be limited, because I serve a God without limits and boundaries.

I don't want to sound like I'm going off the deep end. I know that my life is in God's hand. And I know that He will continue to sustain me. I'm just hurting still, and I don't know how to stop. I'm tired of just coping, because I know that God has more than that for me. And, I'm just being honest. I am not one to put on a show or put on a front...I'm real. And this is the real me right now...thank you Jesus that you are there to rescue me!

Father God, I know that you already know everything about me. You know how badly I'm hurting...you see it and you want me to give it to you. I know that, I just have to do it. God, there are times when the pain is so overwhelming.......it takes my breath away. God, help me. I don't even know what to pray anymore...or how to pray...but You know God. You know. Thank you for loving me...even when I'm in a funk like this. God, heal my broken heart. Father God, I spoke to a friend the other day and mentioned that maybe it's a good thing that we still have this wait time ahead of us...maybe me and You can get some "stuff" worked out. I love you so much God, and all I want is to serve you with my whole heart. And I know that my whole heart isn't available right now b/c of this hurt over the losses and also the words that were spoken. God, those words hurt worse and have done more damage. Help me try to work past that, to forgive that person. God, this is it, all laid out on the line. Tell me the next step, please show me. I can't live like this any more.

Face for Grace,

Holly

A Perfect Princess Party

I've been a little hesitant about posting this, I think part of it is denial. It hurts to type the words that Bayli is officially 4 years old. 4 years old. I mean, it's not like she's ready to drive or anything, but there is absolutely no sign of baby anywhere on or around her. She is so past that, she is officially a little girl, with this 4th birthday making it official.

Regardless, we set out to have a Princess Party. And, indeed...a Princess Party it was.






We had glass slipper invitations (the pic is a bad example of how very cute they were) glass slipper cookies, we played "Slipper, Slipper...who has the Slipper?" (a princess version of hot potato), we played "Pin the slipper on Cinderella's foot" and the kids even decorated their own cupcakes with the sprinkles that were in the little acrylic glass slippers.

It was, in the words of a very special Princess, "a perfect day and a perfect party...and I wouldn't change a thing Mommy". In my opinion, that is a very high compliment coming from a princess.

(In this picture she's showing off her new "Princess" ring that Grammy and Paw gave her...it's adorable!)

Sorry sweet princess, you will always be my Baby...no matter how much of a Big Girl you grow up to be!!

Face for Grace, Holly

I held a baby

Some of you might not find this to be a big deal, but I held a baby. Which is something that I have not done in almost 3 years since my last nephew was born. Maybe some of you out there who have experienced loss or infertility might be able to relate to what I'm about to share. Some of you might find that I'm crazy. Regardless, it's my feelings. I haven't been so good at sharing my feelings recently, hence the lack of posts, but I guess now is as good a time as any.

I guess it's best described as needing to guard my heart. I can't explain the physical pain that my heart experiences when I'm around someone's baby. There is such a longing...it's overwhelming. I can think of no other way to guard my heart than to just not hold them.

It's a little sweet smelling 8 lb reminder of what I've lost, wrapped up in a soft little blanket washed in Dreft. And it's agonizing to me.

Jason's brother and his wife had their first baby last week. It was an emergency, she was born a couple of weeks pre-mature with both Mom and baby ending up in ICU. They are both fine now and are both home, praise God! We went to visit them Saturday night in the hospital. And it seemed like the right thing to do, and I wanted to hold her, but I was afraid that I couldn't trust my own emotions. Jason held her first, and he was a natural. He swaddled her for them, and then picked her up and loved on her. It hurt me to watch him. I can't give him what he wants...another child. Then Bayli wanted to hold her, so I had to help. Bayli climbed into my lap and we both held the baby tightly. We took off her little hat to see the sweet, soft little baby hair. She smelled so precious. She made tiny little noises. We investigated her tiny little hands and marveled at her itty bitty fingernails.

It was a precious moment that Bayli and I shared, but it should have been with me showing her our baby. The three of us marveling at her new little sister or brother and investigating all of their sweet little features.

I held it together until we were driving away and I noticed that Bayli was quiet. That doesn't happen too often. I asked her what was wrong and she said with tears in her eyes and chin quivering, "Mommy, I wanted us to be the ones with the new little baby."

Me too....sweet girl...me too

Face for Grace,
Holly

Ode to the "Kitchen" flag

Apparently the very first thing Bayli's class does every morning is Pledges. They say their pledge to the Bible, the pledge to the Christian Flag and the Pledge of Allegiance. I love the habit training she is receiving, and she seems to be catching on quite well...at least to the pledge to the Bible. The other two flag pledges she has combined into one...and it goes a little like this:

I pledge allegiance to the 'Kitchen' flag of the United States of America,
and to the public for which kingdom it stands,
One nation under God, 'indibidible'
with life, liberty and justice for all who believe.

For those of you who don't know your pledge to the Christian Flag...this is a very good combination of the 2 pledges combined as one. Now, I have to admit that I ascribe to the club of letting the cute phrases go, figuring she is only little once. What's the harm in calling a Starburst a Starbucks anyway? But Jason feels that even though it is indeed oh so cute, we must absolutely correct her at once. I know that's what the professionals will tell you to do, but maybe they just don't know just how much I enjoy this little girl and how much I need for her to stay little for as long as absolutely possible.

But, I am the most patriotic girl one will ever meet. I get angry every time I watch someone from the USA winning a gold medal at the Olympics and they don't sing along with our National Anthem. That is my absolute number 1 pet peeve in life! And, another interesting little tid-bit I bet you didn't know about me...my 2 favorite songs EVIR are "Proud to be an American" by Lee Greenwood and "The Star Spangled Banner". That is the absolute truth. For real. I absolutely love our country and we are absolutely blessed beyond measure to live in such an amazing place. We are the land of the free and the home of the brave people...for the love of all things Red, White and Blue...please sing along the next time you are on the podium receiving a gold medal and representing our country, ok?!

