VBS is NOT good for the BLOG

Just for the record, VBS is not good for the BLOG. I've been burning the candle at both ends in an amazing way the past couple of weeks. Sorry for the lack of posting. I have a friend that jokes with me that they'll need to take a vacation day to read all of my posts because I usually post all the time. Well, now's the time to catch up if you are behind. This will probably be it for a while.

Not only is this week VBS/Cheering for Jesus/Sports Clinics, we also have Water Day Sunday. Not to mention that Scott, my brother, is coming home for a one week leave from his training prior to heading out to Iraq. The next 10 days will probably be a blur. But it's going to be good! Nothing fuels me more than ministering to a bunch of kids! And I'm very excited about seeing Scott and spending as much time with him as he can stand.

Nothing new on the adoption front. All of our paperwork has been sent, now we just wait for it to be processed. We're still looking at about a 12 month wait, but we're of course praying for things to proceed more quickly than that.

There's also the fact that my baby girl will be starting school in a few short weeks. I'm not happy about this, but it's the way that it is. I know that it will be good for her, she's so ready to learn more. But I plan on spending some major time with her in the next few weeks. This will be the last few days we'll have like this. Things will be different after she starts school. She'll be more independent and she'll be a big girl. I just don't like change...

Anyway, see you guys in a week or so, unless something majorly post-worthy happens.

Face for Grace,
Holly

YEAH for BELLA

Some of you may remember my friend Amanda that I've met through our adoption process. She and her husband have been going through so much during their adoption process. They've been caugh up in a lot of red tape and just plain old craziness, with months of delays and not an end in sight! But, God has heard our prayers and He has moved...and she's got good news! BELLA IS COMING HOME! You've got to visit her BLOG to see this precious baby. It is the absolute best news that I've heard in forever! I can't describe the happiness that I feel for them right now...I can only imagine that their hearts are overflowing with joy, excitement, relief...

God is good, and He answers prayers!

A great weekend & a reflection about tomorrow

Yesterday Jason and I celebrated our 12 year anniversary. 12 years. It seems impossible...the time really has passed so quickly. To celebrate we got away for a few days, just the 2 of us. We had a great time...it was a much needed mini-vacation. Jason really went all out in making sure that we had a special and memorable weekend and anniversary! He is such an awesome husband...and I am one blessed woman to have him! While we were away, we got a call from Christi at our adoption agency, and she told us that our Dossier was mailed out and was on it's way to El Salvador! That was the news that we really needed to hear, at a time that I really needed to hear it.

Tomorrow, July 16th is the due date of the last baby that we lost. Due dates are always the hardest days to face. No matter how hard you may try to not dwell on the loss, or on what should have been...you can't help but wonder about what should have been. We should be welcoming a new life into our family tomorrow. A new bundle of joy with 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes. With itsy-bitsy little hands and feet. We should be eagerly awaiting the time when we get to meet this precious little life, learning the personality of this new family member. I still cry for this baby...my heart really still does hurt over the loss.

All weekend I teared up at the sight or sounds of little babies. It was really difficult to stop the tears. But I did. Even though I had so many thoughts of the life that we've lost, I had to make the decision to be ok with going on. I decided that I was going to have a good weekend, and that instead we would celebrate the lives that are still to come into our family. Whether biological or through adoption; our family will grow, and Jason and I will be ready and waiting when it happens.

I wonder about who she would have looked like. Would she suck her thumb like Bayli? Would she have a head full of hair? Would she have been another 9 lb moose? Would she......if only we had been able to know. From past experience I know that tomorrow will be one of the 3 hardest days that I will ever face. But I will face it, and eventually the sun will set and night time will come, and a new day will be only a few hours away. And I will make it through, even though I wish I didn't have to.

Father God, I know that you have us on this journey for a reason. We really are excited about our future, even though the present is sort of difficult right now. I know that it will get better and you will carry me and Jason through. Thank you that your hand is upon us as we continue with our adoption. I thank you for being with us during the paperwork process, and I praise you for having your hand upon our papers as they are being processed in El Salvador. I pray for favor, that things will go according to your marvelous plan...as we continue to the next leg of our journey. I thank you for a sweet little girl that we will name Gracie, that will come into our waiting arms and hearts and home in your precious, perfect timing.

Face for Grace, Holly

Something unexpected

I've struggled with whether or not to post about a particular recent happening in our lives, but I finally decided after much prayer that God needs to be glorified for the work He's done. Without giving away too many details, I will try my hardest to tell a sensible story without too many holes in it.

One of my earliest posts was in reference to my fear regarding the financial side of our adoption...and that after much prayer and just daily laying down my fears and struggles at His feet, I came to place of peace. I was not sure how the finances would come about, but I knew that God had spoken this to us...therefore He would provide.

I have tried many times to make this work out according to how I thought it should go. Jason and I had made the decision when I got pregnant for Bayli that I would stay home with her. The end. It was absolutely important for both of us. When we decided to adopt, I figured I would go back to work to help fund the adoption; and then would stay home again after Gracie came home. But we knew that I only had a few short months until Bayli started K-4, and neither Jason or I felt that it was fair to Bayli for me to go back to work now- just to fund the way for another child to come into our lives. I automatically assumed somewhere in the back of my mind that God would just send an angel with a check written from The First Bank of Heaven to the tune of $20,000. Well, we waited...and it didn't happen.

After much dragging our feet and gnashing of teeth, we did something we did not want to do...we got a loan for the adoption. With the intentions of after Bayli started school and got settled, that I would go to work part-time to pay this loan off.

I sought counsel from 4 or 5 different people regarding this decision. They were people that I really trusted, and whose opinions I value greatly- and most importantly they were people who I really trusted would give us Godly counsel. They are also people who are good stewards of their money and don't have a lot of debt, if any at all. They all had slight variations on their opinions, but all basically agreed that it was ok to get the loan, so long as we paid it back quickly. I had peace about this, but still really struggled with whether or not this was the right thing to do. I wanted to trust God for the finances, but I also didn't want to put a time-limit on Him, but then I didn't want to do things on my own accord. So, we continued to pray and fast and felt a release to get the loan. We figured that if God felt the need to bless us unexpectedly with monitary blessings, we would just apply it to our loan and pay it back that much quicker. We also went into it with the understanding that we'd pay for everything we could out of pocket, that the money from our loan would be there for the bigger payments that we didn't have time to save up for.

With all of that said, I had gotten to a place of peace with the way that we are paying for the adoption. It wasn't my ideal of what we'd do in a perfect world, but I was ok with it. But we were still believing for all of the blessings that God felt should come our way. We have sowed seeds, continued with our tithes and offerings above our tithes. And I thanked God that I had found a job that I could do 3 days a week while Bayli was in school to pay this off. It was all good.
Then, all of a sudden, out of the blue...the unexpected happened. God had impressed upon someone's heart that they should bless us with a specific amount of money towards the adoption. They said, "It's not much"...but it was plenty. Not just the dollar amount, but the whole package...the kind words, the hugs, the prayers, the fact that they were obedient to what God had instructed them to do. And, last but not least, the reassurance to us that God really certainly has ordained this time in our lives. And we were at a point where we needed another confirmation to that fact.

The best part was, we had to make a payment Friday when we sent off our Dossier. We also had to pay quite a bit for all of the apostilles, and for the shipping fees. And everything was covered with our unexpecting blessing.

Our Pastor just shared with us Sunday night at a Leadership Meeting a quote that goes "if it's God's will, it's God's bill"...