I digress.

Anyway, due to my over-the-top patriotism and feeling it was my duty as a fine upstanding citizen, I did correct Bayli on the pledge to the Kitchen flag and explained that instead it's the Christian flag. She's doing better with it...now it's more like "Kritchen" flag. She's getting there. Even though the 2 pledges are still combined as one long pledge to everything including the "Kritchen" sink :)

face for grace,
Holly

Adventures in Dog Sitting

Jason, Bayli and I had the adventure of a life-time this weekend...dog sitting.

Anyone who has known me for at least, oh say, 5 minutes knows that I really don't love dogs, or cats, or any other animal, to put it lightly. Actually, I can't think of any other way to say it than to say that I really, really dislike dogs...strongly. Very strongly. I don't like to see them hurt, or hungry or abandoned along side of the road...but even more than the fact that I don't like to see them suffer, I really don't like to see them at my house at all.

But I love my sister and brother in law, so we decided we'd help them out during their long weekend away. We agreed to watch their little 8 lb dog. 8 lbs, couldn't cause that much trouble, right? I should have went back in my memory to when someone else I know was 8 lbs, then I would have had a clear recollection of what trouble an 8 pounder could really be.

Now, let me begin by saying that as far as dogs go, this one is pretty cute. Adorable actually. Cute personality and little floppy ears, very cute. And had it not been for the 4 times that she escaped from our loving arms to frolick around the subdivision, complete with me diving to the ground in hopes of catching her. And our neighbors laughing at us because they know of our "love" for the canine friends. And the fact that we've been woken up at 5:30AM every morning, because even though this cute little doggy sleeps until 10:00 with Mommy and Daddy...apparently it just ain't so when she's away from home. Aside from these few little incidents, we might have decided to keep her...because she's just that cute.

But, 3 really great things came out of this weekend:
#1- Jason has decided he doesn't want a dog after all
#2 Bayli even decided that having a dog is over-rated
#3- I now have even more leverage if any of the above-mentioned folks have a weak moment and change their mind about wanting a dog. I can casually bring up this weekend...enough said.

It's just a lot of work. And when you are as busy as we are, you have to pick and choose the things that are important enough to spend extra time and energy on. And, I think we established the fact that having a dog doesn't fit into the right category. I'm sure it's like having a baby. It's a lot of work, and a lot of extra time. But see, God knew that so he created this thing called "Maternal Instinct" and He makes your "Biological Clock" tick, etc. If there is such a thing as a "Canine Instinct" or "Canine Clock"...I missed it. God didn't give it to me or I've lost it or something.

But, tomorrow is a new day. And then sweet pup will be going home. I'm sure that we'll miss her...although she may not miss us. I'm sure she'll be much happier to get home. But we made it through and we learned some important lessons. And praise God...I'm no longer the only person in my house that doesn't want a dog!

What on earth are they teaching them?

Well, I am pleased to announce that Bayli loves school and loves her teacher and all seems to be well in the school area. She cried every single day last week, except for Monday, because I was, you know, the self-appointed Teachers Assistant that day. And, I guess, there is no need to cry when your Mommy goes to school with you and all. But, this week she has decided that school is good, even if we do "have to do this every single day!" She hasn't cried once this week and loves to tell me every detail of everything, including the specific details of the hair accessories that each girl wore that day. She can also tell me what every child had for lunch too. Maybe that's why her sandwhich is only half eaten when I pick her up.



And she has learned a ton of new things already. Aside from how to stay in line, that she is number 13 and she must always line up behind Rebekah, who is number 12, and she's also learned about raising your hand before you speak. She has also learned real quick-like that the teacher has a hidden stash of treats for those who are "caught doing something good"...and let me tell you...she has learned to totally maximize her treat-earning possibilities.



They've learned all kinds of new Bible stories too...like last Friday when they learned the one about "Madame and Eve"! She showed me the picture of them, and had the entire story quite accurate...except the Madame part. She's quite ready for Bible College, don't you think?



Of course, they are learning other important things like numbers and letters, etc...but there are no exciting stories to mention about that. Oh, and she is the door holder this week! And she takes it quite seriously too. When I dropped her off yesterday morning, she announced loudly as we were opening the car door, "The door holder is now here!".



We may not be able to stand to live with her when she gets promoted to Line Leader!



Face for Grace,

Holly

We lived to tell about it...

Well, today was the first day of school. We are still alive, and I guess we're even going back tomorrow. We'll see in the morning.

Really, all in all- it wasn't bad. I guess I had cried enough the entire weekend that it wasn't so bad today. It took my breath away when Jason got her dressed in her uniform, then she walked into my bathroom for me to fix her hair. She suddenly looked rather grown up. I was not impressed with the thought of her growing up and having a backpack, a lunch bag and everything else. It's just crazy...she's still a baby.

But I do have a confession to make. I stayed the entire day today to "help" the teacher. Hey...she asked for volunteers throughout the year. I just decided to start the first day! I promise that I helped and I didn't show my child any favortism. After all, I'm used to that with her being in Club Faith every Sunday and Wednesday. I've become rather good at being in the room with her without favoring her. Even if I do think she's the cutest one in the room :) (Kidding!)

I was rather amazed at how well Bayli did. I was concerned because she's the youngest in her class, but you couldn't tell when observing the entire class. That makes me feel better about everything. I was afraid that she'd be helpless in this big class of 20 kids. I guess being a "mommy" you tend to be an enabler to your child's helplessness. It's what we do- we do everything for them, even if they are more than capable of doing it for themselves. But, today I realized that everything that I've worked so hard to achieve during the time I've spent at home with her became my own worst fear...she was fine without me and is a very capable, confident and competent little girl. But when we got home, we were barely in the door when she climbed up into my lap for me to hold her. I stroked her hair and we talked for a few short minutes about the favorite parts of her day before she drifted off to sleep. She was literally snoring in a matter of seconds. I needed to start supper, but chose not too. I just kept rocking her and stroking her hair and kissing the top of her head. I held her for about 15 minutes before laying her down for a little nap.

It was a sweet moment...one that we both needed.

Face for Grace,

Holly

Train up a child

From very early on in my pregnancy with Bayli, I remember praying one specific thing...I prayed for a child with a sweet spirit. I had never raised a baby before, but I had dealt with many, many children and I determined that children with a sweet spirit seemed to be correctable and very teachable, not to mention the obvious sweet hugs and sensitivity.

I've heard, over the course of the years, many pregnant women praying for specifics about their babies...things that they want. The hair color, the eye color, long eyelashes, they pray for a "good" baby...one that doesn't cry too much and sleeps well. All of these things are fine, and I believe that God wants to us to pray specifically for things we desire, as it's His will to give us the desires of our heart. I honestly didn't pray for much more than a healthy baby with a sweet spirit. I did, on more than one occasion make my request known before God that I desired to have a girl, but I knew that the sex of the baby had already been determined at conception, so praying for it at that time really wouldn't change much.

But I did continually pray for a child with a sweet, teachable and correctable spirit. I figured if she had that, then everything else would fall into place.

Throughout her life so far, I cannot even begin to count the number of people who have told us about what a sweet spirit she has...perfect strangers have commented on it. We even had a perfect stranger pay for our lunch one day because they thought that Bayli was so sweet and loved how we prayed together as a family. That was during her stage when she'd throw her arms up into the air and shout "AMEN!" after we would pray!

Now... is she always sweet? Not always, she can be mean and bossy and demanding and caddy just like little girls (and big ones too) are known for. But, when Jason or I try to talk to her, she listens and understands. I have witnessed her repent in a very sincere manner many times.

Jason and I take turns reading and praying with her every night. And a couple of months ago, Jason came out of Bayli's room after reading and praying with her and said that she had asked him about asking Jesus to live in her heart to forgive her of her sins. At 3 1/2! And she has quite an understanding of it all. She is very sensitive to the fact that Jesus died on the cross for her.

Earlier this week, we were talking in the car and she said to me, "Mommy...I've made a decision. I think that it's not fun to make you or Daddy sad or Jesus sad when I do wrong things. So, I've decided I'm just going to listen the first time all of the time. Is that ok?" (We encouage first-time-obedience as part of our discipline and child-rearing)

I was floored.

With tears streaming down my face, I encouraged her and told her of course that was more than ok...and that would make Jesus and Mommy and Daddy very happy and very proud. And that there may still be times when she may not listen the very first time even though she knows she should. And if that happens, she can just ask Jesus and us to forgive her and it's all forgotten about. Then we both said I love you's...started by her.

This was 5 days ago. And I cannot even begin to explain the level of sweetness this week. She really, truly is a changed little girl...we've had first-time-obedience all day, every day the entire week. It has been utterly amazing.

Now, do I think that she will be perfect from here on out? Absolutely not. But somewhere, somehow a change has taken place. She's gotten a taste of something real, and we need to continue to foster that and help her grow in her walk. Her walk of obedience to us, her parents, and to her Heavenly Father.

See, I am so very sad about her starting school...I'm really having a super hard time with it. I feel like my "job" is being taken away from me...like I've been demoted. Being a full-time Mom is what I do. Now someone else will be raising her for about 7 hours of the day. My heart and my home will be empty until 3:00 every day. But, praise God that I was able to see a glimpse of the reward of the molding and the shaping that has taken place in our home for the past almost 4 years. I know that we still have a long way to go, but she is beginning to "get it"...she is beginning to grasp what we've been pouring into her since the day of her birth. God has revealed to me that she's going to be ok. I've done my job until this point...and I've done it well. Now someone else will handle her education.

Someone else will teach her phonics, reading and writing, but I will still be her one and only Mommy.

Father God, sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with anguish because of the babies we've lost and with my desire to mother someone else. Sometimes the pain in my heart is unbearable...I just wish there was one person out there who understood that I could talk to. But God, if for right now I can only be the mother to one child...thank you for allowing me the privilege of being the mother to Bayli. Thank you for creating her to be the light of our lives. She is wise beyond her years and it is an awesome honor to be her mother and to be a part of the journey of her life. Even though I am so priviliged to be one of the first people to share the love of Christ with so many children week in and week out...there is no greater joy than sharing Jesus with my sweet girl. God, she's getting it! She's getting and gaining an understanding of Your love! I pray that we can continue to foster her sensitivity and encourage the desire she has to please you. I pray that Jason and I are pleasing to you as parents. Please show us and guide us and teach us as we continue to teach her.

God, protect Graci...I pray that if she's been born yet that she has someone in the orphanage to bond with. Someone who does more than just meet her physical needs. I pray that she feels love...God, we love her so much even though we don't know her yet. God, keep her safe...her mind, her body, her spirit...keep her safe and protected.

Face for Grace,
Holly

We're still here

It's been a while since I've posted. But, no news = no post! We've been very busy with VBS/Cheering for Jesus & Sports Clinics. We had a bigger turn out than we originally expected and had an amazing week. The rain held off all week until the last night, which was sort of a bummer. But we worked through it and still managed to have a very successful week.

Scott, my brother, was home last week before heading off to California for additional training prior to heading to Iraq. We had a very good week visiting with him and hated to see him go. He feels that it's something he needs to do, which is why he re-enlisted. All that we can do now is pray for his quick and safe return.