Father God, we were content but still asking and praying for bigger, for more. Thank you for not allowing us to make due with just making it...thank you for giving us more than we hoped and asked for. We continue to leave this all in your hands...the rest of the process, the rest of the money that we'll need, the waiting, the everything that goes along with it. Thank you that you speak to your children, and thank you for making our hearts soft to listen and obey.

Face for Grace

A college education is definitely required...

I woke up this morning and my child was a 3 year old asking 3 year old questions. By about 4:30 this afternoon, she had blossomed into a 3 year old asking 20 year old questions. Now, make no mistake about it, we've always known she was smart. We joked when she was 1 year old that we were going to pre-enroll her in Harvard. I realize that everyone thinks their child is the smartest, brightest human being that God ever created...and we, obviously were no exception to that.

For her 1 year check-up the pediatrician asked me if she could say about 3 words, even if others couldn't understand them...if we were the only ones who could understand them they still counted as words. I took a quick mental inventory of the words that Bayli could say, I'm talking clearly say where perfect strangers could understand her. The total was 15+ words. I'm not just talking "Mama" and "Da-da" type of stuff here. By her one year birthday she could say the normal stuff plus "balloon" and "elephant". By 18 months she was up to 100+ words.

How cute, we thought. Awe...she loves to talk. We really had no idea...It's now a race for the child to get in 10,000 words by 9:45. IN THE MORNING!

I really thought I was prepared for the question stage, because she's been talking for so long. And she has always talked so much, and was down-right good at it. I feel safe in saying that talking could be considered a hobby for her. Maybe one day she may be able to tie it into a lucrative profession. I'm telling ya'll...she's that good.

Anyway, for the past forever, she has been dabbling with the question phase. Just dippin' her toe in the water apparently. Why is it supper and not lunch? Because we already had lunch. But why? And so on it goes. Well, today she decided to try her hand at the big guns. She was helping me make supper and asked, "Mommy...when I tell someone I'm 3 with my hand (holding up 3 fingers) what holds my fingers up?" My limited 1 1/2 years of college education self answered her in all honesty "Your hand and your arm holds your fingers up". She said, "No Mommy what makes them stand up straight and not fall over...is there sticks in there?!" Oh. Ok.

So much for the typical 3 year old "why" questions. At this rate, by Christmas I might have to enroll in some night classes at the local university to keep up my qualifications to be her primary care giver!!

Face for Grace

FED EX spells RELIEF

Well, today was the day. We officially mailed our Dossier today! As much as I thought I had everything together waiting for that one last document from New Orleans; I was sadly mistaken the more I looked things over. I had over looked a few things, misinterpreted a few instructions and just plain old messed a couple of things up. I'm making it sound a little worse than it actually is...I was able to correct everything in just 2 days. But it did leave me scurrying around a bit more than I had wanted to today. I feel pretty confident that all is well right now, we're just going to have to wait it out for a few days until I hear from Christi, our coordinator from America World.

I got very nervous earlier today when I handed my documents over to the clerk at the Secretary of State's office to be Apostilled. My hands were shaking and I had a hard time letting go. I can't put a finger on it; maybe it was just the finality of this stage in our lives...or a deep down fear that something might be wrong, or maybe just a fear of letting those papers out of my hands for the 10 minutes it took for her to process them. Regardless of why, I can promise you that I went through a broad spectrum of emotions today; excitement, pressure and tension, overwhelmed with tears at one point...but eventually total relief won out. I feel as though we'll be able to have our lives back now. I had no idea how much of my time this would consume. Now we'll be consumed with waiting and watching the pages of our calendar flip as time passes.

Anyway, just for the fun of it, I thought you guys might be interested in seeing the fruit of our labor. This is the plethora of paperwork, documents, home study report, psychological report, etc. This is what has taken me since February 20th-ish to complete. And, rest-assured, there are several of these stacks that are more than one document deep.

Aside from the stacks of paperwork, I've also included a picture of one of our photo pages. Aren't we cute?

I've really enjoyed this part of the process, but I'm glad to be leaving it behind and moving on to the next step. I will, no doubt, keep everyone posted on any progress from here. Aside from being officially logged-in, I can't imagine there will be much to communicate for quite some time. Which means that you'll have to be bored with hearing about "us" for a while...just good old family stuff while we wait.

Are we there yet? Is it May 2008 yet?

Just kidding! Have a great weekend!

Face for Grace

Being OCD is hard work...

I've admitted before that I'm a tad OCD. This should come as no surprise to any of you. However, I realized this weekend that this is hard work. I need to lighten up and give myself a break already.

See, I don't allow myself many hobbies; I guess it's because I don't rest well if I can't follow something through to completion. I love to scrapbook. Any every time I have the opportunity, I scrapbook like the wind because I can't stand to be behind...I am only at peace when I'm caught up or working on current pictures. There is no such thing as just leisurly doing a page or two for the fun of it. Oh, no...there's no fun in it anymore. I must conquer the scrapbook hobby. It's quite sad.

Aside from scrapbooking, I love to read. I don't necessarily have a style of writing that I prefer, I just love to read. If it sounds interesting, that's good enough for me. Since I have that little OCD thing happening it's hard for me to start a book, read a chapter or two and just put it down until there is more time. Because guess what? There is never any more time. Not just to lie around and read, that is. My only time to read is in the tub, and even that isn't totally uninterrupted. But it's so relaxing to me. Until recently. See, I decided some time ago that I might put novels aside for a while and stick to some easy reading, like Reader's Digest. It's full of short stories and I can just pick it up and read several articles and then put it down, and I'm ok with it. The problem is this...our subscription had lapsed. When I finally got around to filling out a check and mailing it in (is that antiquated or what? Let's get with the program here...online bill pay people.) Anyway, we had missed a few issues by the time they received my subscription card and payment. But apparently they decided they'd be nice and catch us up or something. Because currently I have 3 months of issues that I've got to read. Then, my sweet husband ordered me Real Simple for Mother's Day. I love this magazine with all of my OCD heart...it feeds my need for organization and all things OCD. It's awesome. But see, when he decided to suscribe to it for me, he bought me the May issue, then the June issue came out the next week and he picked that one up for me too. So I have 2 of those to read also.

5 magazines y'all. And I can't just skim through them because I might miss something. I have to read from cover to cover because it's the way it should go. The craziness...

I tried to share my magazine woes with my sister. I really thought she could offer some sound older sisterly advice regarding this oh so delicate situation. Her response was quite shocking to me. She subscribes to 9 magazines. Nine. A few of these come in weekly! And she is looking for a few more things to read by the end of the month. I would have to take a vacation daily to read that many magazines. I can not imagine keeping up with that. Not to mention the clutter that nine magazine subscriptions could create in a month's time. Anyway, she proceeded to advise me that reading is supposed to be fun, and I should lighten up and enjoy it already.

OK really, so that's how that works. I'll make a mental note of that.

On the way to Baton Rouge tonight Jason called the people from Real Simple because it appears that we haven't received the July issue yet. Apparently it takes a while for them to begin sending the magazines to you once you've subscribed. My first one will come in August. He was totally sad for me and told me that we'll just have to purchase July. He is so precious. But, deep down inside I breathed a sigh of relief. I think I'm just going to throw caution to the wind this time and wait for the August issue to come in.

Maybe I will be better caught up with my summer reading list by then.

Face for Grace,
Holly

Please join me in singing the Hallelujah Chorus...

The envelope please...

Q. And what exactly was the return address on the envelope?
A. US Department of Immigration

Q. And what very important document was inside of the envelope?
A. The single piece of paper that we've been waiting for 6 weeks to recieve!

Q. Did you hear the angels resound with the glorious singing of Handel's Messiah/The Hallelujah Chorus?
A. O.K. you may have missed that part...but we heard it clearly and so did all of our neighbors over here in our cul-de-saq!

Q. What's next?
A. I have one more appointment to get some things notarized & I have to fax the last little stack of papers to our adoption coordinator for her review. Once she approves everything I head to the Secretary of State office to get all documents "Apostilled"...then I send them all off to America World. After they are translated to Spanish, it will be sent to El Salvador and logged in. In other words, we'll officially be on the waiting list! (Sounds like a lot, but shouldn't be longer than a week or so)

Whew! What a relief!

Father God...thank you for answering prayers. We are one step closer on our journey. Even though I've gotten discouraged at times, I have certainly grown by leaps and bounds during this process. I know that the wait really has only just begun...but it feels good to have made it this far. Thank you for guiding our footsteps to make it this far in this amazing journey!

Face for Grace,
Holly

Soaking it all In

This weekend I was able to get away to a women's conference in Lafayette. Our Pastor's wife was one of the guest speakers and she invited some of us to go along with her.

I was very excited to go, but I'm always hesitant to leave Jason and Bayli for any amount of time. I guess the devil senses that about me, because he always tries every trick in the book...and every time I am supposed to go away Bayli gets sick. For real. This time I thought I had eluded this, and then she woke up at 3:00 Thursday morning with high (102.8) fever and croup. She went to bed Wednesday night with no signs of any sort of sickness at all. Oh, and did I mention I was to leave Thursday in less than 12 hours?

And this time, to make matters worse she didn't just have the Croup cough, you know the one that sounds like you have a seal living in the room next to you? This time on top of that, she had much breathing diffiulty. Much. It scared me to death. Jason, on the other hand, told her to calm down and that it would all be fine. She was gasping for air at times. Good thing we balance each other out, because as you can see, he's not easily rattled or alarmed...as I'm sure you can imagine I was totally calm myself. Ahem.

This was her 3rd time with Croup, so from previous experience our Pediatrician had told me to stick her head in the freezer to let her breath in the cold air and it would shrink the swelling in her throat. He also said that swallowing ice chips or drinking very iced down water should have the same effect. We opted for the latter. After a few minutes of drinking the ice water she was able to breath a little better, at least momentarily. So, my suspicions were confirmed that we indeed had a case of the Croup. Not being the one to over-react, Jason felt she'd be fine waiting until the morning to see the Pediatrician. So, I allowed her in our bed (which never happens...) it was quite the treat for all of us involved! She is not a calm sleeper, and I woke up with bruises...well, I got out of bed in the morning with bruises. Saying that I "woke up" would imply that I actually slept with my child wheezing and crowding me and kicking me, etc.

Anyway, we went to the Dr. first thing in the morning. He gave her a steriod shot and she was breathing better within minutes. But still had fever. Considering that I hate to leave at all, when she is sick its almost impossible to pry me out of this house. But I really felt an urgency to attend this conference. So, I arranged to drive myself to the conference. That way I could leave later, and would have my own transportation if I needed to come home. It just made me feel better.

At 3:30 I dropped Bayli off with my Mother in Law and I got on the road. And, I kid you not, I felt like a woman on the run. I was all panicky and kept looking in my rear view mirror...thinking that the "Mommy police" would be behind me with the sirens going and the lights flashing. It's like that feeling you get when you think you've forgotten something, or when all day you keep thinking you left your flat iron on and just know you'll come back to a cinged house. I remember right after I had Bayli, I had severe depression. My friend suggested that I get out of the house, go to Wal Mart or something. So I did...but it was never the same again. No matter where I went, she always belonged to me, and the realization hit me that I will always have someone to take care of and to be responsible for. I guess I didn't feel guilty for getting away, as much as I felt irresponsible. Jason kept telling me she's be fine, he could handle it. But, he's not me.

But, it was absolutely the best weekend. And we all lived to tell about it. And my goodness, the sweetness when I got home! She kept holding my cheeks and kissing me and telling me that she "is happy that I'm her Mommy" and that she was "so happy that I'm back, because she missed me all day long!" And, I was "her favorite and her best". Maybe I need to go away more often?

And, I got to hear 7 incredible women of God speak...I sat in 6 sessions and a 2 hour long worship session! You have to understand, Jason and I are in children's ministry. I have only been in "big church" 4 times since January 1 this year. We've had a lot of changes in our ministry and a lot of adjusting due to adding a service, and we've had to miss a lot of church to have all areas covered. So, to get this much word in one weekend was so amazing to me. And I wasn't responsible for a thing. All I had to do was show up and sit on a pew. Now, I love our work in the ministry and I love being a servant...but sometimes it feels good to receive. It was amazingly good...I cant' even begin to describe how refreshed I felt.

And the best part was...I came home to an almost spotless house. And Bayli's fever was gone. Her Daddy had taken excellent care of her while I was away. They had some good quality time together...2 whole "Daddy Days". I am certainly blessed.

Father God, thank you for making a way for us to get away sometimes. And thank you for making it so very sweet when we get home! I love our life, and I love the place where we are right now in our lives. And I love my husband and my daughter...thanks for your abundant blessings!

face for grace,
Holly

Adoption Update

Some people have been wondering where we stand with the adoption. Everything is basically at a stand-still while waiting for our I-171H from New Orleans. That is the paperwork that we've been waiting on from New Orleans Immigration office.

It's quite frustrating because our hands are totally tied at this point. There is no way to check the status and we are past the estimated time frame. Well, sort of. USCIS covers themselves by giving you a window of 60-180 days. And you think having a window of 4 hours for a repair-man or cable tech, etc is bad? They go ahead and give themselves a 6 month window of opportunity to get their work complete. And then there is a rule that you can't question your application until it's 30 days past the estimated time frame. Is that crazy or what?

It's all going to be ok. It's just frustrating because we are wasting time. We are not even on the waiting list because we are lacking this one last piece of paper. And we can't go forward until we get it. I've been finished with everything except for this for about 6 weeks or so. So I feel as though we've lost 6 weeks of progress.

But, our lives are in God's hands. And He is the author and the finisher. And He will bring this to completion. If it pushes things back a few months, then He must have a good reason for it all.

So, these are the days of our lives at this paricular time. Pray for the people in New Orleans Immigration office to get themselves together and begin processing paperwork in a more timely manner. They don't seem to realize, or maybe they realize but don't care, how much they are putting people's lives and futures on hold.

If anyone out there has any suggestions on how we could possibly get this worked through quicker, please let us know.


Dear Jesus,
I thank you that this is all in Your mighty hands. I am content to wait, but of course my flesh would prefer if we could get moving a little quicker. I am believing and holding out for Your perfect will to be done with this situation. I thank you for always being right on time.

Face for Grace,
Holly

Remembering and Hindsight...they're both 20/20

Today was Jason's Grandmother's funeral. She was 88 years old, but was in excellent health. We were all very shocked when she suddenly passed away, despite her age. I first met Maw Maw a few months after Jason and I began dating. She has probably only spoken about 10 sentences to me during the entire time that I knew her. She was a woman of very few words, but yet very loving and caring. She loved her grandchildren, and her great-grandchildren. Her oldest child was a boy and he had 1 son. Her middle child never married or had any children. Jason's mother, Mrs Carol, was the baby and she went on to have her 4 boys. No girls. Jason's brother was the first of the grandchildren to have children, and he was a boy. Do you see a pattern here? Still no girls. Bayli came along a year later, which means that she was the first girl born on that side of the family in 53 years. The word spoiled officially had new meaning. The child has more jewelry than I do, and that is saying something.