We are already almost 4 weeks in to the waiting game for Gracie. The time has gone quickly because we've been so busy. I can't wait...to see her, smell her, hold her, just get to know her. My heart yearns to mother someone else. I pray that God is preparing this little girl for her freak of a mama...I've been holding back so many emotions and have been denied so many "mothering opportunities" through the miscarriages that I don't know if she'll be ready for me when I finally get to meet her. I think I will hold her and squeeze her until my arms break!

Life has been very hard for me recently. My mind is in constant warfare...actually my mind and heart are battling each other a lot. I know it's because the due date from our last pregnancy is still so fresh on our minds and hearts. Bayli will be starting school one week from today. Then I'll have an empty nest. I know that has a lot to do with my sadness too. I still struggle a lot with my emotions...trying to keep them in check and at a healthy balance. I know that it's normal to be emotional; I mean, we've been through a lot. But God is good and He will continue to grow us as we complete this journey.

Isaiah 55:11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

I am also struggling with going back to work. I know it's something that I must do in order to pay for the rest of the adoption. But, I'm concerned with fitting everything into my schedule. I have a lot of hours that I already put into our children's ministry...a lot of hours. Going back to work 3 days a week will make it almost impossible to do the work for the ministry. I am battling...it's like I feel God telling me to trust Him for the rest of the finances. But it doesn't make sense...I'm afraid of making a wrong decision either way.

God, thanks for loving me even when I'm a tad bit skeptical about things. I know, deep down inside my heart that you've got this whole thing figured out. I know that you have a plan for Gracie to be a part of our family, so I know that you have a plan to pay for her becoming a part of our family. God I pray that you will continue to show and reveal to us the next step that we should take...give us unquestionable peace. Prepare our hearts to hear your voice.

Face for Grace,
Holly

VBS is NOT good for the BLOG

Just for the record, VBS is not good for the BLOG. I've been burning the candle at both ends in an amazing way the past couple of weeks. Sorry for the lack of posting. I have a friend that jokes with me that they'll need to take a vacation day to read all of my posts because I usually post all the time. Well, now's the time to catch up if you are behind. This will probably be it for a while.

Not only is this week VBS/Cheering for Jesus/Sports Clinics, we also have Water Day Sunday. Not to mention that Scott, my brother, is coming home for a one week leave from his training prior to heading out to Iraq. The next 10 days will probably be a blur. But it's going to be good! Nothing fuels me more than ministering to a bunch of kids! And I'm very excited about seeing Scott and spending as much time with him as he can stand.

Nothing new on the adoption front. All of our paperwork has been sent, now we just wait for it to be processed. We're still looking at about a 12 month wait, but we're of course praying for things to proceed more quickly than that.

There's also the fact that my baby girl will be starting school in a few short weeks. I'm not happy about this, but it's the way that it is. I know that it will be good for her, she's so ready to learn more. But I plan on spending some major time with her in the next few weeks. This will be the last few days we'll have like this. Things will be different after she starts school. She'll be more independent and she'll be a big girl. I just don't like change...

Anyway, see you guys in a week or so, unless something majorly post-worthy happens.

Face for Grace,
Holly

YEAH for BELLA

Some of you may remember my friend Amanda that I've met through our adoption process. She and her husband have been going through so much during their adoption process. They've been caugh up in a lot of red tape and just plain old craziness, with months of delays and not an end in sight! But, God has heard our prayers and He has moved...and she's got good news! BELLA IS COMING HOME! You've got to visit her BLOG to see this precious baby. It is the absolute best news that I've heard in forever! I can't describe the happiness that I feel for them right now...I can only imagine that their hearts are overflowing with joy, excitement, relief...

God is good, and He answers prayers!

A great weekend & a reflection about tomorrow

Yesterday Jason and I celebrated our 12 year anniversary. 12 years. It seems impossible...the time really has passed so quickly. To celebrate we got away for a few days, just the 2 of us. We had a great time...it was a much needed mini-vacation. Jason really went all out in making sure that we had a special and memorable weekend and anniversary! He is such an awesome husband...and I am one blessed woman to have him! While we were away, we got a call from Christi at our adoption agency, and she told us that our Dossier was mailed out and was on it's way to El Salvador! That was the news that we really needed to hear, at a time that I really needed to hear it.

Tomorrow, July 16th is the due date of the last baby that we lost. Due dates are always the hardest days to face. No matter how hard you may try to not dwell on the loss, or on what should have been...you can't help but wonder about what should have been. We should be welcoming a new life into our family tomorrow. A new bundle of joy with 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes. With itsy-bitsy little hands and feet. We should be eagerly awaiting the time when we get to meet this precious little life, learning the personality of this new family member. I still cry for this baby...my heart really still does hurt over the loss.

All weekend I teared up at the sight or sounds of little babies. It was really difficult to stop the tears. But I did. Even though I had so many thoughts of the life that we've lost, I had to make the decision to be ok with going on. I decided that I was going to have a good weekend, and that instead we would celebrate the lives that are still to come into our family. Whether biological or through adoption; our family will grow, and Jason and I will be ready and waiting when it happens.

I wonder about who she would have looked like. Would she suck her thumb like Bayli? Would she have a head full of hair? Would she have been another 9 lb moose? Would she......if only we had been able to know. From past experience I know that tomorrow will be one of the 3 hardest days that I will ever face. But I will face it, and eventually the sun will set and night time will come, and a new day will be only a few hours away. And I will make it through, even though I wish I didn't have to.

Father God, I know that you have us on this journey for a reason. We really are excited about our future, even though the present is sort of difficult right now. I know that it will get better and you will carry me and Jason through. Thank you that your hand is upon us as we continue with our adoption. I thank you for being with us during the paperwork process, and I praise you for having your hand upon our papers as they are being processed in El Salvador. I pray for favor, that things will go according to your marvelous plan...as we continue to the next leg of our journey. I thank you for a sweet little girl that we will name Gracie, that will come into our waiting arms and hearts and home in your precious, perfect timing.