During the service I kept thinking about the fact that I never really got to know Maw Maw very much. Her husband had passed away before Jason was even born. I sat and wondered how they had met... how did he propose to her? Was he a romantic? Did he ever surprise her with flowers? Was it love at first sight...or did it take a while for their love to blossom? As I sat there thinking about all of these questions, I realized that some important family history is now gone. Bayli will never know the answers to those questions about her Great-Grandparents. I love geneology and history and I have spent many hours painstakingly trying to preserve my family history...not only because I want to know, but because one day someone else may want to know. Anybody can look up birth records and death records, and any body can find out a maiden name or an anniversary date. But the stories of Maw Maw are now lost.

Hindsight is 20/20.

If I had one more afternoon with my husband's grandmother, I would have asked her what her favorite memory was of the time she shared with her husband. And I would have written it down for my grandchildren to be able to read one day. Who knows, maybe it would have began a conversation with this soft spoken, precious woman. Maybe she never talked much because I was never quiet enough to listen. I really wonder what stories she had kept inside that she may have shared with me. I would also take a picture of Bayli together with Jason's Mom and Maw Maw...because can you believe that we never thought to do that? Her only granddaughter and the first girl in 52 years and no pictures of them together. What a shame that Bayli or her children won't have that one day.

These thoughts have been playing inside my head all day. Because, even though I scrapbook, and I'm trying to put together a family history album, I now realize that I need to include some more personal information. My great-great granddaughter may need to know about my miscarriages one day. About how it prompted us to this time in our lives. She may need to know more than the facts...I was born in 1974, and that I was 28 before having my first child. It will probably give our descendants comfort to know that I was, and still am madly and passionately in love with my husband. And that if not for him, I would never have made it through the horrible pain of the miscarriages. And that I love his smile. And that after 12 years of marriage my heart still does skip a beat when he walks into a room. And that we still argue sometimes...but that we choose to make up. And that when he proposed to me it was not the story book proposal that I had always dreamed of, so I made him do it again...because it really was not that good the first time around. But he did it right the second time, and I said yes...again. I would have been crazy not to...because he completes me.

Those are the things that you can't put on a tombstone, or write about in an obituary. And to me, those are the things worth preserving...for the sake of history...for the sake of a family name.

Now, because it's not like me to be totally serious...emotional and mushy yes, serious no. Tonight at supper I asked Jason what his favorite memory was of the two of us together. He said it was our first trip to Niagara Falls. We had just gotten engaged (the not-so-good proposal time) and I had brought him to Pennsylvania to meet all of my family and we went to Niagara Falls with a friend of mine and her "friend" that she refused to call a boyfriend. Niagara Falls is absolutely something to see, especially at night. There is an amazing light show. Well, my memory was not a lovey-dovey memory. Right after we got married we moved to Gulfport for a year. When we were moving home we had made it about 5 miles, if that, outside of Gulfport and the U-haul truck that we had rented broke down. We had to pull off to the side of I-10, the u-haul and the 2 or 3 other cars who were traveling with us. This was before the days of cell phones, so someone drove to a gas station and called the U-haul company, etc. Well, one thing that I may just need to document about Jason...you know, for the sake of preserving family history and all; is that there are times when he can have a pretty short fuse. This was definitely one of those times. I, on the other hand, try to be the eternal optimist and didn't see the huge problem with being along side I-10 with all of our belongings right there with us, in a truck...that had broken down. I knew we'd figure something out and it would be ok. So, thinking this would be a good memory to document for future generations to read about one day, I started snapping some pictures. Well, he began to snap also, but in a different way. He came over and told me that he would not break the camera because it cost too much money and was way too new, but he'd have no problem injuring my picture taking finger if I snapped one more shot. Well, we'd only been married a year and that whole submission thing hadn't quite kicked in yet for me. Let's just say it got very interesting real quick.

But, I learned tonight that remembering is also 20/20, because finally, after 11 years I was able to laugh about that memory.

Ok, so truth be told, for Jason remembering is more like 20/200...because he still isn't laughing. But one day he will. And, yes, I have the Kodak and the scrapbook page all complete...our great-grandchildren should get a good kick out of that one!

Go take some time and call your grandparents, or your parents for that matter. And ask them something that you'd like to know about them. Something worth passing down. Actually, it's all worth passing down. I shudder to think of the history that is buried...lost...forever...every single day. I don't even know my grandmother's favorite color. I guess I have a phone call to make too.

Face for Grace,
Holly

A Big Smile

Last night we went to Chuck E Cheese. No special reason, just because we could. We really had a great time, and one particular person had a GREAT time. Bayli had fun too! Jason loves to play games...especially when he is pumped up about winning some tickets for his little girl. She had her eye on a light up princess wand, and he was determined to win it for her.

I am here to tell you, the new Chuck E Cheese on Seigen Lane is not the Chuck E Cheese of old. Holy Cow! The excitement level in that place was amazing. I saw first hand the competition that we are up against in the church world. I mean, if we could get some kids that excited about Jesus...talk about a generation of world changers!

On a different note...y'all know how emotional I get about things. Bayli has been asking for months to go to "Chunk 'n' Cheese"! And for the past 2 days she could hardly contain herself. We had printed some coupons off the internet and it had a little picture of Chuck E Cheese himself on the page. She asked me several times yesterday if "That little guy right there would actually be at Chunk 'n' Cheese...because you know, he's the one that talks on the T.V. and all" So, I'm guessing in her mind he's quite obviously a celebrity.

Anyway, being as how much Jason loves to play games, I got nominated to sit at the table and wait for our pizza while Bayli and Daddy bonded and began the 2 1/2 hour process of using up her 90 some odd tokens (again, the internet coupons are the way to go). As I was sitting there waiting, I watched the two of them from afar. I promise you, there was a permanent smile on Bayli's face. She kept looking at Jason...and there was sheer excitement across her entire face...the entire time. There seems to be nothing better in this entire world than watching your child have the time of their lives...when they've been looking forward to something and it comes to pass. To us, it would be something much bigger than a night out at Chuck E Cheese, but to her it was the stuff that dreams were made of. It brought tears to my eyes. I had one of these moments...and for a brief moment, nothing else mattered. Only being right there, making a lasting memory with my family.

See, I've been fighting discouragement this week, because we still have yet to receive our I-171H from New Orleans, and we are officially past the time frame that our social worker told us to expect it in, let alone the time frame that I had believed God for. But all of those worries just faded. It's all ok...and I saw through my child (and my big kid :) exactly how God sees us and how it pleases Him to see us happy and excited. And just like Jason was determined to win enough tickets for Bayli to get that wand, God is determined for me to get that report, in the perfect timing...so that we can move on with this process and continue on with our journey to grow our family.

And I realized how very blessed I am.

God, I know that you speak to me in the craziest of ways. But last night tops them all. Regardless, I thank you for making me sensitive enough to catch on to the little hints, and sensitive enough to be able to realize the blessings of the small things in life. And it's all proof that you are with us at all times. Thank you for your abundance of blessings. And thank you for always speaking to me...especially so unexpectedly at the craziest of times and the craziest of places!

Face for Grace,
Holly

Out of the mouth of babes

Last night when I was putting Bayli to bed, she asked me, "When are you going to play with me Mommy?" I asked her what she meant, because I always play with her. She replied, "No Mommy, you always say that you are going to play with me then you cook supper, or clean things or do work for church."

Ouch. Knife through the heart.

The sad thing is, she's right.

I have always been an overachiever. I can't rest if things aren't put away and picked up. And everything has a place. There is no such thing as not knowing what to do with something. Everything has a place or it goes in the trash. That simple. I sweep and/or swiffer several times a week, if not every day, because I like a clean house. I also do a lot of work for church from home. This used to not be a problem, but apparently now it is.

I went to bed last night with my head spinning...trying to figure it out. What needs to change, what needs to give...or is she just exaggerating?

The conclusion that I came to was that I need to find a balance. I can't give any of these things up. The work for the ministry is our job...it has to get done. I've delegated as much as I can to people who are willing and the rest is up to me. I can do things during the day, or I can take away time from my husband at night. I think I need to do things during the day. But then, she wants me and needs me. There will come a day when she'd rather my not be around. What will I do then? When she looks back on her childhood I'd like for her to remember her Mommy playing with her and teaching her things. Not reminiscing about all of the time she spent playing by herself because Mommy had to swiffer the floor.

This morning I tried things a little differently. We snuggled in the bed for a few minutes like we always do. Then we went to the couch and snuggled some more (she's cuddly in the morning...)then we ate breakfast. Then I decided to take one hour and only one hour and do everything that I could...and anything I didn't get done in that one hour would have to wait until tomorrow. I timed myself, and got going...I made all beds, started a load of clothes, started supper, cleaned all the floors and dusted. The rest was going to have to wait. Then I was able to spend time with Bayli before getting ready for our plans for the day. We spent the next hour doing a craft, playing with flashcards and playing school (I was an excellent student if I do say so myself!) Then we got ready and some friends came over for a VBS meeting. The meeting lasted a lot longer than I had originally thought, but it was ok because the house was tidy and supper was in the crock pot, and I had spent quality time with someone who needed me the most. And it meant the world to her, and me too. And, totally unlike myself, aside from picking up a few toys and doing the dishes after supper, I've done no other housework today. And it's actually ok...I'm living to tell about it.

It's hard when you are pulled in a million different directions. No doubt about it. But, I feel that if I continue to seek God for His wisdom and direction things will flow more smoothly...which to me equals peace. And nothing sounds better.


Father God, I pray that you continue to show me creative ways to get everything done that I need to get done in a day. Help me to work smarter and still have time for everyone who needs me and needs my attention. I know that things are always changing, what worked today may not work tomorrow. I pray that I will continue to keep my priorities straight. It's very easy to put ministry ahead of my house, or Bayli ahead of my husband. But I know that is not how you desire for things to be. I want to honor you in all that I do and I want my life and my work to reflect you. Thank you Jesus for using my most precious gift, my baby girl, to reveal the err of my ways!

Face for Grace,
Holly

The Beauty of a Date Night

I remember back before the days of having a child, when I had big opinions about motherhood and childrearing, etc. In other words, back in the day when I knew everything. Ahem.


I remember listening to my friends talk amongst each other and say things like, "I just wish I had one night out with my husband without having to tend to my child first." Or, "If only we could have an uninterrupted conversation, etc."


Most of these women were stay-at-home Moms. I used to listen to their conversations in awe. I have to be honest with you and confess right now that I thought they must have been the most selfish people in the world. A stay-at-home Mom should have nothing to complain about. She's got the easiest job in the world..you know, she doesn't have to work! Besides, who cares if she has to tend to her child before herself? How selfish. She should be honored to eat cold food every night, with limited adult conversation time. Being a Mother is the highest calling! She should do it with pride!

Then I became a Mother. And my viewpoint suddenly changed.

Now you know I love every minute of being a mother. And I love the fact that I'm able to stay home. This is a huge blessing. And we have and still do scrimp and save and sacrifice a lot for this to be able to happen. But let me also say, cold food does nothing for me personally. I do not enjoy it one bit. And I should have been slapped for thinking that a stay at home Mom was the easiest job in the world. I've absolutely never worked harder! And now I also understand the need to be able to have an uninterrupted conversation. Just being able to finish one or two sentences without having to answer a question that begins with "why?" And, on a note that doesn't sound so selfish...I love spending quality time with Jason. Just the two of us. Trust me when I say, it doesn't happen often. But I believe it's absolutely vital to a healthy marriage.

Friday night was date night. We had a wonderful time, and we tried very hard to find things to talk about that didn't include Bayli, adoption or ministry. We talked almost non-stop for over 5 hours. And we got to eat our food when it was still hot...steam and all!

And the most amazing thing happened. Sometime mid-morning on Saturday I realized that the 150+ questions that had already been asked didn't bother me in the least. I was refreshed and ready for all of the excessive talking and question asking.

I'm suddenly all about date night. I can't wait for the next one...(hint! hint! to the guy who needs to do the asking! :)

Face for Grace,
Holly

It's mine, mine, mine...not that I have a problem sharing or anything...

I haven't had the priviledge of watching an entire TV show, from beginning to end, since 2003.

September 16, 2003 to be exact. Which happened to be the day a little princess made her debut into our family.


I've never been a huge TV fan, but I love to watch Good Morning America and Oprah along with any and all things on HGTV. But, you see, those are "peoples, not cartoons"...which poses a problem in our household. At least to a talkative and opinionated 3 1/2 year old.


Then when Jason gets home, the remote is glued to his hands. If for some reason I actually get to hold the remote control for longer than the necessary time to pass it off to him like it's a hot potato; I actually get some weird form of stage fright while trying to perform the task at hand. When he is in the room, and I'm trying to work the remote, I actually get sweaty palms, butterflies in my stomach and a dry mouth...for real. Because the pressure to flip fast enough and with a quick, even tempo is just too much for me!

And, in case y'all haven't noticed, I am a rather competent individual with not much in life able to intimidate me.


Then, there's the fact that I actually WATCH the commercials *GASP*! I like to follow the story through to the end. I do not find it necessary to switch the channel during a commercial; it goes against my OCD nature...like I'm moonlighting on the current show at hand.


And what on earth is it with Sports Center? I am all about sports, love every single one of them. (Well, aside from the one that my husband loves where the guys drive the cars in circles for say, 500 laps or so. But, who am I to juge?) But honestly, the play of the day is the absolute same the entire live long day! Why must we watch it again? And again? And again?


I've tried retreating to my bedroom, but then one of two things usually happens. I either fall asleep; or I get pushed over by a cute little 3 1/2 year old who asks to watch Dora on Mommy's TV.


So, what is this post all about you ask? It' all about this, my new Mother's Day/Birthday present. Ta!Da!





Now, before any of you start to leave me a comment wishing me Happy Birthday, don't bother; because my birthday was last November. It's a long story as to why we are where we are with the present purchasing; but I'm all about it because now I can watch TV any time I want to.


You see folks, Lifetime Movie Network was no more for me...only a distant memory. So I had to get creative. First of all, notice that it's mounted under the cabinet. Oh how I can't stand ANYTHING aside from absolute necessities on my countertops. A gift of any sorts, even a TV, that would have to sit on my countertop, would certainly be "the gift that kept on giving" all right...it would constantly give me panick attacks! And also, take note of the small 10 inch screen... a tad small you say? Well, I think it's a stroke of genius! Nothing in the world will make "other people" not want to use your TV like a small screen! Now, it does come with a remote control, but I think I can handle it. And it also has a DVD player, plays CD's and has a radio!

It gives me great pleasure to announce...hello Diane Sawyer, Oprah, all of HGTV and, yes, even the occasional Lifetime Movie Network. It's been way too long since we said our abrupt goodbyes...but I'm back!

Hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! And, Happy Birthday to me, even if it is a tad belated!

Face for Grace, Holly

Happy Birthday

My rock, my confidant and my best friend!Happy Birthday to the best father and husband in the world!

Love,

Your Princess's...

Holly and Bayli

You might have a problem if...