Face for Grace, Holly

Something unexpected

I've struggled with whether or not to post about a particular recent happening in our lives, but I finally decided after much prayer that God needs to be glorified for the work He's done. Without giving away too many details, I will try my hardest to tell a sensible story without too many holes in it.

One of my earliest posts was in reference to my fear regarding the financial side of our adoption...and that after much prayer and just daily laying down my fears and struggles at His feet, I came to place of peace. I was not sure how the finances would come about, but I knew that God had spoken this to us...therefore He would provide.

I have tried many times to make this work out according to how I thought it should go. Jason and I had made the decision when I got pregnant for Bayli that I would stay home with her. The end. It was absolutely important for both of us. When we decided to adopt, I figured I would go back to work to help fund the adoption; and then would stay home again after Gracie came home. But we knew that I only had a few short months until Bayli started K-4, and neither Jason or I felt that it was fair to Bayli for me to go back to work now- just to fund the way for another child to come into our lives. I automatically assumed somewhere in the back of my mind that God would just send an angel with a check written from The First Bank of Heaven to the tune of $20,000. Well, we waited...and it didn't happen.

After much dragging our feet and gnashing of teeth, we did something we did not want to do...we got a loan for the adoption. With the intentions of after Bayli started school and got settled, that I would go to work part-time to pay this loan off.

I sought counsel from 4 or 5 different people regarding this decision. They were people that I really trusted, and whose opinions I value greatly- and most importantly they were people who I really trusted would give us Godly counsel. They are also people who are good stewards of their money and don't have a lot of debt, if any at all. They all had slight variations on their opinions, but all basically agreed that it was ok to get the loan, so long as we paid it back quickly. I had peace about this, but still really struggled with whether or not this was the right thing to do. I wanted to trust God for the finances, but I also didn't want to put a time-limit on Him, but then I didn't want to do things on my own accord. So, we continued to pray and fast and felt a release to get the loan. We figured that if God felt the need to bless us unexpectedly with monitary blessings, we would just apply it to our loan and pay it back that much quicker. We also went into it with the understanding that we'd pay for everything we could out of pocket, that the money from our loan would be there for the bigger payments that we didn't have time to save up for.

With all of that said, I had gotten to a place of peace with the way that we are paying for the adoption. It wasn't my ideal of what we'd do in a perfect world, but I was ok with it. But we were still believing for all of the blessings that God felt should come our way. We have sowed seeds, continued with our tithes and offerings above our tithes. And I thanked God that I had found a job that I could do 3 days a week while Bayli was in school to pay this off. It was all good.
Then, all of a sudden, out of the blue...the unexpected happened. God had impressed upon someone's heart that they should bless us with a specific amount of money towards the adoption. They said, "It's not much"...but it was plenty. Not just the dollar amount, but the whole package...the kind words, the hugs, the prayers, the fact that they were obedient to what God had instructed them to do. And, last but not least, the reassurance to us that God really certainly has ordained this time in our lives. And we were at a point where we needed another confirmation to that fact.

The best part was, we had to make a payment Friday when we sent off our Dossier. We also had to pay quite a bit for all of the apostilles, and for the shipping fees. And everything was covered with our unexpecting blessing.

Our Pastor just shared with us Sunday night at a Leadership Meeting a quote that goes "if it's God's will, it's God's bill"...

Father God, we were content but still asking and praying for bigger, for more. Thank you for not allowing us to make due with just making it...thank you for giving us more than we hoped and asked for. We continue to leave this all in your hands...the rest of the process, the rest of the money that we'll need, the waiting, the everything that goes along with it. Thank you that you speak to your children, and thank you for making our hearts soft to listen and obey.

Face for Grace

A college education is definitely required...

I woke up this morning and my child was a 3 year old asking 3 year old questions. By about 4:30 this afternoon, she had blossomed into a 3 year old asking 20 year old questions. Now, make no mistake about it, we've always known she was smart. We joked when she was 1 year old that we were going to pre-enroll her in Harvard. I realize that everyone thinks their child is the smartest, brightest human being that God ever created...and we, obviously were no exception to that.

For her 1 year check-up the pediatrician asked me if she could say about 3 words, even if others couldn't understand them...if we were the only ones who could understand them they still counted as words. I took a quick mental inventory of the words that Bayli could say, I'm talking clearly say where perfect strangers could understand her. The total was 15+ words. I'm not just talking "Mama" and "Da-da" type of stuff here. By her one year birthday she could say the normal stuff plus "balloon" and "elephant". By 18 months she was up to 100+ words.

How cute, we thought. Awe...she loves to talk. We really had no idea...It's now a race for the child to get in 10,000 words by 9:45. IN THE MORNING!

I really thought I was prepared for the question stage, because she's been talking for so long. And she has always talked so much, and was down-right good at it. I feel safe in saying that talking could be considered a hobby for her. Maybe one day she may be able to tie it into a lucrative profession. I'm telling ya'll...she's that good.

Anyway, for the past forever, she has been dabbling with the question phase. Just dippin' her toe in the water apparently. Why is it supper and not lunch? Because we already had lunch. But why? And so on it goes. Well, today she decided to try her hand at the big guns. She was helping me make supper and asked, "Mommy...when I tell someone I'm 3 with my hand (holding up 3 fingers) what holds my fingers up?" My limited 1 1/2 years of college education self answered her in all honesty "Your hand and your arm holds your fingers up". She said, "No Mommy what makes them stand up straight and not fall over...is there sticks in there?!" Oh. Ok.

So much for the typical 3 year old "why" questions. At this rate, by Christmas I might have to enroll in some night classes at the local university to keep up my qualifications to be her primary care giver!!