I have a big confession to make. I adore little girl clothes. They are so adorably cute, and for the most part you can find some really cute things for very reasonable prices.

Let me also say that Jason and I both would prefer to don fig leaves than to spend money on clothes for ourselves, all so that Bayli can be decked out at all times.

And she is officially well aware of this. And she's well aware of her cuteness. And she's well aware of the sheer joy I get when buying her said cute outfits with the perfect bow and matching shoes. And she truly enjoys being the recipient of all of the joy and goodness when recieving some good, new clothes. She is one of the only children I know that gets extremely excited about recieving clothes over toys. She'd rather get a cute pair of shoes than a toy any day of the week. That's my girl!

This weekend we went to several stores, Target, Lowe's, etc. She found something that she loved and admired and just had to have, around every corner. Even in Lowe's! I was amazed at this child of mine who found several things she felt would be a necessary purchase at The Home Imporovement Warehouse! (I think she might be a shopper, what do you think?) Can I tell you how very proud I am? The shopping gene has not only found her, but has apparently been fostered quite well!

However, after the first 80 times that she just had to have something, it sort of lost it's appeal. I was worn down and just plain old tired of telling her no. So, I shared with her the old saying about how money just doesn't grow on trees. Daddy works very hard for the money that we have and God expects us to spend our money wisely. Jason and I both ascribe to a strict budget, and buying our 3 year old a "cute toilet" and "a very nice refrigerator that's we'd all enjoy" just weren't in our budget for the day's shopping excursion! I continued to explain to her that she was blessed that we got to go out to eat that night, and that she'd gotten a candy at the checkout at Target; and quite frankly that was enough. She had plenty of things at home, etc. I wasn't sure exactly how much she understood, but she quit asking, and that was a winner in my book.

So, when I was getting her dressed yesterday, she asked me if she could wear her silver sparkle flip flops tomorrow. (She's also quite obviously a planner, too...but that's another post for another day) Then she informed me that she knows it's very important for her to match, so we probably need to go ahead and get her a silver sparkle shirt. "And then Mommy, I'll probably need a pair of silver sparkle pants too, because that's the only thing that will really match a silver sparkle shirt and silver sparkle flip flops."

Then she looked at me with all seriousness and said, "Mommy, I know that moneys don't grow on trees....but these tings are just important!!"

Alrighty then. What on earth are we going to do when she's 16...or even 6 for that matter?!

A Few Good Words

For some reason recently, I've been going through a major season of feeling unrest and just fighting the blues. I feel like I could break down and cry at any given moment of the day. I've been unable to share my feelings with anyone. My true, honest to goodness deep down feelings. They've been eating at me, but I've been unable to open up. This is so unusual for me. I normally run to at least the first 10 people I see to dump on them and ask for advice and wanting them to fix everything. I'm as open of a book as they come...normally.

This time, it all just seems so personal. And I think that if I acknowledge my fears and frustrations and worries that it's like giving life to them. I want to continue to have the utmost trust that God knows all and is in control of all; so if I begin to talk about my fears or doubts, then it seems as though I will be doubting God. I've cried to Him in my quiet times and I've prayed, it seems, almost without ceasing; but I only feel better for a short while and then it all comes back again. The heaviness in my chest and tightness in my throat, and fighting back the water well of tears; mixed with all of the questions, fears, doubts, etc that try with all of their might to encompass my brain.

I've been a christian long enough to know that I've got a major battle on my hands. But, it's a battle that I thought I'd already won. Which makes way for even more confusion.

I don't have the answers and have never claimed to either. But, I can say that the more that I seek God, the more that He reveals to me. I love the following verses that I've come across the past few mornings.

Isaiah 55:11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

Philippians 1:6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Psalm 5:3 In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

Psalm 145: 9 God is good to one and all; everything he does is suffused with grace.
13 God always does what he says, and is gracious in everything he does.
14 God gives a hand to those down on their luck, gives a fresh start to those
those ready to quit
16 Generous to a fault, you lavish your favor on all creatures.
17 Everything God does is right— the trademark on all his works is love.
18 God's there, listening for all who pray, for all who pray and mean it.

(I love the book of Psalm! There is nothing like deciding that regardless of how you feel or what you are going through that you are going to press in and praise God anyway. This book gives me a guideline for that.)

I have no fancy ending to this post. No quick fix-all. It just is what it is right now. I have no doubt that I'll make it through. I can only pray that I'll make it through this time a little stronger than last time.

Father God, I come to you right now with heaviness in my heart, as has been the norm for the past few weeks. I have so much on my mind, so many fears and doubts and struggle that I'm trying to make it through. You know everything about everything going on inside my heart and mind. I thank you for speaking to me, I know that I'm not alone...I pray that you continue to speak to me. I'm listening. I promise.

Face for Grace,
Holly

It's the little blessings...

The little blessings in life are sometimes the most fun to count.

I was speaking with a friend yesterday who has watched me walk through the past 6 years of trying to grow my family. She hasn't necessarily been a "hands on" sort of friend, so I wouldn't say that she's walked with me, but she's witnessed my ups and downs and recent progress.

Anyway. I was sharing with her what a blessing it was that Bayli has always been so small, until recently that is. When my heart ached for another child, I was always comforted by the fact that her foot was still so tiny. At 1 year old, she was still only in a size 1 shoe. It was remarkable. By 15 months old she finally fit into a size 2 pair of Mary Jane's that I had bought for her right after she was born! I loved the fact that she was short for her age, and was relieved when we'd go to the Dr and find out that she was 35th percentile or 50th percentile. Literally, I could feel relief sweep over my body. She was still little, so I could keep her my baby.

Jason and I were gone all weekend because we had brought the kids from church to camp. Monday we spent all day being lazy; cuddling and sleeping and watching TV. The only productive thing that we did aside from cooking supper was wash some clothes. We were super tired all day, and I have uncovered a pattern that when I'm tired, I have a tendancy to get depressed. We are still waiting for our report from USCIS in New Orleans, and my mind was beginning to let negative thoughts come in about possible delays, etc. I started longing for another baby in the worst sort of way and my heart began to ache. I tried not to allow it to happen, but I began to get depressed about the wait ahead of us and started to pout to God about how we don't deserve this...and on and on it went.

But that night before bed an amazing thing happened. Bayli specifically asked me for some water in a sippy cup. More often than not she drinks from a "big girl cup", but I indulged her wish. Then, we went to sit on the couch for some more snuggle time and she asked me to hold her and feed her like a baby. My initial reaction was to say no, that she's becoming a big girl now and that she shouldn't act like a baby. But then, the thought came to my mind that these moments are fleeting. Maybe, just maybe this was God's way of giving my broken heart a rest for the evening. What harm will it do to cradle my little girl in my arms and "feed" her an inch of water in a sippy cup like it's a bottle? I just don't think that she will be 18 years old and still have this request. I think she'll turn out ok.

So, I did just that. I held her like a baby, and I sang a song to her that I wrote for her when she was born. I used to sing it to her every night, now she sings it to her babies. But, Monday night I got to sing it to her again. And God in all of His infinite wisdom allowed a way for my needs to be met, and it also created some wonderful time for my daughter too.

Such a small little blessing that turned my day around. My heart was ok again, and I was ready to face the road ahead. And more importantly than not, it reminded me that God knows my needs...and He cares about them. He's very intimate and personal...He cares about my desires!

The small blessings certainly do make a difference!

Dear Jesus,
Thank you so much for taking the time to worry about my needs. We're not talking about a necessity here, just a basic little intimate, personal need or desire. God, thank you for loving me in such a personal way! So many times we come to expect big things and great things, so much so that the little things get overlooked. God, I pray that I never fail to count the little blessings in life!

Face for Grace,
Holly

Some More Link Love

I have shared with you before about my friend Amanda and her journey to adopt their little girl, Bella, from Guatemala. She has been through so much over the past 6 years leading up to this place in her life, and this adoption process has tested her and her family to the core. I would like to ask for all of you to go here to check out the latest in their adoption process. And please, please pray!! God is still in the miracle working business! And I know that He wants to unite this sweet little baby with her forever family. Let's pray that the judge will rule in their favor and sign off on their papers so they can go get their little girl and soon!

For you are great and perform wonderful deeds. You alone are God. Psalm 86:10

Father God, I thank you for your wonderful deeds. You alone are God. How on earth can we even begin to argue with that? God, I know that you have Amanda and Bella in your hands. God, we pray right now for favor with the Family Court judge in Guatemala. God, prick his heart with a sense of urgency to sign off on this adoption paperwork! We thank you in advance that it is done soon!

Face for Grace,
Holly

A little about him...

I've idolized him my entire life. From as far back as I can remember, my love and admiration for him overflowed. My Mom says that he adored me, too, when I was a baby. I think we have one picture of him holding me when I was an infant. That would probably be the only proof to that theory.

When I got to be about 4 or 5 years old, he tormented me. He told me that Jaws lived under my bed and that piranhas and alligators were in my bubble bath. I took a running jump from my doorway to my bed every night for years because I believed him about the Jaws thing.

Our relationship went through many different phases as we grew older. The longest span of time would have to be the years that he ignored my even being alive. Mixed in there was the time that he told me I had no parents because my Mom found me under a bush and the time that he offered to hold me down so that the neighbor kid could shoot me with a BeBe gun. I remember leaving candy on his pillow in hopes that I could bribe him into actually liking me. When I was a teen all of my friends thought he was so cute. They all wanted to date him, and some even mentioned wishing to marry him. Come to think of it, even now people comment on how cute he is and they can't believe he's not married. (He is pretty cute, if I do say so myself.)

I remember one day many, many years ago my Mom telling me that one day we'd be the best
of friends. I used to laugh and tell her she was crazy.

Who Knew? Mothers really do know everything, and sometimes they can even predict the future.

Now as adults we can freely tell each one another "I love you", we can laugh and joke about our short comings and I can say with confidence that he is my friend. I am so glad that my Mom was right.

Who knows...he may have even liked me all along!

As I've already posted before, Scott left last Thursday for some training prior to heading to Iraq. He has started a BLOG to journal his events while there. You can check out my brother's BLOG here or by clicking on the link on my sidebar.

Face for Grace,

Holly

It is what it is

Well, today was our appointment in New Orleans for our fingerprinting. For those of you who read last time about the visit that I had, let me say that today was a totally different experience! We were treated so well ...and we were only there 40 minutes! It was unbelievably quick!

This morning as I was doing my devotional, God showed me the following two verses:

Psalm 85:1- You showed favor to your land, O LORD; you restored the fortunes of Jacob.
Psalm 86:10- For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God.

As we've been praying for favor today and for these reports to come back in record time, these verses were brought to my attention at the exact time that I needed them. It confirmed that God is in control, He shows favor, He still does great and marvelous deed...and He alone is God! How can you argue with that?

What an awesome God we serve!

Father God, thank you so much for revealing these verses to me today. To give me something extra to stand on. The thing is this...I don't deserve anything else. You've already proven yourself to me time and time again that this is your will for us. You've shown us that you are in control. Yet, you still give me peace when I need it...again. Thank you Jesus for loving me enough to be concerned with my emotional well being. I have no doubts that your favor rests upon our lives. We are praying to be able to receive this report expediently so that we will be able to log in our Dossier within a few weeks. However, we will accept Your will and whatever time frame you feel is necessary. Thank you God for giving us a good experience today! We felt your hand upon us!

Face for Grace,
Holly

Oh the goodness of it all...

We have everything in our possession for our Dossier paperwork except the report from USCIS in New Orleans. We go Tuesday for our fingerprints, then we will just wait for that report to come in. After we get that, we are good to go.

When we first began the paperwork process we were told it would take anywhere from 3-6 months to compile and complete the Dossier. Tuesday will be 3 months exactly from when we received the Dossier guidelines/information. So, I feel that we've been pretty quick in getting everything together.

I've burned the candle at both ends, hurried around, and basically have wasted no time. I've made phone call after phone call and sent email upon email. Basically, I've been productive and busy. Now, I will again relinquish the control and put it all in God's hands and wait. Just wait. I've hurried to get to this point. Now we wait.

I've mentioned before about the delays in New Orleans and that it's quite possible that we may have to wait 2 months or so to get the report back from them. I certainly hope not because that will push everything back. But, this will all be in God's hands. If He feels it is necessary for us to wait 2 months, then so be it. But, I will pray for favor and believe for quickness every step of the way!!

We brought our paperwork to church this morning and had our kids in Club Faith lay hands on it and agree with us for favor. They have walked with us every step of the way through the past 9 years of our lives. They have prayed for us through all of our pain during our losses. Even though they can't comprehend or totally understand our pain, they are super sensitive to our feelings and emotions. They love us with an unconditional love. We pour into them week in and week out. For some of them, from divorced homes or unstable homes, we are some of the only constant and consistent people that they see in their lives. And for many of them, we are certainly the only people who can show them the love of Jesus.

We sweat, breath, drink, eat and live children's ministry. And let me tell you, Jesus absolutely knew what He was saying when he said, "unless you come unto me like a little child..." because they know that if they believe God it will happen. Their hearts and their spirits are pure. For them, there is no such thing as doubt. God said it, and they believe it...it's that simple. Oh the sweet goodness that encompasses a room full of children praying, believing and agreeing...for anything. Children's ministry is absolutely amazing.

It was so precious to see 150-200 kids this morning praying for our paperwork...and agreeing for us to have favor. One thing I know for sure, regardless of the outcome...we are certainly blessed.

God, we continue to pray for favor. You know the last hurdle that we must cross before we can get our Dossier logged in. You also know every detail of every aspect of this process. You thought this out and planned this out a long, long time ago. Thank you for allowing all things to work together for good. And in your word it says where two or more are gathered in your name...God we definitely have the "or more" part covered. Thank you for blessing...everything.

A lesson learned

After much discussion and even more prayer, we finally decided to tell Bayli about the adoption.

See, we were so excited about our last pregnancy that we told her very early on that she was going to be a big sister. We learned the hard way that you just don't toy with a child about information like that. Right after we lost the baby we really discussed and prayed about what to tell Bayli, if anything. We really thought that we'd just try again for another pregnancy, so therefore we wouldn't have to tell her anything at all. Then God led us in another direction, so we thought we'd just leave it alone and let her forget about it. Yeah right! Anyone out there who knows my child knows that she does not forget a thing. Ever! Telling her anything else about the baby going to heaven was never an option either because she would have never ever let it rest. Ever. Talk about opening a can of worms! Oh my word! But by the same token, telling her about the adoption we were afraid would be like telling her 3 years in advance that we were going to Disney World. You just don't do that to a child, or to yourself for that matter.

But, as time passed it became quite clear that she was figuring us out and she was becoming increasingly irritated with the lack of information that we were giving her. The positive but vague comments like, "Yes you are going to be a big sister...one day" just wasn't cutting it any more. Her questions were becoming more intense and were getting bolder too. Until finally last week she just point-blank asked me, "Mommy, do you still have a baby in there or what?" I could not lie to her. So, since we were in the middle of Old Navy, I told her that we'd talk about it when Daddy got home.