Face for Grace

FED EX spells RELIEF

Well, today was the day. We officially mailed our Dossier today! As much as I thought I had everything together waiting for that one last document from New Orleans; I was sadly mistaken the more I looked things over. I had over looked a few things, misinterpreted a few instructions and just plain old messed a couple of things up. I'm making it sound a little worse than it actually is...I was able to correct everything in just 2 days. But it did leave me scurrying around a bit more than I had wanted to today. I feel pretty confident that all is well right now, we're just going to have to wait it out for a few days until I hear from Christi, our coordinator from America World.

I got very nervous earlier today when I handed my documents over to the clerk at the Secretary of State's office to be Apostilled. My hands were shaking and I had a hard time letting go. I can't put a finger on it; maybe it was just the finality of this stage in our lives...or a deep down fear that something might be wrong, or maybe just a fear of letting those papers out of my hands for the 10 minutes it took for her to process them. Regardless of why, I can promise you that I went through a broad spectrum of emotions today; excitement, pressure and tension, overwhelmed with tears at one point...but eventually total relief won out. I feel as though we'll be able to have our lives back now. I had no idea how much of my time this would consume. Now we'll be consumed with waiting and watching the pages of our calendar flip as time passes.

Anyway, just for the fun of it, I thought you guys might be interested in seeing the fruit of our labor. This is the plethora of paperwork, documents, home study report, psychological report, etc. This is what has taken me since February 20th-ish to complete. And, rest-assured, there are several of these stacks that are more than one document deep.

Aside from the stacks of paperwork, I've also included a picture of one of our photo pages. Aren't we cute?

I've really enjoyed this part of the process, but I'm glad to be leaving it behind and moving on to the next step. I will, no doubt, keep everyone posted on any progress from here. Aside from being officially logged-in, I can't imagine there will be much to communicate for quite some time. Which means that you'll have to be bored with hearing about "us" for a while...just good old family stuff while we wait.

Are we there yet? Is it May 2008 yet?

Just kidding! Have a great weekend!

Face for Grace

Being OCD is hard work...

I've admitted before that I'm a tad OCD. This should come as no surprise to any of you. However, I realized this weekend that this is hard work. I need to lighten up and give myself a break already.

See, I don't allow myself many hobbies; I guess it's because I don't rest well if I can't follow something through to completion. I love to scrapbook. Any every time I have the opportunity, I scrapbook like the wind because I can't stand to be behind...I am only at peace when I'm caught up or working on current pictures. There is no such thing as just leisurly doing a page or two for the fun of it. Oh, no...there's no fun in it anymore. I must conquer the scrapbook hobby. It's quite sad.

Aside from scrapbooking, I love to read. I don't necessarily have a style of writing that I prefer, I just love to read. If it sounds interesting, that's good enough for me. Since I have that little OCD thing happening it's hard for me to start a book, read a chapter or two and just put it down until there is more time. Because guess what? There is never any more time. Not just to lie around and read, that is. My only time to read is in the tub, and even that isn't totally uninterrupted. But it's so relaxing to me. Until recently. See, I decided some time ago that I might put novels aside for a while and stick to some easy reading, like Reader's Digest. It's full of short stories and I can just pick it up and read several articles and then put it down, and I'm ok with it. The problem is this...our subscription had lapsed. When I finally got around to filling out a check and mailing it in (is that antiquated or what? Let's get with the program here...online bill pay people.) Anyway, we had missed a few issues by the time they received my subscription card and payment. But apparently they decided they'd be nice and catch us up or something. Because currently I have 3 months of issues that I've got to read. Then, my sweet husband ordered me Real Simple for Mother's Day. I love this magazine with all of my OCD heart...it feeds my need for organization and all things OCD. It's awesome. But see, when he decided to suscribe to it for me, he bought me the May issue, then the June issue came out the next week and he picked that one up for me too. So I have 2 of those to read also.

5 magazines y'all. And I can't just skim through them because I might miss something. I have to read from cover to cover because it's the way it should go. The craziness...

I tried to share my magazine woes with my sister. I really thought she could offer some sound older sisterly advice regarding this oh so delicate situation. Her response was quite shocking to me. She subscribes to 9 magazines. Nine. A few of these come in weekly! And she is looking for a few more things to read by the end of the month. I would have to take a vacation daily to read that many magazines. I can not imagine keeping up with that. Not to mention the clutter that nine magazine subscriptions could create in a month's time. Anyway, she proceeded to advise me that reading is supposed to be fun, and I should lighten up and enjoy it already.

OK really, so that's how that works. I'll make a mental note of that.

On the way to Baton Rouge tonight Jason called the people from Real Simple because it appears that we haven't received the July issue yet. Apparently it takes a while for them to begin sending the magazines to you once you've subscribed. My first one will come in August. He was totally sad for me and told me that we'll just have to purchase July. He is so precious. But, deep down inside I breathed a sigh of relief. I think I'm just going to throw caution to the wind this time and wait for the August issue to come in.

Maybe I will be better caught up with my summer reading list by then.

Face for Grace,
Holly

Please join me in singing the Hallelujah Chorus...

The envelope please...

Q. And what exactly was the return address on the envelope?
A. US Department of Immigration

Q. And what very important document was inside of the envelope?
A. The single piece of paper that we've been waiting for 6 weeks to recieve!

Q. Did you hear the angels resound with the glorious singing of Handel's Messiah/The Hallelujah Chorus?
A. O.K. you may have missed that part...but we heard it clearly and so did all of our neighbors over here in our cul-de-saq!

Q. What's next?
A. I have one more appointment to get some things notarized & I have to fax the last little stack of papers to our adoption coordinator for her review. Once she approves everything I head to the Secretary of State office to get all documents "Apostilled"...then I send them all off to America World. After they are translated to Spanish, it will be sent to El Salvador and logged in. In other words, we'll officially be on the waiting list! (Sounds like a lot, but shouldn't be longer than a week or so)

Whew! What a relief!

Father God...thank you for answering prayers. We are one step closer on our journey. Even though I've gotten discouraged at times, I have certainly grown by leaps and bounds during this process. I know that the wait really has only just begun...but it feels good to have made it this far. Thank you for guiding our footsteps to make it this far in this amazing journey!

Face for Grace,
Holly

Soaking it all In

This weekend I was able to get away to a women's conference in Lafayette. Our Pastor's wife was one of the guest speakers and she invited some of us to go along with her.

I was very excited to go, but I'm always hesitant to leave Jason and Bayli for any amount of time. I guess the devil senses that about me, because he always tries every trick in the book...and every time I am supposed to go away Bayli gets sick. For real. This time I thought I had eluded this, and then she woke up at 3:00 Thursday morning with high (102.8) fever and croup. She went to bed Wednesday night with no signs of any sort of sickness at all. Oh, and did I mention I was to leave Thursday in less than 12 hours?

And this time, to make matters worse she didn't just have the Croup cough, you know the one that sounds like you have a seal living in the room next to you? This time on top of that, she had much breathing diffiulty. Much. It scared me to death. Jason, on the other hand, told her to calm down and that it would all be fine. She was gasping for air at times. Good thing we balance each other out, because as you can see, he's not easily rattled or alarmed...as I'm sure you can imagine I was totally calm myself. Ahem.

This was her 3rd time with Croup, so from previous experience our Pediatrician had told me to stick her head in the freezer to let her breath in the cold air and it would shrink the swelling in her throat. He also said that swallowing ice chips or drinking very iced down water should have the same effect. We opted for the latter. After a few minutes of drinking the ice water she was able to breath a little better, at least momentarily. So, my suspicions were confirmed that we indeed had a case of the Croup. Not being the one to over-react, Jason felt she'd be fine waiting until the morning to see the Pediatrician. So, I allowed her in our bed (which never happens...) it was quite the treat for all of us involved! She is not a calm sleeper, and I woke up with bruises...well, I got out of bed in the morning with bruises. Saying that I "woke up" would imply that I actually slept with my child wheezing and crowding me and kicking me, etc.

Anyway, we went to the Dr. first thing in the morning. He gave her a steriod shot and she was breathing better within minutes. But still had fever. Considering that I hate to leave at all, when she is sick its almost impossible to pry me out of this house. But I really felt an urgency to attend this conference. So, I arranged to drive myself to the conference. That way I could leave later, and would have my own transportation if I needed to come home. It just made me feel better.

At 3:30 I dropped Bayli off with my Mother in Law and I got on the road. And, I kid you not, I felt like a woman on the run. I was all panicky and kept looking in my rear view mirror...thinking that the "Mommy police" would be behind me with the sirens going and the lights flashing. It's like that feeling you get when you think you've forgotten something, or when all day you keep thinking you left your flat iron on and just know you'll come back to a cinged house. I remember right after I had Bayli, I had severe depression. My friend suggested that I get out of the house, go to Wal Mart or something. So I did...but it was never the same again. No matter where I went, she always belonged to me, and the realization hit me that I will always have someone to take care of and to be responsible for. I guess I didn't feel guilty for getting away, as much as I felt irresponsible. Jason kept telling me she's be fine, he could handle it. But, he's not me.

But, it was absolutely the best weekend. And we all lived to tell about it. And my goodness, the sweetness when I got home! She kept holding my cheeks and kissing me and telling me that she "is happy that I'm her Mommy" and that she was "so happy that I'm back, because she missed me all day long!" And, I was "her favorite and her best". Maybe I need to go away more often?

And, I got to hear 7 incredible women of God speak...I sat in 6 sessions and a 2 hour long worship session! You have to understand, Jason and I are in children's ministry. I have only been in "big church" 4 times since January 1 this year. We've had a lot of changes in our ministry and a lot of adjusting due to adding a service, and we've had to miss a lot of church to have all areas covered. So, to get this much word in one weekend was so amazing to me. And I wasn't responsible for a thing. All I had to do was show up and sit on a pew. Now, I love our work in the ministry and I love being a servant...but sometimes it feels good to receive. It was amazingly good...I cant' even begin to describe how refreshed I felt.

And the best part was...I came home to an almost spotless house. And Bayli's fever was gone. Her Daddy had taken excellent care of her while I was away. They had some good quality time together...2 whole "Daddy Days". I am certainly blessed.

Father God, thank you for making a way for us to get away sometimes. And thank you for making it so very sweet when we get home! I love our life, and I love the place where we are right now in our lives. And I love my husband and my daughter...thanks for your abundant blessings!

face for grace,
Holly

Adoption Update

Some people have been wondering where we stand with the adoption. Everything is basically at a stand-still while waiting for our I-171H from New Orleans. That is the paperwork that we've been waiting on from New Orleans Immigration office.

It's quite frustrating because our hands are totally tied at this point. There is no way to check the status and we are past the estimated time frame. Well, sort of. USCIS covers themselves by giving you a window of 60-180 days. And you think having a window of 4 hours for a repair-man or cable tech, etc is bad? They go ahead and give themselves a 6 month window of opportunity to get their work complete. And then there is a rule that you can't question your application until it's 30 days past the estimated time frame. Is that crazy or what?

It's all going to be ok. It's just frustrating because we are wasting time. We are not even on the waiting list because we are lacking this one last piece of paper. And we can't go forward until we get it. I've been finished with everything except for this for about 6 weeks or so. So I feel as though we've lost 6 weeks of progress.

But, our lives are in God's hands. And He is the author and the finisher. And He will bring this to completion. If it pushes things back a few months, then He must have a good reason for it all.