That night we briefly touched on the fact that Mommy no longer had a baby in her belly, but that Bayli was still going to be a big sister. God has opened a wonderful door for our family to grow! So, one day Daddy, Mommy and Bayli will all get on a big airplane to go get your little sister. And her name will be Gracie. She asked if we could get her tomorrow, to which, of course we replied that it would take some time...but that it would happen in God's perfect timing.

She was so totally ok with all of it. And, I am quite surprised about the fact that she really hasn't asked very many questions...she'll just mention a few things every now and then. She does, however pray for her little sister every night...she asks Jesus to watch over Gracie and keep her safe.

I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to share the rest of this process with our daughter. Looking back, I am a little bit ashamed of myself for thinking that she may not be able to handle this. We are children's ministers. This is what we do. We are constantly telling people that children can accomplish great and wonderful things now...they don't have to wait until they are older. We should have listened to our own advice and told her sooner. I could have saved her the months of curiosity and uncertainty. She is my baby, and it's my instinct to try to protect her. But it's obvious that she is already wise beyond her years and capable of handling much more than I give her credit for.

God, thank you for reminding me and teaching me a very important lesson through my daughter. God, I pray that she will have peace during this time of waiting. I know that she is anxious to become a big sister, just like we are anxious to grow our family. God, continue to bless us as we continue on our journey.

A Face for Grace,
Holly

A Healthy Dose of Fear

I shared in my previous post that my brother is going to Iraq. He joined the Marines right out of high school, back in the late 80's. He was activated during the 1st Gulf War. Things didn't seem to be quite so dangerous that time...at least it seemed.

This time is different. There is a great danger that all of our soldiers are facing daily.

My brother hurt his back in an automobile injury, probably around 1993 or so. He was medically discharged from the Marines around that time. He didn't want to get out, but the damage to his back wouldn't allow him to keep up with the requirements placed upon him in the service.

In the aftermath of 9/11 my brother tried to re-enlist. I'm not sure about all of the main details, he didn't really tell anyone, but he's been trying on a regular basis to re-enlist ever since. From what I understand, he went as far as speaking to his old Unit Leader to see what he could possibly do to get back in. The ball really started rolling for him earlier this year. There was a huge paperwork process and a lot of "stuff" had to happen for things to work out. His paperwork had to go as far as Washington for someone there to sign off on it. The unit he was assigned to has known for about 2 months that they would be leaving at the end of this month. He was officially sworn in again last Wednesday and found out at that time that he'd be leaving on May24th. Talk about a whirl-wind of downright craziness going on for him to get all of his affairs in order. We hurried and scheduled some family pictures that we took over the weekend. He's trying to get his entire house packed up and in storage so that he can rent out his house while he's gone. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

The thing is...the devil is so smart. He knows that I lean towards the emotional side of things. I have been upset about this, but I am trying to remain strong. To depend on God...what is crying going to solve anyway? But, the devil is on full attack on every emotion that I own. He is trying to attack me from each and every angle. He's trying to scare me with fears about every aspect of my life and our adoption. He is trying to make me give in to worry...to fall for his silly tricks and get discouraged and/or depressed.

The key word here is that he's trying.

I am choosing to not give in to him. I am more than a conquerer through Christ Jesus and the enemy has already been defeated. I am not going to begin to fight a battle that has already been won. I will not give into his tricks, lies or attacks. We have God's hand upon us...we are walking in God's favor. I will not give the devil the satisfaction of controlling me through fear and worry. God and I have worked too hard for God to drive...to be in total control.

I am scared for my brother's life. I am concerned for my mother's heart as her son leaves. I am scared about the changes that could take place in our family if something happens to Scott.

But I am not controlled by these emotions or this fear.

I love my big brother and want to see him return safely. I am proud of him and I'm proud of the choice that he made. He always has been, and always will be a hero.

Father God, you know the fears that I am facing. You also see the attack of the enemy on my emotions. I'm feeling down and he's trying to sneak in. God I choose now to keep my eyes focused on you. I choose now to continue allowing you to be in control. I will not give into the fear...the fear that something is going to go wrong...the fear that things are going to fall apart...all of the fears that keep popping into my head. You have already paid the ultimate price. In your word it says that God hasn't given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. A sound mind sounds really good to me right now...because my mind has been on overdrive the past several days. God, thank you for showing me the err of my ways before things got out of control. God I love you and I thank you for your amazing peace.

A Face for Grace,
Holly

A Day of Mixed Emotions

Today has been a day of mixed emotions. Actually, for several days leading up to today; it seems that I've been all over the emotional spectrum.

I remember when I was pregnant for Bayli stating that "next year, there won't be any of this running around to my Mom's then your Mom's for Mother's Day! Next year I will be a Mom too and it's going to be about me!" Looking back on that statement that I made 4 years ago reminds me of how much I've grown up since becoming a Mother. Because now, I go even more out of my way to make sure that my Mother and Mother in Law get the royal treatment for their special day. I guess because now I realize the magnitute of what great things they have accomplished as mothers. I realize the full extent of their mothering. And you can see the fruit of their many years of labor. I know first hand how hard they worked to get where they are. I know the tears they cried, the hours on their knees in prayer. Their motherhood has come full circle as now they both are grandmothers. I feel unqualified to be in the same league with them. To be honored on the same day as them.

Then there is another part of me who is anticipating the growing of our family. My heart hurts for my friend Amanda, and other people that she knows who are waiting for the green light to go get their babies from Guatemala. They've gotten their referrals, they've held their babies, they just can't bring them home yet. I can't imagine the agony that they must be feeling today...the day that honors mothers. And although we haven't officially even logged in our Dossier yet, I still know that there is a baby in another country that will be ours. I don't have a picture of her yet, and I don't know if she's born yet or not...but she will be mine. And I have a desire to be her mother. To hold her in my arms. Wherever she is...I am her mother and I desire to mother her.

Then there is another part of me who is feeling a little bit of emotion for the babies I've lost. For the fact that I should be 7 months pregnant. Feeling a baby move inside of me...right now as I type this post. I remember being in a very defeated state and sitting on the love seat in my Dr's office crying, asking "What kind of mother am I that I can't keep these babies alive?" The tears sting my eyes as I recall those feelings and those emotions. I yearned to mother those babies.

Then there is the part of me who hurts for my Mom. Just finding out 4 short days ago that her only son will be shipping out to Iraq with his Marine unit on the 24th of this month. He made it through this one time. God will surely have His hand upon him again. But, her torn emotions as she deals with knowing that this is something that he feels that he must do and that he was trained to do...defend our country. He supports our President and he would rather go and serve so that a soldier that is a husband and a father may not have to. But, I see the pain and fear and worry and anger and frustration and everything else that goes along with it. I see and hear the constant lump in my Mothers throat as she fights back the tears.

And I understand. Because when you are a mother, your heart is no longer your own. It is walking around outside of your body. My mothers heart is going to Iraq.

My own heart is in Central America, possibly in an orphanage somewhere...or still in utero; it's in heaven with 3 babies that have gone before me; and it's lying sleeping in the antique bed in the room next to me. And my heart is also overflowing...

Because I am a mother, and I am so thankful for it...and everything that goes along with it.

Father God, thank you so much for again allowing me to sort through my thoughts through my words. Father God, regardless of what we've walked through, we still have so much to be thankful for. God I lift up all mothers to you today. I pray that you strengthen those who wait. And comfort those who hurt. Protect Gracie...and protect her Uncle Scott. Keep your hand upon them both.

A Face for Grace,
Holly