So, these are the days of our lives at this paricular time. Pray for the people in New Orleans Immigration office to get themselves together and begin processing paperwork in a more timely manner. They don't seem to realize, or maybe they realize but don't care, how much they are putting people's lives and futures on hold.

If anyone out there has any suggestions on how we could possibly get this worked through quicker, please let us know.


Dear Jesus,
I thank you that this is all in Your mighty hands. I am content to wait, but of course my flesh would prefer if we could get moving a little quicker. I am believing and holding out for Your perfect will to be done with this situation. I thank you for always being right on time.

Face for Grace,
Holly

Remembering and Hindsight...they're both 20/20

Today was Jason's Grandmother's funeral. She was 88 years old, but was in excellent health. We were all very shocked when she suddenly passed away, despite her age. I first met Maw Maw a few months after Jason and I began dating. She has probably only spoken about 10 sentences to me during the entire time that I knew her. She was a woman of very few words, but yet very loving and caring. She loved her grandchildren, and her great-grandchildren. Her oldest child was a boy and he had 1 son. Her middle child never married or had any children. Jason's mother, Mrs Carol, was the baby and she went on to have her 4 boys. No girls. Jason's brother was the first of the grandchildren to have children, and he was a boy. Do you see a pattern here? Still no girls. Bayli came along a year later, which means that she was the first girl born on that side of the family in 53 years. The word spoiled officially had new meaning. The child has more jewelry than I do, and that is saying something.

During the service I kept thinking about the fact that I never really got to know Maw Maw very much. Her husband had passed away before Jason was even born. I sat and wondered how they had met... how did he propose to her? Was he a romantic? Did he ever surprise her with flowers? Was it love at first sight...or did it take a while for their love to blossom? As I sat there thinking about all of these questions, I realized that some important family history is now gone. Bayli will never know the answers to those questions about her Great-Grandparents. I love geneology and history and I have spent many hours painstakingly trying to preserve my family history...not only because I want to know, but because one day someone else may want to know. Anybody can look up birth records and death records, and any body can find out a maiden name or an anniversary date. But the stories of Maw Maw are now lost.

Hindsight is 20/20.

If I had one more afternoon with my husband's grandmother, I would have asked her what her favorite memory was of the time she shared with her husband. And I would have written it down for my grandchildren to be able to read one day. Who knows, maybe it would have began a conversation with this soft spoken, precious woman. Maybe she never talked much because I was never quiet enough to listen. I really wonder what stories she had kept inside that she may have shared with me. I would also take a picture of Bayli together with Jason's Mom and Maw Maw...because can you believe that we never thought to do that? Her only granddaughter and the first girl in 52 years and no pictures of them together. What a shame that Bayli or her children won't have that one day.

These thoughts have been playing inside my head all day. Because, even though I scrapbook, and I'm trying to put together a family history album, I now realize that I need to include some more personal information. My great-great granddaughter may need to know about my miscarriages one day. About how it prompted us to this time in our lives. She may need to know more than the facts...I was born in 1974, and that I was 28 before having my first child. It will probably give our descendants comfort to know that I was, and still am madly and passionately in love with my husband. And that if not for him, I would never have made it through the horrible pain of the miscarriages. And that I love his smile. And that after 12 years of marriage my heart still does skip a beat when he walks into a room. And that we still argue sometimes...but that we choose to make up. And that when he proposed to me it was not the story book proposal that I had always dreamed of, so I made him do it again...because it really was not that good the first time around. But he did it right the second time, and I said yes...again. I would have been crazy not to...because he completes me.

Those are the things that you can't put on a tombstone, or write about in an obituary. And to me, those are the things worth preserving...for the sake of history...for the sake of a family name.

Now, because it's not like me to be totally serious...emotional and mushy yes, serious no. Tonight at supper I asked Jason what his favorite memory was of the two of us together. He said it was our first trip to Niagara Falls. We had just gotten engaged (the not-so-good proposal time) and I had brought him to Pennsylvania to meet all of my family and we went to Niagara Falls with a friend of mine and her "friend" that she refused to call a boyfriend. Niagara Falls is absolutely something to see, especially at night. There is an amazing light show. Well, my memory was not a lovey-dovey memory. Right after we got married we moved to Gulfport for a year. When we were moving home we had made it about 5 miles, if that, outside of Gulfport and the U-haul truck that we had rented broke down. We had to pull off to the side of I-10, the u-haul and the 2 or 3 other cars who were traveling with us. This was before the days of cell phones, so someone drove to a gas station and called the U-haul company, etc. Well, one thing that I may just need to document about Jason...you know, for the sake of preserving family history and all; is that there are times when he can have a pretty short fuse. This was definitely one of those times. I, on the other hand, try to be the eternal optimist and didn't see the huge problem with being along side I-10 with all of our belongings right there with us, in a truck...that had broken down. I knew we'd figure something out and it would be ok. So, thinking this would be a good memory to document for future generations to read about one day, I started snapping some pictures. Well, he began to snap also, but in a different way. He came over and told me that he would not break the camera because it cost too much money and was way too new, but he'd have no problem injuring my picture taking finger if I snapped one more shot. Well, we'd only been married a year and that whole submission thing hadn't quite kicked in yet for me. Let's just say it got very interesting real quick.

But, I learned tonight that remembering is also 20/20, because finally, after 11 years I was able to laugh about that memory.

Ok, so truth be told, for Jason remembering is more like 20/200...because he still isn't laughing. But one day he will. And, yes, I have the Kodak and the scrapbook page all complete...our great-grandchildren should get a good kick out of that one!

Go take some time and call your grandparents, or your parents for that matter. And ask them something that you'd like to know about them. Something worth passing down. Actually, it's all worth passing down. I shudder to think of the history that is buried...lost...forever...every single day. I don't even know my grandmother's favorite color. I guess I have a phone call to make too.

Face for Grace,
Holly